Official Blog Joke
Posted: May 27th, 2009 | Filed under: Baseball | 36 Comments »
Every blog needs an official joke. I think that goes without saying. So, we’ll take an old joke — a joke so old it has whiskers on it, like they say in The Hudsucker Proxy — add a little twist, and claim it for our own. You can sing along — you’ve no doubt heard it before.
A guy and his dog walk into a bar. Guy tells the bartender, “Look buddy, I’m broke. But, see, this here’s a talking dog. And if you’ll give me free drinks. we’ll give you and your customers some free entertainments.”
Bartender says: “Talking dog, huh? Well, you’ll need to prove that.”
Guy nods, turns to his dog and says, “OK, buddy, tell me, what’s on top of this here bar?”
Dog says, “Ruff.”
Guy says, “Roof, right, there’s a roof on top.”
Bartender stares at the guy and says, “OK, very funny. But really, I’m a very busy man. You can leave now.”
Guy goes, “What? The dog said roof. OK, hey, I’ll give you another one. Buddy, tell me, if a surface is not smooth, what is it?”
Dog says: “Ruff.”
Guy says, “Rough. That’s right. It ain’t smooth, it’s rough.”
Bartender shakes his head and says, “OK pally, you’ve had your fun. Why don’t you and your mutt here get out now before I have my boys here throw you both out.”
Guy goes, “Wait, you mean you’re still not convinced? OK, fine, one more, give us one more chance, we’ll give you the best part of the act. You ready? OK, buddy, here’s the big question: Who is the greatest baseball player in baseball history?”
Dog says: “Ruff.”
Guy says, “That’s right. Ruth! Babe Ruth! The ol’ Bambino. The Sultan of Swat. The best there ever was …”
And before he could even finish, two men grab him, one more grabs the dog and in one motion they both get thrown out on the sidewalk outside. The man is cut up, bleeding, exhausted. The dog walks over and nudges the guy with his nose.
And the dog goes: “Well, I coulda said Willie Mays, but I was going by OPS+.”
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Okay, this may say more about me than it does about the joke, but I found this absolutely hilarious.
Oh yeah… first!
Wait…I always just figured it was The Aristocrats by default
The version I heard was with the greatest Yankee and Joe DiMaggio, but it still gets me every time.
Ha ha. Oh, dear. Here comes the thread of sports jokes. Here’s an awful one my uncle told me when I was a kid.
So this guy is at a baseball game, relaxing and watching the game, drinking in the sights and the sounds. Suddenly, from 30 to 40 rows back, he hears someone yell “Hey Larry!” He turns around, looks up for someone he recognizes, but sees no one, so he focuses his attention back on the game.
A couple minutes later, he hears it again: “Hey Larry!” He cranes his neck backwards, looking up and down the rows and aisles and still doesn’t see anyone he recognizes. Once again, he turns his attention back to the game.
A third time, and this time the call is clarion clear: “HEY LARRY!” He stands up, turns around and yells, “My name’s not Larry!”
I don’t know why this joke cracked me up so much as a kid. But in my impressionable youth, I gathered that a baseball stadium was a place to hang out with uncles who told bad jokes. 25 years later, I’m not sure I’m wrong.
Ha!
I laugh because I buy the story of Joe doing this.
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First heard this joke on the Simpsons, the one when Homer becomes this caustic food critique. Problem is, Lisa is writing his reviews for him but eventually becomes fed up with his insufferable cockiness and quits writing for him.
So Homer is struggling to string together a review in her absence and has to rely heavily on the input of Santa’s Little Helper.
“Let’s see, the bread was…”
“Ruff”
“Good. And I found the vegetables to be…”
“Ruff”
“Yes! And, oh, the steak was just…”
“Ruff”
“Rough!?!? Hey, you’ve been pitching ‘rough’ all night!”
“Chewy?”
Wow! A couple of weeks ago I walked into my kitchen laughing. My bride of 27 years asked me what I thought was so funny. Not a happy question, but one of have you been drinking.
I had actually remembered the dog joke. The old version I heard was Vaudville and a down and out entertainer. The crowd begins to throw tomatoes as the dog gives his ruff answers. My version had the punch line Joe DiMaggio
Dog…You don’t think those nuts think it’s Joe DiMaggio
Small world.
I love the OPS+ twist. Kudos.
Thought I knew where the joke was going then, bam, you throw in OPS+. Brilliant, I really did laugh.
Of course the alternative punchline is:
“Well I coulda said Carlos Beltran but I was going by intangibles”
If this was FJM the punchline would involve the word consistent(cy)
Not a sports joke, but one that takes place in a bar:
Guy walks into a bar, middle of the afternoon, sits down and orders a beer. The place is empty except for the bartender. As he’s sitting there nursing his beer, he hears a voice say, “Hey buddy, nice shirt.” the guy looks around to see who complimented him, but no one is there.
A few minutes later, he hears the same voice say, “Hey buddy, nice pants.” Again, the guy looks around, but no one is there. The place is completely empty except for the bartender, who’s clear down at the other end of the bar. He’s now very puzzled.
Another couple of minutes go by, and the voice says, “Hey buddy, nice tie!” Again the man looks around him, and again he sees no one. Exasperated, he calls down to the bartender, “Hey, did you just tell me you liked my tie?”
“Wasn’t me,” says the bartender. “Must’ve been the complimentary peanuts.”
you know, for kids.
Murphy walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey. Bartender pours them out in a straight line and Murphy starts tossing them back one by one, barely stopping to catch a breath.
“Hey pal” the bartender says “Why don’t you slow down? What’s the rush?”
“You’d drink fast too if you had what I have.” Murphy says
Concerned, the bartender asks “What do you have?”
“Seventy-five cents.”
I saw this joke on Looney Tunes when I was a kid, and, apropos of nothing, remembered it one year in my teens. I told it to my dad, and ever since, at least once a year it seems, we perform the joke over the dinner table, with one of us as the dog. My mom tries to remain unimpressed.
On a trip to the US, the pope visits the coast of New England to enjoy the Atlantic Ocean crashing against the rocky shore. While there, he sees a man in a New York Yankees hat out in the water, calling for help as he’s being attacked by a shark.
Then, out of nowhere, Sully and Murph, wearign Red Sox shirts, come flying up in a speedboat, haul the man in the Yankees hat out of the water, and beat the shark to death.
As the three men come ashore, the pope runs up to them and exclaims “I have always heard of the emnity between fans of the Yankees and Red Sox. But seeing what I have seen today, it renews my hope for all of mankind. Thank you, and God bless you!”
As the pope rides off in his Popemobile, Sully turns to Murph and says “He seems like a really nice guy.”
To which Murph replies “Yeah, but he knows @*#!-all about shark fishing.”
I like to think we can all relate…
Do you like fishsticks?
Lets hope Kanye doesn’t find this thread.
[...] An old joke with a slightly different punchline, but I still like [...]
Mike Milbury and Isiah Thomas crash on a desert island. Milbury has the only food – three packets of peanuts. Isiah has two bottles of water. In order to survive until the rescue party finds them, they each decide on a trade. How do they divide everything up?
Answer – Milbury sends all three packets of peanuts to Thomas for future considerations. Then Thomas buries the peanuts in the ground and waters them with both bottles, in order to grow a peanut tree.
…What, bitter? Me? NAAAAAAAH…
If it’s bar jokes, then I’m going with: A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any duck food?” The bartender replies, “No we don’t have any duck food. You’d want a pet store for that.” The duck walks out.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar. “Got any duck food?” “No, we don’t! Get out and stop asking me for duck food! You get duck food at a pet store.” The duck walks out.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar. Before he can even open his beak, the bartender shouts, “NO, we don’t have any duck food. This isn’t a pet store, it’s a bar. We sell booze, not duck food, and if you ask for duck food I’m gonna nail your beak to the floor. Now get out!” The duck walks out.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar. From just inside the doorway, before the bartender can start his tantrum, the duck calls out, “Got a hammer?” The bartender pauses, thinks a second, and says, “No, we don’t a hammer. You can try the hardware store down the block.”
“Got any duck food?”
Another old classic, this one of the *Insert “Team A” Here* and *”Team B” Here* variety.
Baseball season was starting in New York, so the elementary-school teacher asked her students who their favorite teams were. One by one, each declared their love of the Yankees until one little boy exclaimed, “I’m an Orioles fan!”
Taken aback, the teacher asked, “How did you end up an Orioles fan?”
The boy answered, “Well, my mommy is an Orioles fan, and my daddy is an Orioles fan, so I’m an Orioles fan, too!”
The teacher decided to have a little fun at his expense, and said, “Well then, if I said that your mommy was a moron and your daddy was a jackass, what would you be?”
“A Yankees fan!”
Of course, it gets better the more obscene and disturbing you are willing to make the insults, but I always find it amusing.
Then there’s the Baltimorean who dies and ends up in Hell.
Upon his arrival, the Devil is waiting. “Welcome to Hell. The current temperature is 110 degrees with 95 percent humidity. How do you like it,” he asks, grinning.
The guy hasn’t even broken a sweat. “Meh, I’ve lived through too many Junes in Baltimore to worry about a little warmth,” he says.
So the Devil walks over to his personal thermostat and increases the temperature to 140 degrees and the humidity to a full 100 percent. “What about now,” he asks with a snicker.
The guy starts sweating a little. “Still no worse than Baltimore in July.”
The Devil, getting upset, increases the temperature to well over 200 degrees and, unbelievably, 150 percent humidity. He growls, “What about now, you pompous little…”
“This has nothing on those August days in Baltimore,” he says, now sweating and shirtless.
The Devil, having enough of this, spins the thermostat down to below zero. Hell instantly freezes over.
He turns back around to find the guy jumping up and down and screaming incoherantly. He walks over to see what the fuss is about and hears the guy exclaim…
“THE ORIOLES WON THE WORLD SERIES!”
Probably works for Kansas City and the Royals, too, so I’m sure you’ve heard it more times than you wish to acknowledge…
This was a Looney Tunes cartoon in the 50s or 60s, and I remember it well. After they get kicked out of the bar, the dog turns to his owner and says, “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?”
But my all time favorite joke (a bit long) goes like this. A Polish man is walking along the beach when he spots an old bottle. He picks it up, brushes it off, and a genie appears!
“You have released me from my ages long captivity! For that, I will grant you one wish a day, for three days. What is your first wish?” The man thinks for a bit, and then says, “May the hordes of Mongolia rise out of the mists of time, ride here from Mongolia, sack Warsaw, then ride back to Mongolia and the past where they belong.”
“Not the strangest wish I’ve ever had to grant, but it’s odd. Still, you’re the master.” And the Mongol horde rode out the mists of time to modern Warsaw and sacked that ancient city, leaving it a smoldering ruin. The man smiled.
The next dawn, the genie appeared to the man. “What is your wish today, oh benefactor?” And the man said, “May the Mongol hordes ride out of the mists of time to sack Warsaw.”
“Really, dude?” asked the genie. “You don’t need to repeat the wish. I could give you money, women, anything.”
“May the Mongol hordes – ” “Okay, okay, I got it. Looting, pillaging, sacking, all the atrocities, here you go.” And the Mongol horde rode out of the mists of time, sacked Warsaw, and rode back to ancient Mongolia. No stone stood on stone; Warsaw was obliterated.
The next dawn, again the genie appeared. “May the hordes of Mongolia – ”
“Look, I’ve granted some silly wishes in my time. There’s an Irishman with three eternally full bottles of the finest single malt Irish Whiskey, for example. And I like you – I promise I’ll give you what you want, not screw you up with a stupid pun with inebriated cats or miniature musicians.”
“I wish that the Mongol hordes – ”
And so it was that just a huge smoking hole remained where Warsaw used to be. And the genie asked, “I’ve got to know. You seem like a reasonable guy. You’re Polish. Why have the horde sack your beautiful capital city three times?”
And the Polish man smiled, and said, “To get here and back three times, that horde had to ride across all of Russia six times.”
I always heard..
Bartender: Who is the Yankees all time leader in extra base hits?
Dog: Ruff
BArtender: Get out yada yada yada
Dog: “Who was it? DiMaggio?”
DJ #23 –
Your “hell freezes over” joke reminded of what I still think is one of the great game report ledes of all time. I believe the author was Shirley Povich (Maury’s father), who was a helluva sportswriter in his day.
Anyway, after Don Larsen pitched his perfect game in the ‘56 World Series, his column began:
“Well, it finally happened. Hell froze over.”
Man, if I could have come up with that, I would have retired and rested on my laurels for all eternity.
a little long – but every bit as ‘ugh…no, wait a little funny’
A man walks into a bar and sees that everyone appears to be about their own business except one man sitting alone at a table. He walks up to the table and says with a thick irish accent ‘excuse me, is this seat taken?’ the man hears his accent and says ‘no, are you from Ireland? Let me buy you a pint.’
They have a pint and chat and the first man says, so you’re from Ireland as well, what city?” “I’m from Cork” “You’re from Cork? I’m from Cork – let me buy you a drink”..and they have another…as they get to drinking and talking they find they’ve lived in the same city, gone to the same bars, attended the same catholic school and both knew a certain young lass…and for each they have had a pint…
at this point a regular at the bar walks into the now nearly empty bar looks around and walks up to the barman…”Hey, anything going on in here tonight?”
“Not much,” the barman replied. “The O’Mally twins are drunk again.”
Three moles live in a hole in the ground in the country. One day, Papa mole goes scurrying to the top of the hole, sticks his nose out, and exclaims, “Ooooh, I smell bacon.”
Mama mole goes scurrying over, sticks her nose out, and says, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes.”
Baby mole scurries over, but he can’t stick his nose out because the other two are in the way. “All I smell is mole asses.”
A piece of string walks into a bar. He bellies up and orders a beer. The bartender refuses, says “we don’t serve your type here” and asks the piece of string to leave.
Next day, the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender, more curtly, tells the piece of string to get out, as they don’t serve his kind here. Dejected, the piece of string leaves.
The next day, the piece of string walks into the bar again. The bartender has had it, bellows that WE DON’T SERVE YOUR KIND HERE and gives the piece of string the bum’s rush out into the street.
The piece of string, miserable, walks right into traffic, gets run over several times, and ends up in the gutter, muddy, twisted, beat up, starting to fall apart, and with a big knot right in his middle. And he realizes that he is totally unrecognizable!
He walks back into the bar and sits down. The bartender gives him the eye, but he’s not certain, and asks, “aren’t you that piece of string I keep throwing out?”
The piece of string replied, “No — I’m a frayed knot.”
Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about to hit a shot and said, “Hey Moses, watch this! Just like Tiger Woods!”
Moses said, “Jesus, you can do anything, don’t try to be like Tiger Woods.”
Jesus said, “No, just like Tiger!”
Well, Jesus hit the ball in the water so Jesus asked Moses to retrieve the ball. Moses parted the water and got the ball. This continued for about 15 minutes. Finally, Jesus hit the ball in the water for the 7th time. “Please get my ball for me,” Jesus asked Moses.
Moses said, “No, I told you to quit trying to be like Tiger, so I’m not getting it this time.”
So Jesus walked across the water, reached down and got his ball. While he was doing this, a couple of kids rode by in a cart and said, “Who does he think he is? Jesus?”
Moses said, “No! He IS Jesus, but He thinks he’s Tiger Woods!”
Person A: You know that there’s baseball in the Bible?
Person B: Really? Where?
Person A: Genesis 1:1. “In the big inning…”
A man at a ball game goes into a bathroom stall. On it, someone had written “Jesus is the answer”. Below that, someone had added, “But what is the question”. The next game, he goes back to the same stall – the same two things are written, but someone has added one more: “Who was Felipe and Matty’s younger brother?”
[...] blog needs an official joke according to Joe Posnanski, so I’ve taken a page out of his book and I’m pleased to present you with the official Capitol [...]
Hahahahaaha….. i liked that peice. Really hilarious one.
I seen this cartoon when I was a kid and subsequently named my first Dog DiMaggio because of it. Does anyone know of a website that has the cartoon on it or where I can buy a caopy of the cartoon. I only seen it the one time but would like to show it to my kids.
Sam