ABC: Keystone Light Grandpa
Posted: November 3rd, 2009 | Filed under: Pop Culture | 70 Comments »
Type of beer commercial: Comedy.
Beer rating: J (Juvenile: Childish themes, moderate violence).
The set up: Grandson is talking to two friends — a man and a woman — at what appears to be a family picnic of some kind.
The friends are certainly platonic … it seems unclear why Attractive Woman is in this commercial except that a beer commercial is not a beer commercial without Attractive Woman. Perhaps she is a next-door neighbor who has quietly longed for Grandson like Boof in “Teen Wolf” or the girl in the “You Belong To Me” Taylor Swift video*.
*My young daughters LOVE that Taylor Swift video. They have seen it like 25 times, which means I have seen it like 25 times. My daughters and television commercials are pretty my only connection to today’s pop culture.
The friends seem to be congratulating Grandson on something such as graduating from college or getting his first job or perhaps backing his car out of the garage without knocking off one of the side mirrors. It is possible this barbecue is, in fact, to celebrate Grandson. At this point: Grandpa appears and says the fateful words, “Hey Sonny, toss me a Keystone Light.”
The plot: The Grandson is troubled by this conundrum. On the one hand, his 84-year-old Grandfather with a walker clearly said he wanted him to TOSS a Keystone Light. And this is a Grandfather who, the viewer can deduce in a very short period of time, has been a pain in the butt for a long time. On the other hand, Grandson clearly senses that throwing a full can of beer across the yard to an 84-year-old Grandfather with a walker may not be the most sensible route.
“OK Grandpa, but why don’t I just walk it over to you,” Grandson says, and if you watch the commercial closely — which you cannot help but doing because it is on your television ever 28.9 seconds — you will notice that the two platonic friends nod imperceptibly at this Solomonic decision.
“Come on Nancy, put it right down the alley!” Grandpa says. The rebuke — punctuated by being called a woman’s name — has refocused Grandson’s thinking. Why walk over the beer can when you can toss it? He looks back at his friends who now nod as if to say, “Please throw a can of beer at your utterly obnoxious grandfather.”
The twist: Grandson tosses the can of beer and it hits Grandfather in the head and bounces off in a thoroughly unrealistic Tom and Jerry way. At which point, Grandfather starts wailing in pain.
The result: Grandson’s father walks over and says, “What are you nuts? He’s an 84-year-old man.” Father does not seem particularly upset, however. Mother at this point says, “Dad, you OK?” but she doesn’t seem especially upset either. The Grandfather must have been some kind of jerk, and it’s apparent he does not have much money to hand down.
The company line: “You can’t always be smooth but your beer should be. Smooth brewed for that smooth Keystone taste. Keystone Light is always smooth, even when you’re not.” You might conclude from them using the word “smooth” four times in 26 words — 4 for 26 (.154) is better that Mark Teixeira in this World Series — that “smooth” is something of a key message word. The words “Smooth brewed” and “Always smooth” flash on the screen while the announcer talks. So, technically, “smooth” is 6 of 30 words (.200) which is better than Ryan Howard. This, apparently, is one smooth beer … demonstrated by the way it caused great pain for an elderly man.
The twist II: The Grandson realizing that he made a tactical error by throwing a full can of beer at his Grandfather runs over to apologize, at which point the Grandfather hits him in the groin with his walker. This is a family that enjoys causing mind-numbing pain for each other!
The acting: The Grandfather will get most of the awards and honors because of his extremely grating personality … you wonder if people throw beer cans at him on a regular basis. However, in my mind the best acting in the commercial is done by the father who in a mere one line manages to get across the point that he really is quite pleased that his father-in-law has been hit in the head by a beer can. The Grandson is nondescript, and his friends do not seem vital to the plot.
The “official” takeaway — from the Website: “The moral of this 2009 Keystone Light ad: Always listen to your elders unless it’s your 84 year old Grandpa with the walker.”
The actual takeaway: Keystone Light cans make for excellent weapons. The official beer of Albert Belle.
VIDEO LINK: If you want to see this commercial, you can go to this Website sign in*, and go to videos & downloads. Or, if you watch sports, you can turn on your television.
*For some reason, beer Web sites demand that you give date of birth before allowing you in. These seems stupid to me on about 12 different levels. One — you just want to READ about beer, not DRINK beer. I didn’t think there was an age limit for such things. But two — how hard is it to punch a fake birthdate? As far as I know, nobody’s watching.
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Circle me Joey Belle!
My favorite part of the commercial is how the grandson holds the toss pose long after he nails grandpa in the head.
Nah…I’m lying. I have no favorite part of that commercial.
Joe, your author poll needs John Updike (would have been my choice) and Willa Cather.
New Rule: When posting ABC’s, a link to the video is required
Isn’t Keystone made by Coors? See, then that means they have the market completely covered. Your “SMOOTH beer” types can drink Keystone Light, while your “COLD beer” partisans can opt for regular Coors Light. (And of course the old-school guys, guys that respect history and know that beef is what’s for dinner, can go for the Sam Elliot-approved Coors Banquet.)
Haven’t seen any Keystone ads. Maybe we are fortunate that Keystone hasn’t shown up in this market (MN) yet.
“When it’s time to relax, Miller stands clear, beer after beer. If you’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer (beer after beer). Miller tastes too good to hurry through.”
Enjoy the new feature, Joe, but as a favour to your Canadian friends, can you link to the ads in question? We aren’t generally saturated with U.S. ads – even the major U.S. networks run Canadian ads a majority of the time (on the rare occasions when I do see an ad announcing a deal that interests me, I double-check to see whether it’s only available in the U.S. or if it’s a Canadian ad.)
So yeah, in both cases, I hadn’t seen the ads you reviewed and had to dig them up on Youtube. The Keystone Light ad was easy enough to find, but the Miller Lite eHarmony one took a bit of digging, since I didn’t know what I was looking for. I wound up watching far more Miller Lite ads than anyone should ever have to watch back-to-back.
I cast a write-in vote for Paul Auster. Not that “Best American Author” is the greatest of honors anyway. We have as good a literary past as any country’s, and we’ve had many outstanding writers, but there’s no American Shakespeare, or Joyce, or Ibsen. We’ve had outstanding overall quality, but no geniuses. I’m OK with that.
As for the commercial: this could have been brilliant if they had cast Milton Bradley as Grandson.
Why isn’t “Joe Posnanski” on the best american author list??
I voted for Faulkner, but would prefer to have voted for Cormack McCarthy.
Hey Joe,
Same request as #7. In exchange we can dig up some classic Old Vienna beer ads for your review. OV, oh yah!, just say OV!
Joe, the poll needs H. P. Lovecraft, Charles Brockden Brown, and David Foster Wallace.
Still voted for Hemingway. But you know.
While maybe not at the top of the list, you could certainly include Whitman, Henry Miller, and Jack Kerouac on your list as options, Joe. Whitman may not count properly as an “author” in the sense I think you mean in, but the other two are certainly reasonable choices.
Someday I will learn to type…
I haven’t seen this one, but my ‘favorite’ beer commercial is the one with two (presumably) SCJs at a party with only one beer left in the cooler. They agree to play rock, paper, scissors for it, SCJ 1 throws paper, SCJ 2 throws an actual rock which knocks out his friend, takes the beer and walks off. His fallen friend laments “I threw paper”, SCJ 2 says “I threw a rock”.
Another commercial which might make for an interesting review is one I heard on radio, I think, several years ago. It may be for Amstel light where a group of guys are talking about beer commercials and how unrealistic and silly they are. During the commercial they pointedly order more Amstel from the waitress proving that those silly beer commercials have no impact on them.
Two things:
1.) My takeaway from the commercial is that men are stupid. But that’s the takeaway of all commercials, so nothing new there.
2.) For everyone complaining about the author poll, kindly note Joe’s specific inclusion of “I’ll pick someone else” as a voting option. This should have eliminated any responses like “I voted for Faulkner but would have preferred to have voted for (fill in the blank).” Even if you missed that point…Faulkner? Really? That was your default? Couldn’t you have picked someone who actually uses punctuation and paragraphs and whatnot? Someone actually, I don’t know….readable?
I love you, Michelob.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RscZBLn9fI4
or…
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/4/grandpas-keystone-light-698981.html
No one planning to drink a can of beer would ask that it be thrown across the yard to him. Grandpa was planning on popping it and spraying Sonny, so he deserves what he got.
And I think we must assume that that walker-to-crotch routine has been used many times with these two, so it must be mutually pleasurable on some level.
I wouldn’t drink Keystone Light with Bea Arthur’s mouth.
A beer commercial is not a beer commercial “withOUT AN attractive woman” was meant, I assume.
Henry Miller, that’s who I was trying to think of . But I would like to name drop Thomas Pynchon, Sinclair Lewis, and Saul Bellow. Also, Joe, your poll shows your white male bias. No Ayn Rand? No Sylvia Plath? No Ralph Ellison?
I wonder whom A-Rod voted for. He seems like a Steinbeck man to me.
I can’t imagine this poll was meant to be at all comprehensive. It is pretty heavy on the dead white guys, as mentioned. (Only one is alive). And I’m not sure how to have that sort of poll without including the authors of the two Greatest American Novels, Melville and Morrison.
I am not arguing that writing the Greatest Novel qualifies someone to be the best author, but they should at least be in the running.
Why the hell am I not included in the poll? Haven’t you assholes ever read any of my stuff? What’s wrong with you?
I wouldn’t wipe my ass with any of those other so-called authors’ books! You’re all morons! Every last one of you!
JP Donleavy
Luckily, I’ve never seen a Keystone Light commercial. Frankly, I’m amazed that such a shoddy and cheap item can afford to advertise, just as I’m dumbfounded by Milwaukee’s Best Light sponsoring poker. Even so, they are giving you the proper code, by constant usage of “smooth” they are informing you that its unencumbered by any of that pesky flavor that might make you WANT to drink it, while also subtly letting you know that its wind resistance is quite low. No doubt by presenting this item as a grenade to subdue cranky AARP members armed with sterilization weapons, they have found the proper marketing approach.
The grandson uses an somewhat favors a “Ross” from friends style of physical comedy… And maybe I am getting old, but I hope to be able to cleanly catch a cold beer across the yard when I am 84!
What you have to wonder is whether the whole “hitting Grandpa with a beer can” incident causes the Boof-like next-door neighbor to rethink her secret crush on the grandson. Assuming she had one.
Best American author: Edgar Allan Poe.
Thank you for providing me a forum in which to ask a question that has been troubling me for quite some time:
Is the Annoyed Dad in this Keystone commercial played by ESPN’s NFL insider Chris Mortensen?
If so, why is an ESPN “reporter” shilling for a crappy beer (unless the party is to announce that junior just signed with the Cowboys)? If not, then why hasn’t the real Mort reported that the Grandson has signed with the Chiefs as a QB?
Saul Bellow
That’s a lot of words to describe a really stupid commercial. Pretty much all the Keystone commercials are. They are just wasting their money because it is horrible horrible beer and no amount of advertising will make me want to drink it. I don’t think they even have it in Florida (not that I have looked).
Joe’s list of choices for “Best American Author” is pretty much the list I would have given, but I am interested in the comments about the “white male bias,” because I was concerned that I might have a bias that I was unaware of when I compiled my reading list for my comprehensive exam and found that it was very heavy on old white guys. What I ended up deciding was that, for better or worse, that’s who has dominated American literature historically.
Just wondering if there’s someone who I’ve managed to miss. I’ll admit that I’ve only read one Toni Morrison novel (a deficiency that I plan to rectify), but other than her I can’t think of anyone else that I’d put above anyone on the list. I suppose I could replace Fitzgerald with any number of good but not great writers like Katherine Ann Porter, Edith Wharton, or even Alice Munro (assuming by American you are including Canadian…of course the other assumption I’m making is that American does not include American literature written in Spanish.)
So you have to be 21 to be able to look at the beer company website, but they are permitted to broadcast their commercials to every television in America during events that children are bound to be watching like–oh I don’t know–the World Series?
Circle me, hypocrite.
This is actually one of my all time favorite commercials. I saw this one roughly 37 times per KC Royals game this summer…it was almost the only joy in any game. But, despite seeing it so very many times, I laughed every single time, both when the can bounces off Grandpa’s head, and when Grandpa walker-knocks his grandson in the nards. Call me juvenile, but it was hysterious.
An incomplete list of people who should be included in this poll (you are woefully short on modern writers and people who aren’t white men)…
Cormac McCarthy
Toni Morrison
Herman Melville
Michael Chabon
John Updike
James Fenimore Cooper
Edith Wharton
John Cheever
Willa Cather
Saul Bellow
Robert Penn Warren
Raymond Carver
And those are just the ones off the top of my head who should absolutely be in the discussion. There are others you could argue for and there are certainly the one hit wonders like Harper Lee. Also, if you go beyond fiction, you can bring in people like Langston Hughes and Emerson.
Honestly, this is the most inadequate poll I’ve seen you from you.
I think that Keystone Commercial has been around for at least a year, maybe two. I just know I have seen it many, many times.
I’ve was thinking Poe when I went with someone else, but I’ve read as much Dos Passos as any of those lost generation fellows on that list and enjoyed it more.
I thought for sure Samuel Clemens would have lost a lot of votes after his former editor made those scandalous accusations about injecting him with diction-enhancing drugs.
Also, not touting him as the greatest American writer, but Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 is one of a very few novels I’ve read that made me automatically go out and buy everything else in the author’s canon. Of course, nothing else he wrote matched or even neared his seminal work, but it still goes down as one of my all-time favourite books.
Crappy ad (my guess, made in one afternoon for c. $7500) but another great piece — Howard, Teixeira and Tom and Jerry all tied in with intergenerational discord, the conundrum of care for the aged and the expectations of inheritance.
To the person who brought up Ayn Rand, you cannot be serious. The woman couldn’t write home for money.
I have never seen that commercial, so I must agree that it must not be broadcast in MN.
Also, I think I’m the first person that’s left a comment here that lied about his age. 1989? No, that won’t work. Hit the delete button once….1988! There we go!
“But two — how hard is it to punch a fake birthdate? As far as I know, nobody’s watching.”
Yeah, even a 20-year old could figure that out!
OK. For all the I’m-a-clever-dick-well-read-well-rounded-nonjudgemental-all-inclusive-absolutely-politically-correct-know-it-alls-with-your-smart-arse-author-lists-that show-up-Joe’s-picks, top these wordsmiths . . .
Leah Ravington
Antonio Baldessarini
Huffington Snark
Maryanne Whiffs
Dushayne Dushayne Smith
Jaap van der Lay
Ngbibi Ntini
Fosdick Bumboil
Mrs Beaton
Ali Ali Oxenfree
Mathias
Takahashi Ishikawa
Salman Salmon
Not all write in English, so there’s possibly one or two obscure ones in there.
Graphite,
Yes, Ali Ali Oxenfree should definitely be up there.
This is the best list yet.
My “pick someone else” in your American author poll is John Irving … or Pat Conroy.
On the ‘nobody’s watching’ aspect, Japan is a country filled with cigarette vending machines. Due to international unhappiness, they installed card readers to make sure that you’re of age (you get a special chip-installed card), but many people don’t bother.
So there are vending machines where you can hit a button, and your photo gets zapped somewhere they can determine if you’re 20, or they have some algorithm that determines you’re not underage.
It provides endless amusement for drunk old men.
Joe FYI for your music poll U2 is definitely not a pop band and never has been. They are alternative firstly and secondly their influence on alternative is utterly dwarfed by Nirvana Pearl Jam and REM anyhow.
Weird. I hardly watch any tv, live in MN (as should be obvious from my “name”), and I’ve seen that ad waaaaaaay too many times. That’s just a stupid, juvenile ad, the kind I usually hate. I think it is the subtlties that Joe points out, like the friends, and the low key “acting” of the parents. For some reason I almost like this ad. I’d only drink that beer if handed it on a golf course when there was no other choice, though.
Graphite [#43]: Are you honestly that outraged that people might suggest America’s best author might be someone other than a white male? And that indignant that some people have a diverse base of literary knowledge?
I mean, if someone legitimately feels Toni Morrison or Ralph Ellison or Sylvia Plath (or Zora Neale Hurston, or Richard Wright, or, or, or…) has a claim as America’s best writer, then who are any of us to say they’re wrong? It is, after all, up to personal taste as much as anything else. There’s no Prose Over Replacement Author stat out there.
And as for your list, Huffington Snark and Fosdick Bumboil are most assuredly old white men. Likely Brits, but still…
Mark [#47]: The music poll asks which artist had the biggest INFLUENCE on pop, and doesn’t suggest the acts themselves are “pop” music. Having said that, U2’s career includes plenty of pop moments. Hell, they had an album titled “Pop.”
Justin @49
Outraged? Hardly. Why would I be outraged? To each his own, one man’s meat is another man’s poison, and all that.
As Paul White, that pillar of common sense and reason, pointed out @16, there was a box for those who thought the list incomplete. Tick it and move along please.
Although, I know it’s super fun for some people when they uncover bias, real or imagined. Break out the pitchforks, set up the stake. Must have been great living in 16th century Spain. Different side of the political spectrum, I know, but similar mindset.
Now, the list. Of course Huffington Snark is an old white guy. He’s from upstate New York. It would be a damn stupid list of the greatest American writers that left him off. And he didn’t choose his parents.
Sorry about Fosdick Bumboil, though. That’s a typo. Obviously — and I’m surprised you didn’t pick up on this — I meant Fosdick Bumboli, son of an Italian sea captain and a Trinidadian shipping clerk. Maybe I cast my net too wide by including the West Indies.
And apparently there was an English author by the name of Mrs Beaton; wrote a cookery book. Co-incidences, huh.
Melville.
Although Hammerin’ Hank James deserves a nomination for sure.
Ali Ali Oxenfree really didn’t write in America. I remember him as being Saudi Arabian.
Far be it from me to put words in Graphite’s mouth, but I think the point of mocking those who just felt compelled to list a bunch of other writers who Joe had the temerity to leave out of the poll is that, Jesus Christ, you can’t actually pick the greatest american author, there is, in most of the ways that matter, no such thing, but these guys are more or less the acknowledged pantheon and let’s just see who the folks around here put at the top of that pantheon.
And even if there were really such a thing as the greatest american author there would be no way to run a meaningful poll about it because the choices would be too numerous and still someone would feel like their favorite was left out.
And also, you come across as tiresome, holier-than-thou, and condescending when you rattle off the list of names you presume to tell us “must be in the poll.” We get it. There are whole bunch of other great authors. We all knew that before you felt the need to list every author you could think of off the top of your head.
A Best American Author list should not be limited to fiction writers. Walt Whitman is America’s greatest writer in my opinion, but most people don’t read poetry.
Miller Lite E-harmony >>> keystone lite grandpa
Hunter S Thompson needs to be mentioned.
Presumably the *real* reason for requiring a date of birth from those who access a beer company’s website is that it provides a very quick and cheap (if not 100% reliable) method of collecting data on the age profile of your customers (and potential customers)…
No, the “real” reason is so the beer companies can say, “See, we check IDs before we let people on this site,” so that whenever someone complains about alcohol advertising to minors, they can claim they are covered.
Grandpa doesn’t even attempt to catch the damn thing. Jeez Gramps you gotta lay out for those…
not a beer commercial, but strange nevertheless
the miracle whip commercial, with the SWPL hipsters dancing on the rooftops while eating sandwiches with MW on them. the absurdity blows my mind.
Miralce Whip – The PBR of Mayonaise!
I think we can all agree that Graphite was at least spot on in his assessment of Ayn Rand. As Kung Fu Monkey says:
“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs. “
“These seems stupid to me on about 12 different levels”
#3 Are beer commercials rated TV-MA so that the “V” Chip automatically blacks them out?
No Washington Irving? Outrage! See, yea, see my outrage and spittle doth fly, as verily I type truth unto power!
Or, y’know, I can chill… maybe go out, catch a flick, grab a sandwich…
What I really would love to see is an ABC analysis of classic beer commercials. (I guess that would be CBC, pleasing our Northern neighbors.) “He missed the tag! HE MISSED THE TAG!” Ah, the good ol’ days.
The USA is too big of a country with too long and diverse a history to choose a “greatest author.”
My personal favorite is Hunter S. Thompson.
The above comments are really just people taking the opportunity to show off. Some people are compelled to let others know that they have great taste in non-mainstream books, music, and movies. I should know, as I am often one of them.
That said, the voters got this one right. Pretty much every criteria you want in a “best author” is found in Twain. Groundbreaking, iconic works? Check. Unique style and voice? Check. Extensive catalog? Check. Achieved massive acclaim while never pandering? Double-check. He even gets bonus points for being one of the funniest people in American history (my #1) and enjoying as a hobby putting bastards in their places through sarcastic letter-writing.
Of course, he’s very well known, so advocating for him wouldn’t be very cool.
In defense of Ayn Rand, I think Atlas Shrugged has been one of the top sellers every year since it came out. Granted “best american author” is not equivalent to “best selling” or “most popular” but I think those things are reasonable factors to consider. She is probably not in the same category as most of the others on this list in terms of her writing abilities. But for those complaining about the lack of women authors on the list, you are shooting yourself in the foot to dismiss her out of hand. I’m NOT saying she’s the best ever, but I think she is worth consideration. Think of her like Andre Dawson. HOF worthy? Maybe, but probably not. Worth discussing? yes. (Go ahead, crucify me)
In any case, a list without Herman Melville is like a baseball list without Babe Ruth.
I keep coming back and to this ad and thinking what an awful throw by the grandson (not Jamarcus Russell, bad, but bad nonethless).
When he releases gramps hands are down around the top of the walker. He’s 84 and the grandson has to know that his reflexes are shot. It should have been an easy toss that either hits the hands or falls short.
Either the grandson has zero depth perception, has Derek Anderson-like accuracy, or wanted to kill him for the inheritance, which based on grampa’s clothing choices doesn’t seem like much.
Personally, I think he’s the second-coming of Steve Sax, but then the throw would have been five feet over his head and landing in the neighbor’s yard.
does anyone remember that Super Bowl commercial from a few years ago for “The Beer Institute”? Apparently there is some lobbying organization that thinks beer has insufficiently penetrated the public consciousness.
To this day I have no idea if that was some very elaborate postmodern joke.
One typo. “ever 28.9 seconds” should be “every 28.9 seconds.” I like the ABCs, but I fear Madison Avenue can make them faster than you can review them.