Finally, Comfort and Wipe Get Married
Posted: June 14th, 2009 | Filed under: Pop Culture | 60 Comments »
I’m not entirely sure how I became the sort of writer who will get dozens and dozens of emails from people demanding that I expound on a product called “Comfort Wipe.” I doubt that this happened to other writers like Steinbeck or Pynchon or Vitale. I guess we all have our specialties.
The Comfort Wipe does indeed seem to break new ground on the useless infoco product. For one, it evokes the most disgusting image in the history of info-commercials.*
*I used to think THIS was the most disgusting image ever “As Seen On TV” — and if you don’t want to click on that link, I don’t blame you. It’s a product called “EarLift,” which is some sort of tape that helps people who have torn their earlobes while wearing earrings. No. I’m serious. I guess this is for people who decide to wear earrings roughly the size and weight of Chevy Cavaliers …
That television commercial (which, thankfully, I have not seen in months but still occasionally haunts my nightmares) features women who apparently walk around the house looking for preposterously heavy everyday items that might work as earrings (“Hey, a can of Campbell’s Soup! I wonder what that would look if I wore it as an earring!”). A lifetime of doing this has left their ears so stretched out, they can now hear their own footsteps. These people don’t need tape for their ears, they need little carry-on bags where they can put their rolled up their ears. And weightlifters to walk around holding up their “earrings.“
But more than just disgusting, much more, the Comfort Wipe commercial manages to go a full two minutes without actually explaining what the Comfort Wipe does. Oh sure, it HINTS at the fact that the comfort wipe helps you, in the words of Tennyson, “wipe your butt after you take a dump.” But it never actually says that. Ever. There are no demonstrations, no cartoon reenactments, no nothing. This is a whole new genre of Infoco. The peerless Snuggie commercial may have had a ludicrous premise (blankets are constricting) and it may have put its performers in unrealistic settings (here’s a family sitting around a campfire in Snuggies, thus threatening to start a forest fire!) but it pretty clearly defined the overall purpose of the Snuggie.
The Comfort Wipe? Well …
Scene 1: Close-up shot of roll of toilet paper. Narrator: “For over 100 years, we’ve been scrunching and folding toilet paper.” I mean, this is a brilliant lead-in. What is she talking about? Who the hell has been scrunching and folding toilet paper? Mr. Whipple?* Is this really a problem? But it gets even better. Let’s say it is a problem. Let’s say we want to stop folding and scrunching up toilet paper? What can we do?
Well, then our narrator says, “Finally there’s a better way! Comfort Wipe! The sanitary paper extension arm and holder.” And while she says that, there’s a dramatization of someone, um, scrunching and folding some toilet paper into the Comfort Wipe. So right away … I’m confused.
*I just want to say that on the Charmin Website, there is a FAQs page. Really? There are Frequently Asked Questions about Charmin? I mean, sure, I could see the occasional query — what happened to Mr. Whipple? Did that freak ever get arrested? What the hell are those Charmin bears all about? But FREQUENTLY asked questions? You mean, there was someone at Charmin getting peppered with so many questions that he/she finally said: “Enough! We need to just post the answers on our Web site so I can get some work done around here.”
The narrator continues, calling the Comfort Wipe,“The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s.” I absolutely love this sentence. Toilet paper as we know it. Is there some way we don’t know toilet paper? Is there some sort of alternative toilet paper that is only known by scientists working in Los Alamos? Have they made all sorts of improvements to toilet paper that they simply feel we are not ready for yet?
Plus, how is the Comfort Wipe an improvement to toilet paper? It’s a stick with a suction cup on the end. And this is when you first begin to realize … they’re not talking about “toilet paper.” No, they’re talking about the “toilet paper experience.” They are talking, in the words of Dante, about the “process of removing poop from your posterior.”
The Comfort Wipe can help! “How?” you ask? Well …
Scene 2: Close-up of woman (fully clothed) standing above toilet and showing that, by pressing a button, the toilet paper will dislodge from the end of the stick and fall gently into the bowl. Awesome! Then another close up of said woman — call her Comfort Wipe Babe — and this time she’s touching shoulder with the comfort wipe (is there poop on her shoulder?) and then stretching out her arm, as if she’s trying to change the channel with a remote. Narrator: “It extends your reach a full 18 inches while it follows the contours of your body and comfortably cleans.”
Well, there you go! The Comfort Wipe extends your reach 18 inches and follows the contours of your body and … holy cow, this is disgusting. I have this image in my mind, this horrible image of someone using the Comfort Wipe to, you know, they’re sitting on the toilet and they’re scrunching the paper into the suction cup thing and now they’re reaching back and … oh, wait, the narrator has something else to say.
Narrator: “It’s as easy to use as a shower brush!”
Ewwwwww. A shower brush? Really? That’s the example you’re giving me now? What is this, a John Waters commercial? And sure enough, there’s our Comfort Wipe babe, naked, soaping herself up in the shower with a brush that looks to be roughly the same length and design as the Comfort Wipe she was just using to … I’m serious, I’m going to need therapy if this commercial keeps going.
Scene 3: After an exchange of punts, we move to action later in our commercial — “Think about it,” the Comfort Wipe babe says, “toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting. The Comfort Wipe is a modern solution.” Exactly. Except, I mean, solution to what? As far as I can tell, we’re still supposed to use toilet paper — haven’t really heard any alternatives to toilet paper here. Only now, we’re supposed to put the toilet paper on the end of a stick and … hey, maybe this big guy can help explain.
Scene 4: Big Guy says, “Being a big guy certainly has it’s advantages … and disadvantages.” I have to stop here to point out my admiration for the big guy’s acting; famed big guy Marlon Brando could not have delivered that line with more feeling. Big Guy pauses for a beat after “advantages” — he wants you to think about it, roll it around in your mind. Consider the possibilities of being a big guy! Think about all the great things that could happen for you if you were a big guy too! Eat some pasta! Have that second desert!*
*By the way, I believe I have sat next to this guy on a plane. MANY times. To be fair, he could say the same thing for me.
Big Guy goes on. “This,” he says, as he points at the Comfort Wipe, “is a great product.” And … that’s it. He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t make another appearance in the commercial. What’s that, a cliffhanger? He never gets into what at the advantages of being a big guy. He leaves the disadvantages to your imagination. He never even explains WHY this is a great product. I mean, this is like the ending of “The Empire Strikes Back.” Are they making a commercial sequel later?
Scene 4: Holy cow, Gloria Swanson just showed up. Wow. Haven’t you see that actress, like, 1,000 different times? I think she made more appearances on The Love Boat than Charo. Listen: “It’s embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters,” she says in that awesome black-and-white movie accent. “The Comfort Wipe allows you to maintain your dignity … while you maintain your personal hygiene” Then she says: “I’m ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille.”*
*I’m just not sure I’m getting the whole “maintain your dignity” vibe from an actress who is doing Comfort Wipe commercials.
Scene 5: Then, the commercial repeats itself — literally. We go through the 1880s thing again, the woman dropping toilet paper in the bathroom, the Comfort Wipe Babe extending her arm. This is like the old Batman Show where they used to show the same fight footage week after week.
But then, like only a great commercial can, it takes a sudden turn. We already have been hammered by the “You don’t want to touch icky toilet paper,” theme. And we have been told that it’s good for Big Guys and silent movie actresses. But why should the average person use it?
Why? Because, otherwise you might live a life of pain.
Narrator: “So if you or someone you love suffers from the loss of range of motion …” and while she says this, they show a man and a woman who are cringing in pain. Well, this is a whole new angle. I had not considered the fact that I might injure myself using toilet paper the way they did back in the 1880s. In the words of Shelley, “You might pull a muscle or tear a ligament while swabbing your butt.”
But — and this is yet another thing I love about the commercial — the narrator does not linger on the pain theme. No, she just wanted to bring it up, you know, mention that you could get hurt. But, very quickly, she goes back to the money theme: “Or if you’re someone who just doesn’t want to touch dirty toilet paper.” Yes, don’t be confused, that’s the main reason. The chance to avoid crippling muscle agony is just a side benefit, sort of a bonus.
And speaking of bonuses: The narrator then announces the bonus gift: The “Get a Grip.” This is a handle that you can attach to your bathtub to make it easier to get in and out of the tub. I have to say: This product is incredibly stupid, but it’s WAY better than the Comfort Wipe. No, seriously, it’s like 100 times better. I have absolutely no idea why THIS isn’t the main product in the commercial and the Comfort Wipe given as the crummy bonus gift. It’s possible that these people have no idea what they’re doing.
Update. Sigh. A few brilliant readers point out: The Comfort Wipe is dead.
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What they really need to have is a Comfort Wipe-type device that holds syringes so you’re spared the indignity and discomfort of someone else applying steroid injections into your posterior. Call it the “Comfort Boost” or something like that.
Isn’t this product based on the old joke from The Simpsons when a future obese Bart says “I wash myself with a rag on a stick”?
Hysterical!
Maybe I’m over thinking this, but doesn’t it look like it’s curved the wrong way?
Oh man, I was wondering about the need for the 18″ extension (I mean, really – have people really been walking around with stinky bums all this time because they couldn’t reach!?).
But then the “shower brush” analogy hit home, and I understood: Finally! The over-the-shoulder-ass-wipe. It’s the fresh approach we’ve all been waiting for!
They have truly split the toilet paper atom.
Yeah, I think it is James. Actually, if I had to guess, I’d say this was originally a toilet bowl cleaner, and someone decided it could pinch not just a bowl scrubber but toilet paper.
The sponsorship deals are endless here. Mo Vaughn could be the next pitchman. Mark Mangino could be a featured celebrity testimonial in the commercial. They didn’t think out their casting very well.
What I wanted to know was, what happened in the 1880’s? What was the great breakthrough that no one has been able to improve upon until now? I’ll admit, I was skeptical. I kind of thought they just made the 1880’s part up. I need to apologize for underestimating the Comfort Wipe people. Thank you Wikipedia:
“On 13 February 1883 he was granted patent #272369, which presented a roll of perforated wrapping or toilet paper supported in the center with a tube. Wheeler also had patents for mounted brackets that held the rolls.”
The 1880’s were a magical time.
By the way, I’m no lawyer, but I have to imagine that the second product, which uses what is presumably some very cheap materials to help elderly and infirm people hoist themselves up out of the bathtub, might have a class action lawsuit in its future.
I might get flamed for saying this, but it’s the truth: As Joe was going into some of the more inane parts of the pitch, the ones that really make no sense once you stop to think about them, the ones that prey on people who buy into stuff because someone said that stuff on TV … all I could think about was the higher-profile right-wing media.
Joe, my mother-in-law uses something similar to the “get a grip”. She’s disabled and without it, she would have a very difficult time getting out of the bath or shower. We actually bought ours from a medical supply company. The thing works like hell — it would pull the tiles of the wall before it slipped off.
You go Joe! I saw this yesterday, and thought that they should have shown it in use. Many it comes with an instruction video.
Hate to bring up the dirty imagery, but if the toilet paper is on the end of this Comfort Wipe, how the heck do you get to a clean surface of the toilet paper? There doesn’t seem to be an auto-folding mechanism, so the only way I can think of is to eject the current piece and stick on a new piece, or wipe yourself with the old and dirty piece. It seems mighty inefficient to me.
Anyways, after covering the Snuggie commercial, it seems like you’ve found your second calling as the guy that shows the inanity behind informercials.
I’m thinking it needs to have a bidet attachment. Make it hollow so you can fill it with water, press a button, and tada! You know, so that your continental types won’t feel left out.
it seems like you’ve found your second calling as the guy that shows the inanity behind informercials.
Um, does that really need help in being exposed…?
“For over 100 years, we’ve been scrunching and folding toilet paper.”
Every time they show Comfort Wipe Lady attaching paper to wand, it’s already neatly folded. Then, she proceeds to scrunch the paper into the device. These people have successfully combined folding WITH scrunching.
isn’t there a seinfeld where george talks about how there’s been no change in toilet paper in the last 100 years, and jerry and everyone else talk about double-ply, and all sorts of other stuff
“The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s.”
What a ridiculous premise. Toilet paper has improved. It’s softer. More sheets per roll. Comes in a wide variety of colors.
It’s like these Comfort Wipe people never saw a minute of Seinfeld.
If we did not buy things we do not need, there would be no economy (as we know it, such as it is).
It boggles the mind. I’m imagining standing up from “doing the deed”, bending over and reaching up with this wand and…ugh…what happens when the apparatus is carrying its payload? Are you swinging it around in order to deposit in the bowl? Or do you stand there and take it as an act of faith that it will drop where you want it to? Is there a sequel product to remove accidental streaks from the walls? Maybe that should be the bonus.
This is simply unbelievable.
Come on Joe, you know EXACTLY how you became the kind of writer people ask to expound on the comfort wipe. A man who, ahem, excretes thousands of words on the Snuggie ™ doesn’t get to profess surprise at this development.
Being an expert on absurdist consumerism is not something to hold in–relieve yourself.
Does the comfort wipe do anything for verbal diarrhea?
This is my new favorite infomercial. I showed it to my wife and she had the brilliant suggestion for the makers of this product. They need to make a portable one. You can take it with you everywhere and use it in the public restroom. That would a great infomercial.
Is the fact that this is following the Kyle Farnsworth discussion purely coincidental?
Instantly thought of how Mark Mangino’s life will be improved by this.
Banny Log!
similar toilet-related stupid item…no infomercial, though (sigh)
http://www.japantrendshop.com/pee-without-noise-stool-p-558.html
Ya know, the Romans used sticks.
So it’s only taken ‘em like 2000 years to combine the stick with toilet paper. Kinda like chocolate and peanut butter…
Bad analogy?
Videogum talked about this commercial a couple days ago, and they came to the immediate conclusion that the “Big Guy” is this thing’s only true intended audience. But, you know, no one wants a product whose commercial begins, “Are you too obese to reach your own butt?” so you gotta have some stuff about the miraculous leap in toilet paper technology.
http://videogum.com/archives/commercials/i-think-we-all-know-who-the-co_073731.html
I have seen people (always males, actually) who are sporting earrings that look like unicycle wheels and thus have clearly grossly distended, weird-as-hell-lookin’ earlobes. Why one would let oneself get to this point, I have absolutely zero idea, but I have seen it more than once.
@Gate (#8):
Indeed. And the name of the product is just asking for it; I mean, “Get-a-Grip” is awfully close to “Opti-Grip” if you know what I mean.
I just can’t picture this one.
The guy who created this must have had SOME kind of childhood dream. But I can’t picture him as a child thinking, “One day, I wanna create a product that will change the world! Ooohhh, hey, I’ve got an idea…”
And picture the guy’s mother who is so proud of her son for inventing this product that “changed the world”.
When sumo wrestling popped up on my TV a while ago, and before I could switch channels, my youngest daughter, who had spent quite a bit of time in Japan, informed me that so-and-so, the #1 performer in the sport, had a personal arse wiper among his entourage. It was information I didn’t really need but found it intriguing and, when I looked at the guy, understandable.
This technological advance could cost one little guy his job.
I demand an entire post on the advantages of being a big guy.
Gotta agree with Gate and Jon Morse. I think the sole reason the Get-a-Grip isn’t the main product in this informercial is because it’s probably a disaster waiting to happen, especially if it’s used by Comfort Wipe’s actual target audience – people who are too fat to wipe their own asses.
I would imagine it comes with all sorts of disclaimers and warnings (“Caution! May not actually…you know…work”), which are probably more defensible when they’re applied to a freebie than to a product you paid for.
Between the Body Snake and now the toilet paper stick, I’m starting to think infomercials are less valuable for the products they offer than for what they say about the state of society. Are we really getting too fat to perform routine hygiene tasks? Future generations would shudder if they looked back at early 21st century society and saw those products as being emblematic of our culture.
This is, of course, assuming that there ARE future generations. As we get fatter and fatter, it’s entirely conceivable that people will just wind up eating their young rather than risking the heart attack they’d be likely to have if they tried walking to the cupboard for another crate of Twinkies.
I have to say that the line, “Scene 3: After an exchange of punts…” was brilliant.
Do they make one long enough for Trey Hillman to reach out from the dugout and yank Kyle Farnsworth from the mound? I mean, it’s too late for poor Willie Randolph, but future managers could be spared.
That is so horribly, horribly wrong. I saw a little bit of the Pitchmen show the other day and Billy Mays started going off about Vince the Shamwow guy. It was pretty funny.
Joe, where is the Banny blog? He has had several good starts, but no posts.
“Oh sure, it HINTS at the fact that the comfort wipe helps you, in the words of Tennyson, “wipe your butt after you take a dump.””
Yet another reason to hate my public school education – had I known Tennyson wrote this, I would’ve been a LOT more likely to read poetry.
Check out the book called The Big Necessity by Rose George. You might say it “plumbs the depths” of this issue.
I’d rather use the 3-shells they use in the movie Demolition Man.
Oh don’t see yourself short Joe, maybe Tennyson, Dante and Steinbeck wouldn’t have written about these subjects, but Rabelais would have, and maybe Apuleius and Cervantes too. For that matter, does anyone remember how Gulliver put out the fire in the Lilliputians castle? (a hint, he was a giant in Lilliput and he used a bodily function)
[...] This may be the worst As Seen on TV product I’ve [...]
Joe has now officially made the transition from writing about pop culture to writing about poop culture.
I just don’t think I have room to add another 18 inches to my wiping situation.
(“Hey, a can of Campbell’s Soup! I wonder what that would look if I wore it as an earring!”).
I can’t believe Andy Warhol missed that one.
1. The bonus should be a purse-size telescoping Comfort Wiper. It’s lucky big guy is self-confident enough to carry a pocketbook.
2. The product is intended for people whose ears hang low due to wearing canned goods as earrings. The added 18 inches allow them to circumvent the ear flab.
3. Do not mix products. Using the Snuggie and Comfort wipe together can lead to confusion.
P.S. To the person who wondered what to do when repeat wipes are need. Answer: Replace icky, old fashioned toilet paper with a Sham-Wow.
[...] | No Comments *For the rest of you, I recommend reading Joe Posnanski’s discussion of the Comfort Wipe [...]
To Mike @ #9…maybe you would get flamed if anyone knew what you were talking about. ‘Right wing media’…what country do you live in? But I digress. I don’t think the infomercial was insinuating that you could get injured wiping the old fashioned way. I think they were saying that if you were already injured you could use the Comfort Wipe to help reach where you otherwise wouldn’t be able to. I’ve hurt my back and shoulder a few times and it was hell to try and get some tp between my cheeks. If I had a Comfort Wipe I would have had no problem (yeah right). I might actually buy one of these if it came with an extension so that you could pick up trash off the ground as well.
This begs for the obvious poll question:
over the roll
or
under the roll
Which way does your TP go?
Obviously the answer is neither. It goes wherever I last set it.*
*This statement does not applied to married men.
Obviously a product for the elderly, but they decided to try to market it to a broader audience.
I know a medical supply guy who is bound to a wheelchair who recommended a product like the “Get a Grip.” They actually work really well, if it’s as good as what you can get at Wal-Mart.
Off-Topic: Joe, your email exchange on SI.com with Bill James about pitch counts was great, but much too short. How much editing was done on that piece before it was published? Any chance you have a longer, unedited version you can post here?
Question:
Royals now are 46-32 against NL since 2005. They are what, 244-388 vs AL in that same span.
What are the odds that a .386 team (244-388) would go and win 46 games out of 78 against similarly strong opponents?
Regarding Seinfeld and the improvements to toilet paper technology, I turn to the invaluable Seinfeld Scripts page:
http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheFacePainter.html
George: We discussed toilet paper.
Jerry: Toilet paper?
George: Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn’t changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn’t change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Toilet paper’s changed.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It’s softer.
Elaine: Softer.
Jerry: More sheets per roll
Elaine: Sheets.
Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.
Elaine: Colors.
George: Ok, ok, fine! It’s changed, it’s not really the point.
[...] read Posnanski’s post about the product. My advice is to read his hysterical post BEFORE watching the embedded video…it’s [...]
has anybody seen this one yet? It’s a transcript of a return of a comfort wipe:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/call-center-transcript-of-me-returning-a-comfort-wipe
I have a VERY strong feeling that the Comfort Wipe doesn’t allow you to REALLY get in there and give your ass a good wipe.
WHO THINKS THIS SHIT UP!??? AAAHHHHHHH
[...] pointed me to this post by Joe Posnanski where he gets FIRED UP and spends about 50K words talking about an [...]
[...] [1] Finally, Comfort and Wipe Get Married ” Joe Posnanski [2] COMFORT WIPE [3] Comfort Wipe from TubularGoldmine [4] Comfort Wipe [...]
funny, but you’re missing something – some people really cannot reach their butts. I’ve often wondered what really fat people do, with their tyrannosaurus arms and 600 pounds to reach around. For the range of motion problem, you’re missing the whole idea – the person already HAS range of motion problems, and can’t reach his/her butt. he/she could have frozen shoulder, for example. They’re not saying you GET range of motion problems from reaching your butt, you already HAVE them.