Tyler, Ingle and Quinn. Oh my.
Posted: October 23rd, 2008 | Filed under: Other Sports, Pop Culture | 89 Comments »
Sometimes, you just have to stop and appreciate just how awful things have become*. It is unfortunate for me, but I’ve had to do that a lot in my life as a sports fan and writer. I had to appreciate just how bad those late 1970s Cleveland Indians teams were; you know those Indians were so cheap and cash-strapped they actually refused to put an air conditioner in the home clubhouse. The Indians gave Wayne Garland a big contract, at least at the time, and Garland personally bought air conditioners for him and his teammates because, as he eloquently explained, “It was bleeping hot.”
*Speaking of awful … I’m not entire sure about the full legalities but I’m almost certain that, under Patriot Act laws, the Backstreet Boys are to be deported after that national anthem they sang before Game 1 of the World Series. At least I think it was the national anthem. Wow. That was the worst I ever heard. I appreciate that everyone wants to put a special spin on The Star Spangled Banner — make the song their own, as they say — but there have to be a few boundaries, you know, like maintaing at least some vague connection to the tune and not turning our nation’s song, written as the bombs exploded at Fort McHenry, into “I’ll Never Break Your Heart.” I don’t think that I’m being reactionary either. I kind of thought the Backstreet Boys should be deported BEFORE they sang the national anthem.
I had to appreciate the sheer comic awfulness of the Ted Stepien-owned Cleveland Cavaliers, a team so incompetently run that NBA officials finally decided they could not allow the Cavs to make any more trades. A team that regularly featured “Fat Guy Who Eats Beer Cans,” as halftime entertainment. I’ve written this here before, but my favorite ted Stepien moment did not directly involve the Cavaliers but instead a professional softball team he owned. He decided to promote the team, he would drop softballs from the top of Terminal Tower, Cleveland’s tallest building, and see if someone could catch it. In the process, he bashed a car and broke a woman’s arm. That is pretty much how he ran the Cavaliers too.
I had to enjoy the brutal incompetence of the 1990s Cincinnati Bengals. I wrote columns about that team for three years, and in those three years I saw many astonishing things. My two favorites are:
1. The time a Bengals punt returner fair caught a ball … at the 1-yard line.
2. The time the Bengals purposely got back-to-back delay of game penalties. They were trying to run out the clock, even though there were like 11 minutes left in the game or something. That was a beauty and gave me a bit of information I did not know: If you take back-to-back delay of game penalties, you will get flagged for 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct. I did not know that and neither, apparently, did Bengals coach Dave Shula. The Bengals lost the game, of course.
I have, for a dozen years now, tried desperately to appreciate the horror of the Kansas City Royals. I have kept a list in my mind of all the astoundingly bad things I have seen the Royals do, and I can recite them now the way my daughters can recite every character in High School Musical. Climbing the wall on a ball that lands on the warning track. Falling off first base on a pickoff play. Running to the dugout while a fly ball drops behind them. Throwing a baseball into a teammate’s face. Being the relay man and getting hit in the back by the throw. Having the first player in the game bat out of order. Dropping a soft infield pop-up and allowing a runner to score from second. Fighting the tarp and losing. Trying (and failing) kick the ball back to the infield. And so on. You laugh so you won’t cry. You mock so you won’t quit.
All along, the Kansas City Chiefs defied mockery and laughter. That was the doing of Carl Peterson (1989-to-present), who as the Chiefs general manager always managed to put a team out there that would not embarrass anybody. There were even times that his Chiefs were quite good . There was 1997, when the Chiefs went 13-3 and had some sort of amazing defensive run where they did not allow a touchdown in the second half for, like, 10 straight games or something. There was 1995 when the Chiefs also went 13-3 and had a dominant defense and great special teams. There was 2003 when the Chiefs went, yes, 13-3 and had one of the great offenses in NFL history — that was the year that Priest Holmes scored 27 rushing touchdowns. Of course, the Chiefs lost their first playoff game every one of those years, but that’s not the point, not today.
No, the point is that even when the Chiefs did not go 13-3, they were relatively competitive. From 1989-2006, the Chiefs never won fewer than six games (and they won six that only once). They were always right around .500 — sometimes a game or two over, sometimes a game or two under, but Carl had a knack for putting Band-aids on wounds, and Arrowhead was such a tough place to play, that it seemed the Chiefs would sort of coast in mediocrity forever and ever, Amen.
But, as any parent knows, sooner or later your run out of Band-aids. And now, the Kansas City Chiefs are — and I believe this is saying something — the single most dysfunctional sports team I have ever been around. This may surprise some of you who do not follow the Chiefs at all and just sort of view them like you’ve always viewed them … as this somewhat vanilla and nondescript team in the heartland that has Tony Gonzalez, who is on your fantasy football team*.
*And why don’t throw the football to him anyway?
So, let me fill you in very quickly.
Quarterbacks: The Chiefs quarterbacks are, in order, Tyler, Ingle and Quinn. You will say now: What are their first names? No, those ARE their first names. Tyler Thigpen is the starting quarterback and, as Joe Biden would say: Bless his heart, but he’s indescribably awful. He’s reasonably athletic, which is good, but I’m not exaggerating one bit when I tell you that he will routinely miss his target by 20 feet. I’m not saying he’s inaccurate, but the only reason he is completing 42 percent of his passes is because, occasionally, he will miss his intended target by SO MUCH, the ball will be caught by another receiver who happened to be trolling the area in case of emergency, sort of like Pete Rose being there when Bob Boone dropped that foul pop-up. The reason Thigpen has only thrown four interceptions is because defensive backs who are nowhere near the premeditated receiver (and are sometimes not even in the game) suddenly and unexpectedly find the ball hitting them in the chest.
And Tyler Thigpen is the STARTER, which tells you all you need to know about backup Ingle Martin. Of course, Ingle Martin was a backup pretty much his whole college career too, so the Chiefs knew what they were getting here. The Chiefs just signed Quinn Gray who — and this shocked me — actually started four games for the Jacksonville Jaguars. I usually have at least heard of guys who started in the NFL. Quinn Gray had a remarkable three months with the Houston Texans earlier this year. He got signed on March 24, which you will note is well before training camp begins. He was released on June 9, which you will note is ALSO well before training camp begins. I’m not sure what the guy could have done in those three months that would have gotten him released — his OTAs must have been AWFUL — but I will say that he should fit right in.
Running back: The Chiefs most expensive and prominent player is probably Larry Johnson, at least when he’s not being charged with assault and missing team meetings, which seems to be his full-time job these days. The Chiefs signed Larry Johnson to a huge deal before last season, even though he was still under contract. They did this, apparently, because Larry Johnson really wanted the Chiefs to give him a lot of money. Makes sense. Johnson was deactivated last week, he will be deactivated this week, and it looks like the NFL is about to slap him with a suspension for being a bad guy. In anticipation, he offered a apology that included this rather-difficult-to-diagram sentence:
“I can’t speak any further on the legal issues at this time other than to say that the truth will come to light and promise not only to the fans, not only to teammates, players, coaches, GMs and my own family, that I do anticipate seeking help to get better as far as getting my life on track and knowing what I want out of this life, not necessarily football, and just work on, as hard as I can, not only being a good football player, but obviously being a son of the National Football League, a son of my own family, hopefully a brother, a father and a future husband.“
Tight end: Tony Gonzalez is certainly the Chiefs most accomplished player, and one of the NFL’s most high profile players. He has set all the tight end receiving records now. He has been in television commercials, he has worked with Oprah, he has been on magazine covers, he has been with the Chiefs since the beginning of his career, 1997. And he can’t put up with this anymore. He has played for four coaches with the Chiefs. He has never won a playoff game. He has watched the team deteriorate around him. He’s about to go out of his mind. So in the middle of the year, he went up to Carl Peterson and asked to be traded out.
Now, to be honest — and it’s established how much I like Tony — I think the correct response from Carl would have been this: ”Um, no Tony. We cannot trade you now. We can’t get enough for you, plus the team is going in the toilet. I appreciate you want to play for a winner, and I promise you that during the off-season I will do everything in my power to make that happen. But the year has begun, we’re in a lot of trouble here, we’re trying to get better, we have paid you a lot of money, and we need you here.“
But that’s not what Carl said, apparently. No, Carl did the second-worst thing a GM can do in that situation. He told Tony that he would try to trade him. I have no doubt in my mind that Carl’s heart was in the right place. He was trying to help out Tony Gonzalez. But this was an awful decision. Word leaked out, of course, and now every general manager in the NFL knew that Carl had no choice but to dump Tony Gonzalez. So other GMs — rightly so — offered in trade whatever they could find in their pockets. ”Hey Carl, I’ll give you a slingshot, a couple of stickers and a Chet Lemon baseball card for the most prolific pass-catching tight end in NFL history. What do you say? Oh, I’ll throw in a half packet of Now and Laters.“
Now, you say: Wait, if that’s the second-worst thing a GM could do, what’s the worst? Glad you asked. The worst: Promise a player you will try to trade him and then FAIL TO TRADE HIM. Now, Tony Gonzalez is stuck on a terrible team, and the terrible team is stuck with him. Um, that’s a bad situation. really bad. Sure there have been team meetings to clear the air. And the Chiefs have prattled on about how Tony is a pro, and the team knows he’s a pro, and everyone will get along fine. Yeah. Tony is a pro who asked to be traded. The team knows he’s a pro who would rather be just about anywhere else. Feelings may get shoved down below the surface, but everybody fully understands the reality here. This is how you make a bad team a laughingstock.
Defensive coordinator: Gunther Cunningham was once head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs. He was fired. More than that, he found out about his firing late at night when he was surfing the Internet. The firing sent him into a terrible depression cyclone, which is perfectly understandable. He had worked all his life to be a head coach, and then he got treated like junk mail. He went to Tennessee to coach and rebuild himself and his career. He did just that. And then, after three years, he … came back to Kansas City to be defensive coordinator for the man who had replaced him as head coach.
Does this strike anyone as being healthy?
There are a million Gunther stories, but I suspect that you can deduce all you need from this: Last week, Gunther Cunningham announced that, from now on, he would do his defensive coordinator duties from the sideline. This has been a constant dance for Gunther ever since he came back to Kansas City. Should he coach from the booth, where he can see all the action? Or should he coach from the sidelines where he can get in players grills? Decisions. He has gone back and forth on this so much it has become like one of those old sitcom cliffhangers*.
*I remember one Good Times where the cliff-hanger involved someone coming close to falling down an elevator shaft. The action froze just as the person — who was not a major character, and, for some reason, I recall being deaf — was about to fall in. I remember frantically waiting all week to see what would happen. And then, the show began, and just as the person was about to fall, some character came in and saved the day. The whole thing took like 12 seconds. That was a ripoff.
This past week, Cunningham decided he would go to the sidelines. This would provide inspiration! This would change the culture of the team! It was all very exciting. The Chiefs responded by allowing a team-record 332 yards rushing.
There is more, so much more, like the Chiefs utter inability to find a kicker who can, you know, make field goals, and Herm Edwards’ various post-game quotes (“We don’t really have any strengths”), and the rather amazing fact that Carl Peterson has now been running the Chiefs since Ronald Reagan was president … longer than the Simpsons have been on television.
And really all you can do is shake your head and raise your glass and offer up the Buddy Bell toast. The toast — inspired by a quote from former Royals manager Buddy Bell — goes like so: Enjoy what you have. Because, even when it seems unlikely, things can always get worse.
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I was listening to the beginning of the World Series on my way home from work when they announced that the Backstreet Boys would be singing the national anthem. I put my finger on the dial but didn’t turn it just yet. Then when they sang the first two lines, I pushed the button so hard I might have broken my radio.
Way to do a big thing badly there, Rays.
Clearly, Jeff George is the answer.
And not just as the Chiefs’ quarterback. He could sing the national anthem before Game 2. He was a great singer in high school, and, even now, he sings louder than practically everyone else.
I think the recent downturn in the Chiefs’ fates to below mediocrity can be traced to whomever decided to hire Herm Edwards away from the NY Jets. Whenever you have a coach that always deflects any responsibility for losing away from himself (a la Denny Green) and puts it on the players, no matter how correct or incorrect that might be, it causes problems and turmoil within the team. It’s really, really (Super!) hard for a team to rally around a coach like that.
The Chiefs may as well hire the kids from “Madden Nation” to be their play-callers on offense and defense. They’d still suck on ice, but they’d be much more entertaining. Reverse to Gonzalez, who throws downfield to Thigpen, who runs a hook-and-ladder to Jamaal Charles, who throws a cross-field lateral back to Gonzalez (a la the Music City Miracle)? Why not! It would take 35 seconds and lose yardage (sort of like every Chiefs drive), but we’d see it on SportsCenter four thousand times, and that’s saying something nowadays.
If not for the Broncos the Chiefs would be riding a 15 game losing streak and not even held a lead at any point in any game in 8+ games. Pretty amazing territory.
The 207 rushing yards per game allowed by the Chiefs is 40 yards a game more than the next worst team(Lions)!!!!! KC is last in defensive rushing yds, yds per carry, rushing first downs, rushing TDs. They’ve allowed 14 runs of 20+ yards! Only two other teams have allowed more than HALF that many, the Rams and our beloved Broncos at 9 a piece. The Chiefs defense has recorded 3 sacks in 6 games!!!!!!!!!! Opponents have attempted fewer passes against KC than any other team, but I’m not using “they suck” as an excuse for sucking.
Obviously the 3 sacks in last in the league, I’m not going through the gamelogs to find the three sacks, but it wouldnt surprise me if they were products of semantics with a qb attempting to get to the l.o.s. or falling on a muffed snap or simply falling asleep midplay because the Chiefs were boring him.
Offensively they’ve been offensive. Only Seattle has fewer passing yards. Baltimore is the only other team with twice as many interceptions as passing TDs. Despite the 33 point floodwater game against the Broncos the Chiefs are last in the NFL in scoring at 12.5 pts/game, thanks to 42 points in the other five games(18 of those points occured after the other team put in their backups and the Chiefs scored points once the game was well out of hand). No team has fewer than the 8 TDs KC has this year, though Lendale White and Reggie Bush have both matched it. Only Indy and Miami have fewer than the 7 field goals, but they each have 15 TDs to offset their poor FG production.
Every level of this organization has failed. Joe is right, its gonna get worse before it gets better.
I have two solutions for your Chiefs woes. One is a recommendation. The other is a fact.
1. Matt Millen isn’t employed right now.
2. Tyler Thigpen needs more weapons.
As a boy in Nebraska I got hooked on the Chiefs. As an adult serving in the Air Force I’ve move a great deal and had opportunities to latch onto a new team. I’ve always passed on those opportunities–I’ve always viewed fandom as a one shot deal, you pick a team and stick with that team come what may. Can’t respect a guy who changes teams willy-nilly. That, my friends is a flip-flopper.
Anyway, living in Northern Florida (for now) I got to see what Joe called “the least anticipated NFL game in history”, Chiefs at Falcons. That pretty much killed any interest in the Chiefs for this year. Well that and the home loss to the Raiders. But now, I can’t look away. This whole train wreck dynamic is mesmorizing. Will the fan in section 15, Row 43, seat 3 get to play QB next week? Tune in and find out! My wife is Broncos fan and even she laughs at the mess that is the Chiefs–and we actually beat them. Although scientists at NFL Labs still can not explain how.
I’m pretty sure Quinn Gray played against the Chiefs while he was in Jacksonville… actually, I think he played against the Chiefs on just about the last good day the Chiefs have had, the last day of the season a couple years ago when they won to barely make the playoffs, thanks to everyone else blowing it. So Chiefs fans should have very fond memories of Quinn Gray, it woudl seem.
I have really enjoyed your stories about the Cavs. It’s a shame you didn’t write a book about them.
I have a friend who is a Chiefs fan. I feel really awful every time I see him. I want to give him a hug.
If a Youtube video compiling those Royals gaffes doesn’t already exist, someone needs to create one ASAP. That’d be hilarious.
Didn’t the Chiefs give up draft picks for Herm, even though NY was thinking of getting rid of him? Not 100% sure about this…
The thing that is really ticking me off is that the other teams have started playing us in street clothes. That just adds insult to injury.
Please note that Quinn Grey was available… that means he’s wasn’t even good enough to be someone’s third stringer.
The worst Halloween Treat bar non is getting at Almond Joy.
The crappy thing about Halloween candy is that the best stuff (the homemade stuff) can’t even be eaten because you’re never sure what the person put in it. I remember getting homemade chocolate chip cookies once and thinking what a tragedy it would be when my mom made me throw them away later. What a society we live in…
Now and Laters aren’t even a pixiefood. Man, were those things terrible.
You’re easily my favorite sports writer, but I can’t imagine any fan base wanting you to become the beat reporter for their team. The teams you cover don’t tend to have a lot of success.
A link to the National Anthem last night. Ugg… just look at the user comments…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOoNgzZZLEA
I’ll agree with you as far as the “spin” that the Backstreet Boys put in the Anthem. It was pretty bad. However, in terms of technical proficiency, it was easily one of the best I’ve ever heard before a baseball game. They may produce horrible music, but they certainly are talented vocalists.
I think the entire team needs to wear Gunther Cunningham yellow-tint shades. That’ll do the trick.
This season is awful, yet Joe I must say, any Chiefs fan who thinks this the worst the Chiefs have been just isn’t old enough to remember two distinct periods of awful, now remembered as the Jimmy Carter years and the Iran Contra years.
The first time period came right after the Hank Stram era. Hank Stram was an innovator and a heck of a commentator. He also was loyal to a fault (Think George W. Bush here). So his guys were his guys, even when they got so old that they no longer were any good. So what once was a great defense aged and aged until they were awful. So awful that in 1976, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead 45-0. That day, Lynn Swann and John Stallworth and Franco Harris made Willie Lanier, and Buck Buchanon and all the famed Chiefs defenders look really, really, really old.
So they pretty much retired en masse and then the Chiefs had the worst defense you will ever see. So bad, in fact, that Marv Levy, a very smart man, decided that the best way to keep teams from killing the chiefs week in and week out would be to run the Wing-T offense. This would keep the Chiefs on the field as long as possible (with the most boring NFL offense you will ever see) so that the other teams couldn’t torch the defense quite so easily. It worked, the Chiefs’ lowest rushing total that year was 92. The highest total was 267 on Opening Day, when they rushed 69 times!!!!! That is a post 1948 record, btw. (come to think of it, maybe Herm should try this) Anyway, Marv was a smart guy, they drafted some decent players over the next couple years and got back to some respectibility. But 1976-1978 was a very low point for the Chiefs. (5-9, 2-12 and 4-12)
But I think 1987-1988 was worse, mostly because the Chiefs had the talent to be decent those years. They made the playoffs in 1986 under John Makovic and then had a winning record in 1989, Marty’s first year. But in between, with the worst head coach ever, Frank Ganz, they were awful. So despite the fact that they had Deron Cherry, Albert Lewis, Kevin Ross, Carlos Carson, Stephon Paige, Christian Okoye and other talented players, they went 4-11 and 4-11-1. It is just frustrating that they wasted two years of very good players with a crap coaching staff.
Those of us old enough to remember those Chiefs’ teams were willing to cut King Carl and Marty some slack for always failing in the playoffs and even cut King Carl some slack since because, well 8-8 or 9-7 is a lot better than running an offense without a wide receiver because your defense is historically awful.
But I admit, that this year has me convinced that King Carl has to go.
If the other team left the field, how many downs would it take for the Chiefs to score?
Andrew-Yes they did. A 4th round pick, with a 50% increase in salary to get a coach that was going to be fired anyway. Or to put it another way, after Carl botched the Gonzalez “trade”, one pick lower than they could have gotten for Tony. Let that soak in.
Before last night, some 17 year old senior at Blake High School (a local HS) had been playing the National Anthem on a saxophone before the games and he was awesome. I mean really good. But MLB told the Rays they couldn’t use him and they needed a bigger star. Terrible. Selig mucks up everything. Even our National Anthem.
I remember that ‘97 team with great fondness. (Sigh…) The playoff game against the Broncos I thought they played tight, and poorly (offensively, at least), but I thought then (and think now) that they deserved to win that game and but for a couple of lousy calls they would have. All of which made me more bitter, which takes some doing. And then to see the team fall apart in ‘98… (Sigh)
I knew this year would be tough, but I didn’t expect this. I do think, however, that Herm is an excellent talent evaluator and I hope he gets a couple of more years. Good talent makes for good coaches. Peterson… bleh.
I voted Candy Corn, however, my wife tells me that my mother-in-law, who is a retired Chicago Public School teacher, gave out pencils one year to kids. Needless to say, her house wasn’t all that popular to visit for the neighborhood kids.
This post did the what I heretofore thought impossible: it made me feel (somewhat) cheerful about the Cincinnati Bengals. Yes, they’ve been 0-7 seven times since 1991 (only 11 other instances IN THE ENTIRE LEAGUE during that time). Yes, they have only three full-time scouts employed. Yes, they have a sub-.350 winning percentage in the last 17 years. But they at least have Carson, Ryan and Jordan as quarterbacks.
Those ARE their first names.
Maybe the six of them can get together and form “The Backfield Boys” and do the National Anthem?
Never mind. I’m not cheerful about the Bengals anymore…
I hate the fact that I am going to defend the Backstreet Boys. I can’t stand their music, but I don’t see what the problem was with the performance. I will take their vocal ability any day of the week versus the majority of the poorly sung traditional renditions.
The Chiefs are far worse than its quarterback situation.
Defenders can’t tackle.
The offensive (in more ways than one) line can’t block.
The kicker can’t score (probably off the field as well as on)….
But I kinda like the punter, albeit it’s because he gets more playing time than most other players
I don’t need to look up the sacks we got. I know who did it.
Derrick Johnson has 2.
Alfonso Boone (a backup d-lineman) has 1.
Or at least I think it was Boone. it’s a backup regardless. Our starting D-Line has 0 sacks.
Eighteen years ago, I moved to Arizona. To this day, I still have not paid money for anything with a Cardinals logo. I want to be a fan, but they make it so hard. In the meantime, I have watched the Patriots I grew up watching (who regularly went 2-12 or 2/14 between playoff appearances) become so good as to become as hated as the Cowboys, and I have purchased a share of the Green Bay Packers. But no great love for the Arizona (Caution: may contain football-like substance) Cardinals.
CallawayDan, be thankful you avoided “going native”. In 1975, after my father retired from the Navy, we returned to Rhode Island (where we’d been a couple of years before). I was 10, and the Red Sox were on a roll, with Rice and Lynn as rookies, and a World Series appearance (Hey Joe, don’t you think someone should write a book about those Reds?). I was hooked. I still blame umpire Larry Barnett for the non-call of interference when Ed Armbrister *stopped* in front of Fisk. I was watching in 1978 when Bucky Dent earned his middle name… The only thing that saved me in 1986 was that I was in college and not paying attention. 2004 came as a *huge* relief….
The Chiefs have become the answer to my fantasy teams starting DEF. I just scour the waiver wire for whosoever is playing the KC.
Of course, they’re gonna hafta keep this up for about a decade to compare with the Bungles of old.
Okay, I missed the start of the game last night, so I didn’t see the Backstreet Boys. Just caught it over on YouTube for the first time, and….
That sucked. It sucked hard. It was a sonic affront.
If this represents the best musical talent from the Tampa Bay area, then they should forever be disqualified from hosting a major sporting event where some local must sing the national anthem. Alternatively, they must agree to import musical talent for the event.
I see no other options.
Joe — Not that it really matters, but Ingle Martin started for three seasons at Furman, a pretty good program in the FCS ranks. He started the first four games at Florida as a true freshman before giving way to Chris Leak, saw the writing on the wall and peaced out at the end of the season. Either way, he still sucks.
Being a Kansas City fan is really depressing right now. I don’t know how long I can continue to support these “teams”.
…the Backstreet Boys should be deported.
“Look, I’ve got certain information, certain things have come to light, and uh, has it ever occured to you, man, that given the nature of all this new stuff, that, uh, instead of running around blaming me, that this whole thing might just be, not, you know, not such a simple, but uh…you know? I got the information. New stuff has come to light, man. SHE SPIT ON HERSELF! I’m saying she needs the money, and of course she’s gonna say she didn’t do it ’cause she wants more, man, she’s gotta feed the monkey. I mean, hasn’t that ever occured to you, man…sir?
- Larry Johnson
This has been one postseason to remember.
First, TBS’ blunder of their coverage of Game 6 of the ALCS, which, I suppose, was partly an act of God — a power outage — and partly self-inflicted — “The Steve Harvey Show.”
Second, the decision to have the Backstreet Boys do whatever they did to the National Anthem before Game 1 of the World Series. That was, well, something, anyway.
And should the Series go to a Game 6, we’ll be treated to a half-hour long pregame show of Barack Obama. Bonus.
Hey, I’m just tuning in to see what comedy the postseason has in store next. You can’t script October!
You forgot “toothbrushes” in the poll. Those people definitely should be deported.
Shout out to the Chet Lemon reference! Here’s a post mentioning his career HBP stats.
Listened to the YouTube link to the Backstreet Boys national anthem, and I have to say I actually liked it — based on the feedback, I was expecting some pop-rock version with a barely-recognizable melody, but the whole song was very clearly the Anthem, albeit done by an a-capella male quartet rather than a single performer. It seems as though the complaints are mainly grousing by people who were forced to wait a whole two-and-a-half minutes for the Anthem to finish rather than the 45 seconds that the middle-school cornet player doing a game in mid-May takes to do the same song. Seriously, folks — if you can’t take two to three minutes to appreciate the National Anthem, then you’re asking for the wrong person to be deported.
If I have any complaint, it’s the half-balding guy with the sunglasses and 70’s curly-do. The decision to perform the Anthem in what looks like vinyl running suits didn’t help that guy’s appearance any, either.
i am proud to say i remember quinn gray starting those few games for the jaguars
Quinn looked like he was going to win the Colts backup job in preseason. For the first 3 games (the Colts had 5), then he threw 4 picks in 16 passes in the 4th game and completed 3 of 12 in the last game.
I voted for fruit of any kind, but I was specifically thinking of those small boxes of raisins that some people like the hand out. I’m not really sure if raisins qualify as fruit (very dry fruit, I suppose), but there is nothing worse than raisins. I would far rather someone gave me some grapes.
Joe:
You are the best writer I have had the pleaure of reading. Your blogs are the most entertaining part of my day.
Does anyone out there remember when the Chiefs hired Herm Edwards? Who else was available at the time? Was Herm really the best candidate or did Carl have a special connection with the man? Thanks for any info provided.
“…Seriously, folks — if you can’t take two to three minutes to appreciate the National Anthem, then you’re asking for the wrong person to be deported.”
I can’t speak for anyone else, but my complaints against the Backstreet Boys are actually based upon an appreciation for the national anthem.
I can remember my parents buying a bag full of Jolly Ranchers back in the day for the three of us. They sat in a jar for two years and then one day I was desperate for a sweet. The Jolly Ranchers had welded together by that point. I was none the worse for wear.
the los lonely boys rendition was pretty amazing
Big Game James!!!!11111
Anybody who votes for anything but circus peanuts should be forced to eat circus peanuts! Also, peeps are disgusting- though my wife likes them and I like my wife (she thinks of them more as an Easter candy anyway*).
*Do you know that people who eat peeps age them? They think that stale peeps taste better? I’m talking to you sweetie . . .
There is more than one General Manager walking around with a slingshot in his pocket?
GM For Life Carl Peterson is the real problem with the Chiefs. Herm Edwards is just a symptom of the problem.
Peterson was a good GM until 1998 or so. Letting Gannon go was the beginning of the end of the line for him, he’s been going downhill ever since.
He had a good run, it came to the end, it was time to move on in 1999 or so. But no, instead he inexplicably got another decade to ruin his legacy and to ruin the franchise. It’s been time for both parties to just move on to better things for a decade now, but instead it keeps going on and on, like a horrible movie that just won’t end.
The falling down the elevator shaft in “Good Times” reference.
Wow.
After reading something like this, I’d love to hear your memories of the Cleveland Barons.
The contrast of emotions I feel towards the Chiefs and Royals is amazing. As the Royals, though painfully slowly, improve (marginally) I can look at those wonderful times when Mike Sweeney wrote a book about injuring one’s back repeatedly without putting stress upon it. That relay throw in his back was by far my favorite example. However, I laugh at those moments because even in 2003 I felt they were always kind of hopeless.
The Chiefs are rebuilding, and are playing like they are a bunch of rookies, mainly because they are rookies. While every moment of the Royals failure seems hilarious, the Chiefs always find a way to make it excruciatingly painful for their fans. They would be the league’s best team, and then go out in their first playoff game. Or as now, they manage to field a team not worth watching. I am lucky to have not been old enough to remember those ‘87-’88 (My closest memory was owning a Bill Kenney “Starting Lineup” figure. I just realized he was a Pro Bowler, but was he the most prominent player they could have offered?) teams, so I don’t remember this ugliness, just the usual heartbreak. This isn’t exactly the best change of pace though.
I can’t say I liked the Backstreet Boys version (giving a Bush-Cheney element of “extraordinary rendition” to the national anthem). But it wasn’t the worst I’ve ever heard, either. While not my tastes, it certainly didn’t qualify as disrepectful.
As for the “worst Halloween treat” poll, I feel sorry for the two people who must be allergic to chocolate or something. The college guys who rent out a house in our neighborhood and give out full-size Snickers bars for Halloween should be exempted from paying the Homeowners Association dues.
And Smarties deserve much more respect (as do Tootsie Rolls, though some of the flavored ones are a bit much). The only treats my kids receive that get immediately thrown away for universal lack of interest are Bit O’ Honey or Mary Janes. How could they not be on the list?
Scotty:
Good call on the Bits O’ Honey. I am fairly certain they are simply repackaged cough drops.
Circus Peanuts are the worst food in the history of man kind. I have no idea how anyone eats those things. Candy Corn should be thankful that Circus Peanuts are in the poll.
I expected the Chiefs to be bad, but not this bad. Now I just tune in on Sundays to play “Mystery Football Theater 3000″ with their games. It’s a lot more fun than expecting them to, you know, win.
At least we’ve got a great writer like Joe to chronicle these teams’ exploits. But I’m sure Joe would rather cover a World Series or Super Bowl team than continue to watch this crap.
Wax lips are without a doubt the worst thing you could ever get trick or treating.
As the fairest of fair weather fans, I have to say that really bad football and baseball (and hockey or basketball, if we got those) may make all you die-hards miserable, but is endlessly entertaining for me. I get to read these endlessly clever, amusing, and insightful comments. Imagine how dull life would be if the Chiefs just kept on winning….I bet those Patriot message boards are no fun at all to read, and when the inevitable collapse did come, the usual sludge would be nothing but tedious. I had a teacher in college whose PhD was in Spanish, and he described Spanish literature as 400 years of “What happened? We used to be so great, so powerful, so importnat, and then……” Booor-ing. The Chiefs and Royals, with endlessly new ways to surprise us with even greater levels of incompetence, generate all this great prose! I laugh aloud every time I read Joe and his commentators, and that’s better for my health than any World Series or Super Bowl!
Re the Chiefs circa 1975. There is reason to think they had the worst draft ever that year. See link for analysis, here’s the draft (number = round):
2 Elmore Stephens TE Kentucky
3 Cornelius Walker DT Rice
6 Morris LeGrand RB Tampa
6 Dave Wasick LB San Jose State
8 Wayne Hoffman T Oklahoma
11Dale Hegland G Minnesota
12 James Rackley RB Florida A&M
13 John Snider LB Stanford
14 Gene Moshier G Vanderbilt
16 Mark Peterson DE Illinois
17 Mike Bulino DB Pittsburgh
Granted, they didn’t have many high picks. But they were 5-9 and NOT ONE PICK made the team.
Joe,
I challenge you to find a worse sports year for a city than Seattle 2008:
– Seahawks: 1 – 5
– Mariners: 61 – 101
– Sonics: 20 – 62 and chased out of town
Not much better if you extend to college athletics:
– UW Football: 0 – 6
To compare with Kansas City (where I grew up, so still keep track of):
– Chiefs: 1 – 4
– Royals: 75 – 87
– Wizards: 9 – 10 – 9
But if you bring college athletics KC is in great shape:
– KU/MU football: 11-1, bowl game wins
– KU basketball: national championship
The “worst city sports by year” seems a subject worthy of your study! Where is Cleveland on this list?
If you ask the Backstreet Boys to do the anthem, what do you expect? Every pop singer does a rendition in their particular style. That’s why you invite them to do it. I’m not a BSB fan, but I thought it was quite creative – unlike the Chiefs’ offense has been and will continue to be.
Interesting article by RanyJazayerli on the value of waiting until the season’s end to fire coaches. Maybe Clark Hunt is following this strategy. Check it out at:
http://www.ranyontheroyals.com/2008/10/thoughts-on-our-new-coaches.html
My grandmother gave out apples for Halloween. Though she was a wonderful woman, I have no doubt she was hated and feared by the children in her neighborhood.
When I read the question, I immediately thought of candy corn and voted for it as soon as I saw it, without reading the other choices. I have to admit, fruit gives it a run for its money.
I am unfamiliar with circus peanuts being given out as a Halloween treat, but I will most certainly now hand those out this year.
@matt in seattle: Seriously, I just sent that exact same email to Joe. We’ve been talking about it at work for a while now that Seattle may have had the single worst sports year in the history of the world (part 1).
motherscratcher – Nice Lebowski reference.
“Enjoy what you have. Because, even when it seems unlikely, things can always get worse.”
I predict that Tony Gonzalez will contract a staph infection before years’ end.
[...] Tyler, Ingle and Quinn. Oh my. Tyler, Ingle and Quinn. Oh my. [...]
I had to vote other on the poll. Necco Wafers. They’re like miniature chalk frisbees, or those camphor disks your grandma put in the dresser drawers.
And for the person who asked how the Chiefs beat the Broncos, I’m afraid this answer, like many others in sports the past few years, lies with me. That’s the week I took Denver in my office’s knockout pool. I could probably watch a replay of the Miracle on Ice and Eruzione would hit the post.
So, I knew the Chiefs were in trouble this year when Herm Edwards said “We are going to get 5 starters out of this draft!” That was even before the draft was held. Who does this?
I giggle at this through bitter tears because the Kansas City BLEEPING Chiefs are the BLEEPING team that BLEEPING CBS believes I want to watch every single BLEEPING WEEK!
My hatred for this team, and more importantly, my hatred for Herm Edwards, knows no bounds. If someone could figure out how to harvest the energy of my hatred, we’d all drive big Chevy Suburbans without ever having to get gas. Every car within a thousand miles could drive on the free energy of my radiating hatred.
Get BLEEPED, CBS!
I am, however, still giggling.
@ Chipmaker
“If the other team left the field, how many downs would it take for the Chiefs to score?”
What makes you think they’d score? 3 straight incompletions and a miffed punt, followed by the ball tumbling into their own endzone, would lead to a safety.
I honestly believe the Chiefs could lose to an empty field 2-0.
If Tony G sulks for the rest of the year and sort of plays/refuses to play, will anyone say “That’s just TonyBeingTony?”
Think a fair catch at the 1 is bad, how about fumbling a punt on the one yard line, and not recovering it, because of course the force of the punt knocked you back into the end zone.
Thanks Peter Warrick.
Colts 28
Bengals 21
October 6, 2002
What about those orange and black taffy and peanut butter abominations? Those have to be the absolute worst! I have never met anyone that likes them and somehow they are still sold years later. Do they even have a name?
Oh so many comments to make…but lets try to keep on track here.
Raisins and toothbrushes are a tie. I’ve gotten both. I can remember warning other kids which houses were giving out raisins so they could avoid them!
I remember the Frank Gansz years, ouch. But don’t be knocking Bill Kenny! He could sling the ball. Remeber those 49-48 shootouts with Bill Fouts and the Chargers? (which we usually lost) That was exiting football. Actually, that makes me think that since the Chiefs have had such success with over the hill QB’s over the years maybe we could get Bill Kenny to come back! He could probably use the cash and the Chiefs couldn’t perform any worse.
I could go on and on here, but I’m going to end this by asking who did the Jets take with the pick we gave them for Herm?
Now I’m going to start preparing for Sunday’s train wreck. I just can’t look away…
I gave up on the Chiefs after Clark didn’t fire Carl immediately after the 2007 season ended. So right now, I’m enjoying watching how hilariously bad the Chiefs are. I’m no longer vested in them, so it is really funny to watch them attempt to play football. I absolutely cannot wait to watch Tyler, Ingle & Quinn. I hope all 3 get a shot against the Jets. I will probably have to rub Bengay on my sides from laughter.
I must admit the Chiefs ARE keeping me interested this year. I guess it’s just rubber-necking, but I am interested in seeing Thigpen again. I really hope they don’t start getting blackedout at home…. that would be most unfortunate.
There is clearly a curse working here. The Chiefs nearly took out the entire NFL in the first week. Tom Brady may be done forever. Even writing about them may be harmful to your, eh, oh, feeling dizzy, chest, can’t breathe, call………………..
>>>”Good call on the Bits O’ Honey. I am fairly certain they are simply repackaged cough drops.”<<<
I don’t think Bit O’ honeys are what you think they are.
As for your poll..how could you leave ‘Good & Plenty’ off the list? Nobody likes those!! As a kid, if you got plenty of those, you would be likely to ask your parents to relocate to a kid-friendly neighborhood!!
also..it seems any candy with a positive name generally suck.. Good & Plenty, Almond Joy, …..ok, so there are only 2.
Is Joe the Plumber the same guy who used to sing the anthem at Tiger Stadium? One would think the use of the definite adjective would deny the possibility of there having been two. I’m not certain the singer’s name was Joe, but he was called “the plumber” rather than “a plumber.”
From where I sit, you’re covering the Patriots.
In Tyler’s defense, he’s put together a very good first half against the Jets today; 15-20, 179 yds, 2 TD.
Thigpen played an excellent game today. He made one horrible pass, that luckily was dropped by the defender, but otherwise was accurate and made good decisions.
With his mobility, he looked more promising than any KC QB since Trent Green’s prime. Today.
He was truly horrible in his first start, and very solid today. Maybe today was a fluke, or maybe the first start was a case of nerves and adjusting to the speed of a real game.
At least he showed that he has the potential to be a solid NFL QB in a real game. Now he needs to keep doing it and prove it wasn’t just a fluke.
And his name isn’t that bad, he’s not even the worst-named Thigpen in NFL history, that would be Yancey Thigpen.
He should go by Ty instead of Tyler though. Or just by his nickname, “Bones.” That sounds more like a football player.
The review of the Royals’ Greatest Bloopers reminds me of one of my brother’s little league teams. They were made up of kids who signed up for the league late and also the few leftover kids who didn’t get drafted by any team. They didn’t win a game. They were the real life Bad News Bears.
Their ace pitcher cried on the mound as the game was about to start on opening day, and had to be removed before throwing a pitch.
They had a player who never ever stopped running when he reached first base safely. He made it to 2nd or 3rd a few times due the defense’s errors while trying to catch him, but he ended up getting thrown out every time.
Instead of trying to throw out runners on grounders, their shortstop would pump-fake throws to first, hoping that the batter would stop running for some reason. It didn’t work.
Their coach was an Australian, and his accent added even more of a cartoonish and comedic flavor to the team. He had a drill during practice where he would have the players form a circle around him, and then he would fire baseballs at them at dangerous speeds. He would fake a throw at one child, spin, and rocket the ball at someone else. The drill would always end up with all the children covering up for safety while making no attempt to catch the ball. I always expected someone to pass by one of their practices and then make a call to the child protection agency.
I have long wanted to see if I could find a roster of that team to see if Ken Harvey played for them.
[...] Ingle and Quinn. Oh my. Posted in October 23rd, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized Tyler, Ingle and Quinn. Oh my. Tyler Thigpen is the starting quarterback and, as Joe Biden would say: Bless his heart, but … [...]
[...] the reason was, well, about as bad as Edwards’ game these past few weeks. Even the official FTLT authority on all things Kansas City seemed to think that Thigpen was [...]
[...] Tyler, Ingle and Quinn. Oh my. [...]