You might be a Royal
Posted: September 13th, 2009 | Filed under: Baseball | 47 Comments »
A friend of mine forwarded me the following list … or something like it. I made a few changes, but it’s more or less intact. It’s amazing how the more things change with the Royals, the more things don’t change at all.
– If you believe that the main reason your team isn’t contending is because of first base defense … you might be a Royal.
– If you push your left fielder as a Gold Glove candidate … you might be a Royal.
– If you keep insisting that your shortstop is great defensively despite all existing evidence against it … you might be a Royal.
– If you keep signing mediocre and middle-aged right-handed middle relievers for too much money … you might be a Royal.
– If you keep sticking with your losing manager because he’s “loyal” and “works hard” … you might be a Royal.
– If you have to keep convincing people that your prospects are great despite their unimpressive minor league numbers … you might be a Royal.
– If you keep talking about how important “good character” is and then bring guys who don’t have it … you might be a Royal.
– If you keep talking about how important plate discipline is and then sign guys who don’t have it … you might be a Royal.
– If you build an offense without speed, power, average or the ability to walk .. you might be a Royal.
– If you keep drafting Scott Boras clients you can afford while passing on Scott Boras clients you can’t afford … you might be a Royal.
– If your idea of change is switching pitching coaching, hitting coaches and bench coaches … you might be a Royal.
– If you think “The future” is a plan rather than an inevitability … you might be a Royal.
Loading ...
Circle me, Yuni.
If you think a five-game win streak in September which pushes the record up to twenty-nine games under .500 is a sure harbinger of better years ahead….
If you managed to employ Ryan Freel, Tony Pena Jr., Josh Anderson, Horacio Ramirez, Sidney Ponson and Bruce Chen all in the same year…
or…
If your potential catcher-of-the-future auditions for the job by DH’ing – occassionally – you might be a Royal.
If you feel darned sure that leading the league in triples makes you the most exciting club in Major League Baseball….
If you use your best reliever for more than one inning, then don’t in situations that CRY for it and declare an I-won’t-use-him-for-more-than-one-inning dogma, then do use him for more than one inning in less critical situations a few weeks later……
You let your 11 million dollar a year pitcher throw 120 pitches 2 days after complaining of a dead arm when you’ve been out of the playoff race for 2 months
If you pinch hit tpj for luis hernandez…
If you believe the owner will re-sign the best pitcher in the league & build around him instead of trading him because he’ll command too much money then…..
If the mere mention of the year 2003 produces an erection….
If you are an aging free agent who needs one more big contract before you body starts breaking down beginning in April of next year, you might be a future Royal
If the phrase “improved to 4-13 in the deciding game of a three-game series” causes you to try to get ahold of Dayton Moore and take it all back….
If you think injuries to a couple of below average major leaguers caused your team to go from contenders to the worst team in the league…
If your team plays sub-.500 baseball while the best pitcher on the planet is on the mound…
If one of your starting pitchers finds out from other teams’ scouts that he is tipping pitches, but his own team didn’t catch on…
If you click on a series of team-oriented blogs and their last entry is headlined “I’m done”….
If you think your team needs to work on its situational hitting when no one ever gets on base…
I don’t know that the Royals have done sooo bad in the character department. After all, they did trade Ambiorix Burgos for Brian Bannister. They must get a point or two for that one.
If you trot out a character reference for your #3 starter and don’t mention his 4.73 ERA….
If you cost the best pitcher in baseball a Cy Young award… you’re definitely a Royal.
If you give Sidney Ponson nine starts…
If you’re able to turn one of the best young outfields in all of baseball into Angel Berroa, Neifi Perez, and Mark Teahan…
If you have 3 of the best young outfielders in baseball and a great young DH, and decide to sign the DH to a long-term contract while letting go of the outfielders…
If you’re able to end the season with a 3 game sweep of a division champion to snatch the number 2 pick of next year’s draft out of the grip of being number 1…
If you could’ve drafted Tim Lincecum, but took Luke Hochevar…
You really could do this all night.
If you are a small market team and have Bill James, Rob Neyer, Rany J, and Joe Poz all amongst your legion of fans/writers and still seem to carry an open disdain of statistical analysis to help evaluate and develop an organization…
If $5 bills make you think of 3rd base and 1985…
…When your fanbase has been indoctrinated to answer text polls saying that:
1. Willie Bloomquist is the most valuable ex-Mariner on the Royals.
2. David DeJesus is the best outfielder the Royals have had in the last ten years.
…when you have one pitcher who will have enough innings to qualify for the ERA title at the end of the year.
…your number one starter has the worst run support in the league.
If a pitcher bouncing a throw to second 8 feet to the left of the fielder isnt your clubs biggest head-scratcher of the day…
.
If your shortstop has a better chance of making next years All-Star game as a pitcher…
If you’re “only a SP and a CF” away…
If you can’t field, hit, run, throw, or walk….
If all of the above are true, and you are not a Royal, send Dayton your resume and…..
If your religion frowns on hitting the cut-off man….
I counted six items that apply to the Indians.
Joe, I think your list should read “Dayton Moore” instead of “a Royal”.
This is fun. Let’s continue..
If your manager rides a uni-cycle through the clubhouse then….
If your manager grows rodents on his face with the frequency of his lineup changes then….
If your proposal for next year’s team catchphrase is, “Good God, They Can’t Be THAT Bad Again, Kansas City!”….
Instead of reminding me of Jeff Foxworthy, this reminds me of the old Weekend Update sketch where David Spade would come on as Jeff Foxworthy and do bits like:
“If you look around you and are surrounded by flying debris, housing, and lawn furniture…then you might be a tornado”
and:
“If for tax reporting purposes, you list your residence as, ‘The Blood Stream of the African Zuzu Monkey,’…then you might be the Ebola Virus”
Pretty much the last funny thing that David Spade ever did…
If you’re in the same age range as Jeff Foxworthy and David Spade and your skill-sets have similarly diminished….
If you have trouble acknowledging your team’s history after 1985, …
If you’re starting to understand the Chicago Cubs futility, …
If you actually, and sadly, understand how Betancourt really is an improvement over what you had before, …
- TL
If your 11 million dollar “ace” ends the season with 6 wins………
If the “new K” is mostly empty on a beautiful night……..
If you blame a loss on a seagull……..
If your September call-ups are players even Royals fans have never heard of………
If your team has been outscored by more runs than any other team in baseball…
If you miss the Kansas City A’s…
If you have no idea what you’re talking about, but continuously post the same sh!t about the bad plays the team you’re paid to follow has made the last couple of years — over and over (and over…and over…)– because you think it makes you hilarious…you might be Joe Slownanski..
If you’re an anonymous poster ridiculing a guy who has risen to the top of his profession, you might be Joe Blow.
Man, it is just horrendous how many of these points are true…
[...with a tip o' the Kangol to #38]
If the name “Charles O. Finley” brings back memories of consistency and level headedness in ownership (even with the sheep grazing on the knoll above right field)….
Ditto Unknown Commentator #40. And #39, you forgot the “s” after your fake last name. – TL
If your general manager is so thin-skinned that he initially tries to blackball a blogger/talk-radio host who understands and persuasively applies sabermetrics, and who is actually trying to HELP the team, …….
If you’re labeled as a speedster but yet can’t lay down a sacrifice bunt….
If you have to use the word “if” 25 times in order to convey your team’s chances of finishing .500….
If you find a way to miss on even can’t miss prospects…
If Detroit Lions fans feel sorry for you…