By In Stuff

Dear Axe Shampoo

To Axe Shampoo Company Customer Service

Re: Shampoo product

My name is John, and I have been using your Clean Control Shampoo every day for about six months now. It might be a little bit more than six months, now that I think about it. I remember I started the day after Halloween. The timing might not be important, but I want to give you all the necessary information to help me.

First, let me say: It is good shampoo! I don’t want this to sound like a complaint letter or anything like that. I’m not the complaining type at all, you can ask anyone. It’s just that, like I said, I’ve been using your shampoo every day for months now, and so far I have not had even one gorgeous woman run up to me and run her fingers through my hair. I’m worried that I’m not using it right.

I apologize if this is going to the wrong person; I guess this is probably a question for your technical department. But I found your email, so I will just ask: You’re supposed to put the shampoo on wet hair right? It seems like that’s what the guys in the commercials do, and that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ll wet my hair, and then I’ll put on a dollop of Axe shampoo, and then I’ll kind of rub it into my hair. Then after a few seconds, I’ll rinse it off. Then, I repeat the process. Is that right? I’m worried that maybe I’m not leaving the shampoo on my hair for a long enough period of time to get the full effect? Could that be it? A a few weeks ago I left it on for two hours, though, and it it still didn’t work. I’m sure it’s something simple and I feel kind of stupid even asking, but I’m stumped!

To be honest with you I’m kind of a shy person, which is why I was drawn to your product. When I saw the way gorgeous women would just run up to the guy on your commercial and run their fingers through his hair, I thought, “That’s for me!” I get kind of tongue-tied around women, and it would be a lot more convenient for me if they would just run up to me and run their fingers through my hair. I think I could handle it from there! Well, actually, I do kind of wish you would have included instructions on what to say to these women who run up to you and run their fingers through your hair, but I realize that you are a shampoo company and that is probably not your area of expertise.

I should tell you that before I was using Axe, I was using “Head and Shoulders” because I think I have dandruff, and based on their commercials it looked like women don’t like dandruff at all. I thought this might be my problem other than my general shyness that I told you about. But even after using their product for three years, not one woman noticed that my dandruff was gone — at least none of them came up to me to mention it — so that was a disappointment. That’s why I was so excited to buy Axe, and I’m very eager for any advice you might have on how to use it properly.

Oh, I should probably add that I did have a very pretty woman come up to me at the mall. I naturally thought she was going to run her fingers through my hair, so I prepared something to say, like, “Yeah, my hair is really clean from using Axe” — I am absolutely willing to promote your product when women run their fingers through my hair (any suggestions on things to say?). But it turned out she only wanted to talk to me, which was still very nice, and I was able to buy from her this kind of sea salt thing from the Dead Sea in Israel that is really supposed to really open up the pores. It does seem to work pretty well, though I can’t tell. When she left, I kicked myself for not asking her on a date or something, but to be honest I was kind of thrown off because she did not run her fingers through my hair like I had expected, and like I say I get kind of tongue-tied. I don’t blame Axe for that, of course, but I just wanted to let you know in case that will help your technicians troubleshoot the problem.

I want to be clear that I am not asking for my money back or anything like that — the Head and Shoulders people sent me a refund check, and it’s like I told them on the phone I really didn’t want the money. I’m just looking for any technical advice you can give me so that I can use Axe the proper way and have gorgeous women come up to me and run their fingers through my hair. I also want to say that I’m not picky, the women don’t have to be quite as gorgeous as the ones on TV. They can be just kind of pretty. There’s this girl in my apartment building who is like that, she’s very pretty, and if you can arrange it for her to run her fingers through my hair, that would certainly be fine. I already called my State Farm agent about her, but so far she has not appeared in my apartment.

Fingers crossed,


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21 Responses to Dear Axe Shampoo

  1. What is being satirized here, Axe shampoo commercials or the customers who fall for them?

    The commercials are obviously a ridiculous male fantasy: I don’t think that they’re worth your time to satirize, Joe. Or if you want to make a point about them, don’t point out how the obviously ridiculous fantasy is a ridiculous fantasy—there’s no sport in this hunt. Maybe point out how other not-obviously-ridiculous commercials are basically doing the same thing as Axe: promising a pretty girl if you use their product.

    If you’re making fun of the young men who buy Axe, well, it feels to me like you’re going about it wrong. The Axe customer is some awkward teen so clueless about women that he can’t tell when a female sales rep is just trying to sell him pore cleansers. I don’t know, it just feels one step removed from the nerdy statistician living in his mom’s basement.

    Just as it interests me how intelligent people can continue to believe in pitcher wins and the value of RBIs, despite all evidence to the contrary, so does it interest me how guys let themselves fall for a ridiculous ad campaign.

  2. giftedkid527 says:

    Perhaps it’s all commercials in general? The State Farm commercials, as well as the Axe commercials, are sort of the post-modern answer to the exaggerated critique of commercials that will change your life if you buy their product. Commercials have evolved over the years, and this is the latest species, instead of a commercial that promises that if you buy their product, you’ll look better, and thus feel better, and thus get a better job, making more money, and a hotter girlfriend, you have a commercial industry who knows that isn’t going to work anymore, because the public is aware of it, and so you get a coke commercial that promises to get you a stay of execution from your medieval executioner if you drink it.

  3. Joseph says:

    Very entertaining read, Joe. If sports writing ever gets old, you may have a future career at The Onion:)

  4. Scott Lucas says:

    Along these lines, I was watching a football game last year and it finally dawned on me that Beer=Chicks! From the adds I concluded the more beer I drink, the more bouncy young bikini-clad hotties will actually connive to get into my apartment. As soon as I get the carpet cleaned and the toilets scrubbed, I’ll be rolling in models.

  5. These other commenters didn’t get it at all Joe. Some people are kind of dense. If I were you, I would put it on at night and wrap your head in something like Saran wrap until morning. That should do the trick. And keep the Axe refrigerated until about an hour before use.

  6. David in NYC says:

    Very entertaining, Joe.

    For your next ad column, may I suggest that you use the Viagra ‘This is the age…” campaign. You know, the ads for an erectile dysfunction pill that feature only men, either alone or in groups — not a woman to be seen in any of them. I can’t quite decide if their primary target audience is gay men or masturbatots.

    Or maybe they’re just saying you shouldn’t be sailing a boat (to use one example from the campaign) without an erection. Inquiring minds want to know.

    • Chris Zimmer says:

      of course you shouldn’t be sailing a boat without an erection. What if the rudder fails? Always nice to have a back up.

    • Yr Welcome says:

      They aren’t selling you women, they are selling you a drug that yr buddies/society-in-general might rip on you for taking if they knew you can’t get it up, and that is an obstacle to yr buying the drug. The reason there are images of guys being guys is because it reinforces yr masculinity.

  7. invitro says:

    Ned Yost uses Axe.

  8. Back in the 1970s there was this series of commercials by Hi Karate after shave lotion. In them, a guy would rup on some lotion; moments later, he would have to literally fight off the chicks–with karate, of course. Axe is just reprising those ads as far as I’m concerned.

  9. A. Blogger says:

    If you have seen the commercial, YOU are the intended audience. The fantasy is for you. Advertisers aren’t just tossing this stuff out into space hoping for a bite, they have studied you and your behaviors. The silliness of a commercial is there to make you aware of the product; so you will remember it. As long as you are in a cave, all you can see is shadows on the wall. Get up, go outside and realize the real lies with your real eyes.

  10. Yr Welcome says:

    It works fr me Joe.

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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