Amazingly Stupid Discussion
Posted: September 19th, 2008 | Filed under: Other Sports, Pop Culture | 39 Comments »
And yet, as is the case with many amazingly stupid things like the Brickbreaker game on my McCain-berry (I hate when the “Flip” thing falls) and this mind-numbing game I found on the Gore-ternet, it is also oddly engrossing. In case you did not click on the top link,* it is a story showing that in an AP-Yahool poll, a few more more people would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than John McCain.
*And if you did click on it … why? The lead-in very clearly says, “This is amazingly stupid.” Why do we click on links that are plainly labeled “This is amazingly stupid?” I know I do this all the time. I see a link that says, “I don’t even understand this,” or “Don’t be an idiot and click on this,” or “Clicking this will probably infect your machine with a virus,” and, blammo, I’m clicking.** I don’t know. I guess it’s human nature.
**You clicked on all those, didn’t you?
Now, part of me is sickened by that kind of poll. I mean, I’m not super-up on the news like, you know, Matt Damon, but I seemed to hear about some sort of financial thing or something.* And I guess that there’s, you know, some stuff still going on, like, with our military or whatever. And, you know, there are apparently some other complicated tasks that the President of the United States might have to deal with. I’m just not sure that as we prepare to choose the most powerful man of the free world in this precarious time that we need to be asking people which guy would be more fun to watch the Panthers-Saints game with.
*By the way, knowing what we know now about AIG, doesn’t the following commercial sort of take on a creepy Sixth Sense sort of feel. Liability is indeed a nightmare. Maybe we don’t want to the biggest Insurance company in the Universe to be run by seven-year olds with ulcers.
BUT, of course, once the question was asked, I started to think about it: What are the qualifications for a good football-watching partner? I came up with three. Obviously, you must add more so we can do a full 5,000 words post on it. But as a start:
1. Cannot be a know-it all. This is far and away my number one rule. I have found myself watching football games with football experts, men who played high school ball and as such feel uniquely qualified to break down every play and offer a running commentary of the various blitz packages and blocking schemes each coordinator has put in for that week. First off, my experience is that these people almost never have any idea what they’re talking about. Second, I don’t need to watch the game with Hank Stram in my ear, I just want to watch the game. Third, shut up.
2. Has to be relatively interested in the game. Then there’s the opposite type; you find yourself watching football games with people who really could not care less about the game. I’m not saying we they need to be talking football all the time — some of the best discussions I’ve had about politics, religion, life and what makes a good cheeseburger — happened during football games.*
*What does this say about me. Not much.
But if your watching companion is not engaged enough to offer an occasional sarcastic line or announcer rip or coach bash, it’s hard to know exactly what they’re bringing to the table. And that leads to …
3. Has to offer at least one great sarcastic line, announcer rip or coach bash each quarter. He/she doesn’t have to offer one EVERY quarter, but if at the end of the game, they have not contributed four good ones (of five if there’s overtime) then, again, what’s the point, i could have watched the game with my dog*.
*If I had a dog.
You know who is a great football watching partner? My Star colleague and internationally-known sportswriter and Jeff George promoter Jason Whitlock. We have been watching/suffering through Kansas City Chiefs games together now for a dozen years, and I can tell you the guy has the football-watching thing down to a science. He doesn’t say very much during a game, but every so often he will come out with a sledgehammer line about the left tackle getting steamrolled or the stunning clock-managing stupidity of pretty much every NFL coach or the untouchable brilliance of a great punt return or perfect throw or a savage blitz. I have a feeling that Barack might be a little bit of a know it all, and John might be a bit too disinterested (how could he not be? He’s an Arizona Cardinals fan). I know who has my vote.
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I fail to see how this makes a good president. I would rather watch a football game with the guy I’m NOT voting for. I am voting for president, not my new drinking buddy.
At the end of the article I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of Poz and Whitlock hanging out on the couch watching football. I imagine it to be like an odd couple scene. I have always thought they are a good pairing at the Star. Whitlock with his doom and gloom and Poz with his unicorns and rainbows.
Sorry, the thought of that is just hilarious to me.
I would have voted for Whitlock, too. Except, I’m an intellectual with a useless degree in quantitative political science, so I couldn’t pass up the networking opportunity to chew the fat with Barack for three hours. Self-interest is a horrible, necessary thing.
What else makes a good football-watching partner?
#4 – Shouldn’t be too obsessed with his/her fantasy team. I’m really not that intereted in how your backup running back is. No, really!
#5 – Will eat and/or drink something during the game. I’d rather not be a big or drunk on my own. Please join me.
#6 – Bow down to the genius of the 1st down line. Gosh, I love that thing!
Oops – meant to say “I’d rather not be a pig….” Lord knows i’ve had enough practice….
OK, how about
4. Cannot be the guy who believes if he screams at the television loudly enough, the coach will hear him and quit throwing to that stone-handed receiver/running up the middle/playing prevent defense.
This person will also fit into at least one of the following: volume increases with each adult beverage; obscenities increase with each adult beverage; will not take proximity of wives and/or children into account when engaging in his loutish behavior.
I like passion, but I detest militants.
When I saw the title of this blog entry, and the picture of the football, I was sure it was going to be about Romeo Crennel kicking the field goal down seven with three minutes to go.
Er, “militancy” (my dad was actually a militant grammarian).
Re the 1st graf:
Elaine: Oh, I gotta start taking these “stupid” warnings more seriously.
“Seinfeld”, Episode 158, “The Voice”
As a Chiefs fan, I have to vote for Palin. There needs to be something worth looking at for three hours…
Oh, I forgot to mention: I only clicked on 3 of the 4 links, not all of them.
See, I do take the “stupid” warnings seriously, at least some of the time.
Interesting. I voted Whitlock before reading the column and Joe’s perspective. I’ve read some of his columns and I just thought he’d have a good combination of knowledge, wisecrack and legitimate content. I’d consider watching with Joe, too. (But it can’t be this weekend, house will be invaded by wife’s quilting group…)
I’m the same as LLary. I voted Whitlock before I even read the post. Combination of knowing at least 5 times as much as me about the intricacies of the game, and the fact that I get the feeling he could deliver the most wicked insults when you take away the standards of a newspaper.
And I’m quite sure he’d take a few shots of tequila with me at kickoff.
My favorite take on your first qualification, Joe:
http://extrapolater.com/2006/10/31/open-letter-to-a-pedantic-killjoy/
Other Mike: That’s weird, because I voted for the same guy I’ll vote for in November (not Whitlock).
As to Callaway Kid’s answer: I’m sorry, people, I hate to be That Guy, but the closer you look, the more you’ll see that Sarah Palin is not really very attractive.
I’m number two. I don’t particularly like football, so I’d guess I’ll vote for Barack Obama, ’cause he’d be an interesting guy to talk to. Or maybe Joe Biden….
Seriously, if I have to watch, say, more than a quarter’s worth of football without something else to occupy myself, I’ll get antsy. I love baseball, and I’ll sit down and watch a basketball game or a soccer match, but football? Don’t think I could do it. Maybe I’m a pansy.
Oh, and if you’re gonna vote based on who would be best to look at for three hours, wouldn’t you choose Tina Fey? She’s more attractive than Sarah Palin.
I thought Tina Fey and Sarah Palin *were* the same person. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room together?
I actually managed to avoid clicking on any of the “stupid” links, then I got to the next footnote and got really excited because it would have been a great way for you to trick people into clicking on your amazon page or something.
Sadly, I only ended up learning something about quantum mechanics.
Oh, and I voted for Whitlock (actually before I read this) but only because he was the only person from Indiana so he would probably help during a Colts game.
Okay, Tina Fey is pretty in a “Regular girl” sort of way, and she’s hilarious.
She wins in a runaway.
The three rules I’d add would be:
1. Has to be interested in grilling.
2. Has to be grownup enough that you don’t worry about his dumbass taking a BBQ-sauce-soaked drumstick and dropping it on your couch. If guys wanted to hang out with a child, they’d knock up their wives or hang out with their kids. And if they already have kids, they don’t want to be sitting there wondering if you need a freakin wipe too.
3. If you’re hanging out at their place, they have to realize that you’re grownup enough not to need them watching you like a hawk and asking if you’d rather have another paper towel or something. I know my limitations and not to make a mess. I’m not going to ruin your stuff, ok?
Also, I voted for Biden, for a bunch of reasons:
1. Biden wouldn’t drink any of your booze, but you know he’d be cool with hanging around drunks.
2. Biden obviously likes football.
3. He’d be totally unafraid to make fun of both the game any anything else you wanted to talk about.
4. If at some point there was a particularly top-heavy woman in a commercial, and you said, “Jesus, look at that rack,” I’m willing to bet that Biden would reflexively say, “Yeah,” before even thinking about it.
4. Must know the rules of the game. Maybe not the intricacies, but more than just the most basic rules.
5. Must be able to parse most of what the TV shows. Doesn’t have to recognize the play, but I want at least one, “Where’s the flag!? That was obviously holding!” or “You call that pass interference? Incidental contact!” per half.
6. Food is really imporant. I don’t want eat my byself, but I don’t want to fear for me food. Obama doesn’t eat junk food, and that’s just weird. (Of course, I don’t drink, so who am I to talk?)
7. No fantasy football talk. (I’m almost ready to give up on Bill Simmons during the football season.)
I’ve long loved Tina Fey, but I don’t know that she even likes football. That’s a big problem, in a football watching buddy.
I’m not a Biden guy, but I think that he’s probably the best choice there. I’m sure he loves football. I mean, he’s from Delaware, afterall.
(That was a joke. I don’t think that the Fighting Blue Hens have the best football tradition.)
I don’t really like these choices, Joe. I can’t bear to hear anything about Jeff George.
Here’s another rule: No glory days talk. Don’t wan to hear it.
Tina Fey is a nice looking woman, no doubt. Either Tina or Sarah, however, beats watching what’s happening on the field so far.
As far as watching w/Joe Biden, I’d be afraid he’d rifle through my wallet (in the name of patriotism) when I went to the kitchen.
Is the election over yet?
Obama is a pretty avid sports fan. I don’t know that he’d be much of a talker during the game, but prior to a debate during the primaries he skipped watching the Republican debate held before the Democratic debate to watch the Monday Night Football game, and he talks about when he became a Senator kicking back with a beer to watch basketball after work and ordering in and trying to regain his collegiate glory days of bachelordom. He also went into Minnesota and warned all the Vikes fans that the Bears were gonna kick their ass.
I also get the sense Barack has a pretty wicked sense of humor that he has to hold in check during the campaign. Watching the refs blow a call would probably get a good reaction from him.
I’m not sure how big into football McCain is.
Tina Fey is winning? Tina Fey? What?
Tom Hanks, easily. Especially if it’s 1980s Tom Hanks. Or if he agrees to re-create his “Big” persona.
Also, one important rule — I get the remote control.
A buddy of mine claims he knocked Obama on his butt in a flag-football game when they were both at Harvard Law. I would want to ask Barrack if it is a true story, and if Cam has to fear the Secret Service if my football-pal wins the election.
Tina Fey. Not even close from this list, but after reading what you wrote I’d probably pick Whitlock second. Fey was head writer on SNL at a time when SNL was funny, so you know she writes her own material, will be good for some zings, and will be original and creative. She’s not as big in the ego department as almost everybody else on this list; apocryphally, she was happy just writing when Lorne Michaels asked her to be the news anchor on Weekend Update. So if the game is great you can trust her to let the game speak for itself. We know what the four pols would say (although from all accounts, Obama has one of the best minds in the country, so maybe he’d spot something I wouldn’t, but then maybe I wouldn’t be able to understand what he saw, which would be a downer) and while Tom Hanks would be great to talk WITH he doesn’t write his own material, so unless he was given a great Football Watching Buddy script, who knows what you’ll get with him? Coach K strikes me as a know it all. And you know, if the Chiefs (or in my case, the Rams) are getting blown out again, who would you rather be watching instead of the TV?
But if I had my own list, and I base this on listening to his daily chat/podcasts on KCBS radio out of San Francisco (and their web site) I’d pick John Madden. I know I’d learn something from him, I’d laugh at least once a quarter, and if I didn’t embarrass myself I might wrangle an invite to one of his annual barbecues, or maybe brats in Green Bay. The man has more Emmy Awards than anybody else in history, and from what I hear on the radio, when he’s not feeling the pressure to be “on the air” trying to make a bad game entertaining he’d be at home mocking a bad game as well as pointing out the little details in a good game. Probably followed by Dr. Z, since you’re now on SI.com (congrats!) except I’m more of a beer than wine guy.
Watch football with Tina Fey? Hell yes. I would wash Tina Fey’s car*, if she let me. Yum.
*This was not a euphemism for something less wholesome.**
**If she let me, that non-wholesome stuff would be preferred. Just sayin’.
Fantasy football participants can ruin a good game. I have a brother who only seems to get excited at game break highlights. Of course we’re usually watching the Chiefs. Now my other brother Daryl, he has over two decades of high school coaching experience. He doesn’t tend to say much and when he does it’s usually a quick one sentence observation. But what he’ll say makes you watch the game in a totally different way. That always amazes me. Plus my fantasy football brother f@rts like a buffalo. So I’d say your other brother Daryl would be the one to watch a game with.
You can talk crap about my wife but never, and I mean never talk crap about Delaware football.
Have you ever heard of the ‘Delaware Wing-T’? It was developed at Delaware (duh) by Dave Nelson (the guy who was the head of the NCAA rules committee for years). Nelson coached for 15 years (‘51-’65) and went 84-42-2 with one National Championship. He was preceded by Bill Murray (‘40-’50) who went 49-16-2 with a Championship. Following Nelson as coach was Tubby Raymond. He only coached for 36 years going 300-119-3 with 3 National Championships. All 3 of these coaches are in the College Football Hall of Fame. Current coach K.C. Keeler has carried on the tradition going 53-27 with another National Championship. I call this a GREAT football tradition.
As for Biden, he is the one person I would NOT want to watch a game with. He spoke at my college commencement (U of Delaware, ‘78) and was a boring gas bag then just as he is now. I’d rather cut my legs off at the knees and crawl through poison ivy then watch a game with Plagiarizing Joe.
Reading this reminded me of being in college watching games with a former player who yelled “PASS!” and “BALL!” at the TV whenever a pass play occurred. For the benefit of the defensive backs on the screen. Who were hundreds of miles away at a minimum. I’m sure they appreciated his effort as much as I did.
Up front, I’ve only been to one Delaware football game — I dated a Delaware alum for 3 years many moons ago. Not sure about the football tradition, but one of the best tailgate traditions I’ve ever seen….
Anyone who cares too much about the outcome, that person can sit by himself/herself in the kitchen while I make fun of the commercials.
I’m surprised Joe didn’t include Bruce as one of the choices for who to watch a game with – I know he’d get my vote.
I watched a football game with McCain once. He slept the whole time, woke up once and yelled “Get off my lawn you hooligans!”.
Why isn’t “I don’t watch football” a selection? How about who I’d want to watch a baseball game with?
Tina Fey. Hands down. It’s supposed to be entertaining.
I would also add that if you’re all fans of a team, getting, y’know, genuinely excited when something happens is a must. I’m a Vikings fan, so that would be once every four weeks or so.
The politicians are in my living room enough as it is. Keep them away from me.