A Course for Adventure

Daniel Craig’s svelte “James Bond” won’t appear on big screens until November 7th of this year, so that means plenty of time to read up on becoming a real Bond Girl. Sound daunting without the proper training? No worries, my readers — today I share with you the 411 from Sandy Shepard, who’s a close as we can get on all things Bond Girl-related without entering her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sandy’s book is titled “Fempowerment: A Guide to Unleashing Your Inner Bond Girl” and she has lots of other tips and tools on her Web site at beabondgrrl.com. Note the “Grrl” (no i, double R) spelling that Sandy writes indicates a more tough, purpose-driven gal rather than the “Eek! Oooh! James” girl image sometimes associated with the daring damsels helping James Bond.

While I’m not a big reader of self-help books (the last one I read was the “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer” in 2001. I’m assuming I gravitate to self-help books with title tie-ins to movie I like.) This is a great book for the beach or the pool (provided your children can swim on their own). Sandy has great enthusiasm and encouragement throughout the book, and I love the entire concept of staying supportive to our own “James” yet still free to be adventurous. So, take notes, grrlfriends, here’s the first step to being ready for “James” to take you on a action-packed trip to Paris or Vegas thanks to tips from Sandy’s book and her time to chat via e-mail.

1. Who is your favorite Bond Girl from the movies and why?
Sandy Shepard (a.k.a. Solitaire): I really have three favorites, but my “all time” favorite is probably Natalya Simonova. She is the programmer from Golden Eye.

I think the reason that she is my favorite is that she embodies what I believe are “quintessential” Bond Girl characteristics. She’s not “trained” to be a spy, or an action hero(ine). But she takes care of herself, is quick thinking, and in fact, winds up saving the day in the end for Bond (who relies on her). She’s fast with a quip, and her own woman in her sensuality. Natalya is “any woman” or, as I say in my book, “an ordinary woman caught in extraordinary circumstances.” She doesn’t question Bond when he’s doing his thing – but she also ‘does her thing’ bravely and isn’t an “Eek Girl” when she gets into trouble. The reason I love Bond Girls so much is that they are awesome women in awesome jobs (pilots, programmers, circus owners, you name it) who can think on their feet, and have the guts to “just do it.”

2. Are there other TV or movie characters of recent memory that could help out a “James” right now before getting finesse from your book?
SS: A James could actually read or listen to the BeingJamesBond.com podcast – it’s really amazingly well researched and it’s based upon how to do the things that James Bond does in the movies. But there is a whole forum on being your best, living your best life, and the like. I would also very much recommend Alison Armstrong’s seminars – I interviewed her a couple of weeks ago, and have her links on my Web site. Though her seminars are mainly about loving and understanding men, she also has seminars for men to understand women. On the interview/podcast link on my Web site, I link to a few of her YouTube appearances – she’s fun, pithy, and I think definitely does have a knack for helping men understand that women are not just “emotionally needy men” (and helping women understand that men are not just “hairy women”!)

3. Why don’t we see more strong but supportive women in movies or TV? Do you think female characters are two-dimensional because women cannot be considered feminine and powerful at the same time?
SS: I think that after the World Wars, where women went into the workforce in droves to help the war effort, women started to think that doing something “important” meant being out working and being powerful in a masculine sort of way. There weren’t a lot of role models out there! It seemed that if you were feminine or sensual, you were a “seductress” or somehow “using” your sensuality – and if you wanted to be “powerful” you had to be masculine. We all know that we are more complicated than that! Also, men have made it very, very clear that they would never want to live in a world without women (Alison Armstrong goes into this on the podcast interview). That women and femininity are really WHY they go out and “do their thing” every day – otherwise, it wouldn’t be “worth it.”

To men, women are irreplaceable, as women. But often women can’t see this in themselves, and so take on “powerful” characteristics and think of their feminine side as “weak” (or, on the flip side but not so great either, they “use” it “against” those “foolish men”). I would recommend the Web site Regally Graceful and Guru Kaur’s podcasts on this subject, as well as Alison Armstrong’s books, podcasts, and workshops. In her latest book, Alison speaks specifically about the sort of attention you can get from a man – and where we want to be is in the “Charming and Graceful” side, not on the “Sensual Attraction” side. By being open, smiling with your eyes, being graceful and all things that men can NOT be, a woman is untouchable in her femininity. Part of that is also being graceful and accepting the things that men want to do for us – such as offer us their coats when we ‘look cold’ – or open a jar or door for us. We have lost the ability to let men do what they want to – be worshipful of our femininity – because somehow it’s been perceived as “weak” and that we can “do it all ourselves.” Dr. Laura Berman on the NBC5.com podcast discussed this in detail about 2 months ago – how women in their 20s seem to always “relish” telling their grrlfriends about how “whipped” their men are, but then the men feel emasculated, and the women don’t understand why sex is no good. In a relationship… be the girl. And understand the power of being supportive…and how much your partner needs that in HIS life.

4. Describe one of your typical seminars for women looking to become Bond Grrls.
SS: I now do telecoaching for women – my “Thursday night group” has allowed me to post their first two weeks on my podcast, so your readers could actually listen to the coaching first-hand if they would like. The coaching involves curriculum that leads them through finding their passions, and also understanding where they are taking the “victim’s way out” in their life. Because it uses a world-class curriculum coupled with Masterminding, each group really “Bonds” (so to say!) with each other, and offers solutions to each other and supports each other with their goals towards “unleashing their inner Bond Girls.” In the past, I have also done in-person seminars, which included pole dancing (I teach pole dancing), sensual dancing, an entire seminar about sex and sensuality, especially the differences in male and female response (I have a degree in Sexology), and the like. Hopefully soon we will be doing 3-day seminars to “Bond Girl” locales such as Vegas, etc. to have days meeting with courtesans to talk about sex (e.g., a la my meeting at Sheri’s Ranch, from the book), learning defensive driving/Formula One Race car driving, self-offense training, handguns, pampering, how to play baccarat/roulette, etc. and the like. Because these will be top of the line seminars and destination vacations, they probably won’t be in play until 2009.

5. I’ve cleaned out a few areas of my house, but I cannot mentally psych myself to feel and evaluate everything. Got some more motivation tips for succeeding this early step to Bond Grrl freedom?
SS: Absolutely. Did you put on music? I ask, because often that’s the key differentiator. If you’re listening to a headset, you can go through things fairly easily, and not get “tied up” in analyzing every single thing. Also, set a time and date (in your calendar) to do each room, or a piece of each room. A kitchen, for example, might need 3 days – because first you do all the foodstuffs, spices, and the like (then you quit and make yourself a nice martini!) The next day you do the pots/pans/spatulas/etc, maybe the last day you do all the dishtowels, dishes, and the like. I would STRONGLY suggest investigating freecycle.org and if there is one in your area. Because this REALLY helps me – when I do a cleaning out. How does all this stuff accumulate? I “batch” it up and put it on Freecycle.org, and someone comes and gets it. So, for example, if you were doing the kitchen clean-out as indicated above, you could have a box that says “random pots, pans, spatulas, potholders, you name it from a kitchen clean-out.” No question someone will come and get it. For a bathroom, if you have unopened makeup, battered womens’ shelters are SUPER grateful for this. To me, having a “recipient” for what I have touched and let go really spurs me on. But if you can’t touch and evaluate, that “malaise” is caused (so say the new agers) by the “energy vortex” that you are feeling from all the unmade decisions and “old/stuck” energy that is “resident in” what ever drawer/area you are facing. By getting past that, you will have freed it all up.

6. As a stay-at-home mom, (I’ve coined CHIC to replace it: Coveted Home-based Independent Caregiver) I sometimes have a hard time with the notion of being ready to help my “James” at the drop of a hat. I feel more like “Mommy Penny” than a Bond Girl. What are some tips for helping moms feel like they can get in on the adventure and drama AWAY from home.
SS: LOVE “CHIC”! That is FANTASTIC. There are a couple things that I recommend to my CHIC Bond Grrls. First, to be sure that there is always time for yourself. I know you have mentioned this on your blog, but it’s SO important. And of course to really understand and embody that you are doing a ~job~ by being a mom, a very important job, but also, if you were doing a “9-5” job you wouldn’t let the job “eat all your time” like being a mom can. It’s hard to realize this sometimes, but our kids can suck all our time out of us, because we WANT to do everything we possibly can for them. Being ready could involve making sure the ~Kids~ are ready for adventure, if you don’t have a set “babysitter trade” situation. Think back to before you had kids (what? There was a time?) and what you and your “James” used to do. If you’re “too tired’ to do it, you’re not taking enough time for yourself. It’s particularly hard when kids are very young, but they should also be raised that you and your James need to have quiet time, as soon as they’re able to understand that. And don’t forget, “adventure and drama” (especially when you have YOUNG kids) could just be a little game play, if that would make you feel fun and loved. For example, dress up, and tell your James that you two haven’t met, and you’re going to be at a bar in town, and he has to win you over. Really turn your “love beams” on him. See what he does and how he tries to “win” you. Make it a bar with a jukebox and do some dancing. Let everyone think that he’s just “swooped in” and “swept you off your feet.” This sort of thing is a lot of fun to do, but you have to each be a bit serious in the first 30 seconds of it, or else it won’t come off. It’s like doing a sensual dance for your man – my teacher taught us that often what you want to do is start with sunglasses on, b/c once a man starts “just looking at you as a gorgeous woman” (instead of “his wife”) his eyes will change, and once they do, you will be more bold and can ultimately take the glasses off. (This definitely does work btw. There is a whole “trick” to doing a really great sensual dance for your man, which I should some day do a podcast about!)

7. I like the idea of being supportive, but sometimes I don’t see that same level of dedication getting reciprocated. What do I do to feel noticed and appreciated when I’m sort of in a rut with caring for kids, clothes and meals?
SS: That’s probably because you and your James have different “Love styles.” Have you take the “love styles” quiz? If you and your husband take this quiz HONESTLY, sometimes there is a real “aha” moment. When my husband and I took it, in fact, he said I “did not” think the way that I do – because he showed his notice/appreciation in the way he THOUGHT that I wanted it (gifts) whereas what I REALLY love it things being done for me, etc. You and your husband might just be operating under different love styles. See if this helps – because once your James understands what you’re looking for (and you understand what HE is looking for), it can make all the difference. Often my clients will be giving what they want to GET, and it’s not the love style of their husband and what he “sees” as loving, and so they get all bent out of shape because they are doing “all this stuff for him” and in fact, he doesn’t actually view that at ALL as a way of showing attention and appreciation. And remember, too, re taking care of meals/clothes/etc. – there are some tricks that can make this a bit easier on you (a la what I discussed in my first View From The Bay episode) – so remember to use those “tricks” to gain some more time in your day for You.

8. Can Bond Grrls be fine without a “James?” What advice do you give to gals not able to meet men.
SS: I am not quite sure about the whole “not able to meet men” thing. Honestly, I think that if a woman is being “charming and graceful,” she attracts men like a magnet. Again, I would point to Alison Armstrong’s latest book (a bit of which we cover on the podcast interview). Women are often what she calls “frog farmers” – they turn perfectly good princes into frogs by their own actions. Women don’t understand what makes men “tick” and even if they do, they won’t “do it” because it’s too much of a “hassle.” If that’s the case, sure, live without men. I sure wouldn’t! Heck, I’m 30 lbs overweight now, and I walk into a Starbucks and men look up, smile, and talk with me. It’s all about the way I look. I look open, approachable, nice, fun, and as if I would have “time for them.” And it’s not sexual AT ALL. That’s the part that’s the best about it – I make men feel GREAT, and they don’t want to “take me home.” (A Bond Girl of course has ALL those in one big package, but I’m a happily married woman) I know I’ve said this now about 500 times, but though my book covers this fairly well, Alison Armstrong makes a career of understanding men and really celebrating them. I think that women often say “oh, there are no men” or “I can’t meet men” and then they aren’t willing to work on their attitude. They say “I am who I am, and a man will take me this way, or not at all.” Heck, if you know women like this be honest – would YOU date her? Would you want to snuggle up with her on a cold night? Have her there for you when you have the flu? If not – why should he?

9. Every time I type Bond it comes out Bong? What does that mean?
SS: Well, if you live in California, you must be reading about the fact that Mendocino is trying to make it so that every house can now grow over 20 marijuana plants by right…

10. I’m loaning your book to a grrlfriend who designs programs for preventing female teenage bullying. Are there some lessons for Bond Grlls that can be catered to younger girls to help them through their angst-ridden teen years?
SS: I absolutely ADORE teen girls because I was 6’2” at about 11 years old, and bullied, horribly shy, truly a bookworm, hated my body, all that “good stuff.” I think that a lot of the lessons in the book are specifically aimed at all women, of all ages. Find your passion. Understand and love your body. Be open, graceful, charming, but also know your limits. Don’t ever do ANYTHING you don’t want to do. Be aware. Be ready. Don’t be an “Eeek Girl.” LISTEN. Look at things from the other person’s side. Except for some of the very strictly sexual things in the last chapter, which might be deemed a bit “much” for a teen, I think the entire book is super helpful for teens. (Boy do I love teens, b/c I SO LOATHED being one) Even the sexual part…I have to say, when I was doing the Sensuality Training Seminars, everyone who attended had to be at least 18 (and only women could attend). The most important trainings I did were at, for example, UC Davis, or where sometimes a woman would bring her daughter. The “girls” would first be “Squeamish” about “hearing about sex” from this “old lady” (that’s me – I’m in my late 40s), but ultimately they would all be asking immensely intelligent questions, and WOW, I would learn how painfully Unaware women were about their own sensuality, the workings of their own bodies, the workings of MEN’s bodies and how UNconscious this can be for men, etc. So though I haven’t spoken to, say, 12 year olds about sensuality and sexuality, I think that SOMEONE should. Because by understanding (not to be graphic, but…) how to “make your own music” shall we say, you’re less likely to look outside (to men) to get that sensation. You’re going to understand how your own body works, and not be ashamed of it. I was horribly ashamed of my body, because of the way I was raised. I wish someone like me had talked to me about it – I would have had a MUCH easier time in my 20s. Oh…and another thing. One of the things I mention in my book is that parents need to say “You must be so PROUD OF YOURSELF” when a child does something well (I actually think you talked about this in your blog) versus “I am SO PROUD OF YOU.” That leads kids to be outwardly-motivated for gratification – and ultimately to not find that gratification “inside.” As a teen girl, I was constantly looking for approval on the outside, and was not grounded in the understanding that I didn’t need to “Hear” how great I was to “feel” that way.

I’m still working on cleaning up that clutter and my walk (it’s in the book dear readers!), and I need to come up with my new Bond Girl name. Thanks, Sandy/Solitaire, please keep me posted on the Bond Grrl Vegas Experience!

Click here for a YouTube video of most of the James Bond Girls. (Note: It’s about five minutes.)