Well, I made it back from Fort Leavenworth. They let me leave on my own. We’ll tell you all about it some point, but in the meantime, here is the beginning of our Pixipedia … we start with our first installment of Pixifoods, which includes many of your suggestions.
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Pixifood (PIKZ-ee-food), noun: Any food substance that is highly pleasant to the taste as a child and tastes shockingly unpleasant once you become an adult.
Baseball Card Gum
As a child it tastes like: Bubble blowing magic.
As an adult it tastes like: Sugared sandpaper.
Tidbits: A few years ago, Topps released a retro set of baseball cards — I believe it was based on the 1952 set. Anyway, it included the gum. I was SO excited. I immediately went to eBay and spent WAY too much on a box of those cards. I got it, and I chewed the gum and … I expect to get the feeling in my jaw back no later than September 2013. More to the point, the inside of my mouth got so raw, you could strike a match against it. What do they put in that stuff? Roofing shingles? I think part of the problem is that they started putting the gum in little plastic packets, presumably so they would not get stale and ruin the back of baseball cards like the old days. But maybe that’s how they lost the magic. As a kid it was great because, really, as far as taste went, you never know where the gum ended and the baseball cards began.
Beanie Weenies
As a child it tastes like: Smoky, beanie, weenie jubilation.
As an adult it tastes like: Cat food with an Italian twist.
Tidbits: The easiest lunch ever invented; you could throw throw a solid Beanie Weenie lunch together in seconds, and as a child you could get 45% of your daily of sugar and 48 mg of salt in one sitting. Plus, while it was true that it offered 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C and 42 grams of carbs, it did give you 20% of your daily recommended allowance of iron. Nutritious! Needless to say, it now tastes like warm shoes, which might be why the canny Van Camp’s folks created a barbecued variety.
Entry inspired by Dan.
Candy Cigarettes
As a child it tastes like: Sugary danger.
As an adult it tastes like: School chalk.
Tidbits: Ah, memories of standing outside on the front lawn with my old man, admiring the world, him smoking his Kents, me puffing on a candy cigarette, both of us breathing in that Cleveland air that was killing us, yes, memories. How in the hell did anyone think it would be a good idea to give kids candy cigarettes as some sort of simulation of the real thing? What a great idea. Why not just give us all a little heavenly heroin to shoot up? Maybe some lemon drop Jack Daniels to pound with our Pringles,
Jessica memory: This candy was definitely contraband in my house, and when we occasionally got a pack in our Halloween loot, my mother was appalled that some adult in our neighborhood was actually promoting smoking to America’s Youth. Since we did not waste, we were allowed to consume them, but we were absolutely not to act like we were smoking them as we did.
Entry inspired by Jessica
Cotton Candy
As a child it tastes like: You know, cotton candy.
As an adult it tastes like: Cotton root canals.
Tidbits: My own kids have had a surprisingly mixed reaction to cotton candy. Elizabeth, the 6-year old loves it. Margo is sort of a Cotton Candy Carrie Nation, she hates the stuff, so for Elizabeth every bite (available only because Elizabeth’s father believes in the rights of every child to have cotton candy) every bite is like a little bit of forbidden fruit. The funny thing is that the 3-year-old, Katie, cannot stand the stuff. She seems to already have taken on her mother’s personal. “This is bad for you,” she says, and she refuses to touch it.
Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
As a child it tastes like: The absolute best camping food available.
As an adult it tastes like: Dog Food
Tidbits: From the official literature — “When hungers comes a callin’, send it on its way with Dinty Moore Stew. Every can is loaded with hearty chunks of meat and vegetables, all covered in thick, lip-smacking gravy. Just one bowlful will send hunger running for cover. Simply heat and eat for a meal that works as hard as you do.”
Now, I think it’s possible that the Dinty Moore people are overselling their product here. But every company has the right and responsibility to do that. Lip-smacking gravy, indeed. My big problem is the last sentence: Simply heat and eat for a meal that works as hard as you do. I think this misidentifies the audience — it’s assuming that Dinty Moore is in the hard metal lunch boxes of those people working on construction sites and climbing telephone poles. But seriously, has NOT on a camping trip ever eaten Dinty Moore stew? It’s for kids, really, and really don’t work very hard. I’ve been trying to get my 3-year-old to get a job for two of those years, and she keeps refusing.
Entry inspired by Jack
Fig Newtons
As a child it tastes like: Fruit and cake and deliciousness.
As an adult it tastes like: Fruit chunks wrapped in death.
Tidbits: Gary Gulman classic line on Fig Newtons: “For a while there, figs only, which is, you know, a bold move dedicating your entire product line to the fig, of all fruits. The fig. What the hell is a fig? I’ve never seen one outside a Newton in my whole life.”
Brian memory: I can’t remember the last time I had them, but I remember loving them when I was a kid. Apparently my father bought a box recently, so I had a few. I immediately regretted my decision.
Entry inspired by Brian
Fluff
As a child it tastes like: Marshmallow goodness.
As an adult it tastes like: Glue.
Tidbits: I can remember a time when Fluff — like Wacky Packies, the game 7-5-3-1, and sneaking up on people and rubber-banding a hard piece of folded paper into their backsides — was the official stupid fad of my 5th grade class. I’m not sure who thought marshmallow would taste better when spread out on in a sandwich, but I can remember thinks that someone should have made some sort of sandwich spread out of Smarties.
FunDip
As a child it tastes like: a multi-flavored lollipop.
As an adult it tastes like: Cavity filling.
Tidbits: What you do is you dip your edible “Lik-a-Stix” into different flavors of “FunDip” and … do you ever wonder if the people at The Willy Wonka Candy Company were just playing an extravagant gag on America.**
*Like the song YMCA. I mean, obviously this has been mentioned a few times by now, but it is a song about how much fun it is to stay at the YMCA. There’s really nothing too tactful about the song. It includes the lyrics: “Young man … I’m sure you will find many ways to have a good time,” and “You get get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel.” And yet if you were driving by a Christian Coalition Rally and you booed “YMCA” out of your car window, you can bet some people would do the dance.
Evan memory: It was the one candy that even as I child I understood was rotting my teeth even as I switched from cherry to apple to grape. But the best part was to get a few friends to all buy them and you could trade sugar packets if you didn’t like one. Looking back, I’m shocked they were marketed by Willy Wonka and not Skoal or Copenhagen. The name gives it away, it really was “dip” for kids. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out those packets were positively correlated with cancer in rats.
Entry inspired by Evan
Hungry Man (Turkey TV Dinner)
As a child it taste like: A feast for kings.
As an adult it tastes like: Leftovers from a distant past.
Tidbits: This is a very fancy Web site. The turkey dinner has an odd promise: “Savor mostly white meat …” Why mostly? Why won’t they give you all white meat? Is it because some people like turkey dark meat? Well, if that’s true, why stick it in their face that they won’t get much dark meat in this family feast?
David memory: Maybe it was the name ‘Hungry Man’ which when you are 10 years old seems pretty awe inspiring. Maybe it was the fact that it had so many courses. Maybe it was the fun in trying to keep all of the other food out of the dessert until the very end. … And I am willing to admit that it was a big ego boost for a 10 year old kid that he would be able to finish a whole Hungry Man dinner by himself. Now fast forward to a month agao…I was shopping at one of the fine Hong Kong supermarkets and there it was. I quickly slipped one into our shopping cart and prayed that sometime soon my wife would have a girl’s night out or something that would let me eat at home by myself. And then it happened a couple weeks ago and the dinner was awful. I was absolutely floored.
Entry inspired by David
Kentucky Fried Chicken
As a child it tastes like: Picnics in the park.
As an adult it tastes like: Salt.
Tidbits: We still have not come to a consensus on whether Kentucky Fried Chicken just doesn’t taste as good when you’re an adult or if Kentucky Fried Chicken has simply gone down in quality. I suspect it’s a little bit of both. Then there was the ill-advised decision to start calling themselves “KFC.” I suspect that this was a marketing decision based on the sound premise that you really don’t want the word “FRIED” in your name when people tend to replace that word in their minds with “coronary.” But I still think it was a mistake: It’s not like now people see KFC and think, “Oh, a little chicken, that would be perfect for my diet.” Instead, it seems people think, “Oh, KFC — I remember when they were Kentucky Friend Chicken and made tasty food.”
Necco Wafers
As a child it tastes like: Sugar-dusted yumminess.
As an adult it tastes like: Sidewalk chalk.
Tidbits: As Scott points out, this is probably the most versatile pixiefood of the bunch. Came in flavory goodness ranging from fruity (lemon, orange, lime) to spicy (cinnamon, clove, licorice) to minty (wintergreen) to savory (chocolate). Candy Cigarettes taste more like blackboard chalk, the kind at school, while Necco Wafers are more like sidewalk chalk, the kinds kids use to make hopscotch boards on my driveway. That’s the beauty of being a kid … you can differentiate between the different flavors of chalk. M&M’s tasted different based on the color. Its a shame that as we get older we lose the highly-refined tastes we had as children.
Scott memory: The indescructible Necco Wafers are the oldest continuously produced candies in the U.S. since 1847. Apparently the original batch is still in distribution. As kids these seemed like the closest thing to money we’d ever get. The coin-sized wafers were not only edible, they were useful as chips during poker or as replacements for missing game pieces. But that sugary dusting was partcularly satisfying to a kid. We didn’t really know about drugs like cocaine, but snorting this was our only vice before licking off the dust then crunching into the wafers.
Entry inspired by Scott
Pink Snowballs
As a child tastes like: Coconut cream filled pink cakes.
As an adult tastes like: Triple bypass surgery.
Tidbits: I remember working with an older guy in Augusta who loved Pink Snowballs. He would get one out of the vending machine every single day. I was 24 then, and already the concept seemed entirely disgusting. I think that Pink Snowballs were my first pixiefood, the first food that I devoured as a child that I thought, “OK, I’ve outgrown that.”
Pop Tarts
As a child tastes like: Flavor-filled pastry with delightful crunchy coating.
As an adult tastes like: Manilla folkders injected with jelly.
Tidbits: There are mixed feelings about whether Pop Tarts are really pixiefoods. I guess it depends on the flavor, whether or not it is toasted, what your circumstance happens to be. A few weeks ago, I got back to my hotel, and I was absolutely starving, and it was too late to get any sort of actual food. In the hotel store, I saw Pop Tarts. So I bought a pack, ate them, found them to be quite fulfilling and tolerable. I woke up the next morning feeling as if an alien was going to emerge from my stomach, and i have not recovered since.
Spaghetti-O’s
As a Kid: Well, kids love the taste (and Moms love the nutrition!)
As an adult: Plastic and ketchup.
Tidbits: “Helping kids grow strong and healthy is a full-time job. Why not let SpaghettiOs brand pasta give you a hand? Each delicious serving of these tender little O’s provides a serving of vegetables (Editor’s note: What vegetables?), a serving of grains AND at least SIX essential vitamins and minerals!”
OK, beyond the obvious vegetables question, I have another one: What do they mean AT LEAST six essential vitamins and minerals. Might there be more? Have those just not been discovered yet? Are scientist working in the SpaghettiO labs non-stop and occasionally shouting out, “WAIT, I found one! Oh, no, sorry, that was some lint from my pocket. Damn. False alarm.” Or does it depend on what you consider to be essential? Like do these have Calcite in them, but many Moms don’t feel that’s essential?
Entry inspired by Jason.
Tang
As a child it tastes like: Fruity drink goodness.
As an adult it tastes like: Laundry detergent
Tidbits: It amazes me now, looking back, that the real hook for Tang was that astronauts drank it. Wow, we really thought astronauts were superheroes back then. I don’t get the sense it is like that anymore. In some ways, I think NASA might be a PixiProgram, one that as a kid seems like the coolest thing ever and as an adult seems like a questionable use of taxpayer funds.
Entry inspired by Lou
207 Comments, Comment or Ping
Keith K.
I strongly object to the inclusion of KFC on this list. Not only is it still tasty, but it was invented by a Colonel. (Have you no respect for the U.S. military? Has Sean Hannity been notified?)
I wonder why having “Fried” in your name is considered a problem, while having “Kentucky” in your name is apparently an asset.
Jul 29th, 2008
Andy
I also strongly object to the inclusion of KFC. As long as it hasn’t been sitting under the heat lamps all day, it is delicious.
I also mildly object to the inclusion of Fig Newtons. I had one the other day, and it still tasted pretty good, a little dry, but pretty good.
Jul 29th, 2008
Shaun
I believe KFC changed their name because the state of Kentucky started charging companies to include their name in it. Thats why Kentucky Bluegrass and the Kentucky Derby were changed for a while. They all came to agreements with the state, so thats why they can all use Kentucky again. I have no evidence to back this up, so it could be incorrect. But I am sure other readers will find the evidence for me (if it exists).
Jul 29th, 2008
Andy
I think we need a Pozcar-style vote for inclusion in the pixie food list. No voters under the age of 25. 65% of the vote needed to make the cut.
Jul 29th, 2008
Dave
OK this has got to be one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time… I would like to throw out a suggestion of Peeps. Between those and Necco wafers, my niece is in heaven, but I just know (or pray) that one day she will know better.
Jul 29th, 2008
SoxfaninKC
Even as a kid I didn’t like Tang. And while the taste of Fig Newtons is bad, they are still a better tasting alternative than drug store laxatives.
Jul 29th, 2008
Nate
I was just in a candy store recently and was shocked/horrified to find they were still selling those candy cigarettes, there was a bowl right on the counter… how is it still legal to sell those?
I feel like someone should research the legal history of these things, is there a candy tobacco lobby somewhere?
Jul 29th, 2008
Brent
This is a little off topic, but the discussion of gum, candy cigarettes and FunDip made me want to share. Anyway, in our building is a convenience store where they sell the usual convenience store wares: soda, candies, cigs, newspapers, lottery tix, etc. Anyway, this particular store puts on the counter right by the register in presumably a prime marketing spot its rack of Big League Chew. To understand the incongruity of this placement, let me explain that I work in a multistory building in Chicago’s Loop. I never see children in our building. So, my obvious question is, who is buying so much Big League Chew in our building that it rates being placed next to the lottery tix machine? Second question is, who knew they were still making it? I mean talk about your bad ideas. Let’s see Big League ballplayers always chew tobacco during games, let’s invent a gum that mimicks that, package it like chewing tobacco and sell it to kids. Just so the kids don’t misunderstand what we are really marketing here, we will call it Big League Chew. (As an aside, I still recall the jingo from commercials as a child, probably broadcast during This Week in Baseball: “You’re in the Big Leagues, when you make a perfect slide, you’re in the Big Leagues, when you block a shot or two, you’re in the Big Leagues, you’re in the Big League Chew:”)
Jul 29th, 2008
Ralph
Joe, in regards to the baseball card gum, about a year ago I found a box of 1984 Topps wax-pack cards. I was so excited because as a kid that was my first year of really collecting them. I remember the cards from that year very well. Well, I bought the box and went home to see what players were inside. I opened up the first pack and the stick of gum fell out and shattered into about 10 pieces. Undeterred by gum that was so brittle that it shattered from a fall of 2 inches, I scooped up the pieces and popped them into my mouth, fully expecting them to taste like they did in my childhood. Wow, what a mistake. This stuff IMMEDIATELY turned into powder in my mouth, it was absolutely disgusting. That was my one and only experience of eating 24 year old gum. Never again.
Jul 29th, 2008
Mikey
“Thats why Kentucky Bluegrass and the Kentucky Derby were changed for a while.”
Huh?!?!?
When was the Kentucky Derby ever known as anything but the Kentucky Derby?
Supposedly KFC is going back to their original name. Good move.
One way to get around using the word fried would be to re-brand themselves “Kentucky F**king Chicken” Now that I can get behind.
Jul 29th, 2008
AMR
Peeps made me throw up when I was 7 or so. I don’t think I even swallowed the whole thing, just the first bit and I gagged and threw up lots of the Easter-chocolate I had eaten before (including the chocolate-covered marshmallows, which I did like).
I still like Fig Newtons, probably because my mom never got them for us because she hated them as a kid. “Sugary sand” she would say. So I didn’t start eating them until I turned 18 and moved out. They’re now my treat food after I donate blood.
Jul 29th, 2008
Mikey
Big League Chew = Funniest food ever
It would be like putting candy pills for kids on the market today and calling them “Roids!”
I also remember that classic jingle line for line.
Jul 29th, 2008
will betheboy
I’m 34 years old and I still enjoy many of these foods from time to time. I suspect that moderation is key when it comes to adults and pixifood.
Jul 29th, 2008
Julie
Where are Twinkies on this list??? As a child, I vowed to always keep my cupboards stocked with Twinkies when I moved out on my own. I moved out when I was 18 and, during my first trip to the grocery store (I think the other things on my list were a gallon of Reunite on Ice That’s Nice! and Fritos), I did, in fact, purchase a very large box of Twinkies. At “dinner” that night, I immediately regretted my decision.Twinkies (which I just learned are 68% air, are definitely a treat for the younger palette. Aaah. Just another sad sign of aging.
Jul 29th, 2008
deathsinger
Necco Wafers? Fundip? Fluff? I am unaware of these “foods.” I guess growing up in a cellar is a sheltered life. Who knew?
I have a 2 year old, so I guess I will have the pleasure of experiencing them soon.
Jul 29th, 2008
Craig Weaver
Joe -
Pixifood doesn’t include Pixy Stix? It has to!
http://www.oldtimecandy.com/pixy-stix.htm
As a child it tastes like: Fruit-flavored Pixie Dust
As an adult it tastes like: Plain ol’ Dust
Did you ever do a face-first Pete Rose slide and end up with a mouthful of dirt? If you haven’t, just pick up some Pixy Stix. Pour one in your mouth and tastes exactly the same. Except without that pesky exercise.
Jul 29th, 2008
Kyle
Kentucky Fried Chicken had to change to KFC because technically, the chicken isn’t fried. It’s broasted. Seriously, I couldn’t have even made that up if I wanted to.
Jul 29th, 2008
will betheboy
Re: Mikey’s comment on Big League Chew - the best part of the commercials was the use of the phrase “Man Sized Wad” as a serving size.
Jul 29th, 2008
Chizzo
Fig Newtons have to go. My G-Ma eats fig newtons. They are old people food, not young people.
Jul 29th, 2008
Shaun
The Kentucky Derby didn’t stop being known to everyone as the Kentucky Derby for those couple of years, but it was advertised as the “Run for the Roses”. Kinda like how everyone talks about the Super Bowl knowing what it is, but everyone that is showing it lists it as “the Big Game” or something lame like that.
I guess if I want the research done, I have to do it myself
KFC Name Change
Jul 29th, 2008
kc1fan8569
No where on the list is Fruitty Pebbles, Count Chocula, or Frankenberry…
As a kid it was pure breakfast heaven.
As an adult Fruitty Pebbles is now the ultimate apoxy… Those things stick and stain everything… No telling what the hell they are doing to your insides…
Jul 29th, 2008
Bellweather Johnson
Did the tagline used to be:
“Uh oh…SpaghettiOs!!!” (??)
…or is that just something me and by brothers would say? I like to think that was whe they used to say at the end of the commercials. What are you exactly trying to convey with a tagline like that?
Maybe that’s what you say when you look in the cupboard and find that your mother has accidentially purchased the SpachettiOs WITHOUT the meatballs. I remember that being one of the most heartwrenching moments of childhood:
“Yes…SpaghettiO time!! Haha!! wait…what!?!? UH OH……. [shouting to the heavens with fists clenched] SPAGHETTIOS!!!!!!”
I think SpaghettiO meatballs deserve their own Pixifood category:
As a child tastes like: Prime Rib
As an adult it tastes like: Fart
Jul 29th, 2008
James H.
I strongly object to the inclusion of KFC on this list. Not only is it still tasty, but it was invented by a Colonel. (Have you no respect for the U.S. military? Has Sean Hannity been notified?)
————————————————————————————
Keith,
I am not sure if you were using sarcasm, but just so you know, Colonel Harlan Sanders was a Kentucky Colonel. A Kentucky Colonel is not a part of the US Military. A Kentucky Colonel is a member of a charitable organization for the advancement of Kentucky and Kentuckians.
Jul 29th, 2008
James
I object. KFC does not taste like salt. It tastes like greasy salt.
I think KFC also belongs in the category of food that smells good, tastes bad. Honey peanuts sold on the street for example.
Pixifood- Hostess fruit pies. As a kid, like fruit pies, and as an adult, sugar with unknown blobs wrapped in dry dough.
Jul 29th, 2008
G Young
The KFC thing was about “fried,” but it was about health reasons not about broasting.
Since 2005, KFC has been rolling out new restaurants under the Kentucky Fried Chicken name in an attempt to reclaim Kentucky Fried Chicken as the official brand name, but will continue to use KFC as its primary logo.
All of which is bunk because the first ever restaurant was in freaking Salt Lake City.
Jul 29th, 2008
stepbaker
Come on, what about Dots? Or buttons? Or whatever it is you’re supposed to call those hard candy things glued to a strip of paper? Not only are they practically inedible, it has the bonus taste of paper!
Jul 29th, 2008
Eric
Two words…”Lucky” and “Charms.”
Jul 29th, 2008
EdB
Broasted chicken? For people who can’t commit to broiled or roasted? Another middle ground has been reached, needlessly.
And the people who don’t like Peeps are misguided, though it does mean there will be more for the rest of us. Unfortunately, the rest of us can actually hear our arteries slamming shut.
Jul 29th, 2008
Jon Morse
I still make Beanie Weenies, but I do it differently now that I’m older. No pork ‘n beans and Oscar Mayer, no sir. And none of that Van Camp’s crud either. We’re talking molasses-laden baked beans with gigantic Hebrew Nationals or polska kielbasa. A tasty treat.
And, really, the chief problem with KFC is simply that Popeye’s is so much better.
Jul 29th, 2008
Buck
I’d take off KFC, Pop Tarts, and Dinty Moore stew (I’d eat any of those right now), and I’d add Pez candy, Dots, Fruit Stripe gum, and jawbreakers. Maybe Peeps too, but I never liked those. Never cared for Bit-O-Honey either…
Jul 29th, 2008
DGL
Shaun refers to a Snopes KFC Name Change page with the comment, “I guess if I want the research done, I have to do it myself.”
I’m not sure if he totally missed the point or is making an incredibly subtle and ironic joke, because the Snopes page is in their “The Repository Of Lost Legends” (TROLL) section, which is a bunch of spoofs, the motivation for which is to show people that they shouldn’t take single authority sources at face value, but should do their own research.
Kentucky never trademarked their name, the KFC rebranding had nothing to do with license payments, the Kentucky Derby was always the Kentucky Derby, and yes, Neil Diamond fans could still “Kentucky Woman” on radio playlists.
Jul 29th, 2008
Andy
I must say, I still like ALL the foods I liked when I was a kid, including Beanie Weenies, Spaghetti-Os (hated the meatball ones), and Dinty Moore Beef Stew. And Fruity Pebbles.
As an aside, I always found it funny that the Brothers Chaps (of homestarrunner.com) refer to it as “K and F’n C.”
Jul 29th, 2008
alex
Golden Crisp cereal.
Kid: Tasted wonderful, like honey in a bowl.
Adult: Tastes like over-sugared dog food.
Some others: Milk Duds, Now and Later’s, Quick! strawberry-flavored milk.
Great post, Joe.
Jul 29th, 2008
Jhohnny
>>>I opened up the first pack and the stick of gum fell out and shattered into about 10 pieces.<<<
When I was a kid that (brittle gum) was referred to as, “any pack of cards bought after August 1.” Where I lived in Missouri, we were weeks away from anything that had to be shipped, causing the grocers to make their final orders in July. Most places would run out of baseball cards before the season was over, lest they get stuck with useless merchandise. It caused a run on the cards in late August, usually resulting in an overabundance of checklists, rookie stars, league leaders, team cards, managers and coaches - the worthless cards. Of course I kept buying them anyway. That’s how I ended up with 6 Mike Schmidt/Ron Cey rookie cards.
But the brittle gum, it taught me how to really stay with something and make it work. It took a while, and you had to chew hard and fast, but you could make it work. To this day, when I encounter a stick of Extra that seems to be melted and worthless, I think back to the brittle Topps gum, and by god, I make it work.
Jul 29th, 2008
Mike
Cookie Crisp.
And definitely peeps, as mentioned here previously.
Jul 29th, 2008
Perry
Little tidbit about Big League Chew, which I’m sure many if not most of you know: It was invented by Jim Bouton.
Jul 29th, 2008
Johnny
Every Hostess product qualifies, correct?
Jul 29th, 2008
Alex
I try to be honest with people about my favorite foods. Colesteral is clearly #1. Sugar is pretty obviously #2.
Cheese cake is high in both. Score! Fois gras is low in surgar, but I believe that it is 118% colesteral. Score! Chocolate chip cookies, high in both. Score!
You see, I am looking for patterns here.
So, what do we see in this list. Well, there’s a lot of sugar. But there is also a lot of cardboard. Cardboard and chalk have never been among of my favorite foods — not even forbidden cardboard and chalk — so most of these never appealed to me.
I’ve got fond memories of FunDip, which was pure sugar. I always hated Necco Wafers, which obviously were 10% and 90% cardboard.
But what about colesteral? That seems to be largely missing from the list. KFC is really the only truly high colesteral food, right? Well, Jon Morse is right, the chief problem with KFC is that Popeye’s better, but the quality is also clearly gone down. Not so far down that I don’t like it, or anything. But down.
I wonder if there are other high colesteral pixifoods.
What about the individually wrapped caramel cubes? Those seem like a 50-50 mix of sugar and colesteral to me. I’m still a fan. But what about the reasonable adults in the audience?
What about the atrocious individually wrapped corial cherries that you can still get at the checkout counter at CVS/RiteAid? I used to like those, but I think that they’ve raised to cardboard content in the last 30 years.
Why isn’t there any chocolate on this list, anyway? Like the Whitman’s Sampler of chocolates? I mean, those are horrendous, but as a kid I thought that they were fancy and wonderful.
And then, there’s Magic Shell. Liquid cardboard that will harden into crispy cardboard! Mmmmmm….
Jul 29th, 2008
matt
My nominee: Cadbury Cream Eggs
As a kid: The world’s best chocolate filled with sweet, happy goodness.
Now: Taste is indiscernible because all you can focus on is how badly it makes your teeth hurt.
Jul 29th, 2008
Geoff
I was always partial to the salisbury steak hungry man when I was a kid. I could never figure out why it wasn’t on the menu at Mr. Steak when we went out for a “fancy” meal…
Jul 29th, 2008
Tim
Pixiefood nominee:
Wax sodapop bottles
As a kid it tastes like: A mouthful of syrupy sweetness and a bottle you can chew!
As an adult it tastes like: A teaspoon of sugar mixed with cough syrup.
Used to love these as a kid. Bite the top off the bottle, suck out the sweetness/syrup and then chew up the bottle. And WOW! there were different “flavors” to boot. I think there was a dark syrup and one that was kinda red. You could probably include wax lips and any other kind of wax vessel from that era.
Jul 29th, 2008
James H.
“All of which is bunk because the first ever restaurant was in freaking Salt Lake City.”
Incorrect dear sir. The first Kentucky Fried Chicken was in a nowhere town named Corbin, KY. It was originally a Bed and Breakfast that had fantastic chicken. It’s about an hour north of Knoxville, TN.
Jul 29th, 2008
Kyle
Some others: Nerds, frozen burritos, Laffy-Taffy, Hamburger Helper, Now-n-laters, Jeno’s frozen pizzas, Jolt Cola, and those cheeze spread cracker kits with the red cheese spreading stick. Not to mention 80% of the breakfast cerial section at the grocery store.
Jul 29th, 2008
Oddibe Kerfeld
Don’t forget that the Dollar Store has a great deal on Fig Nortons.
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/dollar_store_has_great_deal
Jul 29th, 2008
Mike
Can you read, DGL? The rumor debunked on Snopes as “False”
was that KFC changed its name to eliminate the word “Fried,” which was commonly thought The post goes on to show that the word “Kentucky” was actually the larger problem. Shaun was right. Read the article: “In 1990, the Commonwealth of Kentucky, mired in debt took the unusual step of trademarking [its] name…anyone using the word ‘Kentucky’ for business reasons” would “have to pay licensing fees to the Commonwealth of Kentucky.” Shaun was right.
DGL said:
“Shaun refers to a Snopes KFC Name Change page with the comment, “I guess if I want the research done, I have to do it myself.”
I’m not sure if he totally missed the point or is making an incredibly subtle and ironic joke, because the Snopes page is in their “The Repository Of Lost Legends” (TROLL) section, which is a bunch of spoofs, the motivation for which is to show people that they shouldn’t take single authority sources at face value, but should do their own research.
Kentucky never trademarked their name, the KFC rebranding had nothing to do with license payments, the Kentucky Derby was always the Kentucky Derby, and yes, Neil Diamond fans could still “Kentucky Woman” on radio playlists.”
Jul 29th, 2008
Glen
“Playing hungry. That’s how I became the first Chief to lead the NFL in rushing. But building up yardage really builds up my appetite. That’s why I like to tackle it with Hungry Man frozen dinners and pot pies…with big, extra portions that taste extra good. Take it from me, Christian Okoye.”
I will always and forever associate Hungry Man with The Nightmare.
Jul 29th, 2008
Curtis
Circus peanuts? I used to love those. Now the closest description I can think of is waxy styrofoam.
Jul 29th, 2008
Vin
I’d probably take out Fig Newtons, Pop Tarts and KFC. Fig Newtons, to me, always seemed more like one of those things that some people love and some people hate, regardless of age. Personally, I don’t care for ‘em. Pop Tarts and KFC, while definitely better when you are a kid, don’t quite rise to the level of Pixifood, IMO - they’re still tolerable.
I also totally agree with the addition of pretty much any sweet, candy-like cereal. When I was a kid, my mom wouldn’t let me eat that stuff, so whenever I stayed with a friend or relative it was like this big treat to be able to have it. Now, I’m only in my 20s, but not only does that crap look like a root-canal-in-a-box, but, seriously, who wants to eat candy in the morning?
Also Cadbury Creme eggs, as someone mentioned. I used to look forward to those every Easter. I had one recently and after one bite I threw the rest out.
My suggestion for Pixifood: McDonald’s. As a kid, a trip to McDonald’s is an experience, a reward for good behavior, something to look forward to. You eat those nuggets or burgers and they get little toys with them! How cool is that!
As an adult, McDonald’s something you eat only when you are desperate. The menu ranges from tolerable-in-a-pinch (some of the chicken, the breakfast biscuits) to downright awful (nearly all the burgers). And I’m not even getting into all the health issues.
Jul 29th, 2008
Justyo
This will probably elicit a bunch of nay sayers but I firmly nominate “Jaw Breakers” as a pixi-food. I got one for my son and I a few weeks back and as he started sucking in 3 yr. old bliss I could not believe how any human being could possibly keep that thing in their mouth long enough for it to um… dissolve. I spit mine out after a few minutes and reached for his but he refused to let it go. Also, I forgot about the “prize” in the center of those things. Ancient pixie-stick sugar, condensed into some kind of solid matter guaranteed to produce 6-7 cavities. Also, the half-life of those things has got to be a million years or so. I can picture a distant future of raised seas, cockroaches and millions of Jaw-Breakers.
At least I give them credit for truth in advertising. Though “tooth breakers” might be a bit more apt.
Jul 29th, 2008
Andy
To Mike, who seems to think he’s debunking DGL:
No, Shaun was not right. DGL is right. Click the link again. Go down to the bottom of the page and click the icon where it says “More information about this page.” The editors of Snopes reveal that they made the whole damn thing up, along with everything else in the TROLL section (including one that states Mr. Ed was played by a zebra), to prove you should never believe something based on only one “reliable” source.
So, not only have you proved their point, you’ve also made yourself look like a fool, even though DGL already spelled this out for you in his post. And I think you should apologize to him. Or, I guess, just keep taking everything you read as truth the first time you see it. I’ve got some great email forwards I can send you.
Jul 29th, 2008
Al
Just a brief personal story about Spagheti-Os (yes the meatball variety). As a kid, I LOVED them, couldn’t eat them often enough! Anyway, one night my Dad took me out to a concert after I had wolfed down a can of my favorite O’s. After a few hours we came home. I started feeling a little quesy, and quite a bit sweaty. Suddenly, as we came into the house, I felt like I was going to get sick.
I ran to the john, but didn’t quite make it, and threw up ALL OVER the Bathroom. Yup- toilet, floor, ceiling, mirror, sink, etc. Meatball Spagetti-O’s. My Mom was very angry at me, and made me clean it all up. Horrible. Never ate them again.
To this day, every time (and I am not exageratting EVERY TIME) I see a can of meatball Spaghetti-O’s in the supermarket, I recall that experience and start feeling a bit quesy. I’m 48. That’s a long time to remember.
Jul 29th, 2008
Scott de B.
Fig Newtons are great. As for why figs, you haven’t lived unless you’ve eaten fresh figs. A truly heavenly fruit. Hard to come by in the States, though.
Jul 29th, 2008
Greg
How about Slim-Jims?
As a child, tastes like spicy beef.
As an adult, tastes like heavily salted grease.
Jul 29th, 2008
Monkeyhawk
Cheez-Whiz –
Now with 20% More Whiz!
When I was a kid, that was Mom’s macaroni-and-
cheese“cheez” mix. She always served it with spinach and, with some apple cider vinegar, the spinach was prettygoodnot awful.Since then, Kraft Mac & Cheese is the gold standard for kids’ macaroni and cheese. I hate that stuff. And I’m glad I hate that stuff. Because if I didn’t hate that stuff I’d eat it more often, and I just hate it.
Ah! But does anyone remember Cafe Lulu years ago down near the KU Med Center on 39th Street? Lulu actually had her 5-cheese macaroni and cheese on the menu. And that’s the way I make it now, combining swiss and cheddar and bleu and parmesan and provolone or mozzarella… whatever’s getting old in the fridge. Good stuff. Especially with spinach and some vinegar on the side.
But Cheez-Whiz? Velveeta? I always figured anything that’s required by law to define itself as “food” (as in, “imitation pasteurized processed partial-dairy food product”) might be wise to stay away from.
How ’bout maraschino cherries? Brach’s used to have the elegant chocolate-covered cherries; chocolate, white sugary goop, and a maraschino cherry — the Insulin Trifecta!
I went to breakfast a while back with a childhood friend and she saw Sifer’s Val-O-Milk cups for sale! She was really excited at the prospect for a moment, then said, “But I didn’t really like them all that much when I was a kid.” She opted out of the Pixifood temptation.
Wise girl.
Probably such wisdom is the reason she never let me get past 3rd Base when we dated in high school.
Maybe, if you go to St. Joseph, Missouri, you can still get Cherry Mash. I dunno. Didn’t like ‘em then and have no desire — not even tempted — to try one again.
Jul 29th, 2008
Monkeyhawk
There are two different kinds of people in the world:
– Those who pronounced them “Ju-Ju-Bees,” and…
– Those who pronounced them “Ju-Jubes.”
This was important for being cool in the fifth grade.
Problem is, after you sucked all the cinnamon coating off, you were left with a flavorless gelatinous pellet that offered nothing but gunk that stuck to your teeth. An ex-girlfriend once told me the key to kids’ candy is that it sticks to your teeth.
Milk Duds — does anyone even want to try one again to test their Pixifood bona fides? Not I.
About the time I got my first car, there was a small regional chain of burger joints, “The Floating Henry-Burger.” Their secret recipe is that they dropped skinny hamburger patties in deep fat and, when the patty floated to the top, it was done! Kids who liked Floating Henry-Burgers were the same ones who, in 5th Grade, called them “Ju-Jubes.”
Losers.
Jul 29th, 2008
ajnrules
It seems like almost all of the breakfast cereals targeted at kids are Pixie Foods: Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, Cookie Crisp, Captain Crunch, and the ultimate cereal Pixifood: Trix
As a child it tastes like: fruity goodness in every bite
As an adult it tastes like: cardboard with artificial flavoring
Yeah, one of the most famous ad campaigns actually has some truth to it. Anyways, I always felt that by forcibly denying the rabbit his Trix, they were adding to his obsession. It’s kind of like the forbidden fruit effect. Anyways, I remember thinking that if he actually had some Trix he wouldn’t love them so much anymore as early as 13 or so. I still love Froot Loops, though.
I still love KFC. Popeye’s may be good, but it can’t match up with the chicken from KFC. Perhaps it’s because I’m Chinese, and Chinese are all about KFC. I believe it’s the largest fast food chain in China…just as a word of warning for when you’re at the Olympics.
Jul 29th, 2008
twayn
Moon Pie (aka Scooter Pie)
As a child it tastes like: The perfect S’more without the hassle of a campfire.
As an adult it tastes like: A dog’s rubber hockey puck chew toy.
Tidbits: Created in 1917 by the Chattanooga Bakery as a snack for hungry coal miners, the Moon Pie consists of two graham cracker cookies surrounding a marshmallow center, coated with milk chocolate. My father bought me my first moon pie one summer as we visited family in Oklahoma when I was a lad of about six. It was the best thing I had ever tasted at the time, pure sugary, crunchy, chocolatey, chewy marshmallowey divinity, and eventually became an addiction, though not an easy addiction to maintain as the supply of moon pies in the Midwest was rather spotty. Your best bet for finding them was at truck stops and gritty, out-of-the-way gas stations run by guys named Merle or Lester. The last time I had one was a few years ago while on a business trip to Atlanta. I was in the hotel gift shop looking for a few trinkets to bring home to my kids when I turned the corner and there they were. I bought three of them, took them up to my room, and dug in. The first one, I tried to convince myself, wasn’t so bad, but not nearly as good as I remembered. In reality, the chocolate coating tasted like cocoa-laced candle wax, the graham cracker like stale All-Bran cereal, and the marshmallow center had the rough consistency of Flubber. By the time I finished the second I was feeling a little queasy. I had to throw away the third to stave off a full-blown diabetic coma, and I’m not even diabetic.
Jul 29th, 2008
Chris
Terrific post, Joe. I happened to see Candy Cigarettes the other day…I couldn’t believe they were still made. Even as kids in the 70s we had the sense to know that they were a ridiculous idea.
Re. the KFC name change, not sure who’s right about why they changed it (I always assumed it was to somehow make the product seem less unhealthy by not including “fried” as part of the name).
Similar changes were made by Kellogg’s cereals, though, when they dropped the names “Sugar Pops” (in favor of the healthier-sounding “Corn Pops”) and “Sugar Smacks” (which are now knows as “Honey Smacks”). Somehow, I don’t think I’d be begging mom to bring home Honey Smacks, but when it was called Sugar Smacks, I couldn’t get enough…
Jul 29th, 2008
Pokey Joe
I’m 45. I love Tang. For my money you’re just mixing it w/too much water…
Jul 29th, 2008
Dan
Lil’ Debbies. When you bite into an Oatmeal Pie as an adult, your teeth start vibrating from the sugar. It’s as if your fillings are picking up a broadcast from the pits of hell. And with the price of oil skyrocketing, I’m surprised Swiss Cake Rolls are still cheap. The icing must be 99% plastic. My Dad ate them everyday for years, but somehow, someway, never had a lil’ bypass.
Jul 29th, 2008
Brad
I’m in college, so I’m not sure I am eligible to get in on this old guy conversation, but I would like to add Jolly Ranchers to the list. A teacher’s treat later became sticky terribleness.
Jul 29th, 2008
Robert Denby
Starburst
As a child: chewy, fruity goodness
As an adult: filling removal system
Re: Pixie Stix- I get nostalgic thinking that, at one time, parents never batted an eye at giving their children a three foot long plastic tube filled with colored sugar as a treat.
Jul 29th, 2008
Joe
My nominee is “Star Crunch”
Pictured here: http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh83/esquivelanthony/star1.gif
As a kid: tastes like chocolate cookie crunchy madness
As an adult: tastes like sponge
Jul 29th, 2008
Ryan
Little Debbie’s–Nutty Bars– would be my pixifood.
As a child: Nutty Bars taste like chocolate/peanut butter bliss.
As an adult: These taste like peanut cardboard coco.
Jul 29th, 2008
Minda's Mom
I nearly died for a Necco wafer when I was 4 years old. Literally. I was choking on one. Luckily, my mom used the technique she had just learned at the PTA’s first aid class to dislodge the Necco wafer. Also, when I was 8 years old Tang gifted me with a world-class case of hives.
Jul 29th, 2008
Windier E. Megatons
I ate some cotton candy just the other day. Granted, I’m only 26.
Jul 29th, 2008
TC
Fig Newtons definitely aren’t as good now as they were yesteryear. However, real figs are damn delicious. Slice in half. Scoop out their guts. Stick some good bleu cheese in there. Wrap in bacon. This “snack” is so good you’ll imagine the Royals winning the pennant. This year.
Jul 29th, 2008
caryn
Razzles!!!
First it’s a candy, then it’s a gum.
it’s basically grainy sugar that gets stuck in every crevice in your teeth.
KFC is good depending on where you live. I wouldn’t eat it anywhere in New York, where we call it ‘Kentucky Fried Rat’ (and that was before the infamous KFC that got shut down by the department of health for being a rat convention).
Jul 29th, 2008
paul
I disagree that kids don’t work hard. Kids are always running around, growing, etc. They’re HUNGRY. The camping mention is key, I think. When I backpack, all of these foods would taste good. One one backpacking trip I had liquidy instant mashed potatoes, fake bacon bits, cheese and tuna all heavily salted and it was the best food ever. I think these foods don’t taste good now because we all just sit around reading Joe’s blog. If we’d get some exercise, we could probably handle a poptart or two.
Jul 29th, 2008
Pecota Pete
What about non-tradish foods like dirt or gum you find on the ground? Or even gum you put in the freezer to save the flavor.
When I was 17 I took a piece of gum chewed it then left it there for like three months came back and let me tell you- it wasn’t quite as good as when I used to do that when I was like 14 or 16.
Jul 29th, 2008
Steve Buffum
Peeps (and, for that matter, Circus Peanuts) may not be included as Pixifood because they were consider foul non-food even when my friends and I were young.
I might listen to testimony on Peeps, but not Circus Peanuts.
Fruity Pebbles (or their generic equivalent, “Fruit Shards”) should be on the list, though. Also strawberry Twizzlers.
Jul 29th, 2008
Creston
“How in the hell did anyone think it would be a good idea to give kids candy cigarettes as some sort of simulation of the real thing?”
Um, for the longest time, cigarettes were advertised as the epitome of manliness, and you could buy Marlboro backpacks and lunchboxes and whatever merchandise you wanted. Every car in F1 was a driving cigarette carton.
It took governments awhile (200 years) to figure out that inhaling SMOKE is bad for you, mmmkay?
Jul 29th, 2008
Mike C
Has anyone seen the Malcolm in the Middle where Francis ate 100 peeps in military school? Awesome.
Jul 29th, 2008
Creston
”
My nominee: Cadbury Cream Eggs
As a kid: The world’s best chocolate filled with sweet, happy goodness.
Now: Taste is indiscernible because all you can focus on is how badly it makes your teeth hurt.
”
Ugh, seconded!
Jul 29th, 2008
Josh in DC
There was an episode of Cheers in which Woody — the character, yes, but keep in mind, the actor had to actually do it — shoved an entire Snowball in his mouth. “They’re bite-sized!” he said.
Jul 29th, 2008
David Dubbert
what about tootsie rolls? How did these get left off? They’re so deliciously chewy and long lasting as a kid, and mildly resemble slugs to an adult.
Jul 29th, 2008
Dusty
i must be too young or something because i still LOVE:
candy cigarettes, fun dip, cotton candy, kfc, necco wafers AND pop tarts.
damn.
Jul 29th, 2008
Pope
What about those gigantic jaw breakers that literally became pixifood before you were done with them? They should get the self-fulfilling pixifood award or something…
Jul 29th, 2008
RS
Love this post, and I had a couple of entries come to mind:
Chicken Fried Steak
As a child: Gourmet succulence (and the happiest day of the week in the school cafeteria)
As an adult: Tastes like gravy waterboarding
I also throw fried bologna in there. I used to love fried bologna sandwiches when I was a kid and it was an added plus that I could even cook them. As an adult, just the smell of bologna makes me nauseaus. Also, whoever came up with the Cadbury Eggs reference is spot-on.
Jul 29th, 2008
Steve from Cleve
If you don’t like Cadbury Cream Eggs, you’re a communist.
Also, Jolly Ranchers are still good, but you need to accept the fact that they will make your teeth sticky, and they will make everything taste like Jolly Rancher for the next 30 hours or so.
Jul 29th, 2008
Marco
I second (third? fifth?) the cadbury creme egg suggestion. (BTW, does anyone remember when cadbury reduced the size of the creme eggs and then lied, claiming they hadn’t?)
Also, I’m a little disappointed that my suggestion of the bologna and cheese sandwich from the first pixipost didn’t make the cut. I can remember with great fondness getting a bologna and american cheese (two slices of each, alternated) sandwich on white bread.
Now bologna tastes like sliced congealed pan drippings. Six shades of awful.
Jul 29th, 2008
Chipmaker
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
As a child: cheezy, creamy glop.
As an adult: roadkill.
This is specifically for KRAFT brand Mac ‘n Cheese; there are other, good-tasting brands, particularly Annie’s. How vacuum-packed, powdered cheese can go stale if not completely bad is a mystery. Butter and milk fresh from the cow cannot save this material.
McDonald’s Big Mac
As a child: three-course gourmet dinner.
As an adult: compost heap.
Many, many years ago I worked at a McDonald’s. We were entitled to one sandwich, gratis, on our break if working 4+ hours. One day I decided to have a Big Mac, wondering why I had not eaten one in a very, very long time (a decade at least). One bite reminded me why I hadn’t eaten one in a very, very long time. It’s like a failure by committee — the burger patties are okay, the bun is okay (if too much), the cheese is pretty good, the lettuce is okay, the onion bits are fair, the pickles are okay, the ketchup and mustard are just doing their thing — no problems. There is the secret sauce, though, which the Big Mac cannot do without and yet which utterly destroys the sensory experience. I guess that’s why it’s a secret.
Jul 29th, 2008
Jhohnny
Let’s not forget the most important part of the candy cigarette experience, and that is, when you put a fresh one in your mouth, blow firmly so that a puff of smoke in the form of powdered sugar comes out the other end. Just like Dad does it.
Jul 29th, 2008
Nate
Oh man, Jolly Ranchers… that has to be the quintessential young person pixifood… good call Brad, I used to love those things and then I had one recently (also in college) and I couldn’t believe how disgusting I thought it was…
There is probably a very narrow age range that could appreciate this one but does anyone else remember Wardheads candy? The kind that tastes really really sour on purpose for like 20 seconds until you get down to the regular hard candy underneath? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warheads_(confectionery)
Granted the sour part was only fun in a masochistic way even as a kid, I used to think the candy was pretty good. “Used to” being the most relevant words.
Jul 29th, 2008
Pedro Borbon's Mighty Arm
James H,
I am a native of that “nowhere town” of Corbin, KY and work there today. The “fantastic chicken” to which you refer was the creation of Harlan D. Sanders at what was then known as Sanders Court and Cafe. It was a prime traveler’s stop back in the day before the interstate. My father and uncle operated a service station across the road from Mr. Sanders’ (he wasn’t the Colonel then) establishment and told our family many stories from their acquaintance with him. When I-75 came through the area with exits a few miles away both north and south, he saw the writing on the wall and sold out. He knew he had a good thing with his chicken recipe and eventually sold it to an enterprising young Kentuckian named John Y. Brown. H.D. Sanders became the Colonel and Kentucky Fried Chicken was born. No doubt the quality of the food suffered in mass production; the Colonel rather famously later opined that the fast-food version of the gravy “tasted like wallpaper paste”.
In a sports-related aside, John Y. Brown sold his interest in Kentucky Fried Chicken for many millions, and bought the Kentucky Colonels of the ABA. They won the title in 1975, but he thought the price of admission too high when the league merged into the NBA a couple of years later and folded that proud franchise in exchange for what I remember to be no more than $3 million. That piece of short-sightedness has long been rued in our state. He went on to buy the Boston Celtics. Long-time fans of that legendary franchise would rather endure a widespread leprosy epidemic than relive his association with the C’s.
I think I speak for most Corbinites when I say we would rather be geopositioned as one hour south of Lexington, KY than one hour north of Knoxville, TN. Also, just speaking personally, I still love chicken-fried (or country-fried, depending on your geopositioning) steak, and Little Debbie oatmeal cakes. And, in the interests of full disclosure, although I think KFC chicken is more than edible, I prefer Bojangles. I hope I don’t get run out of town.
Jul 29th, 2008
Chris
Caryn,
Great call with Razzles! I had completely forgotten about them!
Jhonny- you nailed it with the “puff of smoke” candy cigarette experience. I remember clearly doing that every time!
Jul 29th, 2008
Mark H
Johnny, you beat me to it! Every once in a while I find cany cigs, but they’re usually just the edible candy sticks. The REAL gems were the ones you mentioned, that were rounds of bubble gum, with a layer of powered sugar, wrapped in a cig wrapper. You stick the end in your mouth and blow… Poof! a “puff” of smoke.
You can stil find them frm time to time, but they’re pretty rare these days.
Jul 29th, 2008
Dr.Funkenstein
Charleston Chew
As a kid: the candy bar that won’t end!
As an adult: Why is this not dissolving in my mouth?
Jul 29th, 2008
Kelly
I nominate Pop Rocks.
As a kid: LOUD sugary tickling awesomness
As an adult: Sort of like putting exploding pebbles dipped in acid in your mouth
My best friend from childhood decided for my 28th birthday to send me a whole box of our favorite candy including these. I popped those suckers in my mouth and oh my god. Couldn’t spit them out, couldn’t swallow them, just sat there and felt weird for 12 seconds, called my friend, and told her she’d be getting a case of Laffy Taffy in the mail.
The urban legend of Mikey from life cereal dying after eating the pop rocks and drinking Pepsi was just a fantastic use of pop culture in my opinion.
Jul 29th, 2008
John Stodalka
Tang mixed into a straight vodka ain’t bad.
Jul 29th, 2008
Alan
I’m from Kentucky. I went to Kentucky (UK). I watched the Colonels growing up - Dan Issel, Louie Dampier, Wendell Ladner, Artis Gilmore… And I say, Krispy Kreme.
Jul 29th, 2008
David Wintheiser
Sorry, Robert Denby - I started keeping a tray of Starburst at my cube when I realized that most of the folks in the office don’t care for chocolate and have people stopping by every day to grab some. Granted, the more exotic ‘tropical fruits’ flavors can get a bit weird, but the classic four-flavor Starbursts are as cool as ever.
I’d nominate my own, but pretty much everyone else has covered the ones I’d have nominated. Closest I can come without repeating someone else’s suggestion is cream soda, and I know adults who absolutely love it.
Jul 29th, 2008
John R
Chipmaker, I question your memory of the Big Mac. There’s no ketchup or mustard on a Big Mac. If you like there’s a song I can teach you to help you remember the ingredients.
Jul 29th, 2008
Scotty
Don’t go messin’ with my Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda. I love that stuff.
And that Krispy Kreme voter is in thin icing. The only thing better than catching them right off the conveyor belt is grilling a not-so-fresh one yourself in just a little bit of butter and topping it with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. It wasn’t health food to begin with, so don’t worry about it. Try it. You’ll thank me later.
As for Mac & Cheese, I lived on that as a kid and now it’s practically the only thing that keeps my 4-year-old daughter from starving. It’s still pretty darn good in my book … but you have to fix it properly. Neither my wife nor my mother-in-law have any idea how to make it right and even my 4-year-old can tell. If you boil the noodles more than 8 minutes max, just throw them away. It’s ruined. And go heavier on the butter and lighter on the milk.
Jul 29th, 2008
Jeremy
Monkeyhawk mentioned maraschino cherries, with which I heartily agree.
As a kid: Bright red fruity goodness in your Shirley Temple.
As an adult: Two parts cough syrup, one part power steering fluid.
I was maybe twelve when I learned how they actually make those things. I still don’t understand why anyone would do that to a cherry.
Jul 30th, 2008
Jason
Lotta good mentions here, but I have to disagree with a few before bringing up my own…
Kraft Mac & Cheese: Scotty is absolutely right…it’s all in who’s making it. My wife couldn’t make a box of that stuff taste good if she added duck confit. But if I make it…maybe it’s how I stir the noodles, I dunno, but it tastes damn good. Not quite as good as when I was a child and I lived off the stuff, but still a cheap and easy meal.
Whoever said microwave burritos has cut a hole into my heart…the key to those is to drown them in butter after they come out of the microwave…healthy I know, but still delicious.
My pixifood…probably skirting the parameters a bit here, but I nominate Coca-Cola. I still drink the stuff out of habit, but as a kid, it’s a sweet fizzy reward that you can look forward to for a day. As an adult, it’s a syrupy mess that should only be used as a mixer for cheap bourbon.
Jul 30th, 2008
Brent
Jason:
I was going to say Coca Cola too. I used to love it as a kid, but too much of a good thing just killed it for me. It happened to me during finals of my first year of law school. Drinking 7 or 8 Cokes/day is probably not too healthy and after a while, they all start tasting like sugar. So I finally had to switch to Diet Coke. Now, if I HAVE to drink an actual Coke (because my wife forgot to get DC at the store), it tastes just like drinking liquid sugar AND it gives me a stomach ache after half a can.
Jul 30th, 2008
Nathan
Brent-
What building in the loop has the Big League Chew? I have a good friend here in Chicago (a native Kansas Citian as well) who loves the stuff, but has a hard time finding it.
Jul 30th, 2008
James
I do believe that the next vote should be what is the biggest pixifood,
Joe, when the vote is over for pitchers, this has to be next.
Jul 30th, 2008
Dru
I’m a little shocked that no one has mentioned Flavor Ice. Frozen sugar water was pretty much the finest summer treat ever when I was a kid. But only blue, green or red. Orange sucked. Now I’m too terrified of diabetes to try them.
Jul 30th, 2008
hopeforCleveland
Ovaltine sucks. So do their commercials.
Jul 30th, 2008
ThatsRich
Rather than a Pozcars-style vote, I think the list should remain comprehensive.
What we really need is a stat. A Pixi-food Parameter, if you will.
Your PP equals the number of Pixifoods you still enjoy periodically as an adult. There would be a scale.
0-1 You were probably the kind of kid who not only ate, but liked your brussels sprouts
2-3 A little childlike indulgence never hurt anyone
4-5 You’re either an arrested adolescent or you’re trying to increase the heart failure statistics for your demographic
6+ You should be carring a pocket defibrulator at all times
I would also nominate “old tyme Christmas candy” for the next round.
In particular, the “old tyme Christmas candy” was the epitome of sugary goodness and Christmas morning all rolled into one. In our small town, Santa made his annual visit to our Fire Hall and passed out small paper sacks of “Christmas candy” and peanuts in the shell - mixed. Given the ultra-sticky surface of most of the candy, every piece carried a liberal dusting of peanut parts. We didn’t care.
As an adult it all tastes like it’s been sitting in Grandma’s candy dish since 1952. Even without the peanut dust.
Jul 30th, 2008
Brent
Nathan:
10 S. Riverside Plaza, building is on top of the back entrance (Madison Street entrance) to Union Station.
Jul 30th, 2008
Alex
I almost emailed Joe this one: Astropops
As a child it tastes like: A sweet flavored nectar of the gods, almost made slide, with a hint of outer space.
As an adult it tastes like: A too sweet, unflavored semi-solid mass, with a hint of outer space.
Tidbits: Sold by the ice cream man, these things were sugar cones on popsicle sticks. I don’t mean sugar cones, like the best kind of cone for ice cream. I mean a solid, narrow 3″ cone made of sugar. Really. Ingredient #1 was sugar, and ingredient #2 was corn syrup. I think that ingredient #3 was another form of sugar.
The fun of these things was that they were no exactly solid. Rather, they were hard, but with some heat and some saliva, they’d become a little flexible, even stretchy. Add the disgusting red and green artificial colors, and you had a translucent mess.
They should have come with a warning, though. While “soft” if you bit down too hard, they wouldn’t let go of your teeth.
How bad were they? Well, even kids eventually realized that they were too much. The first few were special and well loved, but few went back and had them the next year.
Jul 30th, 2008
bennoj
One of the benefits of being a diabetic is that I can’t go back and try many of these things again to ruin my memories of them.
My personal theory is that one of the last effects of puberty is a major change to the way taste buds work. The ’sweet’ area of the tongue loses it’s dominance and ’salt’ and ‘bitter’ areas increase theirs.
I’d also take Fig Newtons off the list. As long as you keep them from drying out, the cookie (or ‘cake’ as one advertising campaign claimed) part stays soft. And to respond to one early comment, I, for one, have eaten plain old figs many times.
Jul 30th, 2008
Bellylard
Some of this stuff tastes worse because they use high-fructose corn syrup instead of sugar. Coke and Pepsi are much better when you get it kosher or outside this country where sugar is still used.
I’m definitely on that diabetes/heart attack list, I still eat like I’m a five-year old. Well, except for the habenero sauce I ladle on things.
Wonder bread is pixiefood. I don’t bother with that stuff.
Andy Capp’s Pub fries have a flavor such that you really need a good imagination to remember there’s supposed to be potatoes in there somehow. I ate those all the time, can’t imagine why I had to.
Jul 30th, 2008
Dusty
what is wrong with you people !!!
flavor ice?!?@!?@ (aka mr. freezes aka otter pops aka whatever else they are called). i could still eat like 16 of those things in one sitting.
and astropops ?? only the best sucker ever !!!!
macaroni and cheese? still amazing.
you have all put a tear in this man’s eye today :’(
Jul 30th, 2008
Phil Gurnee
Captain Crunch was my favorite breakfeast. As an adult it shreads my palette faster then a scorching pizza.
Still like Fig Newtons and once every 3 months I’ll partake in KFC. My cats love the biscuits.
Jul 30th, 2008
bobby
110 comments and no love for the Fluffernutter? Too sweet for lunch but perfect for dessert.
Jul 30th, 2008
Damien
The story I got was that Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC because Kentucky the state decided to start charging royalties for the use of the name
Jul 30th, 2008
dq
Frosted Flakes - to a kid “They’re great!!!!!”
To an adult - fake sugar and fake cardboard
Jul 30th, 2008
MattieShoes
I didn’t like most of the things listed even as a kid. Tang would be the exception (and I still like it!).
As for the turkey TV dinners, I think it’s the food that’s changed, not the taste buds. The ones from my childhood that came in a metal tray and took 45 minutes to cook in a conventional oven — Thoes were good. As soon as they went to plastic microwave stuff, the quality went out the window.
Here’s one for you — bubble gum ice cream. I thought that was the COOLEST when I was little, but even then, I think I realized it wasn’t really that good tasting, it was just COOL.
Jul 30th, 2008
youthwithoutyouth
Ah, the memories. I can remember riding my bike to the corner drug store and buying comic books. I would always have a large cherry vanilla phosphate, and i would pick up a few boxes of Lemonheads and Boston Baked Beans, as well as a handful of atomic fireballs to suck and munch on as I perused the continuing adventures of the X-men. Like-a-maid stix were also on the menu, as well as button candy and scratch and sniff stickers from another store nearby. Peeps and Cadbury were a must at Easter. What about the gigantic pinwheel lolipops found on local family road trip vacations? It all sounds like tooth decay waiting to happen now.
Jul 30th, 2008
alex
How about a post concerning food that we hated as kids but love as adults? I nominate Dark Chocolate.
Jul 31st, 2008
BrianGriffinStillLovesYou
Pop-Tarts: as a kid, raw was great. As an adult of some middling but incomprehensible age, they MUST be toasted in a real toaster-oven, and they MUST be brown sugar cinnamon (& NOT the low-fat variety). Additionally, they MUST be eaten as soon as they are cool enough not to peel the skin off off the roof of the mouth, or the carmelized sugar and warm tenderness becomes hard, flat, only slightly-edible slate.
Jul 31st, 2008
Richard Aronson
I have to concur with the Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese comments. There’s a new kind (Amy’s, I think, mostly organic and has a rabbit on the box, which amuses the lupine lover I married) which is drastically better. But after I first made real Mac ‘n’ Cheese (following Joy of Cooking recipes, three different types of cheeses) and the daughter wouldn’t touch it, I realized Kraft is bad. And the thing is, with most of those kinds of freeze dried foods, like Top Ramen, with a little creativity you can manage to make them okay, adding some mushrooms or scrambled eggs, add some real spices instead of the packaged spices. But Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese is unimprovable.
And I’m absolutely in agreement with Spaghetti O’s with meatballs. I used to be able to eat that every day. Last time I tried it, I was ashamed of myself. I’m right there with the comments on Cotton Candy, and most of the candies.
But the pixifood nobody has mentioned, a staple of far too many camping trips, was Chung King Chow Mein. I have no idea why I used to like it. I guess it was just that when you’re camping, you’re usually hiking a lot, and so hungry that anything with calories tastes good.
Aug 1st, 2008
Harv
Regarding the name change from “Kentucky Fried Chicken” to “KFC” - I think this was made because the pieces of food that you get CANNOT be identified as chicken. Based on their shape and size, you are not getting wings, drumsticks, thighs or breasts…you are getting chopped up parts of some alien chicken tasting creature.
Aug 1st, 2008
Creston
” you have all put a tear in this man’s eye today :’( ”
At least we’re not clogging your bases, Dusty!
Aug 1st, 2008
JB
The only explanation is that the food conglomerates have obviously changed the once-perfect ingredients of all of these once-perfect foods.
Aug 1st, 2008
Marshall
Joe,
Thanks for the link to the Hungry Man website. I can’t get anything done at work while trying to dominate the Hungry Man Pool Hall and pressing my luck against the “cruel, calculating casino dealer.”
Aug 1st, 2008
John R
How are people still getting the KFC name change wrong here? It’s been linked to several times on this page. The state of Kentucky did not start asking for royalties. That’s a joke page made by Snopes to show the folly of relying on authorities without doing your own research.
For the record here’s the snopes page debunking Harv’s claim that they no longer sell “chickens” so were forced to rename.
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/kfc.asp
And here’s the page which (falsely) claims that the name change was spurred by Kentucky’s money grab.
http://www.snopes.com/lost/kfc.asp
Again, that above link is pure hokum. Here’s where they let you in on the joke.
http://www.snopes.com/lost/false.asp
Aug 3rd, 2008
sam jackson's love child
“Kentucky Fried Chicken
As a child it tastes like: Picnics in the park.
As an adult it tastes like: Salt.”
from someone that spent a few months workintg at KFC to support his volunteer habit:
original recipe chicken: 3 pounds of salt per 25 pounds of flour.
Aug 21st, 2008
Deacon Street
Pop-Tarts? Pop-Tarts are always good. Cold or Hot.
Candy Corn as a child was awesome. I could knock a bag of em’ in a sitting. As an adult, I nearly threw up in my kids Halloween bag.
Aug 21st, 2008
T-dawg
The first thing that came to mind for me when reading this blog–OOZE TOOBZ.
As a child tastes like: fun and fruity fabulousness
as an adult tastes like: toxic waste
I used to consu