Mow the lawn Friday (Updated 4 p.m.)

Posted: May 29th, 2009 | Filed under: Baseball, Pop Culture | 53 Comments »

A Friday free-for-all … we’ll update throughout the day.

So, like many of you, I put together an iTunes playlist for when I mow the lawn. I actually have three playlists (MowTheLawn, MowingTime and Lawnmowing) but the first two are pretty much disasters. The problem is that I put some of my favorite songs on the first two, but they are definitively not good lawnmowing songs, at least not for me. “Badlands,” just does nothing for me when I’m coming up and down that backyard hill at the end of the mow. “Uncle Walter” lies flat when I’m trying to make the diagonal lines straight in the front yard*.

*My wife likes the diagonal line pattern in the front yard. Who am I, George Toma?

But I think I nailed the third playlist. I doubt that anyone reading has the same musical tastes as me, but just in case, here by trial and error are my 10 best lawn mowing songs — mixing tempos and styles and in order.

10. Cleveland, Luke Doucet and the White Falcon.
9. Vida la Vida, Coldplay.
8. All of Your Love, Hellogoodbye
7. My Ride’s Here, Springsteen
6. Love of Mine, Richard Julian
5. You Don’t Know Me, Ben Folds (feat. Regina Spector)
4. Sequestered in Memphis, The Hold Steady
3. City of Blinding Lights, U2
2. Spaceman, The Killers
1. A Little Less Conversation, Elvis (JXL Remix)

It’s funny, that Elvis remix … I would NEVER listen to that in any other setting but mowing the lawn. There are actually three or four songs on this list that I feel that way about. But man, no song gets me mowing like the King and the remix drums.

* * *

Jeff Francoeur last two years — .241/.289/.356, 14 homers, 92 RBIs, 93 runs, OPS+ 69.

Mark Teahen last two years — .259/.321/.412, 21 homers, 76 RBIs, 88 runs, OPS+ 95.

I certainly hope that Royals general manager Dayton Moore will keep that in mind. It’s well knows, I think, that Dayton LOVES himself some Jeff Francoeur.

* * *

Yes, much needs to be said about THIS — the wearable towel. In case you were wondering, the wearable towel is a complete Snuggie ripoff, down to the touching poem that leads off the commercial (originally written by Thomas Gray, I believe):

You want to stay covered after being wet
But your towel just won’t let!
Robes! Are heavy and hot
And towels with fasteners? I think not.

Yes, you can feel the anguish of the poet. There is one difference, however, between the wearable towel (which, to be clear, is a towel you can wear) and the Snuggie (which is, you will recall, a blanket you can wear). And that difference is, simply, nudity.

Yes, when you start the commercial, you are met with an attractive young woman who, apparently, has never covered herself with a towel. So, she finds herself opening and shutting the towel, sort of the way a — oh, I don’t know — a stripper might. It would be great if they would play the David Rose and his Orchestra The Stripper song while Cha Cha on the screen tries to figure out the complexities of her towel. The beautiful thing is that Cha Cha is wearing some sort of flesh-colored bra, so unless you look close, it absolutely appears she’s naked. And who is looking close at a Wearable Towel Infoco?

After showing a man and a women struggling with their towels — see, it’s a problem for BOTH sexes! — we get to see Cha Cha putting on the wearable towel while sweeping music plays in the background. It is fascinating to me that Cha Cha has so many issues with the universally understood “Wrap towel around body then tuck in,” method, but she seems entirely comfortable with these towel straps. Sure, put one arm in a strap, then put another arm in a strap, then put, wait, put in your right arm in another strap — geez, it’s like putting on a parachute. But Cha Cha makes it look easy as chopping onions with the SlapChop*.

*If I had this on my iPod, it would be a great lawn mowing song too.

Then, the Wearable Towel people go all Snuggie on us by showing us all the things you can do with it on. You can dry your hair! You can shave and look like Emperor Nero! You can go out and get the paper and become the pariah in your neighborhood! You can go to a swimming pool.

And then, believe it or not, they too fall on the “You can hold a baby with it,” thing. I mean, seriously, are there parents of babies all over this great land who find actual CLOTHING constricting? The twist with the Wearable Towel is that they don’t say “You can hold a baby.” They say, “Its ultra-absorbent,” while having a woman (is that Cha Cha?) picking up a naked baby. Ultra absorbent? Are they suggesting that it’s perfect for having your baby pee on you? Because, yeah, that appears to be what they’re saying.

Then the big claim: “What’s TOTALLY amazing is that there are absolutely no fasteners.” Well, that is amazing. I’ve never seen a towel without fasteners before. Who came up with the technology to invent a towel without fasteners? Why aren’t these people working on the issues with the environment?

Apparently, the wearable towel is unisex and can be work in a tunic style or toga style. I wonder how people decide. Hmm, how do I feel this morning … more like Plato going out to break it down with Aristotle or like going to hear Otis Day and the Knights?

* * *

* * *

Brilliant reader Browngoat with the question: What pitcher had the most wins with a sub-.500 record (1901-present):

Here are the Top 10:

1. Bobo Newsom, 211-222, 107 ERA+
2. Bob Friend, 197-230, 107 ERA+.
3. Tom Zachary, 186-191, 106 ERA+.
4. Murry Dickson, 172-181, 110 ERA+.
5. Danny Darwin, 171-182, 106 ERA+
6. Jack Powell, 167-194, 104 ERA+
7. Mike Moore, 161-176, 95 ERA+
8. Bump Hadley, 161-165, 105 ERA+
9. Rudy May, 152-156, 102 ERA+
10. Tom Candiotti, 151-164, 108 ERA+

And, as a bonus, here are the 10 “Luckiest” pitchers by winning percentage (ERA+ of 105 or less).

1. Art Nehf, 184-120, 105 ERA+
2. Alvin Crowder, 167-115, 105 ERA+
3. Jack Coombs, 158-110, 99 ERA+
4. Lew Burdette, 203-144, 98 ERA+
5. Jack Morris, 254-186, 105 ERA+
6. Catfish Hunter, 224-166, 105 ERA+
7. Jamie Moyer, 249-190, 105 ERA+
8. Dave Stewart, 168-129, 100 ERA+
9. Guy Bush, 176-136, 104 ERA+
10. Bob Buhl, 166-132, 103 ERA+

* * *

Thanks to brilliant reader Edward … there is no possible way that this can be real.

No way. No possible way.

53 Comments on “Mow the lawn Friday (Updated 4 p.m.)”

  1. 1: Timmayyyyy said at 10:51 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Joe – we have eerily similar musical tastes. Just got tickets to go see the Hold Steady in NJ.

    You should check out Frightened Rabbit – band out of Glasgow … I can’t stop listening to them. Great for vacuuming or mowing the lawn.

  2. 2: paul said at 10:58 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Be careful with the volume listening to music while mowing the lawn. I used to listen to Rush while using a riding lawnmower, and was always amazed at how loud it was when I turned the tractor off.

  3. 3: Josh in DC said at 11:33 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Now that They have invented wearable versions of things that didn’t need to be worn, the next step is coming up with pieces of clothing that you can’t wear.

    “The sock that doesn’t fit!”

  4. 4: Josh in DC said at 11:34 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Not sure how anyone can watch that ad without commenting on the soundtrack. Specifically, the trumpet call announcing the birth of a new prince, er, the invention of a towel you can wear.

  5. 5: Kelly said at 11:38 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Hellogoodbye is excellent lawn-mowing music.

  6. 6: Paul O. said at 11:38 am on May 29th, 2009:

    I’m with paul in #2. I can’t even think about wearing headphones while mowing the lawn. I’ve already done too much damage to my hearing.

  7. 7: Robert said at 11:39 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Always need more Ben folds, though I don’t know what else to recommend. “Underground” strikes me as a great lawnmowing song, but I haven’t mowed a lawn in approximately 12 years (aside: WOW!) so I don’t know what groove you are looking for. Maybe “Supercop” from one of the EPs, too. Two of my most favoritist Ben Folds songs.

  8. 8: Mikey said at 11:42 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Wow, I didn’t know THS was playing in Jersey. I’ve never even heard of Sayreville. Guess you really can learn something on the internet. See you there.

    Joe, hats off to you for mowing your own lawn despite being a man of letters and a sort-of celebrity. You’re like Andy Rooney taking the bus to Giants games. Man of the people.

  9. 9: Kyle Davidson said at 11:43 am on May 29th, 2009:

    Hey Joe,

    Was hoping you saw this quote from Mike Jacobs in the recent article by Sam Mellinger on Willie Bloomquist.

    “He doesn’t do anything great, but he does a lot of things good,” Jacobs says. “And I’ll take that over a guy who does one or two things great, because he adds a lot to our ballclub.”

    Can’t believe the guy that can ONLY do one thing well (hit for power) would possibly say the one cliche that looks bad on himself. LOL

  10. 10: Ryan said at 11:45 am on May 29th, 2009:

    If we trade for Francouer, I’m burning my Royals hat.

  11. 11: Chris said at 11:53 am on May 29th, 2009:

    TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

  12. 12: Caryn said at 12:04 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    The Starland Ballroom is ridiculously tough to find, and is a very odd venue – long and narrow, with the stage in the middle. the good news is that there are lots of varied vantage points.

    points lost for ‘viva la vida’.

  13. 13: Q said at 12:06 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! Oh Joe, your wearable towel rant has me ROLLING on the floor laughing in the middle of my office. People think I’m going crazy! Amazing!

  14. 14: Jim K said at 12:09 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    “A Little Less Conversation” is my favorite Elvis song but I don’t know the remix you are mowing to. The version on my current play list is a cover by the Boss Hoss, a group out of Munich Germany.

  15. 15: Paul White said at 12:18 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    My guess is that the ultra-absorbent aspects of the Wearable Towel have less to do with the baby peeing on you and more to do with him being soaking wet from a bath in the sink, in which case, yeah, having a towel draped over you is probably a pretty good idea. Why this would have to be a Wearable Towel as opposed to, say, a normal towel, is something I suppose the manufacturers just don’t want us to ask.

  16. 16: Vanessa said at 12:22 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I’m wondering if the weareable towel is good for women who are breastfeeding? Because I have heard clothing is constricting when feeding a baby. And breastfeeding moms always seem to carry around little towels. That was my first thought because I remember some of my friends who hated wearing clothes after giving birth.

    Still, I can’t get past thinking a towel with sleeves is a robe! I haven’t seen the commercial but I was rolling on the floor.

  17. 17: paul said at 12:24 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    us Pauls have to stick together.

  18. 18: Vanessa said at 12:27 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I just watched the commercial. I take back everything I just said about feeding the baby since the towel doesn’t open in the front. Now that I’ve seen it, couldn’t you just cut a couple of holes in towels you already have? That doesn’t even require sewing.

  19. 19: Damon Rutherford said at 12:39 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Damn it, but this backpack they sent me HAS FASTENERS! I want to live a fastener-free life style.

    “Robes are heavy and hot” — To me this is the most ludicrous statement in the video. You’re trying to sell me what is essentially … a robe! Get out of my face.

    Better Than Ezra’s “Desperately Wanting” might be a good lawn mowing song. Presidents of the USA’s “Mach 5″ might do the trick. And, finally, especially if on a riding lawn mower, I suggest Jim Croce’s “Rapid Roy”.

  20. 20: Edwin said at 12:40 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I kinda like the free backpack…

  21. 21: Chuck said at 1:02 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Get some good isolating in-ear monitors (IEMs) like those from Shure as they block out a lot of the sound from the lawn mower and you can listen to your music at a safe volume.

  22. 22: Jeff said at 1:25 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Hey Joe – I’ve been listening to The Hold Steady’s new live album “A Positive Rage” while mowing…I think live albums are the way to go while mowing.

  23. 23: Paul F. said at 1:34 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I just want to throw my support in for the various Pauls above.

    Also, that “rap chop” is remarkable and slightly disturbing. Definitely the kind of thing someone will watch 200 years from now and wonder what was up with people from the 2000s.

  24. 24: SoxfaninKC said at 1:56 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I use noise cancellation headphones. As soon as you put them on, you almost can’t hear the lawnmower at all. Once they’re on and you turn on the radio (I usually mow when I can listen to a ballgame) you can’t hear the mower at all and the volume doesn’t have to be up on the radio even halfway to hear every word of the local AM broadcast.

  25. 25: Brent said at 2:08 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Joe:

    Your list is a little inaccurate on most wins with a sub-.500 record. Jack Powell’s 1897-1900 NL seasons aren’t included, with those he moves up to #1 at 245-254.

    I would assume you would “credit” him with those seasons, unless, of course, you would say Cy Young was 225-146, not 511-316 (only crediting him with post 1900 work as well)

  26. 26: Brian In Topeka said at 2:22 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    If you really want a screwy stat go with ERA+ over win percentage times 200 (To make a 100 ERA+ over a 50% win percentage equal 1), and call it something like luck quotient.

    Bobo Newsome: 107/(.4873*200)=1.10 above one unlucky
    Art Nehf: 105/(.6053*200)=0.87 below one is lucky

    There is greater variability over single seasons versus entire careers.
    Ben Sheets in 2004 would have scored a 1.76

  27. 27: As Luke Wilson said in Bottlerocket: "Ca-Caw!!" said at 2:28 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Am I missing something? I tried a few times to listen to music while mowing but found I had to turn the volume SO MUCH that it was pretty harmful to my ears. So I stopped doing it. Is it normal to listen to music while mowing?

  28. 28: Man in Black said at 2:46 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    OTIS! Otis loves us! Very funny Animal House reference. Mowing while listening to music soundslike a bad idea, our hearing ability is something to be cherished. That said, I am going to try my ipod while mowing tomorrow.

  29. 29: Shayne said at 2:50 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I second SoxfaninKC (#24) regarding the noise canceling headphones. While they don’t remove all of the noise from the mower (at least mine don’t), they do make a tremendous difference. I also have a pair of hearing protectors for using with my power tools with a cable-in jack and a built in radio which work pretty well too. What I really need is the hearing protector to have the noise canceling feature…hmmm, have to see if someone else already thought of that one.

  30. 30: PB said at 2:54 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    as mentioned in a couple posts above…noise cancelling technology takes care of it. and in that case, why in god’s name wouldn’t a body want some music while doing a drudgey chore?

  31. 31: Darren said at 3:05 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Here’s something to random ponder on a Friday late afternoon for you: perhaps Pete Rose is a victim of American moralism? I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit since Joe’s last post on Charlie Hustle, particularly as I was too late to respond to it at the time…the number of sportsmen here in the UK who bet on themselves or their teams would probably blow your mind. The owners of soccer teams used to regularly bet on their teams at the bookies as a sort of insurance to cover the win bonuses that were in their players’ contracts. In one of the most famous cricket matches of all time, the third test match between England and Australia in 1981, two of the Australian players openly placed bets on England to win *in the middle of the match* (England were 500-to-1 against to win, and the Aussies in question simply noted that those were ridiculous odds in a two-horse race) – this was seen as controversial, but when England produced an amazing rally to win, the betting was but a minor footnote and not a huge story. There have been match-fixing scandals in European sport, of course, but gambling is a part of the culture, and people seem to think it’s possible for a sportsman to gamble without automatically being tainted beyind repair.

    I’m no fan of Rose’s and I’m happy for him to remain outside of the HoF, but I thought I’d throw this out there anyway…

  32. 32: Red said at 3:41 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Thanks to the UroClub website, I now know that 1/4 liter is the volume most commonly urinated.

    I used to caddy as a kid. Sure am glad they didn’t have UroClubs back then…

  33. 33: Phil said at 3:56 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    If there’s ever an occasion when we find ourselves golfing, and you really need to go, I’m more than happy to wait two minutes while you walk into the woods. If you instead choose to take out your Uroclub, consider the round over.

  34. 34: Damon Rutherford said at 4:31 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    The Uroclub must be a real product since it has its own YouTube video!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncjYnLgxyCI

  35. 35: Paul O. said at 4:51 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    I’ve never heard of noise cancelling headphones. That must be what motorcyclists use when they’re riding. Must investigate.

  36. 36: Llarry said at 5:27 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    N is for Newsom, Bobo’s own favorite kin.
    You ask how he’s here – he talked his way in.

  37. 37: Guelphdad said at 8:15 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Ah but can you mow your lawn in the wearable towel? and is the Uroclub safe to use while mowing the lawn?

  38. 38: Guelphdad said at 8:20 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    People will buy anything. Just saw an advertisement for Bumpits, nope not what you think, their hair inserts that make the top of your hair stand up higher. They even include a Hollywood Bumpit. See Bumpits.ca of course!

  39. 39: SK said at 10:00 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Um, is that guy in the Uroclub ad wearing a towel with fasteners aroundhis waist?

  40. 40: Letters On Pages said at 10:40 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    You are obviously a big infomercial fan, which is why I recommend reading “BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE” by Remy Stern. It’s a really interesting look at what really goes on in that industry. Unfortunately there is no mention of the Snuggie.

    I wrote a review of the book at http://www.lettersonpages.com/2009/05/but-wait-theres-more-by-remy-stern/

  41. 41: Jim Rockford said at 11:11 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    How about a blong entry/column on Jimmy Gobble’s return to Kansas City?

  42. 42: Mark W. said at 11:36 pm on May 29th, 2009:

    Joe isn’t quite as well-known as we readers of his might think…I was listening to the Yankees radio broadcast tonight and their male “voice”, John Sterling, paid Joe a compliment on his SI article about sports/growing up in Cleveland (the Yanks are in Cletown this weekend vs the Tribe). However, the otherwise uninformed Sterling pronounced Joe’s last name as “Posnarski” and implied that Joe still lived and wrote in Cleveland. Of course, the equally uninformed female “voice” Suzyn Waldman did not correct him. Hard to describe this pair on air except for “shallow” and “unctious.”

  43. 43: Graphite said at 4:32 am on May 30th, 2009:

    If beer and marijuana lead on to whisky and cocaine, does infomercial acting mark the start of a path to porno movies? Any studies been done on this?

  44. 44: Steve said at 4:58 am on May 30th, 2009:

    I want hearing protectors that have the noise canceling feature, but NO FASTENERS. Also they should not be heavy and hot and able to be worn while breast-feeding (you never know).

  45. 45: elon said at 2:10 pm on May 30th, 2009:

    First, I hope you get one of those riding mowers. I cant even think of mowing a lawn without one. So, here is a riding mower set list:

    1- Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan
    2- Pass the Mic – Beastie Boys
    3- I Get Around – The Beach Boys
    4- Summertime – DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
    5- Higher Ground – Stevie Wonder (For the Hill)
    6 – The Theme Song from The Jeffersons
    7 – Our House – Madness
    8 – Once In a Lifetime – Talking Heads
    9- Two Trains – Little Feat
    10 – Bring It On Home – Led Zeppelin

  46. 46: bankmeister said at 2:14 pm on May 30th, 2009:

    Interesting piece, and I have three comments:

    1) During each of the last two week’s mows, I’ve considered putting on my iPod, but I discovered last summer that mowing with a (somewhat) different pattern each time out makes me concentrate on the mow so much that it’s over before I know it. My most recent favorite is to see how far I can take the trace of the patio outline into the back yard before it becomes more effort than it’s worth.

    2) The Rap Chop kicks some serious butt.

    3) Not sure if I’ve ever disagreed with a written J.P. word, but I can now officially say that I’ve been disappointed in that I cannot, for the life of me, understand why anybody on the planet thinks that Ben Folds is worth two squirts into a UroClub. I’d rather mow every yard on my block with a playlist of snorting pugs and police sirens on full volume than listen to half of one of his tracks.

  47. 47: Jon said at 4:31 pm on May 30th, 2009:

    Haven’t read the comments so not sure if somebody has said this already but Bobo Newsome had a very interesting career.

    He pitched for 9 different teams in the majors (which remember at the time was more than half the league) and had something like 7 different stints on the Washington Senators.

    If you look at his BR page he seems to be playing for about 3 teams every year. Ridiculous career and to top it all off he was incredibly unlucky!

    Seems like an interesting fellow.

  48. 48: McKingford said at 5:00 pm on May 30th, 2009:

    Thanks to brilliant reader Edward … there is no possible way that this can be real.

    ie. Uroclub, described at its website as follows:

    The UroClub™ is the discrete, sanitary way for your urgent relief. Created by a Board Certified Urologist, it looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. The UroClub™ is leak proof, easy to clean and no more embarrassing moments.

    I’m not really sure that standing around with a towel covering you while you urinate into the end of a faux-club, and then have to go looking around for a place to dump it out is really that much more embarrassing than standing behind a tree to take a leak. Seriously, what guy is embarrassed about taking a leak behind a tree on a golf course? Far less embarrassing than putting two in the water on the same hole…

  49. 49: Kelly said at 7:42 pm on May 30th, 2009:

    What does a UroClub for women look like? Or do we get our own UroCart – a very special golf cart with a hole under the driver’s seat so while it may LOOK like we’re driving…..

  50. 50: Andrew said at 12:24 am on May 31st, 2009:

    That SlapChop video made my night.

  51. 51: JD said at 11:45 am on May 31st, 2009:

    I’m disappointed to know that our musical tastes are not even a little bit similar. With the exception of Springsteen, I don’t like any of that list (I don’t mind normal Elvis, but I think I would dislike that remix). I’ve never even heard of 4 of those bands.

    I’m too young to be so out of touch with music, but I just don’t get some of the newer bands like Coldplay and the Killers. I’m hoping that time confirms what I suspect about a lot of these groups: they’re really not that good (just relatively speaking), and in 10, 15, even 20 years people will barely remember them.

  52. 52: Antoniomo said at 5:23 pm on May 31st, 2009:

    The UroClub. One more reason I’m glad I don’t golf.

  53. 53: nightfly said at 8:57 am on June 1st, 2009:

    You know, if Ty Webb could just excuse himself and go to the edge of the practice green to answer nature’s call, then why can’t Joe Q Duffer? UroClub? Pshaw, I say. See the ball, be the ball.

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