The Music Of Suckitude
Posted: November 15th, 2009 | Filed under: Other Sports | 60 Comments »
Joe Queenan invented a word I’m trying to think of now. The word defined the feeling you have when you see something that really sucks but — irrationally — you find yourself wishing that it had sucked just a little bit more.
This could involve going to see a reunion of a bad band like The Outfield* and finding that while the concert was awful it was just not quite as bad as you hoped or remembered. It could involve going to see a movie you expect to be intensely awful, only it turns out only to be regular strength awful. Queenan had a word for it — something built out of the the word “schadenfreude.” But I can’t find my copy of Red Lobster, Blue Lagoon and White Trash to find the exact word. You can use your imagination.
*I am NOT backing off even with my deep respect for Keith Law — The Outfield sucks. There are, undoubtedly, many pro-Outfield blogs for those out there who feel a void for The Outfield retrospectives.
Whatever the word, it precisely describes the feeling I have now after watching the remarkably bad Chiefs-Raiders football game. The Chiefs won the game 16-10, and in many ways the game had absolutely everything you could want from a bad football game. The Raiders went 2-of-16 on third down and they had the BETTER third-down conversion ratio (the Chiefs converted one of 15). There were 17 punts, five turnovers, 15 penalties, two missed field goals, three quarterbacks crashing into running backs, one quarterback who got yanked, another who got yelled at on numerous occasions, numerous easily-identifiable swear words shouted by coaches, a struggling officiating crew* and, quite literally, countless dropped passes. I do not like when people use the word “literally” because they almost always misuse the word — Adrian Peterson was NOT literally flying. However, in this case I think the word “literally” is justified because at some point it became impossible to determine what qualified as a dropped pass and what did not. If the ball hits both hands, is it a dropped pass? What if it hits one hand but the receiver probably could have gotten two hands on it had he tried? What if the receiver forgot to turn around and it hit him shoulder? And do dropped interceptions count as dropped passes?
Just know there were enough dropped passes that when the announcers checked in with the Navajo language broadcast — the Raiders occasionally have their games broadcast in Navajo — the only thing that was easily understandable was when the announcers talked about all the dropped passes.
*Though to be fair to the officials, officiating this game would be like refereeing a fight between Andrew Golata and the Penguin from the Batman TV show. One guy’s hitting low, the other guy’s spraying knockout gas from his umbrella, it’s going to be tough to keep up.
It was spectacularly awful, it really was. I’ve heard numerous people in the last week make the fanbole that JaMarcus Russell is the worst quarterback in NFL history. That seems unlikely, but I would not argue with the premise that he is as frustrating to watch as any quarterback ever. You keep hearing about this “talent” that he has — after all, he was the No. 1 pick in the draft — but best I can tell he can’t or won’t run, he has no feel in the pocket, he has no idea what an open receiver looks like and he has absolutely no idea where his passes are going. I’m just not sure what his talent is supposed to be. Maybe gin rummy. Yes, he’s big and he has a strong arm. Big deal. That’s not talent, not for an NFL quarterback. To me, that’s like saying someone has talent for playing the piano because they have long fingers and like music.
So, yes, Russell is awful. More than that, Russell looks like he doesn’t care. I’m not saying he doesn’t care — I’m saying he looks that way. And when you have a 47 quarterback rating … that “I don’t care” look can really tick people off. In Russell’s defense, on this day there were SO MANY dropped passes and penalties that quashed positive plays and breakdowns on the offensive line that maybe that’s just the inevitable look for a Raiders’ quarterback. Maybe Tom Brady — faced with Tom Cable as a coach, receivers who can’t catch, and a gameplan that apparently was devised 15 minutes before kickoff — would have that same look.
Russell was this bad … and the Raiders still should have won the game. Or at least they could have won the game. The Chiefs spent most of their day fumbling footballs, running into each other and listening to Todd Haley swear. I appreciate that Todd Haley is a fiery guy and he can swear all he wants for all I care. But I cannot believe he hasn’t yet learned that trick where he holds his playcard in front of his mouth when he’s swearing at people. I mean, I thought they taught that in coach’s school — and since Haley is also the Chiefs offensive coordinator*, he always has that playcard readily available to block the nation’s lip-readers.
*I try to make it clear here, fairly often, that I don’t know anything. If this blog had a motto it would be “I could be wrong.” But I know I’m not wrong about this: Chiefs GM Scott Pioli should never, ever, ever, ever have allowed Todd Haley to serve as the Chiefs head coach AND offensive coordinator. Never. Ever.
Todd Haley is 42 years old — he’s about a month younger than me — and he never played college football. He never played NFL football. Until 1995 or so, he was a golf pro with dreams of playing on the PGA Tour. He was in the scouting department of the Jets for a couple of years — who probably gave him the chance at least in part because of his father’s legendary status as an NFL scout — and he became a quality control coach for Charlie Weis, who has shown he has no idea what he’s doing. He was a wide receivers coach for a few years, and then was a “passing game coordinator” for Dallas, whatever that means. He was then an offensive coordinator for two years under a head coach who has just been an offensive coordinator.
I do not bring up this resume to suggest that Haley is unqualified to be a head coach in the NFL. Not at all. I like Todd Haley and thought it was a promising move when the Chiefs hired him. No, I’m saying that like just about any first-year head coach for a terrible football team without talent, he is in way over his head. Way over his head. Everybody knew that when he took the job. And if there’s one thing I do feel confident in saying it is this: You don’t allow people who are in way over their head to take a second job.
The Raiders were driving down the field in the final minute for what could have been the game-winning touchdown. They got a ridiculous break when officials ruled that Oakland’s Darrius Heyward-Bey made a critical 22-yard-catch despite the seemingly incontrovertible visual evidence that his second foot was out-of-bounds. The announcers — the wonderful Gus Johnson and scrappy Steve Tasker — realized this the first few times they saw the replay. However, they replayed the thing over and over so many times that by the end they were second guessing themselves, wondering if maybe his left foot had actually not left the ground by the time he had caught the ball. And the officials ended up ruling that, yes, it was a catch. Well, hey, Jim Garrison saw all sorts of stuff in the Zapruder film that nobody else saw.
So: First down Oakland at the Kansas City 26 with about 45 seconds left. Then, Raiders backup Bruce Gradkowski dropped back and threw a pass to Heyward-Bey, who was open at the Chiefs 7 yard line. A catch there, a spike, and the Raiders have three shots at the end zone and the victory. The ball hit Bay right in the chest, which unfortunately was not where his hands happened to be. I’m not entirely sure where his hands were, but the ball bounced off his chest and hit an arm. This was when Heyward-Bay’s hands showed up. They batted at the football the way fans in the crowd bat at beach balls. He managed to hit the football just so that it popped up in the air and landed softly in the arms of Kansas City defensive back Mike Brown. Interception. Ballgame. The referee then called a personal foul on the Chiefs but pointed the wrong way, which was a good way to end this game.
So, yes, it was awful. The whole game. There was lousy offense AND lousy defense. There was bad coaching AND bad officiating. The fumbles were unforced, the interceptions gifts, the special teams decisions baffling, the coaching inept. There were penalties, punts, fumbles, drops, missed tackles, missed blocks and all sorts of confusing moments along with the added bonus of Gus Johnson’s calls …
Still … I feel oddly empty. I don’t know. I was hoping for this to be the worst NFL game ever played. And I just don’t think it was quite made it. I don’t know. Maybe it was too sad to be a truly bad football game. Or maybe it was missing that one surreal moment — I saw a Cincinnati Bengals game where a punt returner called fair catch at the one-yard line, and another where the Bengals purposely took back-to-back delay-of-game penalties. We have all seen the classic Tampa Bay footage with the kicker trying to kick a bouncing ball and falling down in the effort. Maybe that’s what this game needed, one transcendentally bad play that would have taken it from ghastly to legendary, from blundering to blissfully bad.
Then again, I just finished watching the game. Maybe the ineptitude just hasn’t sunk in yet. Anyway, next week we do get Cleveland and Detroit. So, as Obi Wan said in Star Wars, there’s another hope.
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You must have been watching the Packers-Cowboys game… well at least the description sounds the same.
Cleveland-Detroit will be bad but Cleveland-Oakland in Week 16 will be the bad game to watch. As a Browns fan these last two Sundays have been the best Sundays of the season since the Browns haven’t been playing.
“scheissenbedauern”
Chiefs win!
I recorded the game in standard definition instead of HD and I’m glad I did. The Chiefs don’t deserve that much space on my hard drive. And I tried looking at those orange zebra outfits in high-definition. You know that eye burn you can get if you stare too long at a Lava Lamp?
Actually, I think Yoda said it.
Obi Wan: That boy is our last hope.
Yoda: No, there is another
*Heyward-Bey
[...] Mikey Fresh wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptTo me, that’s like saying someone has talent for playing the piano because they have long fingers and like music. So, yes, Russell is awful. More than that, Russell looks like he doesn’t care. I’m not saying he doesn’t care — I’m saying … [...]
I was following this game on NFL.com because they stopped showing the Chiefs in the Tulsa, Oklahoma area about 5 weeks ago. Well, I was confused because nothing was being updated on that Heyward-Bey play, but ultimately they ruled it complete (I guess). Then all of a sudden, it just shows “Matt Cassel kneels, -1 yards, final”. Well just thought I would add to the mystery of this stinker…
Finally read Joe’s blog here at 9:00 PM and found out they intercepted, about to watch the highlights on NFL.com, well if that is what they are called anyway…
Joe,
We’ve got that one play. Bowe fumbles, 27 players miss jumping on the ball. Chiefs eventually recover and gain 23 additional yards due to the fumble.
how about Mike Brown deciding to run 15 yards after making that interception, instead of taking a knee? would Brown fumbling the INT and the Raiders recovering and scoring the winning TD have made this the worst NFL game for you?
I think the Joe Queenan word you’re looking for is:
scheissenbedauern
The play I think that summed up the game… the 4th-and-1 where Russell got completely stuffed on a QB sneak. I mean, it looked like he took the snap and fell down immediately. But the play didn’t count because the KC defense took a timeout right before the play started, and it didn’t count. It was awesomely pathetic on both sides.
I still say, the week before the Super Bowl, there should be a game between the worst two teams in the entire NFL.
Whichever team wins that game gets the first pick in the draft. It’s not right that teams can just tank games and be rewarded with a better draft pick (look at the NBA makin up the lottery)
Evenly-matched teams play entertaining games.
But I’m watching New England-Indy right now and after watching the KC-Oakland game, my head’s about to explode. There are several things I don’t understand: where are all the dropped passes? The penalties? The quarterbacks throwing out of bounds or through the uprights? The missed tackles? Where’s all the punting?
After watching KC-Oakland, watching a game between two good football teams is like watching an entirely different sport.
I used to complain that the Chief’s games were not shown here in San Antonio. No more complaints. Reading about them is tough enough.
David Foster Wallace, greatest American author.
What did you expect, Joe? The Ciefs dominated the Raiders at Arrowhead, and lost in a sucky game. W@hy not the other way around?
Are we saying the Chiefs aren’t the Royals then? They’re not bat-out-of-order, run-to-the-dugout-on-a-flyball-ridiculously awful, but just a run-of-the-mill bad football team?
Yoda also said…
“Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.”
Apropos, amiright?
For some reason, this epic tilt between two unworthy adversaries was shown here in Tampa. So I did witness the final indignity of a football play live.
And the question popped into my head…how many NFL receivers would miss that catch? Perhaps a few — Dallas’ Roy Williams comes to mind — but as soon as I realized that Heyward-Bey was the target, I expected a catastrophic result. And I was right.
I agree on the fourth down play where KC called timeout was fitting, but I suggest the Dwayne Bowe fumble in the 4th as an example of both teams ineptitude.
What began as a hard-fought play by both the Chiefs and Raiders devolved into one of the Sports Follies videos I watched on loop as a child. By forcing a fumble the Raiders managed to give the Chiefs twenty yards, and made Brian Waters appear to have the best hands on the field. Then again, maybe today he did.
I’m using this Chiefs season to catch up on old movies. I think you should have a poll for the best chase scenes. Bullitt? French Connection? I don’t even like chase scenes much, but I always watch that one from Bullitt.
Best fight scene? Maybe Sean Connery and Robert Shaw in From Russia With Love.
Football or baseball in KC? Thank God for college BB.
The officials had maybe the worst game that an officiating crew had, maybe ever. There were at least 3 plays that no whistle was blown that were completely invalidated by a dead ball foul that was not called in time. There were at least two flags thrown that were deemed no foul. That doesn’t even mention the blown calls that favored the LOSING team. This year’s bottom rung of the NFL is worse than ever, and I am not sure why.
3 of 31 on third down conversions. I think that says something about the offensive ineptitude.
When the Chiefs decided to be conservative at the end of the game and guarantee the Raiders a final drive, I was certain they were going to lose. They probably would have if not for Heyward-Bey. (I guess I can’t call him a bust because he was kind of expected to be one) For the at least the third time in the game, he missed a catch because he jumped to catch a ball when there was no need. On this last one, he actually popped the ball out of his hands with his knee during the jump. (look at the tape- he really did)
At the end, I was just happy we won. The wins have been few and far between, and at this point you just enjoy it, no matter how ugly.
[...] Joe Posnanski ” The Music Of Suckitude [...]
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Joe, to be fair, all of the commenters that I saw on your last post (including Keith Law and I) disagreed with you about the song, “Your Love.” No one said anything about The Outfield. Heck, I don’t even know another song by The Outfield, which I’m sure means they suck. But “Your Love” is a good song.
I should’ve guessed you’re a Queenan fan. Good stuff, all that.
Also, fyi, when asked last month what I wanted for my birthday, I could only think of two things: some long-sleeve t-shirts (the greatest garment ever invented), and The Machine. I finished The Machine in two days, loved it. The t-shirts should last must longer.
Maybe Joe should go on a vacation far away…come around and talk it over…
The Chiefs play the Browns at Arrowhead on Dec. 20th. It’ll be fun to compare that game to the Raiders vs. Chiefs games this year.
From a casual (and getting more casual daily) KC fan.
I watched 2 quarters of this travesty and felt bored beyond words. No grand feelings of watching an epic disaster; no “I’ll remember this for the rest of my life” shock at an astonishing and disastrous event. Just the boredom that comes from watching a high school drama performance of a great play. The right lines with the wrong delivery makes for a long night. But at least they are trying. Football can be entertaining, but when played by such staggeringly inept performers it just drags as one stupid and foolish thing follows another.
And I couldn’t help but notice that the stands were not even half full. Not too many folks in Oakland thought it worth going out to watch the tedium on what was clearly a lovely day. Here in KC it was a cold, drizzly day, perfect for such incompetence.
The game did provide some high comedy for me, and no, it wasn’t the twenty-yard fumble scramble. It was JaMarcus Russell’s hat.
For those of you who missed it, Russell’s first move upon reaching the sideline was to take off his helmet and put on a knit winter cap, complete with Raiders logo and fuzzy ball on top. He did this after every Raiders possession. Now, Russell was wearing black on a sunny day in Oakland where the temperature was already in the low 60s, so the presence of any winter cap was already pretty ridiculous, but when combined with his overwhelming ineptitude on the field, followed by his benching, his apparent indifference on the sideline, and the bouncy little tassel ball on top, he looked utterly preposterous. I laughed every time they showed him.
Comedy gold, Jerry, comedy gold.
I enjoyed how the announcers tried to cover for H-B by using the “He’s a rookie” excuse. Because we all know you don’t learn how to catch a ball with your hands to keep a game-winning drive going until you’re a four-year veteran.
There are not many things more frustrating than when a play gets reviewed and the officials still get it wrong. Besides the play Joe mentions, there was a bad spot in the 1st half that cost the Chiefs a 1st down.
There are as many blows on replay as there are just letting them play instead of wasting 10 minutes on every review.
While the game was ugly, as a Chiefs fan there were at least a few positives. 1. Jamal Charles did what LJ has never been able to do and scored from 44 yards on a run. LJ always used to get caught when he was in the open. 2. Bowe caught everything that was thrown his way. He was dominant with one of the best cornerback in the game on him. 3. Chris Chambers looks like he will be a decent #2 (hopefully next year #3) receiver. 4. Tomba Hali is continuing to develop into a good pass rusher. He would be doing a ton of damage if J.Allen was on the opposite side. 5. Cassel made good throws overall, especially when he had time (which he actually did have time for a number of throws). This at least gives hope that with a better offensive line, he will continue to improve as a quarterback (That said, no quarterback – not even Manning – can play well if they consistently have no time to throw the ball).
The Chiefs may be awful this year, but there are still signs of hope. The young players are getting experience, and with a good draft and quality off-season moves, the Chiefs will be in position to have a good team next year. For something that I watch to have fun, I would rather think positively than complain and bemoan regularly.
I don’t know why you’re singling out the Outfield. They had flash-in-the-pan success and that was it. Maybe you don’t like their hit. But it’s not like it’s overexposed or anything. There’s nothing really obnoxious about it. Yes, the group kicked around for a while, but they weren’t really stars, nor did they want to be. They weren’t dippy and pretentious like Sting, and their albums didn’t suck (and everyone on this blog who did like “Your Love” should really pick up their debut as it’s basically that song over and over again). They weren’t filling the airwaves with midtempo junk like Huey Lewis and the News. It’s like hating Men at Work.
I don’t understand why the Chiefs are wearing the throwback uniforms so much. I know they are exactly the same except for the helmet logo, but that is the freaking state of Texas. It’s not Dallas anymore, it’s Kansas City. They should have worn the uniforms once and that’s it.
Can you add Bill Watterson to your Best American Authors list? Now that we have a son I realize the man is a genius.
As a long suffering Chiefs fan, I think there is actually some hope. There would be substantially more hope if King Carl had given the fat contract to Jared Allen instead of LJ…
Music fanbole is more egregious than sports fanbole. Sports fans are completely delusional most of the time but they can usually appreciate that their team isn’t invincible or that another team might be better on a given day. Music fans are have no objective criteria so whenever they argue about it it comes out as “what! that’s the most awesomely awesome song of all time! You can’t hate, I refuse to let you hate it. It’s so much better than the crap you listen to. Lalalalalalalalalalalala” while they plug their ears with their fingers. What makes a person even care what another person’s subjective opinion is on something as totally irrelevant as music anyways. You’d think that they wrote the song about their dead mother when you say my heart will go on is a musical turd of host monster proportions.
I guess the league is contractually obligated to award 2 wins and 2 losses to the participants in this years Chiefs-Raiders series.
Personally, I consider both 1-6, with 2 abstentions. Combined 3 for 31 on third down, wow. I’m going to puke if I hear someone talk about the Chiefs having momentum. Assuming that they got on a plane after the game and were flying back to KC, they technically did have a lot of momentum after the game, but I will still puke a little in my mouth.
Was that the only game CBS could show? It was on here. I turned off my tv after the first drive (and the vikings’ ugly win ended). Brutal. How is that the only game available? Now, GB/Dallas was on, but that wasn’t exactly exciting football either (and I like defense).
[...] up with Joe Posnanski, the Chiefs/Raiders game was underwhelming. Shane Lechler punted 11 times for the Raiders, which sounds like it should be some kind of record, [...]
@#14 Mike,
I like the idea. That’s just the ‘outside the box’ thinking that will never get the real consideration it deserves. They could replace the Pro-Bowl with this game. That would be fun to watch especially when your team was elimated back in September.
Anyway the game was exactly what I expected. Fugly. I knew we were in for a long afternoon when (after a week’s worth of practices scripting the 1st series of plays), the Chiefs offense on its 1st play of the game took a false start penalty. I knew we were in for a long afternoon when Haley decided to forego the sure 3 points at the raider 14 to go for it on 4th & 1. I would not have been surprised if the raiders tied the game on a touchdown and then missed the extra point sending this ‘thing’ into overtime.
Both teams are absolutely awful but awful is relative as well.
Thankfully, the Chiefs restored some order and beat the raiders.
Listening to an entire Outfield album in protest. The Outfield are Trumped only by Eddie Money and Huey Louis for best cheesey 80’s band based almost entirely upon contextual nostalgia.
Sorry to keep plugging this, but I just can’t resist. This one’s for you, Joe.
http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/11/outfield-your-love.html
Okay I couldn’t make it through the album. Nonetheles…
Not the worst game the Chiefs ever played, btw. They lost 3-0 to the Bucs in Tampa in the middle of a hurricane one year, it had to be early 1980s (I just looked at pro-football-reference.com, it was 1979). That was an awful football game.
I think you all missed the best play of the game. It was on the Raiders second series. The second or third pass play. Russel dropped back to throw and two of our defenders ran into eachother instead of Russel. Its not like the guy is mobile he just stood there! It was a keystone cops moment.
I think your problem, Joe, is that you’ve watched so much Royals baseball over the last 10 years that it takes something extraordinarily bad to even hit your radar. As bad as the Chiefs game was yesterday, there was no one scaling the centerfield wall for a fly ball that fell 10 feet in front of the wall. There was also no first baseman getting in the way of a throw to the plate because he was trying to get a better view.
Speaking of “suckitude”…..I think Jose was indeed on a vaction far away and sat in “Silent Lucidity” (special thanks to the under appreciated one hit wonder suck band,Queensryche ) after watching the Chefs-Raiders game…..realizing that it could have been even worse!
By the way, the Outfield did, does and will always suck….
Queensryche- not a one-hit wonder, not sucky.
In fact, they were one of the premier legit metal bands of the late 80s/early 90s. Their concept album Operation: Mindcrime is considered a modern classic and a seminal piece of metal. Learn before you speak (write).
It may not be the worst game in NFL history, but the worst game I ever saw in person was KC at SD in 2000. Ryan Leaf at his “peak” vs. a very over the hill Warren Moon. Moon was 12-31 passing, and Leaf wasn’t much better. It was like a bad JV game. SD won on a long FG at the gun, to win the only game of their 1-15 season. Uggh.
[...] be found here, from Joe Posnanski: You keep hearing about this “talent” that he has — after all, he was the No. 1 pick in the [...]
Circle me, Trent Green
That Dallas-Green Bay game was much worse, says I, because I was bad and also not entertaining at all. God, I hate penalties. It sucked the life outta me.
Then I watched NE and Indy….good lord, so THAT’S what football is supposed to look like….
[...] And do dropped interceptions count as dropped passes? Just know there were enough dropped passes that when the announcers checked in with the Navajo language broadcast â?? the Raiders occasionally have their games broadcast in Navajo â?? the only ….. I don’t understand why the Chiefs are wearing the throwback uniforms so much. I know they are exactly the same except for the helmet logo, but that is the freaking state of Texas . It’s not Dallas anymore, it’s Kansas City. …Continue [...]
Ugg Australia has recruited designers like Manolo Blahnik, Carlos Falchi, Rebecca Minkoff, Rafe pictured,and more to design high-end versions of the brand’s trademark boots for its seventh annual Art & Sole auction.I have to assume these will be filed under unaffordable (which is good – more money for St. Jude!), but I’ll still be going to the pickyouruggs.com Web site on December 1 to window shop and see what these designers have cooked up.I am trying to picture what I would do to make these high end… Real Italian leather? A pearl brooch? Other expensive ingredients and sparkles? Maybe the differences won’t be that extreme, but I hope each designer puts his personal touch on the shoe. I’m certain at the very least you’ll be able to pick out which Uggs came from Betsey Johnson (UGG Classic tall 5815 boots, please!).The event is likely to inspire as many interesting Ugg knockoffs as there are regular Ugg knockoffs, so it is possible we’ll see something like this around town next year. It’s not only a great event for charity but probably also a good move to keep Uggs alive and relevant… especially with the number of people who’d like to see them disappear for good!UGG boots on sale!I will of course keep wearing my Uggs because A) I have them and B) they are warm, but if your kid asks Santa for Where the Wild Things Are UGG boots… I feel for ya.
[...] *Though to be fair to the officials, officiating this game would be like refereeing a fight between Andrew Golata and the Penguin from the Batman TV show. One guy’s hitting low, the other guy’s spraying knockout gas from his umbrella, ….. Joe, to be fair, all of the commenters that I saw on your last post (including Keith Law and I) disagreed with you about the song , â??Your Love.â? No one said anything about The Outfield. Heck, I don’t even know another song by The …Continue [...]
[...] this month, Joe Posnanski had the best summation of Russell’s professional prospects I’ve ever seen: You keep hearing about this "talent" that he has – after all, he was the No. 1 [...]