Jumbo Shrimp

Posted: June 23rd, 2008 | Filed under: Pop Culture | 34 Comments »

I may have mentioned here before that there’s a form of poetry — don’t know the name — where you simply write down everything you know about something. George Carlin died. Here’s what I know about him.

- George Denis Patrick Carlin.
- Born in New York, New York.
- Dropped out of high school. Joined the Air Force.
- “Baseball is played on a diamond. In a park. The baseball park! Come on Dad, let’s go to the park!”
- “Football is played on a gridirion, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.”
Irish Catholic.
- “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man, living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day.”
- Dad was in advertising.
- Seven words you can’t say on television.
- “When I was little, I was told to look up to policemen, and look up to sports stars and look up to the military. And we all know how they speak.”
- Arrested with Lenny Bruce.
- “Jumbo shrimp? I didn’t know if I was going to get a big shrimp or a little jumbo.”
- “Get on the plane? Uh uh lady, I’m getting IN the plane.”
- Voted for McGovern and never voted again.
- “If he’s the undisputed heavyweight champ, why is he always fighting?”
- Voice of a car in “Cars.”
- “Baseball has no time limit, we don’t know when it’s going to end. We might have EXTRA innings!”
- “Football is rigidly timed and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death.”
- Freaked out on Vegas audience, got fired.
- “I’m the hippie-dippy weather man with your hippie-dippy weather … man.”
- Narrative voice of Thomas the Tank Engine.
- Played in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”
- “Football is concerned with downs. What down is it?”
- “Baseball is concerned with ups! Who’s up! Am I up?”
- Introduced the two commandments, and a third: “Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”
- “Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch.”
- “Football has the two-minute warning.”
- Married to Brenda for more than 35 years, until she died of liver cancer.
- Act could get uncomfortably angry in later years.
- Like: “I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever.”
- And: “Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.”
- Listed as a stand-up comedian, actor, author and philosopher on his Wikipedia page.
- “And finally, the objectives of the game are completely different.”
- “In football, the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line.”
- “In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe. I hope I’ll be safe at home!”

34 Comments on “Jumbo Shrimp”

  1. 1: Mikey said at 8:19 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Here’s a line fron The Hollywood Reporter’s obituary of Carlin:

    “Carlin’s comedic sensibility often came back to a central theme: humanity is doomed”

    I found that really funny and appropriate.

  2. 2: Dave B. said at 8:19 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Thank you. Seriously, this is the best obituary we’ll see for one of the most active and brilliant American minds of the 20th/21st century.

  3. 3: AJ said at 8:43 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    A truly brilliant entertainer. Very few Hollywood deaths touch me in my adulthood. But this one truly saddens me.

    The world is way less funny today than it was yesterday.

  4. 4: SBG said at 8:54 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    His bit on the airline experience is classic. Preboarding. Getting on the plane. Clinging to seat cushions in the ocean.

    Great stuff.

  5. 5: John C said at 9:21 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    People, that news story about the airliner scare is WRONG! It was not a near-miss. It was a near HIT!

    G. Carlin

  6. 6: Shawn said at 9:32 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Carlin was brilliant, but got increasingly angrier and scarier through the years. I remember, when I was young, Tony Orlando (and Dawn) had a variety show. In the middle of it, they gave Carlin about five minutes to do his thing. I was just rolling on the floor, week after week. That must’ve been the mid-1970s. He had to be “clean” for TV, but the stuff was drop-dead funny.

  7. 7: mick said at 9:40 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    I never thought George Carlin would die. Even at 71, it seemed the man would always be there to point out how ridiculous life has gotten as time has rolled on. First Tim Russert, now George Carlin. There truly is no one left to ask questions or point out the obvious.

    We ARE doomed.

  8. 8: Steve F said at 9:53 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    My favorite Carlin observation (which comes to mind every day on the road) is that everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac. So true!

  9. 9: will said at 10:37 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Hopefully there will a place to put all the stuff he left behind.

  10. 10: Matt said at 10:41 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Hey, don’t forget about his appearance in Dogma, playing a Catholic cardinal!

    “I think he’s down there now, screaming up at us… and I think he’s in severe pain….” ;-)

  11. 11: Johnny said at 10:45 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Goodnight, Funnyman.

  12. 12: Josh in DC said at 11:17 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    Joe, you’ve really got to have a re-vote for the top 4 vote-getters on these multiple response polls. How else will we, uh … settle these … vital matters of … national importance?

  13. 13: Greg said at 11:51 am on June 23rd, 2008:

    “Tonight’s forecast: dark. Continued dark until morning, when there will be scattered light.”

    “You see all these low pressure systems on the weather map? Man, that’s a lot of lows. What this country need is more highs.”

    – Al Sleet, the hippy dippy weatherman

  14. 14: Creston said at 12:19 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    I abused a colleague’s computer so that I could vote for both Joe Morgan AND Tim McCarver.

    Oh, wait, this poll wasn’t meant to be sarcastic? The Ron Jaworski votes sure could’ve fooled me otherwise.

    And where the heck is Joe Buck? I’m sure there’s enough hatred for him to around too?

  15. 15: Andy Sonnanstine's Scruffy Beard said at 12:38 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    No mention of “the man who gave us ‘Buddy Jesus’ “?

    Jaws is hands-down the best name on your poll. (Honorable mention to Bill Clement, but no one knows who he is because no one but me watches hockey.) I’ll never forget the game he did on Opening Night 2006 with Brad Nessler and Dick Vermeil. They did the second game of a doubleheader right after the regular Monday night guys, and they absolutely EMBARRASSED Tirico, Kornheiser and McGuire. Not that that’s difficult.

  16. 16: Adam said at 1:40 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    (off-topic) I admit that I could not help but vote for Tim McCarver. Such a tempting fruit you gave to us, Joe.

  17. 17: Mike said at 1:53 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Thank you for posting this Joe.

  18. 18: Jake said at 2:59 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    I voted for our friend Joe Morgan… I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.

  19. 19: John said at 3:37 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    I voted for McEnroe, who is great, but I think Mary Carillo is the best color person out there.

  20. 20: Eric J said at 3:46 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Joe Buck would fit better in this poll if he were, you know, a color commentator.

    It was Tirico-Kornheiser-Theismann. And yes, the B-team destroyed them.

  21. 21: Snowman said at 4:03 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Along with Hicks and Wright, one of my three favourite comics ever. Really, really hated seeing this headline yesterday.

  22. 22: Perry said at 4:30 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    I only watch baseball and soccer, and I figured Morgan and McCarver were jokes, so I voted for Andy Gray, who’s been a revelation during the Euros. I loved how he made no attempt to hide his contempt for the Italians yesterday, since I share it.

  23. 23: Justyo said at 4:55 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    I saw Carlin live whenever I could. First time I was 17 and he was playing a small hall on Rte 9 in Framingham Mass. He did his seven words you can’t say on TV. I pissed my pants.

    Then one february day in Santa Monica (6 years ago maybe) I saw him sitting in a black BMW 850 in a nearly empty beach parking lot, his car facing the ocean.

    Having been a long time fan I approached him and noticed that he had a notebook open and was writing furiously, moving his mouth as if wording some of it. In that moment I realized he was working, articulating the nonsensical obvious that we all bathe in and often don’t notice daily.

    So I changed direction, quite obviously I guess because when I took one last look over my shoulder he was looking back at me, And he smiled with a bit of a nod. At once thanking me for respecting his privacy and saying “hello”. It was very cool.

    Rest in Peace, Mr. Carlin.

    And Joe. I don’t know why I was surprised to find this ode to George on your blog but I was, pleasantly, and then upon second thought. Not surprised at all. Thanks.

  24. 24: Dave B. said at 5:05 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Justyo-
    That is a really cool story about Carlin. I had a similar encounter with Stephen King in a Mr. Paperback book store in Bangor, Maine. He seemed appreciative that all I did was smile and nod when I saw him (though I doubt I could have uttered anything).
    DB

  25. 25: JBish said at 5:26 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    I’m abusing three coworker computers to cast votes for Andy Gray. Thanks for tacking him onto the poll, Joe!

    @Perry:
    my favorite part (indeed, really the only entertaining part) of the match was Andy Gray’s running Dialog of Discontent against ref Herbert Fandel and his pro-Italian rulings, culminating in “with any luck, we won’t see him the rest of the tournament.” Did you catch him (AG) apologizing for having jinxed Dani Guiza after his penalty was saved?

    I would pay to hear Gray cover American football.

  26. 26: Dan said at 5:47 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Act could get uncomfortably angry in later years.
    - Like: “I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever.”
    - And: “Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.”

    The former is uncomfortably angry. The latter is spot on, and not remotely angry at all. Of course, your mileage may vary.

  27. 27: antoniomo said at 6:39 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Joaldo,

    Thanks for the tribute to George Carlin.

    Also, totally off-topic, do you think maybe Alex Gordon reads your blog? He walked once yesterday, and has already walked his first time up tonight.

  28. 28: bowzer said at 6:51 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Funniest Carlin line ever:

    I’ve never f****d a 10, but one night I f****d five 2’s.

  29. 29: Jesse Spector said at 7:16 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Carlin’s baseball-football thing is great, but the Seven Dirty Words also has a little baseball in it… “Clemente’s got two balls on him!”

    Brilliant, and he’ll be missed.

    Great post, Joe, thanks.

    Meanwhile, my MLB.tv is not working tonight, depriving me of my first chance to watch Bannister since I started reading this blog.

  30. 30: tony said at 8:34 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Morgan is horrible. I am so sick of hearing about his big red machine. I would rather listen to Harry Doyle!!!! Will ESPN ever forgive Harold Reynolds??

  31. 31: ajnrules said at 10:04 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    The first time I saw George Carlin other than a few mentions in Time magazine was in The Prince of Tides. I don’t remember any of his humor showing up in the movie, but the wikipedia page for the movie quotes Carlin saying that was the most fun he’s had making a movie. So I guess it wasn’t a complete loss.

    Anyways, where’s the love for Bert Blyleven in the poll? :(

  32. 32: Damon Rutherford said at 11:29 pm on June 23rd, 2008:

    Similar to the Carlin beach story and King bookstore story above, my father was in San Francisco on business several years ago and found himself in the same elevator as Tiger Woods. My dad and his co-workers obviously noticed it was Tiger but didn’t say a word the entire trip down to the main floor. As they exited, with Tiger trailing behind them, my dad turned and wished Tiger best of luck in the tournament that week (I believe in San Fran or somewhere nearby). Tiger nodded and thanked him.

  33. 33: Sara K said at 6:14 am on June 24th, 2008:

    Love the tribute, but as a mother of young sons, I feel compelled to point out – it’s Thomas the *Tank* Engine. But yeah, so much wonderful stuff…

  34. 34: Joe said at 3:24 pm on June 24th, 2008:

    And the reason I bring this up, is a little known, and less understood, portion of death, called “the two-minute warning.” But just as in football, with two minutes to go, there is an audible– warning. “Two minutes– get your s*** together…” And the only reason we don’t know more about it, is cause the only people who hear it, die. And they don’t have time to explain it. I don’t think we’d listen, anyway…

    Maybe you get your two-minute warning and you’re in the office… Get up and start your own funeral collection. “What’s the record? I’d like to top the record.”

    Maybe you get your two-minute warning and you’re in the audience at a faith healer’s program. Get up and get on line with the heal-ees. Tell ‘em you got the willies. Nobody knows what the willies look like, anyway man…

    Give a two-minute speech. Everybody has a two-minute speech… And right at the end, say, “if this is NOT the truth, may God strike me dead. From then on, you command much more attention.”

    A great man has expired, like a magazine subscription, and we’ve experienced a terminal episode as well as negative patient care outcome.

    It’s a very sad time– we’ve lost the voice of a man who wasn’t afraid to make us think, tell it like it is and wasn’t afraid of what others thought.

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