Tonight’s KC Book Event
Posted: September 29th, 2009 | Filed under: Media | 56 Comments »
Just a quick reminder: My book and blog event is at 7 p.m. at the lovely Unity Temple on the Plaza in the heart of Kansas City. Details are here. I’ll be reading a section from The Machine, of course, and signing books afterward. But more we’ll be talking about whatever people want to talk about.
Suggested discussion topics:
1. If a tree fell in the forest, would Jim Rice call it unimpressive?
2. How would the movie “Hoosiers” have been different if Todd Haley was coach?
3. Zack Greinke. Discuss.
4. What would happen if you put a Snuggie INSIDE the slap chop?
5. Why “We Built This City” beats out “Broken Wings” and “Achy Breaky Heart” and others for worst song ever.
6. Where do we think this Mark and Ann thing is going on Parks and Recreation?
7. What do the sports gods have against Kansas City anyway?
8. If you are old and you buy a new basketball goal for your driveway, do you REALLY have to set it at 10 feet? I mean, are you training for the NBA?
I don’t know if I will be wearing a Snuggie … I still have to see how the final tally comes in on the poll. Waiting on all those absentee ballots and also for the precincts in St. Louis and the upper Western corner of Indiana to report.
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I say you wear a Derrick Thomas jersey and carry a prosthetic leg.
Circle Me ‘Sheed!!
“Believe” by Cher is in fact the worst song ever, if you can even call it a song.
FWIW, my only KC experience is also my favorite “We Built This City” experience. I stopped for a couple Royals/Red Sox games on a cross-country drive. Wonderful stadium, very nice people. All the nearby motels were full, so I backtracked a couple exits east and checked into a Motel 6. Walked over to a bar next door, and it was everything an east-coaster imagines of the midwest– plaid on denim, miller lite everywhere, and a DJ mixing “We Built This City” into “I Love Rock’n'Roll”, then into “We Will Rock You”. So bad, so good.
If a tree fell in the forest, would Jim Rice call it unimpressive?
Unless it fell in 1978, he didn’t hear it.
The tree falling would only be impressive if it fell in Boston or New York.
I was in Malacca, Malaysia once. Malacca has a storied history, going back 1000 years. It has buildings that date from the 1600s, and its historic city centre is designated a World UNESCO heritage site. It is the cultural centre of Malaysia, and is one of *the* places to celebrate Chinese New Year (which is why I was there).
It was incredibly festive, as the old city centre was packed with people, young and old, even after midnight. There were great displays and amazing street food. And then, I came upon this assembly of about 300 older Malaysians, all dressed in white. Obviously, something very special was about to happen – certainly something very cultural.
But then Achy Breaky Heart started playing, and they all started line dancing. And I knew then that the Apocalypse was nearing…
I guess part of the reason”We Built this City” was so awful is that it came from the ashes of one of the biggest Rock and Roll acts of the 60’s, Jefferson Airplane.
It’s still bizarre that Grace Slick who was singing songs like, “White Rabbit”, “Don’t You wan’t Somebody to Love”, and sang backup on “Volunteers” would sing such a cheesy 80’s song. This song kind of typifies what was most horrible about 80’s pop. All flash, no substance, too much video focus, casio keyboards, cheesy hooks, etc.
I actually thought that the theme from “Manaquin” was their low point.
“Achy Breaky Heart” was probably more horrible because not only was it a horrible song, it also caused that terrible “Country Line Dancin” craze.
You keep the rim at 10′ because that’s the standard, just like you would keep an archery target the same.
I saw Starship perform live in concert in the early nineties after Grace Slick left at an amusement park. They opened and closed with “We built this City”.
Zack Greinke is neither a “Zack” nor a “Gre…BARBARA!?!??!!
Joe in a Snuggy : Frank-Bunny from “Donnie Darko.” Anyone? Anyone?
@Ant Bham
Joe in a snuggy is just about the least threatening image my brain can conjure and Frank-Bunny is bone-chillingly creepy, so to complete your analogy:
Joe in a snuggy : Frank-Bunny from Donnie Darko :: Domesticated bunny : Screaming banshee
Props to anyone who knows what a banshee actually is (hint: it’s from Celtic mythology, not some sort of hyena-like creature)
Tip o’ the Kangol OP#12. There’s somebody who doesn’t know what a banshee is though?
I am not positive, but I think a banshee is a mythical creature who crouches on the shoulder of anyone who signs a contract to manage a professional sports team in KC. And tells them that they CAN turn it around. Sort of a hallucinogenic thing I suppose…
Maybe I should have more faith in humanity, I just always get the sense that when people say “He was screaming like a banshee,” they think they’re referring to some kind of animal.
@onthemark
yeah, they are harbingers of death, so I can’t really fault your definition.
The banshee appears in many forms–making an ill-informed decision to send a runner home from third, making a “get a stick and hit it” attempt to play a carom off a wall, leaving a shoulder-inflamed right hander in the ballgame for over one hundred-thirty pitches. All Royals, all grim, all the time* = The Habitat of Brother Banshee.
*barring Greinke starts
I’m pretty sure more people are familiar with bean si than you suspect, Owen. Or, at least, I’ve never actually seen or heard anyone reference them as animals.
Joe, if you wimp out wearing a Snuggie (come on man, it’s 78% for!), at least bring a ShamWow to mop your brow while speaking.
“I’m pretty sure more people are familiar with bean si than you suspect”
We are the Internet; projecting ignorance onto others is what we do.
For one point: bane-sidhe
Hrmm… now I’m wondering if this is one of those things where I thought they might be animals when I was younger- laughing hyenas, screaming banshees, those seem to go together right?- and once older and enlightened I figured everyone else was thinking that too. Now I’m hoping some brave soul steps up and declares previous banshee-ignorance. It would really make my day.
Perhaps if the Royals would pipe in some Siouxsie and the Banshees during seventh-inning stretch? “Hong Kong Garden,” Christine,” “Spellbound”? Yes? No?
Jefferson Starship wasn’t wholly terrible – Jane’s a pretty good song. However, by the time Mannequin rolled around the band had turned sour.
Joe, the internet has spoken — you’re wearing the Snuggie!
“Where do we think this Mark and Ann thing is going on Parks and Recreation?”
Pffft. Wherever it’s going it better get there fast because that show is on an express train to oblivion.
I say ONLY wear the Snuggie if you’ll show a photo of same tomorrow (or soon) on the blog!
Wow. Has anyone read John Dewan’s Stat of the Week this week?
http://www.actasports.com/sows.php
Dewan weighs in on the MVP races, a hot topic around here to say the least. He tabs Greinke as the AL MVP based on Total Runs. Among position players the leader is…..Chone Figgins.
Amen #25. I kept hoping for a webcast of the event.
22. Dan V.
The difference with Jefferson Starship and “Starship” was that Marty Balin and Paul Kantner were still in the “Jefferson Starship”, The “Starship” which did “Built this City”, and that horrible “Nothing gonna Stop us Now” from the Manaquin movie, was a weak reminder of Jefferson Airplane.
Jefferson Starship actually had some good songs: Miracles, Jane, With Your Love, Count on Me, Familiar Stranger, Find Your Way Back, Laying it on the Line.
You should do a post on the Mets there season has been almost as terrible as the Royals’ tonight summed that up two errors and a great play by an awful fielder cost them the game, as usual
Hope it went well. Sad to be thousands of miles away.
And “Juke Box Hero” by Foreigner is in fact the worst song of all time.
Okay. The Royals blew another one. So: Snuggie or no?
I chortle at your choices for worst song of all time.
Nothing will ever be worse than “What Have You Done For me Lately,” the Janet Jackson abomination. Then she pulled the Johnny Vander Meer: she directly followed it with “Nasty.”
That back-to-back “dentist drill to the ears” may never be surpassed.
Joe,
Are you working on you Kyle Farnsworth blog entry yet? Or perhaps you could add the “I’ll have Farnsworth pitch the ninth inning in Yankee Stadium” to your “Oh, I get it … no, wait maybe not” entry.
The worst song topic is fun enough, but it really comes down to the one that pokes you in just the wrong spot.
I suggest this as an alternate topic: worst song for a closer to take the mound to.
There are a million directions to go with that, but for some reason the one I can’t stop thinking about it “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia. Somehow that just seems like the exact opposite of the “I will destroy you” songs closers tend to favor.
I think a serious case can be made for the 1985-1986 vortex as producing the worst hit songs in the history of popular music. Was it the payola? Was it that the desire to see a cool video was deemed more important than whether the song sucked or not?
Either way, what 1968 was to hitting, what 1969 was to Cub fans, ‘85-’86 was to music fans. The biggest hits/debacles of each year, starting with ‘85:
1. Hairless Lisper, Wham!
3. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, Wham!
4. I Want to Know What Love Is, Foreigner
14. We Built This City, Starship
18. St. Elmos Fire (Man In Motion), John Parr
19. The Heat Is On, Glenn Frey (an Eagle!)
33. One More Night, Phil Collins
36. The Wild Boys, Duran Duran
37. You’re the Inspiration, Chicago
42. All I Need, Jack Wagner
45. Sussudio, Phil Collins
48. The Search Is Over, Survivor
55. If You Love Somebody Set Them Free, Sting
58. Material Girl, Madonna (polarizing; girls liked it. Guys compared it to jock itch)
72. No More Lonely Nights, Paul McCartney (Sir Paul has left the building)
73. I Can’t Hold Back, Survivor
77. Too Late for Goodbyes, Julian Lennon
Somehow, 1986 manages to ring the putrid bell even higher. Remember, these were not the duds; these were the HITS:
1.That’s What Friends Are For, Dionne Warwick, Elton John, and Gladys Knight
2. Say You, Say Me, Lionel Richie
5. Broken Wings, Mr. Mister (possibly the worst band of all time)
7. Party All The Time, Eddie Murphy
8. Burning Heart, Survivor
9. Kyrie, Mr. Mister
14. Glory of Love, Peter Cetera
40. Conga, Miami Sound Machine
42. Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins
43. What Have You Done for Me Lately, Janet Jackson (as mentioned earlier, the Yuni Betancourt of songs)
58. Nasty, Janet Jackson
79. Bad Boy, Miami Sound Machine
83. A Love Bizarre, Sheila E.
92. Spies Like Us, Paul McCartney
When people ask “how could a band like Warrant have become popular?” simply show them this list. When GNR and finally Nirvana eventually broke through, the streets were somewhat washed clean.
(BTW, I actually LIKE cheesy pop records. But this was the musical nadir of the 20th century).
“We Built This City” is quite easily the worst record ever made. It is awful on a number of levels. First, there is no melody; the instrumental arrangement sounds like a bad takeoff of random Q*bert sounds. Second, the production is as antiseptic as any mid-80s overcompressed record. Third, and to my ears, worst of all, are the lyrics. They require historical context.
Starship — not Jefferson Airplane or even Jefferson Starship — by 1985 had one member of the Airplane (Grace Slick) as the rest of the band that had performed Volunteers had departed. Legal action by Paul Kantner had stripped “Jefferson” from the band before the record came out. Anyway, this neutered band then writes this celebratory history of San Francisco rock that sounds like a wimpy video came and critiques corporations for playing “corporation games.” This, from Starship, a band behaving like a corporation trading on a name with little relation to that name’s heritage. The song was both awful and hypocritical. It was also the #1 song in America in the summer of 1985.
Some songs are bad because of production or arrangement decisions. You can tell those songs when they get salvaged by a good performer. Cher’s “Believe” was referenced in this thread; I have heard the country singer Robbie Fulks do a very effective acoustic reading of it, and the lyrics are coherent. “We Built This City” cannot be salvaged; it is toxic to its core. It is the dioxin of pop music.
Garrett,
If I found a double-disc, reasonably priced CD of your lists, I think I would buy it. Maybe I just can’t help liking songs that came out when I was 14 or 15. I mean, as much fun as 80’s tunes are to make fun of, does anyone really change the station when “The Heat Is On” or “Burning Heart” come on?
Jason wrote: ” I mean, as much fun as 80’s tunes are to make fun of, does anyone really change the station when “The Heat Is On” or “Burning Heart” come on?”
I wouldn’t – but then again, I can’t remember a time in the last 15 years when either actually was played on the radio.
@Garrett – brilliant observation. That list is one of the most frightening musical collections I have ever seen – and I grew up in the 80s. I can only imagine that this is the playlist at Guantanamo.
I cannot speak for the far past but I am sure that the baseball gods were not happy with the 1985 travesty created by don denkinger on the royals behalf.
That and Hank Stram’s obnoxious arrogance (that isn’t only me, right?) are the best answers to what has been done to KC teams since that time.
Still isn’t worse than the Cubs though
As for music, well I do agree that the mid 80’s were a time of mostly bad music. But there is so much out there among the myriad of good ones that it is really hard to pick just one. The worst music I ever heard wasn’t a song per se but Disney’s “Small World” Well that or Lennon’s Revolution, I suppose.
I grew up with 80’s music but I can’t stomach anything on Garrett’s list of infamy. (Hairless Lisper, hahahahaha!)
After my game tonight we caught the ninth inning of Yanks/Royals. I immediately started going through the Farnsworth Facts all the BRs came up with. It made the inevitable collapse that much more entertaining. And after the walkoff by the rookie, I got to crack that it only counted towards his AAA stats, because it was Kyle Farnsworth.
Remember kids, the term for “blown save” in Japanese is “Kyle Farnsworth.”
Off topic, but I thought this Mike Blowers prediction in the Mariners’ “Picks to Click” segment was pretty REMARKABLE:
http://mynorthwest.com/?nid=374&sid=218287
Joe, we went ot the book event last night but had to leave before we could say hello. The talk was great, very entertaining stories. I have to give you credit for wearing the snuggie, I didn’t think you would do it. You definitely looked like some religious figure when you walked out of the back room. I think the non-blog readers were very confused. Anyway, thanks for a fun evening!
Hoorah! to #43 Ben, for reporting first on the Snuggie? no? issue. My dreams were troubled, this having been left up in the air. (They were troubled both by JP’s possibly not wearing one, and especially if he did.) And Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey” is the worst song in this life, the next, and the one after that. And all the lives before, too.
As others have said, “We Built This City” comes from (nominally) one of the great bands of the 60’s, and one of the all time cool female singers. I think we have to apply your “expectations” scale that you use for movies. “Achy Break Heart” might be just as bad, in a vacuum. But, we never expected more from him. Starship gets bonus points for once being great. Ergo, “City” is the worst song, ever.
Pictures! Of Joe in the Snuggie!
Oh, and to Jason, maybe I’m just old, but I hate “The Heat is On” with a white hot passion. I couldn’t change the station fast enough. But I do have a soft spot for absolutely anything by Queen and Heart. And for Queen of Hearts by Juice Newton, for that matter.
Joe w/Snuggie photos, PLEASE!!!
Every decade has BAD music just like there are terrible teams in sports. If the Pirates were a band they couldn’t draw flies to a day-old picnic nowadays.
Now, the best decade for great music was the ’60s primarily because of Motown and a few long-haired groups from across the pond.
8. If you are old and you buy a new basketball goal for your driveway, do you REALLY have to set it at 10 feet? I mean, are you training for the NBA?
You should definitely set the goal at 10 feet. Even at an older age, when you might not be playing full on games anymore, you never know when you’ll be in a game of horse where the ability to make shots on a regulation height goal will matter. How often are you going to be dunking on the hoop if you set it at 8 feet? Not that often, I bet.
Carl (#36), interesting background on the Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Starship situation.
Another bad one was “Kokomo,” also written by about 17 people who had been around since the ’60s.
Those two songs could have been part of an effective “this is your brain after two decades of drugs” campaign.
“Worst song” is obviously a subjective thing based on idiosyncratic tastes.
That being said, there is to my mind only one clear choice for the worst song ever recorded in the English language. And Spanish as well.
Here’s some evidence (and keep in mind, these lyrics are probably *better* than the rythym, the rapping, the singing, etc.)
*********************************
I don’t drink or smoke, ain’t into dope,
Won’t try no coke, you ask me how do I do when I cope
My only addiction has to do with the female species
I eat ‘em raw like sushi
**********************************
So again don’t let my lyrics mislead you
I don’t love you but I need you
Would you rather have me lie?
Take a piece of your pie and say bye,
Or be honest and rub your thighs?
**********************************
Well, it’s ten o’clock and I’m two hours late
I never said I was a prompt date
But you kept persisting that I meet your parents
Hah, they’re going to love my appearance!
*************************************
I’m used to good ol’ fashioned
Homestyle Spanish cooking
If I try that I’ll be puking
Well it’s been a pleasure but we got to go
Regresaremos temprano
************************************
There is bad, there is worse, and there is “Rico Suave.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYlkYkHkZxs
I knew the lyrics were bad, but wow. These are baddDDDD.
Hell, while we’re at it….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swo51-CG9Ss&feature=related
Joe,
I’d like to go off-topic for a moment and ask for the backstory on something. On page 31 of The Machine, you wrote “The Reds were close to trading Doggie (Tony Perez) to Kansas City for George Brett, only the Royals chickened out.”
I know the Royals some essential parts of those ’70s teams from other squads – Amos Otis from the Mets and Hal McRae from the Reds, for example. What is the story with the Perez-Brett near-trade?
Thanks.
Rico Suave definitely is high on the list and yesterday I heard a “classic” that is also higher on any objective (or subjective) bad song lists than “We Built This City.”
“I want you to want me”
I mean seriously, this is a package deal – clearly a barrel of monkeys typed until the wrote an actual line and then some brain dead human extended it:
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I love you to love me
Im begging you to beg me. YIKES!
Then they used the same monkeys on the piano and just repeated the first pseudo melody the monkeys came up with over and over and over and over
And over. Sooooo bad
But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.
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