A Crazy Potus Day

Posted: July 14th, 2008 | Filed under: Media, Other Sports, Pop Culture | 37 Comments »

I will begin here by linking to my my wife Margo’s blog because she too has weighed in on the question that is sweeping the nation, Costner vs. Cruise. What a race!

* * *
I have mentioned this before: I don’t listen to talk radio. This goes back to my brief and spectacularly unsuccessful run as a sports talk show host back in the 1990s. I can’t tell you a lot about those five or six weeks how because I’ve blocked them out, or at least that what my therapist says. The only thing I remember clearly is that one time my radio partner was on location somewhere, and I was in the studio alone (my partner at the time was a radio pro named Brooks Melchior, who now runs the wildly popular Sports By Brooks blog, which in addition to fearuring insightful pictures of women also offers some penetrating and thoughtful photographs of women).

Anyway, at some point the radio connection to my partner went dead. I was all alone. I wrote it this way when I wrote my, “Why I’m leaving radio” column in The Kansas CIty Star:

Everything was quiet. I mean everything. The whole world was quiet. And I was left with the age-old adventure of filling time that has faced every radio voice from Walter Winchell to Orson Welles to Mike to the Mad Dog.

Like those men, I rose to the challenge.

“Uh, you’ve got to say something,” Producer Nate Bukaty* said through the earphones.

“Say what?” I said into the microphone.

“People can hear you.”

“Hear me?” I said into the microphone.

“Yes. Fill time.”

“Fill time?” I said into the microphone.

“Go to a commercial.”

“Commercial?” I said into the microphone.

Yes, it was classic and thoughtful radio, up there, I say humbly, with Edward R. Murrow’s “This is London,” soliloquy.

*OK, I have to tell you a quite Nate Bukaty story — shared with me by Royals announcer Ryan Lefebvre, who I must say took my “Quit griping about the umpires” rebuke with dignity and professionalism though he’s never speaking to me again. Anyway, Ryan was talking to Al Hrabosky, now an announcer, when young Nate (now working as a radio reporter) walked over. Ryan introduced them.

“Wow, Hrabosky,” Nate said. “Is that Polish? I’m Polish.”

At this , as you might imagine, Hrabosky’s face got all red, as it would from time to time. “POLISH?” he shouted. “POLISH? I’m the MAD HUNGARIAN, you moron!”

* * *

OK, where were we? Oh yeah, I remember now … I don’t listen to talk radio. That stuff messes up the wiring in my brain, which I think we all know is pretty tangled up already. So when I’m in the car, I tend to listen to the music on my iPod or, if I’m in the mood, I listen to Potus ‘08 — the XM Radio channel that 24 hours a day covers the race for the presidency. I realize that technically this is talk radio, obviously, pretty much all they do is talk, but it’s really not. It’s mostly interviews with people or speeches by the candidates or chats with obscure politicians (and these people almost always offer comedic gold; people, our country on local levels is being run by the Smothers Brothers). Occasionally they have really cool stuff on there like discussions at the National Press Club or chats about history or discussions about trends or the media or the concept of what a conservative means. The other day, they had an author on there talking about the history of women and African Americans in Congress. I’m a sucker for that sort of stuff. I love my Potus. I would do a Potus ‘08 commercial for free (and I think I just did). I’m a Rebecca Roberts groupie.

OK, so today I get in my car, and I connect my iPod to the speakers, and I get ready to listen to the new Coldplay album again, because I actually think it’s pretty good. Plus I finally got around to downloading that “Frozen Ropes and Dying Quails” baseball album that about 284 different people have recommended, so I wanted to give that a spin.

Only, I thought: Eh, let’s turn on Potus and see what they’re talking about there.

And …

And …

I’m not quite sure how to say this. I’m really not. I turned on Potus, OK? This is a channel whose sole mission is covering the 2008 Presidential election, right? Usually when I turn this on, there are people from Pajamas Media or the Washington Post talking about how both candidates are trying to woo the Hispanic vote or the people from Zogby explaining how, according to their polls, noxious gas garnered a higher approval rating than Congress. This was the mindset I was in. This was what I was expecting to hear.

And …

And …

Yeah. Kevin Costner was on there.

Kevin Costner. At first, I thought it had to be some sort of dream. Have you ever REALLY had that feeling, that feeling where something is so weird that you really do wonder if it’s real. There was no possible way that at this moment in time, when Kevin Costner and Tom Cruise are having their acting battle to the death, that I will just happen to catch Kevin Costner on a radio channel dedicated to the presidential election. But there he was. More than that, he was talking about some new movie that he’s in called “Swing Vote.” I almost drove the car off the road.

I guess in this movie Costner is playing some sort of washout shmoe who, for reasons that can only be clear to a certain kind of Hollywood writer, somehow becomes viewed as the ultimate swing vote. This means that both presidential candidates (it’s Kelsey Grammar vs. Dennis Hopper … now that’s an election) spend millions of dollars trying to woo him personally and get his vote. They send women, money and, apparently, race car driver Richard Petty. OK. The movie doesn’t come out for three weeks, and I’m quite confident I will never, ever see it. But based on the interview it sounds like Costner’s character starts out as a big loser-head* who, after a while, learns the value of his vote and he makes some sort of speech at the end and, yeah, I’m quite confident I will never, ever see it.

*I have a friend who has one of those birthday bears that swears at you. Have you seen these? They’re called Swear Bears, I think, and this one sings a nasty version of Happy Birthday, but it bleeps out the swear words so it it’s like: “Happy birthday, bleep you; happy birthday you (bleeping) jerk; happy birthday you big (bleeping) loser-head; happy birthday, go (bleep) yourself.” The great thing about it, for me, are the bleeps. There’s an option where you can flip a switch and hear the actual swear words, but thankfully she has left the switch on “clean mode”, which I think is a lot funnier. And it has led us to use “loser head” in conversation a lot.

I will say this interview did give me an opportunity to listen to Kevin Costner talk about his art. And I have to say that after hearing him talk about his motivations and how it’s really about the writing and how he put the band back together … yeah, I started thinking that Tom Cruise jumping on the couch didn’t seem too bad. Anyway, with the poll raging (it’s SO close, I told you folks, Costner or Cruise is the question of the ages) I will remind you again that you can read my wife Margo on the subject, and the more hits you give her site and the more nice comments you make, the more likely it is that she will not make me stop writing this blog and go clean out the garage.

BUT, my Potus adventure did not end with the Costner interview. Later, I got in my car again, and I was about to listen to some music again, and instead I put on Potus one more time to get a sense of the election and the latest news on the New Yorker’s horrifying Barack Obama cover, and John McCain’s befuddling comments that he doesn’t know know anything about computers and relies on his wife Cindy to do that sort of thing.

And this time … yeah, I heard about those things. But I heard about them from a SPORTSWRITER. Yeah. It was ESPN.com’s Jeff Pearlman. I like Jeff, like his work, and I thought he was quite good on there talking about a lot of things. But I have to say that it has been a disorienting day.

37 Comments on “A Crazy Potus Day”

  1. 1: Concerned Citizen said at 3:51 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    To be fair, Roger Ebert just did an interview with Costner on his new movie — and if Ebert sought out Costner for an interview, the movie can’t be all that terrible:

    http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080703/PEOPLE/994132453

    And speaking of Jeff Pearlman, he’s got a new book coming out too… and hey, a free blog to pimp his new book, where he talks about the Obama cover and how McCain can’t use a computer… wonder where he got that idea?

    http://jeffpearlman.com/?page_id=7

  2. 2: B.E. Earl said at 4:07 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    I love the POTUS channel on XM. We listen to it all the time. Of course we also listen to Opie & Anthony and Ron & Fez all the time as well.

    Music? There’s music on XM? ;)

  3. 3: Johnny said at 4:08 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Why is a Potus channel needed when every news outlet everywhere is talking about the election (still months away) 24/7?

  4. 4: Mikey said at 4:11 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    I say this as an Obama supporter and contributor: the candidate and (especially) his surrogates have got to lighten the hell up.

    It was a joke. It was a clumsy joke, and yeah not everybody is going to get the intent, but it’s still nothing but a cartoon.

    The constant taking of offense by the Obama campaign is really getting tiresome. What does Bill Burton do on this campaign besides express outrage? Quit crying and show some thicker skin.

    Meanwhile, that new Costner movie sounds awesome. I can’t decide which I’d rather do first, scrape my front teeth down a blackboard or go catch that flick.

  5. 5: Creston said at 4:13 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Btw Joe, I finished your book last night. All I want to say is thanks.

    I wish my dad’s English was better so I could have him read it.

  6. 6: Creston said at 4:16 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    “Why is a Potus channel needed when every news outlet everywhere is talking about the election (still months away) 24/7?”

    For that matter, here is a question I’ve never understood. After the primaries are over, and both candidates are set, why do we need to wait 6 more months to hold the stupid elections? Seriously, is anyone going to change their vote between now and then? Is any amount of blatant lies by either candidate on the TV going to make a statistically significant amount of people say “Hey, wait a minute! That completely changes my mind about candidate X!”

    So why do we have to suffer through it? I’ve always thought hockey was the stupidest thing on the planet, because the season starts up again 0.4 minutes after the final game in the playoffs is over.

    But since the elections now come close to just running for fouyr years, they’re beginning to top hockey. Ugh.

  7. 7: Perry said at 4:35 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Hey Joe, as someone who makes at least part of his living designing surveys, I gotta tell you you made a real rookie mistake on that Cruise/Costner thing when your made your stem read “The lesser actor.” I guarantee you a high percentage of respondents who PREFER Cruise’s acting voted “Cruise,” and vice versa, when the intent was that if one preferred Cruise, one was to select Costner. People just don’t read that carefully, they misinterpret even clear and basic items, and you’re really asking for trouble when you ask people to check the option they DON’T prefer.

  8. 8: Andy said at 5:03 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Cruise’s current lead over Costner is a travesty on par with Crash’s Oscar victory.

  9. 9: Vin said at 5:47 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Joe, you’ve officially made your way on to my “top 5 totally random-ass people I’d like to have a beer with” list. Just, you know, figured I’d let you know. It’s a compliment, really.

    Creston, in 2004 you would have had a point (that election was remarkably stable and had few real undecideds), but this time around there’s actually an unusually high number of voters who are either undecided, or leaning towards one candidate but open to changing their mind. So there actually is a reason for all this. Of course, I’m one of those cheesy people who thinks there’s always a reason for all this, because this is a democracy, people, warts and all. Sure, I could live without all the dumb crap about that New Yorker cover and what Wesley Clark thinks of John McCain’s military record, but on the whole, it’s a good thing that people actually care this time around.

    And that New Yorker piece was actually a very good read. I thought the cover was kinda funny, too – I’m an Obama supporter, but geez, people, learn how to take a goddamn joke.

  10. 10: Vin said at 5:48 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    I use the word “actually” way too much….

  11. 11: Wally said at 6:04 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    You know how I know you’re gay? You listen to Cold Play.

  12. 12: Steve M said at 6:27 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    You know how I know you’re gay? You listen to Cold Play.

    I’ll bet my wartime honorable discharge that you’re wrong. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to play X&Y again.

    Although I am with you in the sense that every time Martin’s wife opens her pie hole I want to hit the universal mute button.

  13. 13: McKingford said at 6:29 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    But based on the interview it sounds like Costner’s character starts out as a big loser-head*

    Well, in this day and age, anyone who is undecided or a swing voter pretty much is. I mean, the candidates are pretty different and stand for pretty different visions of the country. It isn’t that difficult to find out where they stand, so just what the hell is there to be undecided about?

    Sorry – can you tell I have no use for the pandering (both by media and candidates) to the swing voter?

  14. 14: AzHawk said at 6:31 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Everyone uses the word “actually” too much. It is the new “like.” Once you are honed in on it I swear it is all you hear.

  15. 15: RS said at 6:44 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    With regard to your Nate story, I actually know Nate well, and to be fair he had a fairly incisive response to the episode you described above. I believe he said something to the affect of ’so, you’re saying you’re not Polish?’

  16. 16: AzHawk said at 6:46 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Joe – You should have announced that Margo has Hula girls on her blog (know your audience).

  17. 17: Jeff said at 7:02 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    I didnt vote on the poll, I felt to to pick the lesser actor would in essence endorse the other and I just couldnt do that.

  18. 18: Zach said at 8:16 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    The primaries are when candidates get to present the version of themselves that they want you to see. I want the general election to throw them off message a little bit.

  19. 19: Kev said at 9:34 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    “people, our country on local levels is being run by the Smothers Brothers”

    And on the national level by the Marx Brothers and The Three Stooges.

  20. 20: Brian said at 10:24 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Uh, I think I messed up my vote. I fully intended to vote Tom Cruise as the worse actor, but, well, I didn’t read the question. So if this comes down to one vote, it’s my fault. Also, any all and jokes pertaining to Florida circa 2000 are duly noted.

  21. 21: Aaron M. said at 11:05 pm on July 14th, 2008:

    Totally agree Andy. You people may dislike Cruise as a person but you can’t seriously tell me “I can’t wait to see Swingvote!” At least not with a straight face.

  22. 22: Snowman said at 1:19 am on July 15th, 2008:

    As I type this, the vote is a dead heat. 739 votes for Cruise, 739 votes for Costner.

  23. 23: Nate said at 5:18 am on July 15th, 2008:

    Joe,

    Thanks for the shout! I feel like I’ve finally made the big time. No offense taken to the fact that you don’t listen to talk radio. I don’t read internet blogs either!

    Keep up the good work.

    Nate

  24. 24: Drew said at 7:38 am on July 15th, 2008:

    It’s a TRAP!

  25. 25: Shelby said at 8:05 am on July 15th, 2008:

    Nate is hilarious. His sense of humor is what I miss most about 810 since I’m out-of-range now. I love him. Seriously. I mean, I LOVE him.

  26. 26: G Young said at 8:57 am on July 15th, 2008:

    I believe Charles Kuralt once had sex with Nate Bukaty “On The Road.”

    http://www.fakenews.net/archive/impressions/kuralt_94_04_09.html

  27. 27: Matt said at 10:14 am on July 15th, 2008:

    I went to iTunes and grabbed “Frozen Ropes and Dying Quail” after reading a little about it.

    “Harvey Haddix” is my new favorite song, although I haven’t listened to “Ted F*********g Williams” yet.

    Thanks, Joe.

  28. 28: James said at 11:45 am on July 15th, 2008:

    The next poll question should be the worst actor or actress to win an Academy Award.

    Speaking of Coldplay, I vote for G. Paltrow.

  29. 29: Snowman said at 4:00 pm on July 15th, 2008:

    Worst actress to win an Oscar: Kim Basinger, hands down, no contest.

  30. 30: Danny said at 6:47 pm on July 15th, 2008:

    Wow. Are people cheating or is this poll just REALLY this close?

    What an incredible topic this Costner v. Cruise question is!

  31. 31: Matt in Toledo said at 8:19 pm on July 15th, 2008:

    Speaking of actually, it’s officially been added to a little editing trick I have always used for “that”. Every time I find myself typing it, I try removing it from the sentence. Almost every time that actually works.

  32. 32: Dusty said at 10:31 pm on July 15th, 2008:

    I saw the preview for Swing Vote a couple weeks ago when I watched Get Smart, and I thought it looked the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE.

  33. 33: Andrew said at 7:31 am on July 16th, 2008:

    I agree with Perry. I am quite sure the poll is skewed big time because of the stem. I almost voted for the wrong actor…
    Although, is there really a RIGHT one?…
    It appears this is going to come down to Florida and Ohio!

  34. 34: Fran said at 7:33 am on July 16th, 2008:

    I messed up my vote too. So that’s another vote for Costner that should’ve gone to Cruise.

  35. 35: STEVE said at 9:29 am on July 16th, 2008:

    Well, with how close the Cruise-Costner voting is here, maybe we can make a movie about how that vote comes down to one guy. It could be Costner himself.

  36. 36: Dr. Smooth said at 11:23 am on July 16th, 2008:

    The “you know how I know you’re gay” line is from The 40 year old Virgin.

    Which I had a good chuckle over, but if you haven’t seen the movie, it doesn’t make any sense.

  37. 37: Craig said at 3:35 pm on July 17th, 2008:

    I can’t vote for either Cruise or Costner. I loved Risky Business and Bull Durham. Nearly everything else they have both done is crap.

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