Family Vacation
Posted: June 21st, 2009 | Filed under: Pop Culture | 67 Comments »
So, we’re on an old-fashioned family vacation. The only thing missing, really, is the wood-paneled station wagon, and that’s only because we couldn’t find one. This week, the family is out driving the highways and byways of America, a multi-thousand mile car ride that will wind around to various and ultimately end up (I hope) in Toronto.
Already, the trip has taken us by Hamilton, Mo., which is the birthplace of Hall of Famer Zack Wheat AND James Cash Penney, who, as you can tell by the initials, is better known as J.C. Penney. I’m fascinated by stuff like this. It blows my mind that Walt Disney and Mark Twain both moved to Missouri towns when they were 4 years old … and those towns are roughly 90 miles apart on Highway 36. We went by those towns too … maybe the next book should be about Highway 36.
We have already stopped in Springfield, Ill., where we toured Abraham Lincoln’s house. This is yet another thing I think about all the time: How do you think you would feel about becoming really famous and then, years and years from now, having some park ranger leading tour group after tour group through your house? It SOUNDS good, probably, but in reality it’s all about strangers saying: “Well, Honest Abe might have been resilient and true during our nation’s greatest crisis, but the man had horrible taste in wallpaper.”
We walked a bit of the campus at Notre Dame, though this was quite a bit more complicated than you might expect. I don’t know what kind of secrets they’re hiding there at Notre Dame — probably the tapes that explain the reason why they gave Charlie Weis a 200-year contract or whatever — but basically we got turned away at the guard gate. We were told to go to a different gate and tell the guard that we were going to the basilica — it sounded like some sort of secret password. I mean, we didn’t want to visit the Los Alamos, we just wanted the girls to run around where Rudy was busy getting the Swingers guy dates. We decided to just walk around the outskirts and be done with it.
We already have eaten incredibly bad food — I cannot believe I fell for the KFC trap AGAIN — and already stayed at one shaky hotel (though the beds were comfortable) and already gotten stuck in a tollbooth line that moved slower than a Molina and already (twice( done the “scrape the bug remains off the windshield” dance. It’s all good. I always promised myself that when my daughters were old enough (but not too old to rebel against it), we would go on one of THOSE family vacations with lots of car riding and corny attractions and fast food, the kind my mother and father took me on when I was a boy. There are amusement parks and Niagara Falls and museums and boring pitstops in their future. I couldn’t be happier.
And I’ll watch sports from a distance for a little while … that will be good too. I have noticed that the Kansas City Royals the last five games have lost 12-5, 12-5, 10-5, 7-1, 12-5. That’s staggeringly bad. In fact, it’s so bad that against my better judgment I did my best to look back and see when was the last time the Royals lost five games in a row by at least five runs. And, best I can tell, the answer is: Never. Yeah, that’s right: Never. Even during their worse moments, and there have been some really terrible moments, they have never done this before (unless I missed it somewhere) … see, it’s HARD to lose by five runs or more night after night.
The Royals have now lost 18 games by five or more runs … most in baseball. That fits. Last year they lost by five or more 31 times … most in the American League. The year before that, they lost by five or more 30 times … second-most in the league to Tampa.
In 2006, yeah, 36 times, most in baseball.
In 2005, yeah, 37 times, most in baseball.
In 2004, yeah, 37 times. Tied for most in baseball.
Since 2004, combined, the Royals have lost 188 times by five-runs or more … that’s 29 more losses than the next-closes team (the Cincinnati Reds). Plain and simple fact: No team the last few years has had to endure more butt-kickings than the Kansas City Royals. And EVEN WITH THAT, the Royals had never before lost five games in a row by five runs or more. Something else to put on the resume.
Albert Pujols, by the way, is now hitting .394/.490/.733 with 14 homers and 50 RBIs in 42 games against the Royals. Don’t tell me that he wasn’t insulted by the Royals passing on him in the draft.
Meanwhile: I guess they’re still playing the U.S. Open … and Tiger Woods is behind by seven? Who the heck is going to watch coverage on Monday? Maybe Phil can make a run …
Finally: Margo has come up with a new idea to make us a fortune — An e-Harmony type Web site for couple friends. We’re not talking swinger stuff (no Fritz Peterson-Mike Kekich), no. We’re talking about a place where you can put in your qualifications for couple friends — everyone knows how hard it is to find legit couple friends where the husbands get along, the wives get along, there’s some cross-friendship, a real Flintstone-Rubble type of relationship. There’s probably lots of stuff like that on the Internet now — we’re ALWAYS late on the million dollar schemes — but, hey, it’s a good idea anyways. Especially for an idea hatched on a long and dry highway in Ohio.
Oh, and one more thing: I am aware that the Web site has had some technical difficulties the last couple of weeks. I am told that the problems are unrelated to this site specifically and I’m told the Go Daddy people are looking into it. I guess I’d ask for your patience and indulgence … hopefully we will figure this thing out, and by “we,” I of course mean “they.”
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first.
The couple friends idea is awesome but I’m certain you’d end up being overrun by swingers. My wife I always make it very clear to other couples that we are inviting them over for drinks but not for anything else.
Have fun on the road.
I live in Kirksville, MO and go to Truman State University and know of both Marceline (Disney) and Hamilton, as well as Gen. Pershing’s home of Laclede, based on the fact that my history profs just LOVE bringing it up. Actually, if you travel along US 36, both Hamilton and Marceline are relatively close to the highway, and on the other side of the state you find Hannibal. Hannibal was the home of one Samuel Clemens, more famously known as Mark Twain. It’s funny that northern Missouri’s towns work SOOO hard to emphasize their connection to famous figures, even if said connections are fleeting at best.
Disney, for example was only in Marceline for a few years, four I think. When Twain got famous he basically split and got as far away as possible. Pershing, same thing. On a side note, I’ve always thought that Truman really should be Pershing State, considering that Pershing actually went here when it was called North Missouri Normal School. On a second side note, Truman never really went to college. He was the last president sans a college degree.
Oh…I’ve also been to Lincoln’s home and grave in Springfield. Something about the fact that Abe was assassinated made both very creepy to me. Incidentally, Lincoln and Charles Darwin were born the same day. February 12th, 1809. Has there every been another date where two people of such staggering historical importance were both born?
Next time, visit Purdue University instead of Notre Dame!
“Has there every been another date where two people of such staggering historical importance were both born?”
Jeff Bagwell and Frank Thomas.
Isaac Newton and Jesus. But Bagwell and Thomas are close.
City workers went on strike today in Toronto, may not be best time to visit.
willbetheboy
Get to my age and it’s patently obvious drinks are all that’s going to be served. But I’m thinking that if my friends needed to be told then I’d get new friends.
As far as bad food goes, you knew what KFC was before you got there. I am a big fan of the long an winding driving vacation. Sometimes they are planned to a T, sometimes we fly by the seat of our pants, but we have one hard and fast rule: We DO NOT eat anywhere that we could eat at home. This rule has served us very well, we have found alot of wonderful places to eat right near the Mcdonald’s or KFC that other travelers were going to. Yes there have been some bad experiences, but they became much more interesting stories than another bad KFC. Just a suggestion.
The KFC Trap sounds a lot like what I have taken to calling The Entenmann’s Effect. It’s when something (usually food) looks so good that you get suckered into trying it over and over, but each time you’re disappointed. But a year or two later you see it again, and it looks really good. But it’s not. For me, Entemann’s Donuts are the quintessential example of this, but KFC would work, too.
I see that the poll’s cop shows have garnered just 62 votes among three categories, covering multiple titles. Is their poor showing down to the virtual disappearance of the whodunnit element? In our house we occasionally tune in to something in the genre but a pattern keeps emerging – as soon as the rich white guy appeared on screen one of the family will say “There’s the baddie” . . . and you know they’re right.
A recent episode of Lie To Me did have a switch; the baddie was the rich white woman. But she was also a judge, her social status trumping the white guy, whose candidature rested solely on his wealth. (Actually, she may not have been the murderer, as her daughter was the murderee – I kept nodding off. But I do know she came out of it with her reputation badly tarnished.)
If you get near London, ON on your way home from Toronto through Detroit or Port Huron, wave as you go by. If you’d like, you could see the London Majors, a semi-pro team, at the oldest continually-in-use ball park in North America, Labatt Park.
That wallpaper is freaky — it moves when you move the page up and down using a scroll wheel on the mouse but not when you do so with the keyboard’s up and down keys or the browser’s scroll bar…
I hope you’re familiar with roadfood.com.
Sounds like you’re winding your way though non-Interstates. Those are the best family vacations.
You may start the day with a cinnamon roll the size of a Buick and discover the best Indian restaurant in America as an add-on to the Best Western motel outside Muncie or somewhere.
Or not.
An adventure!
I agree with the general consensus – finding the non-chain eateries can definitely add some colour to any road trip, though having road-tripped on many occasions, I know there are times when you’re looking for a service centre because you’re on a long stretch of highway and you just need to find something – anything – to eat. I can imagine the off-the-beaten-path restaurant idea would be even harder to swing with young children, who tend to be less adventurous with foodstuffs.
If you do make it to Toronto, there are tons of great places up here whether you’re doing the touristiest tourist thing or looking for something a little more unusual. Of course, not knowing which way you’re leaning, it’s hard to make recommendations…
Joe
Since you seem to be a guy who is interested in all sorts of things, may I mention that there are three sites from the war of 1812 pretty close to Niagara Falls.
1 is in Stoney Creek (about 1/2 hour away), 1 in Queenston Heights around 10 minutes away. That one featured the battle where General Isaac Brock was killed. There is a monument built there. Nice place to have a picnic. You can look out over the wall and see the cliff where the American forces would have had to scale, and can see down over the Niagara River into Lewiston.
The other would be in Niagara-on-the-Lake about 15 minutes away, and that is Fort George, may be interesting to the girls, and you and your wife may enjoy the small shops as well. Both Queenston and NOTL are pretty small places while Stoney Creek has been annexed by Hamilton.
Then there is Fort York in Toronto (which used to be York and was at one point the capital of Upper Canada).
Just a thought, I know I like to visit historical stuff when i’m out on the road.
Oh and a couple of plaques about the Babe when he played his first major league baseball at Hanlon’s Point. Foot of Bathurst St. I think.
Oh and a trip on the ferries to Centre Island takes less than 20 minutes and there’s a small amusement park there as well.
Will, where the heck do you live that you have to explicitly explain to people that an invitation for drinks is not a prelude to an orgy?
Is there really that much group sex happening in your town that you have to spell this out? And if so, are there any affordable homes available in your area?
Hey, if you’re in Toronto, you should take the girls to the Shakespeare Festival in Stratford. Give them some true culture.
Stories about trips like this always make me think of my favorite terrible Tom Hanks movie: Joe Versus the Volcano.
Luggage Salesman: Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks?
Joe Banks: No.
Luggage Salesman: It’s the central preoccupation of my life. This is our premier steamer trunk, it’s all handmade, only the finest materials. It’s even watertight, tight as a drum. If I had the need, and the wherewithal, Mr. Banks, this would be my trunk of choice.
Joe Banks: I’ll take four of them.
Luggage Salesman: May you live to be a thousand years old, sir.
Always try to seek out a brewpub. Even if you aren’t a beer hound, you will usually find that brewpubs have excellent and varied menus. And if you do enjoy beer, there’s nothing better than sampling the locally made brews.
Too bad you weren’t up in the great white north last week. The Canadian baseball hall of fame in St. Mary’s inducted Ernie Whitt and Larry Walker (childhood hero). On Thursday was a celebrity ball game featuring a still vivacious Fergie Jenkins… What a treat.
News of some interest to readers here:
Columbia has pulled the plug on Steven Soderbergh’s movie version of Moneyball. Shooting was scheduled to begin later this week.
Phil is making a run.
College campuses are better in the fall anyway. You should go back there in October.
The Royals are not good. They stink.
I think I speak for most of us here when I say that it would be funny if Jim (#1) wandered out in front of your car and got hit. Nothing serious or anything. Just clipped a little bit. Maybe trist an ankle or dislocate a finger or something.
Also, if you are traveling through Cleveland on the way to the falls maybe you could stop off in Ashtabula or Geauga county and spend some time with the family searching for the Mellon Heads. Surely, growing up on the east side you’ve heard of them. It’s something every kid should get to do once.
@Will – On second thought we won’t be able to make it over this weekend. Sorry about that. Something has come up.
Oddly, I took a little vacation this weekend too, only mine took me TO Kansas City, to see my Cardinals play the Royals. Actually, the trip was inspired by a piece Joe wrote on this blog a few months ago, about the Negro League Museum. I read it and thought that would be a great weekend trip – see some baseball, visit the NL Museum (and the Jazz museum, in the same building), eat some barbecue…. So Friday morning I threw on my Curt Flood jersey and floored it the 10 hours from Boulder to KC.
It was a perfect weekend in every respect. The Negro League museum is fabulous, and the baseball experience at Kauffman Stadium is first rate. Royals fans couldn’t have been nicer, even though the Red Horde of Cardinal fans had kind of overrun the stadium and the Cardinals destroyed them in all 3 games. Stadium workers, ushers, parking people – all first class. I found the Royals fans to be not only friendly and welcoming, but very knowledgeable and enthusiastic, too, even with a horrible team. I sure hope that organization can put it together, the fans there really deserve it.
Oh, and it’s a really beautiful stadium too, even if the location (in the burbs, just of the freeway, with easy but very slooowwww ingress and egress) leaves a lot to be desired. I’ve been in a lot of ballparks, and my “home” park these days is the wonderful Coors Field, but I have to say Kauffman’s one of the best I’ve seen. It probably helped that the Cards were the opposition – the stadium was half red, half blue, and nearly full for all three games. The atmosphere was just incredible.
So thanks, Joe, for inspiring a trip that turned into one of the top baseball experiences of my life. (And thanks to Albert Pujols too, who made it even better. That grand slam off the Royals Hall of Fame building yesterday is something I’ll never forget.)
To Chattanooga @ 7:
“Isaac Newtown and Jesus.” Dude, he was obviously talking about 2 people being born on the actual same day…Lincoln and Darwin on the same day in 1809, Bagwell and Thomas on the same day in 1968 (i think it was 68).
Newton was born more than 1600 years after Jesus. So they don’t qualify. (And that’s without even getting into that Jesus wasn’t born on December 25).
If it was just two historical figures sharing the same birthday there’d be hundreds of examples (Bono, Donovan and Sid Vicious all born on May 10, for example).
@ Motherscratcher: OK, you got me to google the Melonheads, who turn out to haunt my county, supposedly, and well WTF?
For one thing, Twain was born in a small Missouri town (Florida) and moved to a larger one (Hannibal).
For another, Highway 24 has it all over Highway 36. Start out in Independence, home of Truman’s old lady, Mormons, Santa Fe, California and Mormon Trails, etc., wind your way along the Lewis and Clark Trail through all the little towns whose banks were robbed by the James Gang, through Brunswick, the boyhood home of Darold Knowles*, through Keytesville. Keytesville is a tiny little burg that spawned Cal Hubbard**, General Sterling Price, General Maxwell Taylor, and lays some claim to Pershing as well. Drive twenty more miles through Moberly, the boyhood home of General Omar Bradley. Twenty more miles and you run into the birthplace of Mark Twain***. A few miles after that, 24 merges with 36 for the glorious drive into Hannibal.
Now, sliced bread was invented in Chillicothe, so I’ll give 36 it’s due credit, but c’mon.
* Knowles, while being a decent journeyman reliever, is known in underground baseball circles for a certain physical endowment that you’ll never read about in the sports pages.
** Hubbard was the first – and maybe only, I haven’t checked – man to be inducted into Canton AND Cooperstown.
*** Mark Twain Lake has a nice waterpark, I hear. Hey, the kids would probably like that better than anything Highway 36 has to offer.
Pete–there were some of us pushing, hard, for the name to be Pershing University or Pershing State. That fight was made and lost.
Perry (#26)–of course Royals fans are friendly. It’s kind of hard to talk sh*t to the opposing fans when your team is horrible. We just hang our heads and say, “Yeah, we know….we suck.” Only Raiders fans are beligerent while rooting for an awful team.
Born same day: Mario Lemieux and Patrick Roy. (It was a great day for hockey!)
On the way to Toronto:
– Dearborn MI (outside Detroit) — Henry Ford Museum and Greenfield Village
– Hamilton, ON is home to the Canadian Warplane Museum and the Canadian Football Hall of Fame. Two museums, smaller than what you’d find in the States, with just enough differences to give a real Canadian taste.
– I’ll second Niagara-on-the-Lake and Forts Niagara and George, but if you go upriver from the falls, Fort Erie (ONT) is also interesting.
Joe:
On the way back, skip Springfield, as you have already gone to the one interesting place in the whole darned town.
If you go back through the Loo (sorry St. Louis), go to Ted Drewe’s for ice cream (technically I think they sell frozen custard, but whatever it is called it is delicious)
Re: Pujols destroying the Royals – maybe the Royals have just been incredibly bad since Albert has been in the League. He could just be really really good, and not mad at all.
Joe, seems that you may like Bill Bryson’s book “The Lost Continent: Travels in Small Town America”. Not his best book, but any book by Bryson is good.
Also, you should think about going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. I’m sure the kids would love it, and it would make for a great blog post!
First the typo: “Since 2004, combined, the Royals have lost 188 times by five-runs or more … that’s 29 more losses than the next-closes” closest is missing it’s “t”.
When we went on driving trips and our kid was roughly your kids’ age, the two rules of thumb were: every park we came to we stopped at for 10-15 minutes for some serious swing, slide, and energy burning time, and Liz was allowed (encouraged, even) to participate in the itinerary. Both my wife and I suffered through too many trips where our parents had no clue as to what we really wanted to see. I can honestly say that we never had a bad vacation. And often getting the kid’s opinion led us to lots of astonishingly good places we’d never have thought of on our own: Butterfly Houses, Doll Museums, Julliard.
For me, Entemann’s Donuts are the quintessential example of this, but KFC would work, too
Add Sbarro’s to the list.
Hey Llarry, don’t forget Hamilton is also where NHL dreams are dashed!
Blue
Good to hear. I’ve never actually heard a prof. who was here when the name change was made say they liked “Truman” at the time. I’m sure they were there, but I really don’t know the specifics and stuff.
Whose decision was that? The state’s, I’m guessing?
With the Peterson-Kekich aside, I am reminded of [a] why I love Joe and [b] that this blog is tailored to my demographic. Run those names by anyone under forty and I am sure you will get the blank stare.
Joe,
Any reaction to Moneyball – The Movie being killed off? I think the animated Bill James may have been the last straw.
http://deadspin.com/5299791/moneyballs-deep+sixed
Stay tuned one day for the big screen adaptation of Dodger Dogs to Fenway Franks. I’m not kidding.
I guess Billy Beane’s, uh, stuff just didn’t work in Hollywood.
What’s this? I post a comment about the polls and the polls are taken down. I hope it wasn’t something I said.
Joe,
Sorry to hear about your experience at Notre Dame. The campus is *beautiful*, and a key reason is that there’s almost no cars (or roads) to be found. Just old brick buildings, huge quads, massive trees, and a gorgeous old basilica church with a golden dome next door. If all you did was wander around the outskirts of campus for a few minutes, you really missed out — it would be akin to settling for just peeking in the windows of Lincoln’s house since you weren’t willing to spend 15 minutes waiting in line for the tour…
Probably not a hell of a lot of blogs that refer to swingers, Abraham Lincoln, and Mark Twain.
Have a great vacation. Kids grow up too fast.
[...] Continued here: Family Vacation » Joe Posnanski [...]
Don’t sell the under-40 demographic short, Tom. I’m under 40 (though it’s not as far off as I’d like to be able to convince myself) and I caught the reference.
Good suggestion on Centre Island. A great place for a picnic, and though the amusement park is small, it’s great for younger kids and pretty inexpensive.
However, as Simon pointed out, there’s a strike on in Toronto, and ferry workers are among those striking. Depending on when things get resolved, you may not exactly have an easy time getting out there.
it’s good to spend the vacation with the family.. it is the most nice part in family bonding
Joe,
When you get home from vacation, you can check out the latest in infomercials:.
http://www.dualsaw.com/
It’s so awesome that Billy Mays needs an assistant to pitch it.
If you’re going to Niagara Falls, I’ll put in a plug for Abbott’s Frozen Custard, with a number of locations in and around Rochester. Delicious.
The old covered bridges in Ashtabula County in Ohio (far NE corner) are wonderful in case you are coming/going thru Ashtabula. The kids would probably just like saying the name…Bob Dylan did! Ashtabula also bills itself as the top grape & wine producing county in Ohio. Is that sort of like saying the Royals are the best baseball team in the city of Kansas City?
Next time you and the family are on I55 in Illinois keep going north to bloomington, Evergreen cemetery, Adlai Stevenson, and “Old Hoss” Radborne are both buried their.
I’ve never had a threesome or a foursome, but I have had a onesome.
I’ve only had an “awesome”….
@ Richard Aronson #36
Would you please stop correcting irrelevant typo’s in Joe’s post? The missing ‘t’ did not really change the intent of the sentence. Thanks.
Oh my god, oh my god …. Joe if you’re still in the states stock up on booze quick. Not only are the garbagemen and ferry workers on strike, now the damned LCBO is going on strike.
oh sure down south it doesn’t matter because every mom and pop shop on every corner sells booze. Not up here though, big brother sells it and big brother only.
Okay you can still get beer at the Beer Store, yup really called that and it is controlled by Molson’s and Labbat’s. Good luck getting decent beer.
Hope your trip is going well so far.
Ok Joe, enought of this vacation stuff. We need something to read.
Condensed/rehashed for Ray Jay:
New book coming out 0999
Zack Greinke is great!
Clevelanders are used to their teams being bad, we wish it wasn’t so.
Have you seen that silly infomercial that comes on way too often?
Newspapers are dying!
Still on vacation.
—–
Joe Rocks!
weird it took the / out of my dates above. Should be 09/09/09, maybe I had them backwards.
Try as one might and wood-paneled station wagon or no, one cannot imagine Joe behind the wheel on this family jaunt without hearing in one’s head the echoing refrains of “National Lampoon’s Vacation”’s “Holiday Road” being sung by Lindsey Buckingham.
At Niagra Falls, be sure to do the “behind the falls” tour. Worth the $$$.
Not tempted to stop and see the Mud Hens, eh?
I believe the wallpaper’s a primitive version of Magic Eye designs.
When you allow your eyes to “disfocus”, it doesn’t go all 3D, but you do see like twice as many tendrils and leaf clusters. Spooky.
http://www.magiceye.com/3dfun/stwkdisp.shtml
Re: Entenmann’s–I had an idea for a book title once on this very topic: “The Unfulfilled Promise of the Carving Station.” Red lights, delicious looking meat, hand carved for you right then, by gosh…and so very rarely does it measure up.
Oh wait, they got the LCBO people settled already, can’t have people going without their booze! Now if only it was as easy getting the city people back to work. Ah what do I care. After 22 years living and working in Toronto I haven’t been there in nearly a year. Still lots to see and do when you’re there.
hi guys!i’m a newbie here…that’s a nice blog,I’m planing to go for a vacation with my family soon..how much will be the expenses for five person..it will be 2 days and 3 nights.
Family vacations are great. Sometimes “off-beat” locations can provide experiences that you just can’t get from typical vacation spots.
For example, ever consider vacationing in Spokane? Here’s a link to a :30 second video that presents some family options from a marmot’s point-of-view.
http://www.youtube.com/user/VisitSpokane
I love to travel but unfortantually with my busy schedule working at Narconon drug rehab center and going to school and being a full time mom I have very little time to go on a vacation. does anyone have any advice on how to take a great vacation with having very little time to do it?