I have just watched what was, probably, the worst professional football performance I have ever seen. I need to be careful about that — it’s always tempting to say that something you just saw was the best something or the worst something or the most shocking something of your entire life. And then everything settles down and you remember the great, terrible and surprising things you have seen, and you realize that what you saw was not quite as special as you first thought.
Still, I just saw the Kansas City Chiefs lose to Carolina 34-0 in a game when the Panthers did not even show up for the fourth quarter. The Chiefs managed 127 yards of total offense, their fewest in 22 years. It was the biggest blowout in Carolina history. And, like I say, it all could have been so much worse if anyone had even cared in the fourth quarter.
I want to let the game gestate before offering up a lengthy post about tight end Tony Gonzalez. In the meantime, please enjoy this from brilliant readers Matt and Deb Johnson.
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51 Comments, Comment or Ping
Digby Willard
I love it! Has to be my favorite sequence from “The Princess Bride”, which I watch every time it shows up on TV.
As chance would have it, I also currently have a library copy of “The Princess Bride” by my easy chair.
Perhaps I should mention that I did my time with the Marines in ‘Nam. Have my own up-close and personal knowledge of the “prepare to die” part.
Digby
Oct 5th, 2008
Old Man Duggan
When Tony was sitting on the sidelines at the end of the game with his visor on, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Here is the greatest tight end (inarguably at least from a statistical standpoint) to ever play the game, and he’s stuck on this team. I couldn’t help but wonder out loud why he doesn’t retire. Barry did it. So can he.
Oct 5th, 2008
Johnny
Too bad we can’t line up a Chiefs vs. Lions game at the end of the season, for charity or something.
Oct 5th, 2008
Robert Denby
Why couldn’t the Chiefs play like this against the Broncos? Herm Edwards is worthless.
Oct 5th, 2008
Adam
I want that shirt.
Oct 5th, 2008
EdB
Fredo got three votes?
Oct 5th, 2008
antoniomo
I love those name tags, too. Thanks, Matt and Deb.
There are so many great sequences from that movie:
“I must know your name”…… “Get used to disappointment”….”Okay.”
“Inconceivable!” said for the umpteenth time…”I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
Etc,. etc……
Oct 5th, 2008
Vandelay
I’m not sure how Matt & Deb get the credit. That shirt has been for sale at ThinkGeek.com for a while now.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/popculture/9f70/
Oct 5th, 2008
Chris B
I ask all Chiefs fan to send their feelings to Mr. Clark Hunt.
send emails to http://www.kcchiefs.com/contact
If anyone has a better contact for the chiefs front office let us all know
Here is my letter:
Dear Mr. Clark Hunt,
The performance of the Chiefs today(and 3 of the 5 games played in 2008) was the worst display by a professional? football team I have ever seen. As a fan of this once proud organization I am completey embarassed and outraged at the lack of heart and effort put forth by the players, coaches, and front office. I beg of you to come out of whatever hole you have been hiding in to right this sinking ship. Your father’s loyalty, although admired by many, has created this mess. Mr. Carl Peterson must be fired immediately, the coaches and players must fight for their the jobs with the rest of the season. I would hope in the offseason their is some serious roster changes-players,coaches, front office staff. Effort does not require talent, and today I saw no effort and a lot of low talent players playing a game that was disgraceful and sickening to watch. I feel sorry for Mr. Gonzalez and other Chiefs who have given everything they have to this franchise. Mr. Hunt, please get involved with this franchise or sell it to someone who will. I will not attend another home game or watch the games on tv(if that is even an option- blackouts) until Mr. Peterson is terminated and you address the rest of this festering franchise. You have made this franchise a laughingstock and that sir is on you and you only.
Thank you,
Chris B
Oct 5th, 2008
Andy
Yeah, I’ve seen a couple of people wearing that shirt over the past 18 months or so.
Oct 5th, 2008
Eric J
The Rams might be worse than both the Chiefs and the Lions.
Great year for really, really bad football.
Oct 5th, 2008
Olentangy
Maybe not the worst ever, but I find myself thinking back to teams like the early ’70s Oilers teams,and the 1-15 Saints team that spawned the grocery bag with eyeholes cut out headwear for the fans, when I think about what this game compares to in the history of suckitude in the last 40 years in the NFL
I could not turn the channel despite my son’s pleas to “Get this garbage off the screen!” It was simply fascinating/horrifying to watch. What a complete debacle.
Oct 5th, 2008
Easy Livin'
Chris B,
Take a deep breath, let it out, and then take one more. If you didn’t see this coming leading up to the pre-season then you weren’t paying attention. So far, the Chiefs are playing exactly on point with how they were projected to play this season.
Besides, look at it this way: We’re one step closer to Matt Stafford and Bill Cowher.
One can dream.
Oct 5th, 2008
Curtis
Why on earth would Cowher want to come here?
Oct 5th, 2008
Aaron M.
Uhh.. Easy Livin? I’ll take Cowher, you can keep Stafford. A guy that can’t complete 60% of his passes at the college level has no place in the pro game. You think Croyle is bad? Stafford has VERY similar stats. Why not go big? Big 12 that is. Chase Daniel should be available in the 4th round, according to some mock drafts i’ve seen solely because he is only 6 foot tall. If he were 6′5 he’d probably go round 1. And honestly, I’d rather have Daniel, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, or Graham Harrell than a guy who can’t complete higher than 60% in college. Besides, if Bradford comes out, we could likely take him, or maybe we should get a decent LB in the middle in Mauluaga or Laurinaitis. Lord knows we’ll be in position to take pretty much who we want.
Oct 5th, 2008
Aaron M.
Joe,
Is your NFL game picking done in protest for The Star? Why are all the scores you pick 20-17?
http://www.kansascity.com/sports/story/826972.html
Oct 5th, 2008
amaar
You probably did not watch the game between the Texans and Colts.
Oct 5th, 2008
Buchholz Surfer
In his career with KC, they threw quite a few passes to Tony Gonzalez, but they never threw ENOUGH to him. They would’ve been better off throwing 5 more passes to him each game.
As for the laughingstock Chefs, what exactly does Carl Peterson have to do to lose his job? He’s been there for 20 years! He hasn’t won one single playoff game in a decade and a half!
Good god, how many NFL GMs have there been since Peterson started? Most places, if you don’t win a playoff game for 5 years, you better clean out your office, people aren’t going to stand for that. No problem for Carl though. He can go more than 3 times that and still keep his job.
Who will be the next crappy coach Peterson trades a draft pick to acquire? Who will be the next awful quarterback Peterson brings in? Before answering those questions, answer this one: Who is the best QB Peterson has drafted in his two decades on the job?
Oct 5th, 2008
Justyo
Sure was nice having the Panther D on the ‘ol fantasy squad. You betcha. Doggone it.
Oct 5th, 2008
Thomas
No Virgil Sollozzo option? And my condolences on the Chiefs. At least you have Tony, right?
Oct 6th, 2008
Graphite
Favourite quote, out of dozens, from that movie — Prince Humperdinck, coming upon the dead Vizzini, picks up the empty vial, sniffs it, and proclaims: “Iocane”.
Oct 6th, 2008
No More Season Tix 4 Me
Chiefs fans “have fun storming the castle!!”
Oct 6th, 2008
Bellweather Johnson
Went with Tom Hagen. I think the movies are more about him than anything, and the scene at the end of Two with Frankie and he smoking cigars was absolutely brilliant. Behind the fence indeed.
But how, HOW can you not have Sollozzo as a choice?? He’s the most brilliant character in the movie; plays the Corleones like an accordion, out-manuvers everybody, and Littieri plays him to a slimey roughneck “T.”
And: can I get a write-in vote for Appolonia’s breasts?
Thank you
Oct 6th, 2008
John Comas
About his picking 20-17, my guess is that he does that because it’s the most common NFL score. You’re more likely to get a score right once in a while if you just say 20-17 for every game than you are anyway else.
TMQ on ESPN went into a big thing about that a few years ago when the NY Times used to guess scores and never got it right, of course. TMQ always said that just picking 20-17 for every game would give you a better chance.
Maybe Joe reads TMQ?
Oct 6th, 2008
Monkeyhawk
Doesn’t the NFL schedule the next season based on parity?
On that basis we’ll see the Rams next year. And the Lions and, of course, the Raiders next year. And the Little Sisters of the Poor and the Illinois School for the Blind.
Oct 6th, 2008
just-this-guy
“Ode” to the Chiefs -
Chiefs: To the death
Chiefs Fans: No. To the pain.
Oct 6th, 2008
Steve B
I bought the Princess Bride for my sister’s birthday last year. I was really excited when she was opening it, because it was our favorite movie when we were kids. She rolled her eyes when she saw what it was. She explained to me that it wasn’t her favorite movie when we were kids. It was MY favorite movie when we were kids. I made her watch it all the time. I was always quoting the movie. I would roll around on the ground and try to dodge fire spurts and large rodents. SHE grew to hate the movie. Needless to say, she gave it back to me for my birthday a few months later and I was very happy.
Oct 6th, 2008
Easy Livin'
Aaron M,
You want the Chiefs to reach again in the draft with another mid-round QB, hand the team over to him at the lowest point in franchise history, and expect some kind of miraculous turn around? That’s the kind of thinking that landed us Brodie Croyle.
Sam Bradford and Colt McCoy will both be NFL back ups. Chase Daniel will be a third stringer holding a clip board at best and will need a step stool to see the field. Graham Harrell is better than all these guys and will probably get a shot to lead an NFL team. But before it’s all said and done, Matt Stafford will rise above them all. He throws some picks but the guy tries to do it all by himself sometimes and forces some throws. Nothing that can’t be coached up and tweaked by a one-on-one top flight QB coach in the NFL.
Chase Daniel would be a nice story, the short stubby little Mizzou guy makes it to the NFL and becomes a starting QB, we’d all like to see it, but it ain’t going to happen.
Oct 6th, 2008
KCVEINS
Moneyhawk,
The NFL now creates the schedule as follows:
2 games with each division rival (6 games)
1 game each against a division in the AFC and one in the NFC (8 games)
The last 2 games (only) are based on the conference team with the same level of ineptitude as your team — so the Chiefs would play the 4th place teams of the other 2 divisions (already playing all teams from the other division).
So, we will not get the luxury of playing either the Rams or Lions next year unless we play that particular NFC division.
Oct 6th, 2008
Brent
Sigh, I guess I am old, but this isn’t the worst season I have seen from the Chiefs. The late 70s were awful. One year the Chiefs had so little talent on defense that Marv Levy in his first year as an NFL head coach ran the Wing T as his offense (the Chiefs were trying to keep that awful defense off the field by running 60 times/game). That was 1978 (they were 4-12 that year).
But that wasn’t the worst. No the worst were the two years prior to the Carl Peterson/Marty Schottenheimer era. Frank Ganz was an abomination as a head coach. The only good thing that came out of those two years was that Neil Smith and Derrick Thomas were our 1st round draft choices after a 4-11 1987 season and a 4-11-1 1988 season. The worst part abut those seasons is that the Chiefs had talent, it was just horribly misused by a coach who had no idea what he was doing.
Oct 6th, 2008
Edward OP
I bought that shirt earlier in the summer. Perhaps I should wear that next time I’m at Fox and Hound witnessing an attempt at professional football.
Oct 6th, 2008
JeffSol
Buttercup:”We’ll never make it.”
Westley: “Are you kidding? We have already succeeded. What are the dangers of the fire swamp? First, the flame burst. No problem. They make a poppping sound before they go off, so we can avoid those. Second, the lightning sand, which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that as well.”
Buttercup: “But Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.’s?”
Westley: “Rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.”
Oct 6th, 2008
MYERS
Why on earth is it so hard to find Clark Hunt’s email address?
Oct 6th, 2008
MYERS
Everyone take a minute and email ben@consumerist.com to request help in getting the email address of the mystery man known as Clark Hunt.
It is ridiculous that this man is so hard to simply EMAIL.
A real man of the people, sounds like.
Take a second, email ben@consumerist.com and ask for help finding Clark Hunt’s email address. We pay so much as fans in this town, he should have to hear from the people who pay for his stadium.
Oct 6th, 2008
JCT
WHO IS SAVINO STALLONE?
Oct 6th, 2008
Bellweather Johnson
The mystery of Savino solved:
http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/10/lets-talk-about-whats-important-here.html
Oct 6th, 2008
Mutiny32
“that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ”
Anyway….That game was crap. I’m only 24, but I can count on the number of home Chiefs games I’ve missed my entire life on one hand. Yeah, my parents took me even as a newborn during the awful ’80s. My dad’s just that hardcore of a fan.
All that beside, this is the worst performance I’ve seen from the Chiefs my entire life. It’s like someone calling the plays thinks that handing the ball to Larry Johnson on every first down is tricking someone. Seriously guys? Seriously? Everyone says “don’t blame the coaches, we need a QB we can build a team around!” Horsesh*t.
Herm Edwards is not a good fit for KC. We went from the Richard Simmons of coaching to a statue wearing a headset the entire game. Herm rarely talks to any player during a game. He spends 99% talking to the phantom on the other end of that damn headset. I think Clark should ban him from wearing it for the rest of the season ‘IF’ we keep him. He is a coach. COACHES COACH PLAYERS. If a player messes up, he jumps down their throat and then proceeds to tell them why they messed up and how to fix it next time. Instead, all I see are the players running off the field, talking to nobody, ready to repeat their mistake the next time they take the field.
We need a coach right now, not a new QB. Brodie showed us before he got injured that he added a little instinct, brains, and finesse to that Brett Favre-like throw. Huard…remember him? Squeaked us into the playoffs two years ago when Trent Green was temporarily retarded by the Bengals? Yeah. Don’t blame him either.
Remember what made Priest Holmes such a good player. He had plays that required the O-line to pull and lead-block for him. We simply don’t do that anymore. Why is beyond me. We absolutely dominated the field with that strategy. It doesn’t even take a good O-line to do it because you’ve got the secondary thinking “holy crap, there’s 3 300lb lineman running at me full speed what do I do!?” and then the fullback pops out from behind the mass chaos and sails through the carpool lane that was created.
Now I’m convinced Herm’s idea of a “trick play” is a sweep or a trap. Why? We don’t hardly do them. Throwing the ball past that silly orange thing on third down? Pfft.
What I’m saying to say here is that there is a lack of creativity in play-calling, an extreme on the border of fossilized offensive coaching staff, and the players realizing that.
Oct 6th, 2008
Easy Livin'
Send him a good old fashioned letter:
Clark Hunt
c/o Kansas City Chiefs
1 Arrowhead Dr
Kansas City, MO 64129
Oct 6th, 2008
John
How about petitioning the NFL to allow the Bengals, Lions, Chiefs and Rams to play in the same division next year. One of them will have to make the playoffs (and the NFL would likely have their first-ever sub-.500 playoff team.)
You want to throw the Rams out because they have actually won a Super Bowl? Go ahead. You can sub the Texans or Seahawks instead.
Oct 6th, 2008
Rhino
Joe,
I’m a big fan of your writing, but, seriously, if that’s the worst professional football performance you’ve ever seen maybe you should stick to writing about baseball (and Springsteen, movies, ice cream makers, etc.; just not football).
Oct 6th, 2008
RC
In regards to the 20-17 prediction from Joe in the Star…
Joe doesn’t always pick 20-17. It usually differs week to week (earlier this season was 20-10 for every game). But for certain games Joe will pick unique scores. I can’t remember if it was when the Chiefs played Oakland or Atlanta but his score was 6-3 (his way of predicting a particularly boring game). He also picks the Browns-Ravens game 94-0 in favor of the Browns in honor of the year that the Browns left Cleveland for Baltimore.
His picking the same score for (almost) every game is because he thinks football predictions, and his predictions in particular, are pointless. He has wrote that he takes all of a minute to fill out his entire predictions for the week…
Oct 6th, 2008
Linus
I do think that American pro sports can learn from the Euro soccer leagues when it comes to dealing with putridity. The worst team gets banished to a lower level league.
Oct 6th, 2008
Brian
The Browns-Bengals game last week might have been worse. Because both teams were that bad.
And one of the starters went to Harvard and the other has chick peas for brains.
Oct 6th, 2008
Steve Simon
At least you’re not still in Cincinnati and watching the putrid Bengals stink up the field.
Oct 6th, 2008
Aaron M.
Easy Livin’,
Stafford’s stats this year are pointing up, with a 7-1 TD-Int ratio. Maybe he is the answer. I’ll reserve judgement til the end of the season.
Here’s an interesting article on analysis of college qb stats and how they translate to the nfl. At just under 60%, Stafford seems to fit the successful mold. I was remembering the threshold incorrectly. My bad.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3350135
Oct 6th, 2008
Justin Zeth
Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Every night for four years he said that. “Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”
Oct 6th, 2008
Buchholz Surfer
Relegation wouldn’t work in the US, because of geography.
For example, you wouldn’t want to be the only west coast team with everyone else in your league on the east coast. If all the other teams in your geographical area got relegated, your travel issues would be incredibly unfair, compared to everyone else in the league.
England is relatively small, so relegation works there. Every team is in the same time zone, for one thing. The US has three time zones and manny thousands of miles to deal with.
Oct 6th, 2008
Man in Black
@ Buchholz- Last time I checked the Continental US had four times zones, and football teams in all four…
Oct 7th, 2008
MYERS
Good call with sending a real letter, Easy Livin - thanks for the info. That’ll have to do for now.
Oct 7th, 2008
Mark W.
I thought that I was silly but serious when I voted for “Tom” as my favorite Godfather chaacter. Then, I see him in 3-4 place! Guess I’m not so crazy after all. However, Frankie Pantangelo sure didn’t get much love did he. I loved Frankie’s horsey, throaty voice!
Oct 7th, 2008
Josh F.
Never bet against a Sicialian when death is on the line!!!
Oct 10th, 2008
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