3361 Words About The Royals

Posted: August 28th, 2009 | Filed under: Baseball, Pop Culture | 81 Comments »

Well, I promised to tell you why this is the worst Royals team I have ever seen. Here is way more than you could ever want to read on that very subject.

If you want to be technical about it, the worst movie I have ever seen was probably a 3-D horror movie called Parasite (1982). I have very little recollection of the movie. In fact, I just went to the IMDB site to look it up … apparently it was Demi Moore’s second movie. I don’t remember Demi Moore in it. I don’t remember much of anything about it except:

– It sucked.
– The acting sucked.
– The special effects sucked.
– The 3-D effects sucked.
– The sound effects sucked — mostly the sound of bacon sizzling.
– It was incredibly disgusting — but not in a good way (if disgusting can be good). More in a blurry, “I know I’m supposed to be grossed out but I’m not entirely sure why” sort of way. So that sucked* too.

*I am using the word “sucked” a lot because the other day my daughter came home from the school the other and announced that she heard on the bus that a certain team sucked. I gave her a short Daddy lecture how she should never use that word, not even when describing Neifi Perez. So it’s kind of in my head now, which sucks.

So, if you grade movies on a point-by-point basis, Parasite would probably be the worst movie I’ve ever seen — or anyway, right there with Loose Shoes or The Postman or Hudson Hawk or any number of other horrendous movies that I full expected to be horrendous. But this is not how I rate movies, and I don’t suspect this is how most people rate movies. Expectations play into it. When I was almost physically forced to see Parasite (it was part of a birthday party) I was fully aware that it was a 3-D movie about a parasite. I really wasn’t expecting Sir Laurence Olivier to come out of the guy’s stomach and perform King Lear.

Now — the movie “Toys” is a whole other thing. I don’t know if Toys is the WORST movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s in the conversation. Here was a movie written and directed by Barry Levinson — the guy behind Diner and The Natural and and Wag the Dog and even Rain Man, which I don’t think was a great movie but certainly was enjoyable enough. It had Robin Williams — and this was when Robin Williams still was considered funny before I appreciated that he had traded career purposes with Robin DeNiro without trading actual talent . This had Jack Warden (one of my all-time favorite character actors) and Joan Cusack and Robin Wright Penn and Jamie Foxx. This had a big budget and a quirky purpose and …

… and “sucked” does not begin to describe how bad Toys was for me. I’m not saying that if you liked Toys, you are wrong. I’m saying that if you liked Toys, you can write all about that on your blog. Because the official stance on this blog is that Toys was so bad that when it ended I wanted a refund AND general damages in the amount of $1.7 million for pain and suffering. I thought Toys was so bad that everyone in it should have had to serve a six month movie suspension. I thought Toys was so bad that after it was made we should have come up with a new and better word for, you know, toys.

So, to me, Toys wasn’t just a worse movie than Parasite, it was INFINITELY worse than Parasite. And the reason probably can be expressed mathematically in my Movie Plus/Minus Formula.

Parasite
Expectation: 0.
Reality: 0.
Plus/Minus: 0

Toys
Expectation: 2.5
Reality: 0
Plus/Minus: minus-2.5

All of which finally brings us around to the 2009 Kansas City Royals. Since I came to Kansas City in 1996, there have been four Royals teams that lost 100 games. In fact, since the Royals started as a franchise in 1969, there have been four Royals teams that lost 100 games. I would probably rank those four teams like so:

Worst Royals team: The 2005 Royals. They lost 106 games. They were outscored by 234 runs. They had a manager leave in the middle of the year (not coincidentally, just as he was about to be called in a divorce case). That team lost 19 games in a row. That team lost a game when an outfielder named Chip Ambres dropped a fly ball with two outs in the ninth inning, In another game, Ambres and fellow outfielder Terrence Long jogged in toward the dugout together while a fly ball landed behind them. Zack Greinke went 5-17 with a 5.80 ERA and lost any and all joy for the game — the next spring he would walk away from baseball for a few weeks. That’s OK, he wasn’t even close to the worst starter on the team — that would have been Jose Lima with the 5-16 record and almost impossible to believe 6.99 ERA. That team’s pitching staff — the WHOLE STAFF — had a 79 ERA+. How bad is that? This year the only regular starter in the American League with an ERA+ of 79 or less this year is Francisco Liriano.

Second-worst: 2004 Royals. Lost 104 games. Were outscored by 185 runs — they played six games worse than the pythagorean expectation. The Royals had contended in 2003 and fully expected to contend again in 2004 and then won a dramatic game on Opening Day. After that, more or less nothing went right. Tony Pena tried to inspire the troops by jumping in the shower with his clothes on. The Royals started a complete stranger named Eduardo Villacis at Yankee Stadium for reasons that are still unclear — he never threw another pitch in the big leagues. The Royals traded Carlos Beltran for an uninspiring package of players and then watched Beltran to go on to have one of the greatest postseasons in baseball history. Ken Harvey was the team’s All-Star — he played 12 games in the big leagues after 2004. And so on.

Third-worst: 2006 Royals. Lost 100 games. Were outscored by 214 runs. Mark Redman was the team’s All-Star. Kerry Robinson climbed the wall while a ground rule double bounced 10 feet in front of him. Esteban German forgot his sunglasses and got hit in the face with a fly ball — on the team plane on the way home he did wear sunglasses. Allard Baird was left dangling for two months, then finally fired, then Dayton Moore was hired but not in time to lead the 2006 draft — so officially the Royals did not have a general manager for the 2006 Draft. And, of course, they had the No. 1 overall pick in the draft that year. Hello Luke Hochevar. Goodbye Tim Lincecum, Evan Longoria and Clayton Kershaw (and, to be fair, Andrew Miller who was the consensus No. 1 choice and isn’t pitching any better than Hochevar).

Fourth-worst: 2002 Royals. Lost 100 games. Were outscored by 154 runs. Had good players on this team — Carlos Beltran … Raul Ibanez … Mike Sweeney almost won the batting title. Paul Byrd won 17 games. So how does that team lose 100? Well, not to blame it all on Neifi Perez — but it might have been entirely because of Neifi Perez. He had one of the worst seasons for an everyday player in the history of baseball. No joke. His 44 OPS+ is second worst in baseball history for anyone who got 575 or more plate appearances in a season. His UZR at shortstop was minus-11.3 which is, um, brutal. He was caught stealing more often than he was successful (9 CS to 8 steals). And at some point in the year he refused to go into a game — and then said he was “joking.” I’m not saying that Neifi Perez singlehandedly made that team awful — that was, after all, the same year that manager Tony Muser was fired and he found out from reporters at the hotel — but I am saying that Neifi had powers of destruction that mere mortals can only dream about.

I closely followed those four teams — and yes, I still have scars. I remember very clearly the comedy that surrounded those teams. I remember the suffocating hopelessness of those teams. I remember Juan Gonzalez. I remember Darrell May (and his famous complaint that he couldn’t even get no-decisions). I remember the time the Royals players had a smiley-face chart for Tony Muser — when Muser smiled on a spring training day, they would give him a little smiley face. I remember Buddy Bell’s now famous “It can always get worse” mantra.

This Royals team — from a pure baseball perspective — is probably not as bad as either the 2004 or 2005 team, and might not be as bad as 2006 either. They still have a chance to avoid 100 losses — they have to go 14-21, .400 baseball, which (you would think) is not impossible, though it is a touch better than they have played so far this year and way better than they have been playing since early May. They have a great pitcher in Zack Greinke*, a terrific closer in Joakim Soria and a young hitter, Billy Butler, who is coming into his own. They have other players who you probably can expect to be right around league average or (on their good days) even better — Gil Meche, David DeJesus, Mark Teahen, Alberto Callaspo (as a hitter), Brian Bannister.

*A few people have written in about the Greinke post to complain that I was saying that Greinke would be the best pitcher in baseball if he played for a better team and I’m just imagining things and so on. I’m surprised anyone could have pulled that conclusion from the post but I’ll just be clear about it. I’m not saying that Greinke could be the best pitcher in baseball if he played for a better team. I’m saying is that GREINKE IS THE BEST PITCHER IN BASEBALL and it’s easy to miss because of context (he plays for a lousy team in the tougher league). It’s going to be very interesting to see how the Cy Young voters go because right now I think it’s pretty clear that Greinke and Felix Hernandez are the two best pitchers in the league, and both pitch for terrible offensive teams. How much have we as a society learned about the context of wins?

So, how can this team be the worst Royals team ever. After all, compare those eight players with the eight closest comps of the 2005 team …

Dominant Zack Greinke vs. 5-17, troubled Zack Greinke.
Joakim Soria vs. Mike MacDougal*
Billy Butler vs. Justin Huber? No good comparison here.
Gil Meche vs. Jose Lima
David DeJesus vs. Younger David DeJesus who couldn’t stay healthy
Mark Teahen vs. Younger Mark Teahen who would be sent to Class AAA the next year
Alberto Callaspo vs. Ruben Gotay
Brian Bannister vs. Runelvys Hernandez.

*Mike MacDougal has 14 saves and a 1.98 ERA for the Washington Nationals. Ryan Franklin has 34 saves and a 1.07 ERA for the Cardinals. Trevor Hoffman at age 348 has 27 saves and a 1.85 ERA for Milwaukee. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if I’m wrong I hope the Good Lord brings me back as a National League reliever.

So, man-for-man the 2005 team was worse than this team. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. This is why I took you through that bizarre early bit about movies. Maybe the 2009 team would take a seven game series from the 2005 team (though I would fully expect it to go seven games). But my expectations are a lot different in 2009. This team is spending a lot more money. This team has a dominant starter. This team has was carefully put together to succeed (unlike 2005 when, let’s just be honest, they were throwing stuff at walls). The team has a manager who was imported from Japan almost exclusively to make the Royals better fundamentally.

And … this team is the worst I have ever seen at doing the necessary things to win baseball games. I did a little study to try and come up with the most underachieving terrible team in the last 20 or so years — and there’s absolutely no question that team is: The 1993 New York Mets. No other team is even close. That Mets team lost 103 games — and they probably should not have lost 90. That Mets team hit more triples and more homers than their opponents and — this is actually quite incredible — they drew more walks than their opponents. That might not sound incredible for a 100-loss team, but it really is. Take a look at a few other 100-loss teams:

Seattle, 2008: -209
Kansas CIty, 2006: -163
Tampa Bay, 2006: -165
Kansas CIty, 2005: -156
Kansas City, 2004: -57
Arizona, 2004: -227
Detroit, 2003: -114
Milwaukee, 2002: -166
Kansas City, 2002: -48
Tampa Bay, 2002: -164
Detroit, 2002: -100
Pittsburgh, 2001: -82
Tampa Bay, 2001: -113
Florida, 1998: -190
Detroit, 1996: -238
New York Mets, 1993: PLUS-14
San Diego, 1993: -115
Cleveland, 1987: -117
Pittsburgh, 1985: -70
Atlanta, 1977: -164

I just started going selectively after a while … maybe there’s another 100 loss team that drew more walks than allowed, but I haven’t found them yet. Anyway, you get the point. That Mets team had several good players — Eddie Murray was still serviceable then, Bobby Bonilla slugged 34 homers, Jeff Kent was 25 and ascending, the pitching staff was about league average. But they were TERRIBLE. They were only outscored by 72 runs — their pythagorean expectation was 89 losses just based on that. But they lost close games — they went 19-35 in one-run games. They were managed most of the year by Dallas Green. They were preposterously slow even while leading off Vince Coleman most of the year. They were preposterously bad at getting on base — well, they had Vince Coleman leading off most of the year. The bullpen was a wreck and Anthony Young went 1-16 despite a league average ERA and …

This will sound awkward but it seems to me that while there have been worse baseball teams over the last 25 years than the 1993 Mets, I’m not sure there has been a team worse at PLAYING BASEBALL than the 1993 Mets.

Which brings us to the 2009 Kansas City Royals. It would not be fair to say the Royals are underachieving the way those Mets did — this Royals team is bad by conventional measures too. They are on pace pace to draw 100-plus fewer walks, hit 40 or so fewer homers, crack 100 or so fewer hits.

But this Royals team reminds me of that 1993 Mets team in this way — they are not without talent. But they will do what’s necessary to lose games. The 2005 Royals went out there every day knowing that the team across the dugout was better than they were. These Royals, on the other hand, are bad when Zack Greinke’s pitching. They are also bad when they score five runs in a game (4-10 record in those games if you can believe that). They don’t SCORE five runs in a game very often … but they still find ways to lose when they do.

I don’t know if this is crazy unusual — probably not for a bad team — but the Royals have a losing record after EVERY SINGLE INNING (except extras). And not just a losing record — a SUBSTANTIAL losing record after every one of the first nine innings.

From Bill James’ Innings ahead/behind (not including ties)

First inning: 25-34.
Second inning: 36-49
Third inning: 45-54
Fourth inning: 46-60
Fifth inning: 54-59
Sixth inning: 50-61
Seventh inning: 49-67
Eighth inning: 41-75
Ninth inning: 44-76

They are bad early, late and everything in between. And that’s what makes them the worst Royals team I’ve ever seen. They do absolutely nothing well. Nothing. They don’t hit for average (13th in league), they don’t hit for power (13th in slugging), they don’t walk (13th in walks) and they can’t run (14th in stolen bases). They can’t get outs (4.80 ERA), and they don’t throw strikes (10th in walks despite Greinke being one of the best control pitchers in the game and Bannister being a solid control guy), they are so desperate to get games to their closer that they have gone against Trey Hillman’s stated philosophy and have started asking Soria to pitch two innings.

Also: They are the worst defensive team in the league by almost any measurement you can come up with (59 unearned runs is the most in the league, the Dewan “Runs Saved” chart also shows them with minus-59 runs, worst in the league, Baseball Prospectus shows them to have the lowest defensive efficiency in the game … and so on). They are measurably the worst base-running team in the world — minus-88 bases according to the Bill James chart. They are dead last in sacrifice flies, which may not mean a whole lot but it’s impossible to watch a team regularly that cannot get a runner home from third.

They are also — and I admit this is an unofficial stat but I’m pretty confident about it — the league leader in times a player forgot the number of outs. The other day, catcher Miguel Olivo ran off the field with two outs which was staggering not because it was unusual (it has to be the third time this year Olivo has forgotten the number of outs) but because only two batters had come to the plate. It wasn’t like it was a long inning or something.

I’ll give you an example of what is has been like watching the Royals … and this is one that ended up not even costing the Royals anything. The other day David DeJesus (who until the last couple of years was an excellent baserunner — not fast, but really a good baserunner) singled to lead off the game. Two batters later, with a 3-2 count, Billy Butler lined a single to left-center. I mention the 3-2 count because DeJesus could have been running on the pitch, and he certainly should have gotten a good jump. He did not, and he stopped at second. I had to rub my eyes. How could he not have gotten to third on that? The next batter, Miguel Olivo, blooped a single to right. It seemed clear from the crowd angle that it would drop … but again DeJesus got a bad jump. And he ended up on a third.

DeJesus would finally score on a sac fly. But that is what it’s like watching the Royals … even when they score runs it’s painful. They don’t go first to third. They don’t go second to home. They need two hits and a sac fly to get their leadoff man home from first. The Royals lost the game 4-2 and there was so little energy in their effort that, as a football coach used to tell me, “If you could harness all that energy you wouldn’t have enough to start a flea motorcycle.”

That’s why they’re the worst Royals team I’ve ever seen. The Royals are bad at the big things — but there have been lots of Royals teams who were even worse at the big things. I’ve never seen a Royals team as bad at the little things. And even though I think all the talk about “doing the little things right” can get tedious — this team’s inability to do those things makes them just about unwatchable. I came up with a fairly extensive chart showing this … but really at this point this is way past overkill.

In a previous post, I suggested that there’s actually good news in all this … and I think there could be some. As mentioned, the Royals are not without some talent. They have the pitcher you would want to start a rotation. They have a closer and a good young middle-of-the-order hitter and a few other good pieces. I think if Dayton Moore and David Glass and others are brutally honest with themselves about what has really happened this year — and not blame it on bad luck or injuries or any of that — then they will make the hard changes necessary. And everyone might be surprised how quickly things can turn. I won’t go into the changes — you can make make up your own mind about that.

Of course, if the Royals just make a few superficial changes and hope that the mistakes they made will still turn out OK … well, that’s why I’m saying this: This is the worst Royals team I’ve ever seen. And that’s a long way down.


81 Comments on “3361 Words About The Royals”

  1. 1: PWHjort said at 10:46 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Josh Anderson’s double misplay is a metaphor for this season.

  2. 2: Jacob said at 10:57 am on August 28th, 2009:

    This si so incredibly depressing because it’s so true. And also because it’s so clear that Moore and co. are unlikely to make the big, hard changes.

  3. 3: Laid Off Too said at 11:01 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Joe, you had me laughing from start to finish! I’m sure this post worked better for you than a stress ball. Of course my Royals memories are of Brett, Wilson, White and company. I’m glad I’m not exposed to this current crew regularly. However, I love reading your accounts of them. Many thanks.

  4. 4: John said at 11:08 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Loved the article, but….

    I doubt Jamie Foxx played into expectations for “Toys,” as it was his first movie credit. LL Cool J, maybe.

  5. 5: Bryan Adams said at 11:10 am on August 28th, 2009:

    This was just really fun to read. Perhaps not coincidentally, I am not a Royals fan.

  6. 6: Bob said at 11:11 am on August 28th, 2009:

    A few years ago, the Mets had managed to get into the playoff race in August. I think it was 2001… and you can’t even imagine what it was like heading to Shea later that month… but it isn’t worth confirming the details right now.

    The thing is… they made a run to get into contention… I got some late season tickets… for the final day to be exact… and the team crumbled and wasn’t in it by the time the day arrived. We still went. Piazza had reached .300 for the year the day before… he sat. And, in fact, the players taking the field that day resembled a single-A club. No one you would know… and no one you ever would see again. Even with an expanded September roster, it should have been impossible to put this anonymous a group on the field.

    This article, and some of the stories involved, makes me wonder about “playing out the string”… those games when the team simply doesn’t care. (And, to a degree, you wonder if the fans can keep caring either.)

    Side idea… Joe, when finish with 09/09/09 duties, you should consider a book about crazy stories from the field. Your knack for delivering them… and your history for having seen them… would be a great combination.

  7. 7: Kyle Richardson (Fargo) said at 11:17 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Buck Showalter?

    And, not to nitpick, but seriously, being outscored only 54-59 in the fifth inning isn’t really “SUBSTANTIAL”, Joe…

    **Slowly trying to slice my wrists with two butter knives and a spoon…**

  8. 8: Ant Bham said at 11:20 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Olivier: Lawrence = Laurence. Which, yes, sucks. Just call him a familiar “Sir Larry.” Still laughing too hard at the great first eight ‘grafs here to read the Royals stuff yet. Ouch, my funny ribs.

  9. 9: David Pinto said at 11:20 am on August 28th, 2009:

    I won a nice steak dinner from John Dewan due to the 1993 Mets. I was working for STATS, Inc. at the time, mostly from my home on the east coast, but I was in Chicago after the expansion draft. Since STATS was small at the time, we all went out to lunch together for Chicago hot dogs, and were talking about the draft. I liked the way the Marlins drafted, and said I thought Florida might not finish last in the NL East in 1993. John immediately challenged me, asking which team could finish below the Marlins. My original thought was that it might be the Cubs or Mets, but I just blurted out, “the Mets.” John then went over the two teams position by position, showing me how wrong I was, then challenged me to bet on the outcome. Since I don’t like to gamble money, I agreed the loser would buy the other a steak dinner.

    It really was a gut feeling about the Mets being a dysfunctional team, which they Joe so ably shows above. By the end of June, the Marlins held a 10 1/2 game lead on the Mets and held on ’til the end of the season. John took me out for a very delicious steak at Morton’s that November.

  10. 10: Mike Williams said at 11:21 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Joe, you left out last in # of wild pitches + passed balls allowed.

    Good article; most frightening part is at the end – because Moore and Glass most likely will NOT be brutally honest with themselves. Hell, Moore has already played the injury card in several interviews, and had the temerity to suggest that the 18-11 start was more representative than the (now) 31-67 follow up record.

  11. 11: Ryan said at 11:23 am on August 28th, 2009:

    I still don’t how any GM with common sense thinks it was a good idea to sign Kyle Farnsworth this off season. It’s not like it was a trade that didn’t pan out, because the player you got got hurt or didn’t live up to expectations. You knew exactly what you were getting in Kyle Farnsworth, and he’s performed and whined exactly how you thought he would. It was the tipping point for the off-season, seasons, and perhaps GMDM’s reign….well that and drafting Hosmer when there were perfectly good college players available that would have been able to help out the Royals much sooner.

  12. 12: Josh in DC said at 11:26 am on August 28th, 2009:

    This is a great piece, but I think when you watch a team closely, you see how often it is that the players forget how many outs there are. (On the other hand, a CATCHER forgetting is a unique skill, particularly under those circumstances.) (I’m still laughing about it.)

    Probably once a month or more, I watch a game and think, “That guy thought that was the third out.” As a fan, you just hope there’s no one on base when it happens to your team.

  13. 13: The Worst Teams said at 11:36 am on August 28th, 2009:

    [...] Posnanski lays out his reasons for thinking this is the worst Royals team he’s seen, despite the fact they likely won’t finish with the worst record. It’s a matter of expecation [...]

  14. 14: Still True Blue said at 11:46 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Meet Joe Black was the worst movie I have ever seen.

  15. 15: Greg said at 11:49 am on August 28th, 2009:

    Eduardo Villacis.

    That is all.

  16. 16: stpat said at 11:52 am on August 28th, 2009:

    There’s some raw talent on this team but like so many Royals teams before it, the players are all too often rushed to the big leagues before the minor league coaches can hone their abilities. As good as Butler has played thus far (offensively), on a real baseball organization, he would still be in the minors working on his defensive abilities and trying to become a serviceable 1st baseman. He’s coming along but he should not be learning on the job at the MLB level. DeJesus is a another example of this. He was rushed up when the organization knew that it wasn’t going to keep Beltran & Ibanez. He’s never progressed into the player they hoped and that is precisely due to the tutoring he missed in the minors. He’s in his 6th year and still plays like a rookie many times. The coaches at the major league level don’t TEACH the players. That’s not their job. They manage them and help them work through slumps. They tweak tendencies and make adjustments. The Royals’ problem has always been that they do things bass-ackwards. The minors are for teaching, practicing and cultivating. The majors are for performance, not learning on the job. Alex Gordon (25) is the latest example of a player that may have been ruined by this organization bringing him up before he was able to cope (aka hit/layoff an offspeed pitch).

    The fact that they hired Hillman to TEACH major leaguers fundamentals at the major league level should concern many Royals fans. It indicates that this organization has not changed its philosophy on when and how to bring up the kids.

    This is a major league problem that will continue to haunt this franchise.

  17. 17: Chris (St. Louis native but a Royals fan) said at 11:53 am on August 28th, 2009:

    You know what makes this sad but true story oh so painful (and you didn’t mention it) is that the Royals haven’t realized the “new stadium miracle” push that so many teams seem to get. Perennial doormats seem to improve almost magically when they get a new stadium (Cleveland with The Jake), or decent teams win a series (St. Louis – New Busch). What do we get? Deals for Yuni “Feet of Stone” Betancourt that are justified by the GM saying “well, he comes highly recommended by our journeyman utility player!”. What a joke. I really wonder what other GMs and players think about the competency of our management and manager. If you were a “good” player, would you even consider coming here? I’m still amazed Grienke signed the deal he did…

  18. 18: Bellwether Johnson said at 12:18 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Back in 1994, I was 12 years-old and my Dad renewed his Sports Illustrated subscription. Along with their fabulous Swimsuit Issue, the renewal came with the special offer “Year in Sports 1993,” VHS which, being 12 years-old, I promptly watched about a half-dozen thousand times and burned a hole right thru.

    It was a great program featuring the first Bills/Boys Super Bowl, Paxon’s shot to lock up the first Three-Peat, and the Joe Carter home run.

    It also featured the year in bloopers called, I remember, “Dubious Achievements.” It was pretty much a Jose Canseco highlight reel; Jose throwing his arm out pitching, Jose forgetting the number of outs in an inning (Olivoing??), Jose giving a soccer-style assist to a home run ball. All good times.

    But, the one Dubious Achievemnet that was said to stand above all involved the 1993 New York Mets. Why?? Because in the highlight they were celebrating like they had just won the world series. Why?? Because:

    Anthony Young’s ONE win in 1993 snapped the major league record for most consecutive losses by a pitcher: 27

    God Bless you AY…wherever you are…

  19. 19: Sweatpants said at 12:24 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    #15 Joe, I forgot about Meet Joe Black. Even though I was probably 18 when I saw it w/ 2 girls I likely pushed it to my subconscious like a child who witnessed his parents murder. It was that bad. Wasn’t there a sex scene that featured a full screen close-up of Brad Pitt’s straining face for what had to be 30-35 seconds. Awwwww…ohhh, God help me. Awwwgh…. I’ve got to go lay over the bowl for awhile.

  20. 20: Mark Daniel said at 12:30 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    There is some raw talent on the Royals this year. I can’t wait to see them in pinstripes in a few years.

  21. 21: Sean said at 12:30 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    This will surely get you banned, Joe. Excellent piece. This coming from a Tigers fan, who has seen some horrendously bad teams/players/years, as evidenced above. I feel your pain. My god that 1996 Tigers team was terrible.

  22. 22: JOHN said at 12:39 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Ordered The Machine –

    expectations vs reality

    E.T. – sucked

    Kentucky Fried Movie – laughed my ass off

  23. 23: devil_fingers said at 12:46 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Good piece, as always.

    I’ve always wondered why you haven’t written more about David DeJEsus. YOu should now taht 2005 was pretty probably his best year, despite the injuires. FanGraphs has him at 4.2 WAR, and that’s without adjusting for league or his (back then) good baserunning.

    This season, he’s probably having his best year since 2006, which has gone unnoticed given some baserunning gaffes (irritating, but his EqBRR numbers for advancements on hits show him to about average this season) and his horrible slump to start the season.

    Just worth noting, as he’s one of more underrated players in baseball, no matter how much people think he “smiles too much” or whatever morons who think he’s just a “4th outfielder on a good team” want to believe, or how badly the current front office tries to replace him with inferior players. He should be traded, of course, because whlie he has value, he’s at an age where he’s not going to be good when the Royals might have a chance to contend next…

    The last point, of course, is the key one: The players on the team overall are bad. But these aren’t inherited players. This is the team Dayton Moore wanted.We’ve seen enough: by far the most important change is for someone with the power to change it to realize the current front office is clueless about how to build and field a team in contemporary major league baseball, and needs to be replaced. It’s not really debatable at this point, except maybe by people who think Yuniesky Betancourt might be a good defender and stuff like that.

  24. 24: Shay said at 1:02 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Plus/Minus Expectations is hardly objective but very useful.

    Bringing together the discussion of the Royals and “The Machine,” Griffey, Jr. gave a great interview to a Cincinnati reporter about leaving the Reds and going to Seattle [http://cnati.com/cincinnati-reds/griffey-moves-past-hometown-00214/]. Who threw the monkeywrench into the Reds recent machine?

    [start]

    CTR: You got used to it, but you knew that whatever happened in Cincinnati, it was going to be your fault…
    KG: Oh yeah…

    CTR: Did you find it weird that it fell on Adam (Dunn), too, and that he was so vilified as well?
    KG: Was it weird? No. No. Because they were going to blame somebody. And somebody’s going to get to play, I was going to get it…

    CTR: You knew you were going to get it because you were expected to bring World Series titles to Cincinnati – Jim Bowden said that off the bat.
    KG: The problem that Cincinnati has is that they compare every team to the Big Red Machine and that team will never be duplicated. There will never be a team like that again. For anybody to think that’s going to happen in this day and age? It’s just never going to happen in Cincinnati. But that’s what they have to live on. I had a friend give me a hat, it said, ‘My dad played for the Big Red Machine, I’m the engineer of the little Red caboose.’ It was a bright red hat, too. In reality, that’s what it was. They said some things, that they were going to spend money, they were going to put a team around Barry Larkin and me. Then it was Barry’s fault and then Barry left and it was my fault. A couple of years ago, it became Ken and Adam’s fault.

    CTR: Now it’s Dusty’s …
    KG: It’s Dusty because you can’t blame anyone else.

    [end]

    Moore blames injuries, because he hasn’t reached the point of throwing his people off the train.

  25. 25: Red said at 1:07 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    I feel your pain, Joe. I have been an Angels fan since their inception. Good things sometimes take a long time to happen.

    The changes that have brought success to the club are obvious in the case of the Angels. It was new ownership and management. With this came a new attitude. It sure helped to have people in position who know the game of baseball too.

    Analyzing what is wrong with the Royals is only part of the equation. By far the easiest part. The hard part is what to do to correct it.

    A great blog post might be: If I were the owner/manager, this is what I would do.

  26. 26: Ward said at 1:13 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    “I gave her a short Daddy lecture how she should never use that word, not even when describing Neifi Perez.”

    Thank heavens for the glare screen on my monitor, so I just have to clean the Diet Mountain Dew off of that instead of the monitor itself, after reading this gem. :)

  27. 27: Worst. Season. Ever. « KC Monarchy said at 1:18 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    [...] Poz ran it down this morning, this team is bad in a lot of shocking new ways.  But, and this feels weird to write, but the [...]

  28. 28: sw3519 said at 1:22 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Funny stuff, Joe. You really should write a book compiling all the comedic moments of Royals baseball in the last decade because your recounting is golden. The Royals performance in one-run games is the worst in the AL and that’s pretty indicative of NOT doing the little things right (and having a poor manager–strategy makes a difference in close games IMO). And the movie plus-minus system is so true. The degree of enjoyment or disappointment is completely set by prior expectations.

    I do have to disagree with your putting Felix in the same boat as Zack. Felix plays in front of a +50 UZR defense and Zack plays in front of a -40 UZR defense, and the difference of their FIPs is much larger than of their ERAs. And as I posted in the Zack thread, while the Mariners don’t score enough runs to get Felix many wins, they at least score them in timely fashion to reduce his number of losses significantly, which is not the case for Zack. By WAR and FIP, Justin Verlander is the second best pitcher in the AL, and he’ll probably win the Cy Young because he has the strikeouts and the wins and the division leading team. If Zack doesn’t win it, I think Verlander is more worthy than Hernandez.

  29. 29: Tampa Mike said at 1:25 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Yea the payroll is up, but GMDM is spending it incredibly stupid. I thought he started out making some good moves, but lately they are all confusing. Is the payroll really up when you are spending all the money on Guillen, Farnsworth, Yabuta, Cruz, Jacobs, and Olivo. I mean seriously, think about how many high priced players are on the roster and playing worse then the ones they replaced. I want Gload, Nunez, and Ramirez back.

    I can’t begin to describe my disapointment in Hillman. He was supposed to teach the team fundamentals, which they obviously needed, but I think he has made them worse defensivly than they were before. No play is routine with them. The constant lineup changes drive me absolutely crazy.

  30. 30: Gavin said at 1:41 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Real reason Poz’s daughter learned the word suck:

    Poz on phone in kitchen: The Royals sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

    Mrs. Poz: Joe!

    Poz: Sorry I gotta go my damn weiner kids are listening.

  31. 31: Matteo said at 1:48 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    According to BR.com, Neifi Perez earned approximately 21 million dollars for his career; TWENTY-ONE MILLION DOLLARS; thats $21,000,000 for a career OPS+64!!!!!!! That magical year of 2002 he earned approximately $4,100,000.

    I’m so sad now.

  32. 32: John B. said at 1:50 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Digressing for a moment here, Joe: is there a clause for movie experiences when you expect 4 stars and get 4 stars? Because some of my favorite movie going experiences are those when I expected greatness and got it. There must be something to separate those from the times you expected crap and got it, no?

  33. 33: NORTH said at 2:20 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    No mention of me?? Why hast thou forsaken me, Joe??

  34. 34: Conrad said at 2:21 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Toys was the WORST movie ever made. Period. And I’m still waiting for my remedy – damages, restitution, I’ll take anything at this point. I NEED TO BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN AFTER WATCHING THAT!!!*

    *Oh, and I saw it the summer it came out, I guess – like, what, 17 years ago?? Nothing has come close to topping that movie in suckiness since . . .

  35. 35: Pete said at 3:32 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    House of 1000 Corpses is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Using the expectations formula, I expected a 0 and got a -13. I realize negative stars don’t exist, but this film was so terrible they are necessary.

  36. 36: The Rookies » Blog Archive » Last Call: Where Christian Ehrhoff, shark-dolphin hybrids and German metal happen said at 3:50 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    [...] – Joe Posnanski on why this year’s Royals team is the worst he’s ever seen. [...]

  37. 37: Dorasaga said at 3:55 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Mr. Posnanski,

    When you said “The Postman” sucked, were you referring to “El Postino,” the UK-Italy joint production?

    Because if that’s the case, then I feel the moral obligation to defend the film.

    It’s supposed to touch the metaphysics, guiding the viewers through the scenes with music and camera effects. It’s really not about anything. It’s a simple story about a simple guy, the postman.

    And the beauty of it lies within its style, and of course the implication of the grander things such as the Argentinian revolution a Shakespearian relief of Communist movement happening in Italy…

  38. 38: Ryan said at 4:09 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    “The Postman” had Kevin Costner. It was set in a post-apocalyptic future or something, except Costner rode a horse and delivered mail. I remember when I saw the trailer for the first time in the theater, I laughed out loud.

  39. 39: Dan Cook said at 4:10 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    LOOSE SHOES! I haven’t seen Loose Shoes since I was 14-yrs-old, back in 1987, and if I recall it sucked in the most awesome way ever. I still remember the jingle from the self-titled sketch. And I’m pretty sure Bill Murray was in one scene (Bill Murray rules). But you’re dead on about Toys, and about the Royals, as always. Please don’t stop following the Royals just because your new job doesn’t require it anymore. I would miss your commentary direly.

  40. 40: Chad said at 4:12 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Depressing, but so utterly true.

    Well…..at least I’m not an Oakland Raiders fan, too.

  41. 41: Stephen said at 6:03 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Joe, I generally dislike scapegoating the manager, but if the Royals do the small things horribly, then that is on the manager. The manager can’t make a team pitch well, or hit well, but he can make damn sure that they play hard and do the little things right. Hilliman has gots to go… Or not. As a Cardinals fan, I find this whole situation kinda amusing.

  42. 42: KHAZAD said at 6:22 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    #16- I agree that the Royals have not taught their players fundamentals in the minors, and rush whoever is the next “Savior” up to the bigs.

    I do not hold out any hope because Dayton seems to be playing darts blindfolded with his moves, and has already become the King of denial. He seems to think that this is somehow bad luck, that the 18-11 is a truer mirror for the team than debacle since, and that Trey is still the answer.

    A good owner would take drastic steps to fix this in the offseason, but we are stuck with the groundhog. (Glass) He will stick his head out of his whole twice in the offseason. The first to say that they want to win as much as we do, and that this is unacceptable, but DMGM and Trey are on the right track. The second will be to say he is excited about the Royal’s off season moves, and hopes everyone will buy tickets because they expect 2010 to be a good year.

    When I got my playstation, a friend of mine gave me a mlb game with the 2003 team on it. I decided to play it and buy a new one when the Royals would be decent on the game again. I am afraid that I will be an age where my thumbs no longer function properly when the opportunity finally arises.

  43. 43: Jon Morse said at 6:58 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Joe, I do apologize for this, but I’m afraid I must make a stylistic correction to one statement in your post, adding in another fact which is really required in order to adequately demonstrate the horror of the situation:

    “That team lost a game when an outfielder named Chip Ambres dropped a fly ball with two outs in the ninth inning of a game the Royals had led 7-2 going into the ninth inning.”

  44. 44: Tom in St. Paul said at 7:39 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    I gave up spending time following the Royals years ago and can honestly say that my quality of life has improved. Life is too short to waste time on lost causes.

  45. 45: Tedge said at 7:49 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Hilarious post Joe. What made this even better was after I was done with the reading the article and comments, I went to MLBTraderumors and the first headline that I saw was:

    “Royals Considering Extension For Moore”

    Sweet. Go Twins!!!

  46. 46: mkeryan said at 9:05 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    Wow! as i am reading this mlb tv shows a lowlight where the royals somehow allow a run to score on a ground ball back to the pitcher.

    i feel for royals fans.

  47. 47: dja said at 10:10 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    congrats on the dayton moore extension royals fans!!

  48. 48: Graphite said at 11:39 pm on August 28th, 2009:

    “. . . were you referring to ‘El Postino,’ the UK-Italy joint production? Because if that’s the case, then I feel the moral obligation to defend the film. It’s supposed to touch the metaphysics, guiding the viewers through the scenes with music and camera effects. It’s really not about anything. It’s a simple story about a simple guy, the postman. And the beauty of it lies within its style, and of course the implication of the grander things such as the Argentinian revolution a Shakespearian relief of Communist movement happening in Italy…”

    Best watched with a glass of Chablis in hand, preferably one with a breedy aroma holding buttery and oaky overtones. Avoid piquant flavours — the movie will take care of that — and, of course, big nose and inky textures.

  49. 49: Richard Aronson said at 1:15 am on August 29th, 2009:

    Many a mediocre movie has been ruined by expectations. Hudson Hawk, which you cite, was to me (on your scale of -5 to +5) a negative one. If you hated the acting, then you also had to hate the acting in all the other too hip caper movies, like the Rat Pack films and more recently the Oceans Whatevers. I deliberately try to set my expectations at zero on any movie that isn’t a sequel, so Hudson Hawk was not the worst movie ever. But it seemed to me that so many folks expected it to be great, and it was far from great, that it got more than its share of condemnation. Same with Ishtar, to name another one. I’m with you on Toys, though. I had high hopes based on its cast and pedigree, but I was mostly confused.

  50. 50: Pete Ridges said at 1:23 am on August 29th, 2009:

    “that would have been Jose Lima with the 5-16 record and almost impossible to believe 6.99 ERA.”

    Anyone else, unbelievable. But 5 years earlier for the Astros, he had gone 7-16 with a 6.65 ERA. Throw in a DH, and you’re up to 6.99. We believed it.

  51. 51: Richard Aronson said at 1:39 am on August 29th, 2009:

    I’ve concluded that the root of the problem is Moore.

    In this day and age, there is no excuse for any GM not to have read Moneyball. None. They don’t have to agree with some of the concepts it espoused at a superficial level (the way to win is to get high OBP batters and low OBP pitchers), or at a deeper level (the way to win is to find what valuable elements of baseball are currently undervalued by the largest number of other teams, and then trade overpriced assets for the undervalued assets).

    In short, it’s impossible to not realize that as a GM, you must have a plan. The plan could be that the undervalued assets are minor leaguers, and pour all your budget into scouting. This way you could trade major league assets for the most valuable of another team’s minor leaguers, and in the long run that’s a winning strategy. The plan could be to go for high OBP guys, or great base stealers, or great defensive players, or stud pitchers, or sluggers. Whatever your idea is, Moneyball says to build on your perceived undervalued type of ball player, and if you’re right, in the long run, you will get better players cheaply and thus win more games from your player development budget.

    Which leads us to Dayton Moore. What is his plan? What kind of ball player in 2009 is undervalued by the rest of MLB, making that type of ball player the one to pursue? I don’t know. But I can infer from examining the Royal’s roster what Moore’s plan is.

    Is the OBP guy undervalued. Clearly not. The slugger. Nope. High batting average? That would be the Angels. Team speed? Afraid not. Team defense? Not likely. Starting rotation? Not really. Deep bullpen? Definitely not. Pitchers that don’t walk batters? Nope. Don’t give up hits? Nope. Don’t give up homers? Nope. Don’t give up wild pitches? Still nope.

    If Moore has a plan, I can’d deduce it. It has to be something like most outfield assists, or fewest steals of third allowed, or something like that. Because what he has seems to be things that are negative, not positive. Most middle infielders who can neither field nor hit effectively. Most big slow sluggers who don’t get on base very much to minimize how badly they’ll clog the bases. You know, negative things.

    If I can’t see Moore’s plan, then I have to assume he lacks a plan. If he lacks a plan, then he is in the wrong job. I’m no Hillman fan, but bad as I think Hillman is, he didn’t get to decide to play his chess game with 23 pawns, one queen (Greinke), and one rook (Soria). Moore gave Hillman all those pawns who can only move one base (square) at a time. So Moore should be the first to go.

  52. 52: AxDxMx said at 1:55 am on August 29th, 2009:

    Worst Royals team you’ve ever seen, huh?

    I suppose that merits a NEW CONTRACT for DAYTON MOORE.

    I am about to completely give up on sports in KC.

  53. 53: kevin said at 6:22 am on August 29th, 2009:

    I live in the Washington, DC, area, and a very similar article could be written about the Nats this year. Decent talent (though the Nats’ talent is having several well-above-average players rather than two All-Stars), but astoundingly bad fundamentals.

  54. 54: onthemark said at 7:41 am on August 29th, 2009:

    Been a long time (read: long suffering) Royals fan. Went to Opening Day (night) at Royals Stadium, 1973. So, I have some experience in watching them.

    I pretty much gave up all hope on this team. Like everyone else, I was excited about their fast start this year, as opposed to their normal 5-15 April.

    Here’s the thing. I just changed my outlook. I no longer watch them expecting a win. Instead, I watch them KNOWING that no matter how well they are playing or how big a lead they might have, they will at some point make whatever play or series of plays required in order for them to lose!

    So, the game is once again fun. No longer will I suffer watching them lose. As long as you know/expect them to lose, then the fun will be waiting for the moment (generally the 8th inning, bullpen activated) when your expectation for some bone headed lack of baseball fundamentals will be handsomely rewarded!

    It is all about setting reasonable expectations, you see? Because no one, and I mean NO ONE who follows baseball can realistically expect this team to ever be contenders again.

  55. 55: dsw said at 8:15 am on August 29th, 2009:

    “The Burbs” was the worst movie ever. I’m sure Tom Hanks has bought up all available copies of this stinker.

  56. 56: Jon said at 8:17 am on August 29th, 2009:

    bad is when you have 2 base runners double up at first base on fly balls to the outfield in consecutive innings. Although I do enjoy the updated K, and the thrill of the 18-11 start and what might have been….

  57. 57: Jon said at 8:20 am on August 29th, 2009:

    and the worst movie was Tidal Wave…

  58. 58: jay said at 9:14 am on August 29th, 2009:

    Joe, that was such a truly great post. Back in the day, my dad (an Indians fan, so the following makes no sense) bought me a Royals jersey when I was a little kid and screwed up the iron-on numbers on the back terribly. He then went out and bought me a Red Sox jersey for no apparent reason (maybe it was on sale), had my mom do the ironing, and that was that. Instant Red Sox fan…all in all, I suppose I’m glad he couldn’t iron.

    Least favorite Royal: Kyle Farnsworth… $4.25m. I wouldn’t pay him $4.25 to pitch (much better spent on Chik-Fil-A), much less 1,000,000 times that. Seriously…the Royals brass should have taken a poll and said “okay, we can either (1) sign Kyle Farnsworth, or (2) every single fan at every single Royals home game can have a free hot dog, and we’ll just fill his roster spot with an unknown at the minimum salary”…no contest. Actually, it would have been TWO years of free hot dogs (you’re stuck paying him $5m for next year).

    Something interesting to research would be to see how many abject failures were given big contracts by a large-market team, failed miserably, but then just kept making big money for other teams while continuing to suck. Farnsworth is Exhibit A. Farnsworth has made over $26m, thanks largely to the massive salary bump the Yankees gave him a few years back. Maybe not as greivious as Neifi’s $22m (that hurts my brain to contemplate), and sure, his career earnings barely buys a year of Vernon Wells’ exquisite brand of mediocrity, but still…

    Worst movie ever? Based on expectation-disconfirmation theory (fancy name for the effect you described, Joe), three words: Jar Jar Binks. I just couldn’t believe what I was watching..or worse, hearing…”Mesa day startin pretty okee-day with a brisky morning munchy, then BOOM! Gettin very scared and grabbin that Jedi and POW! Mesa here! Mesa gettin’ very very scared!” (actual “dialogue”).

    But for worst ever, with no expectations (believe me, the case to this movie did not inspire high hopes…I remember it showing someone holding a “severed head” (which didn’t really look human, but it got the point across)….I worked in a video store throughout high school, and when we were stuck working late on Saturday nights (store would be pretty empty) we’d put on the worst movies we could find. So based on a systematic search for suckery, the clear choice is called “555″. According to IMDB, it was written and produced by Roy Koz and Wally Koz…and the Koz family dynasty never found work in the movie business again. The tagline: “Shot in Blood-Vivid Video for Your Viewing Pleasure.” There was a lot of blood (or tomato soup, from the looks of it).

    And, in case you have doubts (because I don’t think more than 20 people saw this movie, including the 3 of us working in the video store), here’s the plot summary:

    A spate of killings of teenagers by a maniac dressed like a hippie causes a detective to check the records for similar killings. He discovers that every five years, in the fifth month of the year, for five consecutive days, the same type of killings have occurred, and the few descriptions of the suspect always match: he’s dressed like a hippie. As the detective searches for the killer, he begins to have suspicions about his superior, an older man who is haunted by memories of his military service in Vietnam.

    I double-dog dare everyone reading this to watch that movie. If, of course, you can find it. And still own a VCR (I don’t think it made the leap to DVD).

  59. 59: stpat said at 9:37 am on August 29th, 2009:

    #51
    You make astute points. I will offer my interpretation on what “the plan” or “the process” is.

    Moore’s plan is an extension of David Glass’s payroll. He fills the major league roster with marginal talent, castoffs from other teams, and has-beens so as to simulate a major league roster and dupe the fans into believing that we have something that will simply compete. In the meantime, he goes after highschool draft picks that will take longer to groom for the big leagues and are a greater risk. The first batch of draft picks will take approximately 3-5 years to make it to the major league club. In the meantime, the natives get restless in waiting for the “the process” to come to fruition so desperation moves (ala Jacobs/Betancourt) are made. In year 4, the owner freezes payroll until the aforementioned acquisitions can come off the payroll. Also in year 4, seeing that the owner will not re-sign the Ace of the Staff (Greinke) and the Closer (Soria), they are traded for multiple prospects & and talent and the draft focuses on drafting pitching talent, again. Year 5 results in a new rebuilding period while we wait for the first batch of farm system talent to trickle up to the majors and Teahen & DeJesus are finally trades but are too old and useless to garner any real prospects. Year 6 shows the first real signs of progress, as we field a team with some solid position players, alas now we have no pitching staff. Year 7 & 8 brings more talent and the first of several pitchers to rebuild the staff. Year 9 fields first competitive team. Year 10 Owner trades pieces from year’s 4 & 5 off due to free agency and process start over.

    This is called building ENTIRELY by the minors.
    And that is the plan.

  60. 60: Twitter Trackbacks for Joe Posnanski » Blog Archive » 3361 Words About The Royals [joeposnanski.com] on Topsy.com said at 10:54 am on August 29th, 2009:

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  61. 61: Michael_Q said at 10:55 am on August 29th, 2009:

    Observing this Royals train wreck from a distance, one of the most telling thing to me is that the Royals have called up NO rookies this year. At least teams like the Pirates and Nats are trading for young guys, calling them up and seeing what they can do.

    Hell, even the Red Sox, in the middle of a pennant race, seem to get a lot more contributions from their farm system than the Royals do.

    There’s just no excuse for playing a lot of crappy veterans when you have a bad team. Even if you don’t think your AAA guys will do much, give them a shot, maybe some will surprise. Guys like Guillen and Jacobs and Farnsworth(less) aren’t going to surprise in any positive way.

  62. 62: Alan said at 11:44 am on August 29th, 2009:

    Just want to note that I saw “Parasite” too, and that for years afterward when I thought about it (which wasn’t often) I was absolutely convinced that the movie I’d seen was called “The Boogens.” So I’d sometimes tell people that I saw Demi Moore in one of her first movies, “The Boogens.” An IMDB search finally set me right, and also confirmed that there WAS a movie called “The Boogens.” I never saw it. But I’m happy it exists.

    As far as worst movie ever … whew, so many offensive ones. Have to go with “Natural Born Killers.” Expectations weren’t high — I never was an Oliver Stone fan — but the movie was just soul-crushingly evil. Maybe “Mississippi Burning” is more on point; I had some hope for that one. It was a good subject and had a good cast, and Alan Parker had shown some talent on occasion. And I left the theater in spasms of rage.

  63. 63: ajnrules said at 1:02 pm on August 29th, 2009:

    I always thought Hook was the worst movie you’ve ever seen using the Expectation/Reality scale…

  64. 64: Mean Dean said at 5:44 pm on August 29th, 2009:

    Parasite couldn’t be worse than Troll 2.

  65. 65: jwb said at 2:14 am on August 30th, 2009:

    “I worked in a video store throughout high school, and when we were stuck working late on Saturday nights (store would be pretty empty) we’d put on the worst movies we could find. So based on a systematic search for suckery, the clear choice is called “555?.”

    jay, A college roommate of mine was in 555. I am shocked that anyone besides family and friends saw it!

  66. 66: MonkeyHawk said at 4:10 am on August 30th, 2009:

    See, what I don’t get about this year’s Roylz is how they got to be big leaguers in the first place. It doesn’t take a whole lot of games to know to run with the 3-and-2 pitch. Maybe it helps a 2nd baseman to know the Infield Fly Rule or not, but three outs in an inning is one of those things you pick up about half-way through your second tee-ball season, isn’t it?

    I stopped playing baseball for the same reason Casey Stengle did: “I was not successful as it is a game of skill.” I was not put in Right Field in Little League because I had a strong arm; no, it was because ever kid on the team had to get an at-bat and kids who couldn’t judge fly balls were shuffled off to Right Field because so few fly balls are hit there by 9-year-olds. But I knew enough to at least try to hit the cut-off man.

    Too many of these kids today (pardon, while I chase the neighbors’ brats off my lawn) don’t seem to understand how the game is played.

  67. 67: rutbag said at 10:36 am on August 30th, 2009:

    1. LL Cool J elevates Toys from “unwatchable” to “barely watchable so long as you don’t expect anything else to be entertaining”

    2. Overkill or no, bring on the chart.

  68. 68: PaperBoyz said at 10:48 am on August 30th, 2009:

    I watch quite a lot of KC games on Extra Innings, because I have a few on my Roto team (Butler, DeJesus, Willie B). And the observation that they play unsound ball is obviously accurate.

    But while I believe Trey Hillman is a singularly inept manager as a tactician, I wonder about blaming him for the team’s inability to play fundamentally sound baseball.

    For heaven’s sake — did NONE of these players ever have a decent coach? In Little League? High school? College? American Legion?

  69. 69: rutbag said at 10:49 am on August 30th, 2009:

    I think poll question on worst movie of all time would be fun. I might lay out some ground rules:

    1. Should be mainstream or at least fairly well known – no B-movie or indie fare unless it is part of our mainstream awareness.

    2. No sequels. This is a personal rule after too many sequels were bumping legitimate efforts off of top worst movies of all time. My thinking on this is that regular movies are conceived as entities intended to stand on their own. Most sequels are conceived as warmed-over remakes of the originals and only exist to cash in on the success of the first.

    I also don’t include movies I haven’t sat all the way through. It’s the “worst movies I have ever seen” list so I don’t count movies I haven’t seen all of.

    It might also be fun to break down by comedy and drama. My nominees would be (off the top of my head without any digging):

    Comedy:

    The ‘Burbs
    The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu-Manchu

    Drama:

    Blindness
    The English Patient

    Action:

    The Fantastic Four

    Could be fun is all I’m saying.

  70. 70: jay said at 1:08 pm on August 30th, 2009:

    jwb–that is too funny. If I were in 555, it would not only be my CV’s lead item, but I’d attach a manilla envelope with a copy of the movie every time…no matter what job I was applying for:

    “Personal Interests:
    Appeared in worst movie ever (please see attachment–I am the guy screaming as I get hacked apart at 21:52).”

    Rutbag–The English Patient is the only movie ever that my wife and I both fell asleep through…at the theater. I fell asleep, she couldn’t wake me up, and then she gave up and nodded off too. Granted, it was at the end of a really long day of trekking around Manhattan and we were exhausted, but still…a lot of people I know liked it, but my review would say “more soporific than terrific.”

  71. 71: Alan said at 1:49 pm on August 30th, 2009:

    Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just DIE already!

  72. 72: Gerry said at 5:13 pm on August 30th, 2009:

    3 really bad movies…sooooo bad I walked out of the theatre…..

    1) Ishtar
    2) Irreconciliable Differences
    3) King Kong (1981)

  73. 73: KC Oracle said at 7:24 pm on August 30th, 2009:

    I wish Joe would have gone on to identify the changes that he thinks might quickly improve the team. There are at least five positions where change is necessary or justified (RF, CF, SS, 2B, C), but it would be hard to make that many changes during one off season. But with a weak division and some talent, it might not be that hard to get back in contention.

    The all defense team almost certainly would not work. Too few runs = too few wins.

    I finally saw an explanation for why a presumably smart guy like DM made the moves that were obviously highly questionable at the time, e.g., Guillen, Jacobs, Benticort, Farnsworth and even Meche):

    http://www.kcbullpenboys.com/

    “He saw the miserable top to bottom talent in the organization after 2007. He knew his farm was 4-5 years away from providing enough homegrown fruit for a pennant run. He also had pressure to win with the new stadium and new management. He succombed to the pressure and took some dumb risks he shouldn’t have taken. He did this hoping that he could win 80+ games and pick up attendence, establish a more competitive atmosphere at the big league level, help convince Glass for more money, and save a little face before HIS young players arrived. It didn’t work. It failed miserably.”

    ps — The Royals should try to trade Greinke this off season (or maybe today) at peak value in an effort to duplicate the Marlins’ Beckett/Rameriz trade.

  74. 74: Jim C said at 10:48 am on August 31st, 2009:

    Wow–the worst movies can become a wild and angry tirade, as pompous and pretentious things like The English Patient can never really qualify compared to toxic waste like Eagle vs. Shark, a film that should have been funny but was utterly reprehensible. I go out of my way to avoid films I know will reek.

    And that is the link between foul movies and foul baseball teams. We avoid watching them! My last Royals game was a stinker against the Twins when Paul Phillips (remember him?) hit a dribbler down the third base line and jogged to first. Except the third baseman fumbled it. Even a catcher’s sprint would have been good enough. But he was out by 3 feet. I didn’t leave then, though I should have, but if that had been my kid at a Little League game I would have been upset. For a guy making a million bucks (and some of those are MY bucks) it was exasperating.

    Until I read somewhere that the Royals can throw the ball to the proper guy, remember their ******* sun glasses, know how many outs there are, and run out a ground ball, Royals baseball remains on my Ishtar list. Unwatched!

  75. 75: nightfly said at 11:48 am on August 31st, 2009:

    You had to bring up the Dallas Green Mets, didn’t you… those guys were a serious drain on my will to live. I nearly gave up on baseball for good watching them. I mean, I can remember when Lee Mazzilli was the best player on the team. I remember when Men in Black decided to put a Met in their movie, and chose Bernard Gilkey as the guy most likely to be recognized (Tim Bogar must have said no). But that team… ye cats.

    (Looking up the ‘96 team online I see that they actually had Pedro Martinez – except that he was lefthanded, and when he wasn’t pitching in San Diego’s cavernous home park, he was worse than if they had the actual Pedro Martinez throwing with his left hand.)

    So, good luck with the Royals. The Mets took six years from the ‘93 debacle to be a real contender again. Hopefully they can take the same track; they have to really rebuild from the ground up, and the next couple of seasons could be brutal.

  76. 76: Brent said at 10:16 pm on August 31st, 2009:

    This team has to have set a record in league history for having bases loaded and either a) no one out and b) one out and not scoring. Part of it is because they have the bases loaded a LOT (because they don’t go 1st to 3rd and 2nd to home) — and never, ever, get a key hit.

    This team isn’t like the 2005 team though. There is talent here. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, but there is big league talent on this team. Players that would play for other teams if they cleaned house next year. The 2005 team probably only had one player (DeJesus) on the entire roster that would have played for another team. Certainly no one on that pitching staff would have been pitching in the big leagues (The Washington Nationals excluded).

  77. 77: Andy said at 11:58 am on September 1st, 2009:

    Joe -

    Mornings posted up on my kitchen island will never be the same with you at SI.

    One thought and one question.

    Thought: I hear all the radio and TV shrillers in KC say “you can’t take time to teach these things (baserunning, hitting behind the runner, etc) at the major league level.” I ask why not. This team can’t do it. There is no fear in the that dugout. Hochevar last night in Oakland letting that guy go to third a prime example. Just once I would like to see DeJesus NOT come back out of the dugout for the next inning after being picked off first. Again. Billy Martin challenged Reggie. Trey is working on his adjectives.

    Question: The company line is Dayton has spent money on draft picks, scouting, the latin academy. Any insights as to whether there has been a similar increase in spending on minor league coaches? Are the same slackers that honed DeJesus’s baserunning skills working with our other youngsters?

    Also, the Braves have always sucked at moving runners and playing percentage defense- Andruw Jones never saw a cut off man he bypass. That is what kept them from having a trophy room.

  78. 78: kris marolt said at 8:03 pm on September 1st, 2009:

    Royals spelled backwards is “Slayor” which is close to slayer. So maybe the team is just backwards.

    So … there are droughts and there are years it is close. The Slayors are in a drought period. Tampa was in a drought period.. for a while.

    Joe, i would like to know this: Are the indians the only team in history to have 4 200+ HR guys come up through there farm system (signed by and developed from) within 5 yrs of each other? The players: Thome, Ramirez, Giles & Sexson (five if Russell Branyan continues to start).

  79. 79: Posnanski Dominates Royals | So Yoked - Athletes Served Sunny Side Up said at 9:25 am on September 2nd, 2009:

    [...] you’re as sick of the Royals as we are, and like Joe Posnanski, make sure to check out this blog post of his about how horribly this season has turned out for the team.  It’s long, but who [...]

  80. 80: MrHaverkamp said at 11:43 pm on September 2nd, 2009:

    Wow, I’m going to have to move this blog up to ‘daily’ instead of ‘weekly’ because some of the commenters approach the eloquence of Joe’s writing! A proud personal moment of displaying ‘tact’ was attending a premiere theatrical screening of Toys (a buddy’s girlfriend was in the ad business) and when the film and afterparty concluded, she actually asked us what we thought of the film. My answer, “what a great soundtrack.” Personal worst film – I Heart Huckabees.

  81. 81: Joe Posnanski » Blog Archive » 3361 Words About The Royals | Cheap Tickets News Cheap Yankees Tickets Cheap Steelers Tickets Cheap Tickets said at 8:37 am on September 12th, 2009:

    [...] See more here: Joe Posnanski » Blog Archive » 3361 Words About The Royals [...]


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