The Greatest Quote Ever
Posted: February 1st, 2010 | Filed under: Other Sports, Pop Culture | 57 Comments »
Well, it should be no secret here that I love the Harlem Globetrotters. Well, more to the point, I love the Washington Generals,* the team that always loses to the Globetrotters, those players who game after game, year after year, decade after decade fall for the ball-on-the-string trick, search hopelessly for the ball under the shirt, and aimlessly chase the Globetrotters through their unstoppable weave offense.
*Or the New York Nationals or whatever they happen to be called that day.
One of my favorite newspaper columns was one I did on Generals coach Red Klotz a couple of years ago. It’s a story that has been done many times — and I have no illusions that I did it any better than it had been done before. But it’s like walking on the Great Wall or trying to catch a taxi in the New York rain, the point is not how well you do it. The point is to do it. The point is every sportswriter, at some point in his or her life, should write about Red Klotz.
“I don’t want anyone on my team that doesn’t play to win,” Klotz told me. He lived a winners’ life long before he started coaching the Generals. He was a 5-foot-7 guard with a deadly two-hand set shot; he played for the famous Philadelphia Sphas, perhaps the best professional basketball team in the world before the NBA began. The Sphas beat the Globetrotters a couple of times in those years before Sweet Georgia Brown and the games were entirely on the level. He played briefly in 1948 for the Baltimore Bullets of the old Basketball Association of America — the league that would become the NBA. And, as he said, he fought in World War II and helped “win the big one.”
Abe Saperstein asked him to create a team that would travel around with the Globetrotters. In the 58 years since, Klotz’s teams have beaten the Globetrotters twice. And they have lost more than 13,000 times. Even Rod Marinelli winces.
Of course, you want to know about the two victories. Everybody does. The first happened in St. Joseph, Michigan in 1962. The scoreboard operators at Globetrotters games are not, as you might have guessed, especially vigilant during games. And in this game, the score was actually quite close and the Generals hit a couple of shots at the end that the scoreboard people did not bother to register. Everybody left the arena assuming — and as assumptions go this seemed pretty valid — that the Globetrotters won. But Klotz showed the Globetrotters the scorebook afterward and, in his own words, “They admitted it.” I have not actually heard anyone from the Globetrotters admit it, however.
The second time is more real. It happened at the University of Tennessee-Martin in 1971. There were 3,600 people in the stands, and the game was going as these games always go. The Globetrotters had a 23-point lead in the second quarter, they were weaving and playing around and getting ready for the water bucket gag. But there are two things many people don’t know about Globetrotter games:
1. There are only so many gag periods during a Globetrotters-Generals game. During those gag periods, things are a bit scripted and the Generals play the dupe on defense. But the rest of the time, the two teams are really playing basketball.
2. The Generals are not hindered in any way on the offensive end the entire game. That is — if they can score every single time down the floor, they are welcome to do that. The fun stuff only happens on the Globetrotter side of the court.
So, the Generals kept playing. And they got hot. Really hot. Klotz at age 51, made a few long shots. They came all the way back. They took the lead. And suddenly, the Globetrotters realized that they were in danger of actually losing and started to play hard. The crowd realized it too. They started to boo mercilessly. “It was like killing Santa Claus,” Klotz said merrily more than three decades later. The Generals killed the clock, won the game 100-99, and ran off the court to the most beautiful sounding boos Red Klotz ever heard. It was a bit of a scandal, and the Globetrotters owner George Gillett met his team in Arkansas to scream at them. The Globetrotters destroyed the Generals that next night.
And … the Globetrotters have won easily pretty much every night since. Klotz listed off for me some of the places where his teams lost. They lost in 97 countries. They lost in Attica. They lost in a bullfighter’s ring. They lost on a floating basketball court in African waters. They lost in Lenin Square. They lost inside the DMZ during the Vietnam War. They lost at a leper colony in the Phillipines. They lost under different names — Klotz actually retired the name “Washington Generals” in 1995 because, well, you have to change your luck somehow.
Funny thing is, the Generals are back now, which leads to the whole point — the greatest quote ever. One of the perks of being a writer at Sports Illustrated is that I get flooded with press releases. Many of these offer experts I might use in my stories or they tell me about exotic sporting events that I probably cannot attend or they introduce me to remarkable or semi-remarkable athletes I may consider writing about. Today, I got a press release announcing that the Globetrotters will play the Washington Generals. At Central Park. On ice.
Yes, the Globetrotters on ice. Well, why not? As Globetrotters CEO Kurt Schneider says in the release, the Globetrotters have played on battleships and in empty swimming pools, so playing a basketball game on ice is really just the next thing. And if you are going to play on ice, you have to play in Central Park. I mean, that’s obvious. The game is scheduled for February 9, if you plan to be in the city on that day.
So, OK, it’s a publicity stunt for a team that has over its long history excelled at publicity stunts. But the point is not exactly the game. The point is the Red Klotz quote about the game … pulled from the press release.
“We excel on ice,” Generals owner Red Klotz said. “I’ve been asking for this game for years, and I’m glad the Globetrotters have finally given in.”
We excel on ice. I laugh happily every single time I read that quote. We excel on ice. I’m laughing again. Has there ever been a more joyful and more hopeful statement uttered? We excel on ice. You know, I have tried hard to write about the fun side of sports, the optimistic side of sports, the bright side of the street. But I don’t think I have ever captured it quite like four words from an 88-year-old man who has lost more than 13,000 games in his career — that’s almost 36 straight years of losing one game every day.
We excel on ice. I have no doubt that they do.
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Well done Red Klotz. Well done indeed.
I would rather watch them play ball against a bunch of Atomic Supermen… on ice.
Since I’m here…circle me Bubblegum Tate
And Red’s 1948 Baltimore Bullets won the league championship.
I bet that the Lions excel on ice, too.
Did you happen to see Red’s offer to Conan? Pure genius.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/extramustard/hotclicks/01/20/washington-generals-offer-conan-obrien-contract/index.html?eref=sihp
I remember as a kid, thinking that Red Klotz had to be a made up name.
And thank you Wilt Chamberlain for sharing all his Globie tales. I’ll never forget a million mullions.
i have been LMAO. Just classic and another example of Jo Pos fine writing.
@RedFTW: I love the ending “We can drop Andy from this offer if it helps.”
Circle me Sweet Georgia Brown! On ice!
Is it a breech of JoeBlog etiquette to use the “circle me” thing if you’re not the first post?
That’s a funny quote by Red Klotz, but I’m still chuckling about Carl Erskine’s quote from your old Musial column you re-posted:
Carl Erskine (on how to pitch Musial): “I’ve had pretty good success with Stan by throwing him my best pitch and
backing up third.”
Ha!
Excellent. That quote tops my old favorite about the Bucs and execution.
But it also made me think that Jose Guillen and the rest of the Royals should start lacing up their skates.
Will that Central Park game be like hockey (that is, on skates) or like broomball (that is, with those crazy spongy shoes that theoretically give the player a little traction on ice)?
My goal each year is to shoot hoops in my driveway in every calendar month. That’s a challenge where I live. I can tell you that a frozen basketball bounces about as well as a frozen cream pie. They’ll presumably use something like a Coors Field humidifier to keep the basketballs warm.
This year, not even the Gophers hockey team can say “we excel on ice.”
When did Darryl Strawberry join the Globetrotters??
Oh…
THAT ice…
I enjoyed this article the first time it ran, and am delighted to see it again. After pondering, “what exactly is a “Spha?”, a Google search disclosed that it was an acronym for the South Philadelphia Hebrew Association.
Everybody sing along: “It’s fun to play for the Y-M-H-A…!”
Uncertainty favors the underdog. I like the Generals and the points.
#17, Jason: Great GREAT line. With the Red Klotz lead-in this thread is enlivening quite nicely
I don’t know. I’ve heard the Globetrotters have a real slick offense these days.
Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Klotz
red klotz’s wikipedia page says that they’ve won 6 games, does anyone know the story?
That sounds awesome. The Lasker rink is way, way uptown. Probably the closest the Globetrotters have come in years to actually playing in Harlem.
I used to live on 108th street near the Lasker rink and I can tell you that it was the kind of neighborhood where the sight of the Harlem Globetrotters playing a basketball game on ice would seem….not really incongruous at all.
Looks like all the tickets are going to urban youth groups. Geez, those inner-city kids get all the lucky breaks!
I hope to god that they’ve been practicing on ice (skates?), and are going to win big. That would be awesome.
my grandfather used to tell me stories about the Philadelphia Sphas (pronounced for the curious as spas, silent h). imagine my surprise when my favorite writer discusses them.
It’s Abe Saperstein, not Abe Saberstein. He was the one who really invented sabermetrics.
The Globetrotters must have lost at least once since 1971.
I recall a bit of a media stir down our way some time in the past 10-15 years when a TV station sacked the guy doing the sports section of their evening news when he refused to announce that the Globetrotters’ winning streak – way up in the thousands – had ended.
Some suited dingaling in the news department had come across the press release containing this information and thought he was handing on the sports equivalent of Diana dies. When he couldn’t be persuaded that the record was bogus a standoff occurred.
The sports guy held his ground but the piece still made the news when it was read out at the end of the regular bulletin.
Sports guy was then sacked, station became laughing stock, owners got involved, sports guy reinstated.
Then again, maybe the news was that the Globetrotters had broken their previous winning-streak record.
I actually attended a Globetrotters game on the roof of the Spectrum last march. With the shortened game I thought the Generals might have a chance, but the ‘Trotters won.
Joe,
This reminds me of a story my dad loves to tell me, about a New Orleans Saints coach from the 70s. He doesn’t remember his name, but the quote always killed him. Hell, I don’t know if this is even true, but I love the story.
The Saints of course we’re horrendous in the 70s, routinely getting destroyed by pretty much everyone. In one particular game, the Saints we’re getting walloped by someone 38-3 or so. The final score ended up 48-17. A reporter asked the coach how he felt about his team’s performance. He says, “Sure we took a beating in the first half, but we won that 2nd half. We won the 2nd half 14-10. That means a lot to us.”
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I have a distant memory of the Generals beating the Globetrotters in Nancy Lieberman’s first game with the Generals back in the late 80’s. I can’t be positive though.
Well, he couldn’t say “We stink on ice,” because Mel Brooks already said that.
It took me a couple tries to fully comprehend this bit:
“One of the perks of being a writer at Sports Illustrated is that I get flooded with press releases. Many of these offer experts I might use in my stories …”
At first read, I thought the press releases offered Joe excerpts, and it made sense. Boring press release offers a factoid or two for an article. Funny typo. Then I realized Sports Illustrated actually provides Joe with a daily list of sports experts he can apparently summon at a moment’s notice. Way to live the dream Posnanski.
[...] was reading Joe Posnanski’s post on the Harlem Globetrotters and the brilliant, witty quote from the man who runs the Globetrotters’ patsy opponents, who [...]
What might be funnier than “We excel on ice” is the 2nd half of the quote, “I’ve been asking for this game for years.”
Reminds me of the Charlie Brown cartoon…”We lost the first game of the year. We lost the last game of the year….and all the stupid games in between!”
I don’t think that’s all the losses. I remember seeing SportsCenter with Keith Olbermann reporting that their 9000 game win streak was broken by Kareem.
circle me Meadowlark Gretsky
The Generals have the thousands of games loss streak. The Globetrotters play games (Kareem’s All Stars/Universities in exhibitions) and lose some of those, just not to the Generals.
“Even Rod Marinelli winces…”
Nice, Joe!
Speaking of great quotes, from the Simpsons, Krusty’s reply to his accountant who incredulously asked why he took all the money he made franchising his name and bet it on the Generals:
“I thought they were due!”
Very funny quote, but only if you know the context. So it can’t really be the greatest ever. Here’s one from a former Globetrotter I like a lot:
“They say that nobody’s perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they would make up their minds.”
– Wilt Chamberlain
Great post, Joe. Made me try to track down your original Red Klotz piece, but I couldn’t find it. A Google search led me to a link to a kansascity.com article, but the link was dead and a kansascity.com search turned up nothing. Please feel free to link to yourself liberally. I’m sure no one here would mind easier access to extra JoeContent.
s1weeze @ 28
The reaction by that coach is perfectly plausible. I fail to see anything humorous in it at all.
Anyone who’s played sport and been involved in games that matter would at some stage have found themselves in a hole at halftime.
In my experience, the call in the sheds goes along the lines of, “Okay, they’ve had their fun. But it stops now. Let’s get out there and win the second half.”
And if you do that, there’s a fair bit of satisfaction in it.
Successful coaches, in my experience, are guys who look for positives, find them, and build on them.
Shouldn’t that be “Favorite Quotation”? (question mark placed outside the “”’s for emphasis — or laziness)
[...] more here: Joe Posnanski » Blog Archive » The Greatest Quote Ever Share and [...]
UTEP famously beat the Globetrotters in 2003 to end the Trotters’ 288-game winning streak. Prior to that, their last loss had been to Michigan State.
According to Wikipedia, they actually have 385 losses in their history. That seems like a lot.
I am not a Red Sox fan, but my two favorite sports quotes of all time come from Red Sox pitchers.
1. “I don’t believe in curses. Wake up the damn Bambino, maybe I’ll drill him in the ass.”
2. “Mystique and Aura? Those are dancers at a nightclub.”
My favorite quote comes from Bum Phillips, who was serving on Sid Gilman’s staff and helping break down film. Gilman couldn’t get enough of it, and enthused “Bum, this is better than making love.” Bum replied, “Sid, either I don’t know how to watch film, or you don’t know how to make love.”
There was a great Globetrotters article in the onion recently. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_harlem_globetrotter_rudy_rude
It’s one of the better takes on the whole “thuggish” athlete storyline that we hear over and over. Plus the article saves the last laugh for Red Klotz.
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by mathew, Chip Sinton, Chris Lines, Mike Channell, Ben Sargent and others. Ben Sargent said: “We excel on ice. I’ve been asking for this game for years, and I’m glad the Globetrotters have finally given in.” http://bit.ly/d1a7Ob [...]
[...] week; I read something Posnanski wrote that struck a cord with me. He wrote, “I have tried hard to write about the fun side of sports, [...]
My fave quote is from Terry Francona, talking about Kevin Youkilis: “I’ve seen him in the shower and, let me tell you, he’s not the Greek God of anything.”
[...] The Harlem Globetrotters on ice. [...]
I guess they don’t, in face, excel on ice…
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=4900488
Nice piece Joe – so nice, in fact, that The Guardian newspaper here in the UK has it listed as one of its five ‘favourite things this week’ in the Sports section of its website…
CJColucci@ 48: Stop it, I’m dying here…