B-log: Sure things and Copperfield
Posted: June 8th, 2008 | Filed under: Banny Log | 41 Comments »
Start No. 13: Vs. New York Yankees
Innings: 3 1/3
Earned runs allowed: 5.
Strikeouts: 1
Walks: 2
Homers: 0
Decision: ND (5-6)
Number of pitches: 71
Number of strikes: 43
BABIP: .500 (8 for 16)
Season BABIP: .299
Well, that’s obviously not too good. This being anniversary weekend, I did not see a single pitch of Brian Bannister’s awkward performance against the New York Yankees on Saturday. We were watching David Copperfield at the time. I suspect — I haven’t had the chance to ask yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m right — that Banny is probably more disgusted with this performance than any he’s had this year — if only because the Royals scored double digit runs for, get this, the first time all year*. Yeah. First time. And they still lost 12-11 thanks to Johnny Damon having one of his “I’m impossible to get out†days.
*The double-digit dance was mostly because of Jose Guillen, who hit two home runs and drove in a team-record 7 RBIs. This moved Guillen way, way ahead in the Jose-Emil steel cage match.
Jose Guillen: .262/.289/.460, 9 homers, 45 RBIs, 25 runs, 20 doubles, 1 stolen base, 98 OPS+.
Emil Brown: .252/.291/.378, 5 homers, 36 RBIs, 30 runs, 9 doubles, 3 stolen bases, 87 OPS+.
It would be nice if in this competition, one of them gladiators pushed his OPS+ to 100.
How bad is it that the Royals had not scored double digits all year? Bad. Pick a team, any team, OK, how about Minnesota. The Twins don’t score a lot of runs. The Twins have scored double digits five times this year. Texas had done it nine times (and scored nine runs three times in the last week). The White Sox — who have a manager threatening to set himself on fire if the GM doesn’t get him more offense — have scored double digits five times, including the last two games. A double-digit run explosion is like a high holiday for this Royals team, and so I would guess that Brian was crushed that he could not hold off the Yankees.
Not that this should be a huge surprise: The Yankees are a terrible match-up for Banny. They’re a tough match-up for everyone, you figure, but they really make it tough for Banny to do what he wants out there: They’re so patient, they hit where it’s pitched, they pound mistakes. In three starts, the Yankees are hitting .370/.461/.611 against Banny.
In any case, as mentioned, while Banny was getting clocked, we were watching David Copperfield do some of his special brand of, “Am I not the greatest thing you have ever seen in your life†magic. Before his show starts, a video screen lists off some of David Copperfield’s many accomplishments … Named magician of the century by some magic group or other, has his own Hollywood star*, is the only living magician to appear on a stamp (doesn’t mention which country), is in the Guinness Book of World Records for various things like largest Broadway audience and highest paid celebrity list and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on …
After a while, it was so ridiculous I started asking Margo David Copperfield trivia questions. Like: “Hey, do you know which magician has his own wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in London?†And she would say, “I don’t know.†And I would say: “David Copperfield!†This proved to be amusing for about 12 seconds, but the show didn’t start on time so we kept it up for way too long.
*I must admit that I cannot see the words “Hollywood star†without smirking, and I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. A not-so-quick story — maybe this should have been my “Dark Side of the Locker Room†story for Deadspin: Kansas City used to have this Senior Tour (um, sorry, Champions Tour) golf tournament that was so cursed it could make a great movie with Will Ferrell. I’m serious, this tournament was hysterical. Every year, some biblical disaster would strike. Tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, pestilence, you name it. They tried everything. They would move the tournament around to different courses every year, they would chase down new sponsors every year, they would rename the thing and give it a new format every year. And it didn’t matter. Twice, the tournament got rained out on Sunday even though it was perfectly sunny on Sunday. Don’t ask. It was like that.
Anyway, one of the many disastrous choices the tournament elders made was to, at one point, make the golf tournament a celebrity pro-am. They wanted Kansas City to be the Pebble Beach of the Senior Tour (Champions Tour, dammit, I keep forgetting). They held a big press conference, brought in Tim Finchem and other golf dignitaries, and talked about this being the start of a new age in Kansas City golf. From what I remember, nobody at that press conference explained exactly HOW Kansas City was going to get these celebrities — Kansas City has its many charms, of course, but it might not offer quite all of the glamour of Pebble Beach or, you know, any of it.
The press conference was not the day to discuss that particular challenge. The day to discuss that turned out to be the first day of the tournament, when the second-biggest star to show up was the guy who played Hercules on TV. I was going to go online and look up his name, but you know what, no, I’m not going to do that. The biggest star of the day was Jamie Farr, a big enough star that I don’t need to look up his name. Unfortunately for tournament officials, Jamie Farr was not in town for the golf tournament. He was in town appearing at a dinner theater, and tournament officials realizing that they did not really want Hercules guy headlining, asked Jamie if he would play. He generously agreed and played like three holes.
In the paper the next day — I know this will surprise you — I may have mocked the dearth of “celebrities†at this “celebrity pro-am.†Maybe. And maybe I rather callously summed up Jamie Farr as “the guy who played Klinger on M*A*S*H.†I don’t recall thinking this was an insult … as far as I know Jamie Farr did, you know, play Klinger on M*A*S*H. I called to check my messages early the next morning. I had three. Unfortunately for me, all three were from Jamie Farr.
As it turns out, Jamie Farr has done quite a lot more in his life than play Klinger. He pointed these out. He carried half the Red Skeleton Show (or Red Buttons … I forget). He had Emmy nominations. He played in Blackboard jungle. He had his own Hollywood Star. All that was just in the first message. He was quite hurt that I would sum up a 50-year career in show-business by calling him Klinger. And, no kidding, he was really mad. He was yelling at me in the messages. YELLING! He began by saying, “Hi, this is the guy who played Klinger! Yeah. The guy who played Klinger! That’s all I’ve ever done, apparently.†It went downhill from there.
I distinctly remember Jamie Farr said: “I have a Hollywood star†at least twice. The Jamie Farr Messages make up one of the odder experiences of my working career (he called back the next day to apologize for overreacting and to invite me to see him in “Catch Me If You Can†at the New Dinner Theater, which I sadly did not do). I will never forget the “I have a Hollywood star†part. He does have one too.
ANYWAY, back to David Copperfield. The show began, and two things stuck out. One was I kept getting crazy text messages during the show. One message said that the Royals had somehow lost to the Yankees even though they led 5-1 and 10-6. Sigh. Another message said that Big Brown had lost the Belmont.*
*I’m a moderate horse racing fan — I still love the Kentucky Derby, and I think the sport has some wonderful characters — but I never could get into the Big Brown thing. Maybe it was because Eight Belles was euthanized after this year’s Derby … I really have trouble getting too excited about a sport when one of the participants is, you know, killed afterward. Beyond that, though, there just seemed something phony to me about Big Brown … he seemed like one of those young boxers who builds up a 24-0 record fighting Don Knotts again and again and then get hyped up beyond all reason. Plus — this is from afar — the trainer seemed like a Grade A pinhead with all of his Triple Crown guarantees and cockiness and dismissiveness of the other horses. This is just me, but I say let the horse do the talking. Wilbur always did.
Sure, I still thought Big Brown would win … he went off 1-4, and everyone who seems to know about this stuff like my friend Pat Forde made the other horses sound like pigs. But I will say this: I always keep in mind the George M. Cohan line: “There is nothing so uncertain as a dead sure thing.†And sure enough, Pig Brown had nothing down the stretch. Finished last. After numerous medical checks showed that the horse was healthy, the media race was on to rip the trainer, rip the horse, rip the jockey, rip everybody involved with Big Brown. I’m all for it. There’s a great American truth: We don’t mind hype. Live up to it.
The second thing that stuck out was how uninterested David Copperfield seemed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the guy can do some good magic, he made the napkin dance, he made the car appear out of nowhere, he made 13 people in the audience disappear and all that stuff. But … well, I kept thinking about Bruce Springsteen. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that post about how much I admire Springsteen because he’s there, all the time, rocking his heart out, giving you everything he has even on a Sunday night in Charlotte at the end of a long American tour.
True, this is something we here often mock in baseball because we’re tired of hearing how “gritty†89 OPS+ shortstops are, or how valiant center fielders with .313 on-base percentages can be and all that. Even so, there is something pretty noble about those players and people who come at life with ferocity and enthusiasm and resolve and excellence even when the lights are dim, and the season is lost, and the boss isn’t watching, and the customer won’t notice, and it’s a Saturday matinee at the MGM Grand and the theater is half-filled with tourist schmucks from Kansas City, the Texas panhandle and various parts of the Far East.
And I thought David Copperfield failed the test. I don’t blame him exactly … the guy had three shows on Saturday, and I have no idea why a guy who (I’m told) has been one of the world’s best-paid entertainers for the last 20 years is even DOING a Saturday matinee for us schmucks in Vegas. But hey, we didn’t ASK him to do that show … we paid him an outrageous sum of money, in fact … and he flat went through the motions.
Yeah, here’s a card trick, ha ha, a stale joke, oh, are you from Mexico, ha ha, I don’t speak Spanish, OK, I’ll make a napkin into a rose, Huh? Clap for me. Here’s a video of me doing one of my great escapes back when I actually tried, and OK, let me get through this trick, and OK, good night! I mean good day! Stupid matinees.
This was, for reasons that I do not care to explain, the second time I had seen Copperfield, and I will say that the I thought he put on a good show the first time. He was still arrogant beyond all reason — he does have a Hollywood Star, I guess — but you could feel a little bit of enthusiasm and love of performing. This time, he looked like he would rather be anywhere else. In fact, it seemed like he was somewhere else. At the beginning of the show, he played an audio of his voice talking about how sometimes he imagines himself being halfway across the world — and he said “Tonight, I’m going to go there.†He sure did.
I don’t write this just to rip David Copperfield — though that’s fun too, freaking guy charges $100 bucks a pop and sleepwalks through his show — but because it made me realize yet again how special it is to find people in sports, in entertainment, in daily life who care, all the time, never allow themselves an off-day, never settle for something less because they can get away with it. Springsteen, of course, is right. It ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive.
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Remember that sinister line from “Lethal Weapon?” The bad guy sneers at the bound and bleeding Danny Glover and says: “Spare me, son. There are no more heroes left in the world.”
Prophetic bastard. I think he was talking about Kansas City in the year 2008. Where Banny and Zack made us breath easier at the start of the season, they’re now getting beat up like schoolyard rats.
Soria has been so good, we started celebrating before he threw his first pitch and then came Posada, Damon and all the other heroin traffickers in this “Lethal Weapon” season. No more heroes and a lot of bad guys juicing us with electricity as we stand with our feet in pails of water.
Did Jamie Farr namecheck “Match Game” or the”Cannonball Run” franchise?
Getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame isn’t impossible if you’re in film, theater, television, music, or radio. According to the official criteria:
1. You must have a record of professional achievement within the nominated field (i.e. “gotten paid once for one gig”);
2. Have worked in the entertainment industry for a minimum of five years (since we’re all “freelance,” padding those stats on your resumé is a snap);
3. Have made contributions to the community, typically through charitable activities (again, easily negotiable);
4. Must agree to attend the dedication ceremony;
5. Must pay a sponsorship fee of $25,000 (THIS is where we separate those who pay their own way or those who have someone else pick up the check).
The star on the walk of fame is less impressive when you realize that they are essentially bought. When an actor or personality is given a star they are assessed a substantial fee, this is disguised as a maintinence and security fee but it is essentially paying for the right to have a Hollywood star.
I will stash away my pride long enough to say that Kevin Sorbo is the actor who played Hercules. Yes, he’s from Minnesota, but I’m not sure that explains why I’ve retained that dubious piece of knowledge.
Jamie Farr seems like a vets’ committee selection to that star thing, if Alan Alda was the head of the committee. He didn’t get any kind of billing on M*A*S*H until half the cast left. If I were him I’d be glad to get my name in the paper and to be able to cash those residual checks.
You shouldn’t have been worried about Big Brown winning. The Triple Crown is one of the most honest tests in sports – a great horse may fail to win it, but merely good horses never win it – and that’s all down to the Belmont Stakes. It is the only dirt race in North America run at a mile and a half (all the others are at least a quarter mile shorter), and that extra home stretch eats the pretenders alive. As happened again yesterday. None of these horses have ever run that far in a competitive race, and the ones lacking either desire or talent are brutally exposed by it.
The “Pig Brown” typo may have been inspired, I can’t decide.
Here are some other “stars” on the Walk of Fame:
Erik Estrada
Vanna White
Magic Johnson (for Motion Pictures!? Here’s his IMDB profile http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005059/. You figure it out.)
Slim Whitman
Rip Taylor (not Rip Torn. The one from the $1.98 Beauty Pageant.)
Judge Judy.
They aren’t all Lawrence Olivier or Kermit the Frog.
Jamie Farr said: “I have a Hollywood starâ€
Which he got for playing Klinger…
My ex wife took her aunt & uncle from Europe to see Copperfield in Vegas. I stayed home – been to Vegas once, which is quite enough.
Anyway, she was picked during the show to be made to disappear, and in telling the story, she kept going on and on about how nice Copperfield was, and how he insisted on thanking her personally after the show – and how he wanted to make it up to her, but she couldn’t oblige because she was chaperoning her family…
Anyway, years later we learn that Copperfield uses his act to get laid to various women (well, of course all performers use their celebrity to get laid – he specifically used his *show*).
My ex was a pretty naive woman…
I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!!!!
He doesn’t seem to take himself TOO seriously:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BwU2MdQ3c_0
Springsteen also said “Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true, or is it something worse?”
And that’s totally topical, because–well–I guess you could say Jaime Farr’s self-image is a dream that didn’t come true, so it’s kind of topical, but–I just like the quote. And it’s a cool song that Crooked Fingers covered, but I digress…
I agree with you Joe, but I think the vast majority of athletes love what they do, and enjoy doing it. A semi-has-been Vegas performer (and make no mistake, Copperfield *is* one, dog-paddling his way back to shore in the wake of the likes of David Blaine and [ugh] Chris Angel), if he’s honest with himself, is trying to make money as priority #1.
My wife and I were very impressed with Celine in Vegas. She did a ton of shows, and yet we felt like she gave it her all. Not necessarily my kind of music, but we look forward to seeing her at the Sprint Center.
What a talent.
Loved reading Forde when I lived in Louisville (before he went to ESPN). It was a good time to be a writer there in the late eighties and in the nineties.
[...] B-log: Sure things and Copperfield Earned runs allowed: 5. Strikeouts: 1. Walks: 2. Homers: 0. Decision: ND (5-6) Number of pitches: 71 … It ain’t no sin to be glad you’re [...]
Alan..that’s a joke, right? About Celine I mean…right? RIGHT?????
There is an obvious solution here, which is to merge the David Copperfield and Celine Dion shows so he can make her disappear.
Mike, Thank you.
“…he called back the next day to apologize for overreacting and to invite me to see him in “Catch Me If You Can†at the New Dinner Theater, which I sadly did not do…”
Three things:
1. That’s The New Theater Restaurant, in Overland Park.
2. They’ve got a great buffet.
3. On their website, the stars of the shows for the current season are hyped as follows: “Barry Williams – Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch”; Gary Sandy – from WKRP in Cincinnati”; and….wait for it….. “M*A*S*H’s William Christopher”.
Gee, I wonder how Jamie Farr was listed when he played there?
Stop the presses!!! The list of shows for the next season at The New Theater Restaurant includes:
“The Last Romance – starring Marion Ross from Happy Days”
“Boeing-Boeing – starring The Jeffersons’ Marla Gibbs”
“HATS! The Musical – starring Joyce Dewitt from Emmy Award-winning Three’s Company”
and……
“Don’t Dress for Dinner – starring M*A*S*’H’s Jamie Farr”
I guess he’s gotten over it…
From The New Theater website
Don’t Dress for Dinner
By Mark Camoletti
“Hurtling along at the speed of light, this breathtaking farce is a near faultless piece of theatrical invention. It’s flat out funny!†– London Daily News
DON’T DRESS FOR DINNER has more twists and turns than a pretzel bending over backwards and the piéce de résistance is deliciously hilarious New Theatre favorite Jamie Farr, A.K.A. Klinger from M*A*S*H. This wildly chaotic comedy ran two years to great acclaim in Paris and six years in London. Simply put, it is the story of a husband, a wife, a mistress, a best friend and the cook. But this crazy comedy is nowhere near that simple! This riotous rollercoaster ride builds and builds until you reach the top and dive dramatically into dips and twirls the rest of the show. It’s a web of slip-ups, slapstick and one too many Suzies.”
Is the JOPO senior tour column available anywhere? Would love to read that one. Ha!
“We Built This City” at least has kitsch value. I voted for “Broken Wings.” No value. Actually, it’s worse than that.
Its VORS (value over replacement song) is negative infinity.
Just for the record, Minnesota is sixth in runs scored in the AL, with just two fewer than the Yankees.
Perhaps you should have mentioned Don Knotts played the role of Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show.
Too bad you missed a hell of a game, Joe, while watching Copperfield mail it in.
Yes, the Royals lost in another game that will send R’s fans to the insane asylum.
However, this one is a “merit badge” game that will stick out years later like the Jeremy Affeldt rosin bag game.
Years later, we’ll be talking about the game we finally homered off Rivera in the top of the 9th and Soria blew his 1st save and we lost anyway. (Or Guillen getting 7 RBIs and we lost….or we blew two separate 4 run leads and lost)
Anyway, in the middle of the losing streak we lost a game in Toronto that Hochevar pitched in which he gave up a slam in the 1st and it was an anti-”merit badge” game. The Royals did nothing all day and it was over after the slam. At least, this was memorable.
It’s no great trick in Vegas to make 100 dollars disappear.
How is Disco Duck not on your list?
Celine’s got plenty of talent. It’s just that she has no taste.
Marla Gibbs in Boeing Boeing? Is that real?
If that’s a joke it’s pretty funny.
If it’s real, boy, what a weird show.
Marla Gibbs in Boeing Boeing? Is that real?
If that’s a joke it’s pretty funny.
Sadly, I’m just not that funny. Here’s the link:
http://www.newtheatre.com/cs/cs_next.html
The worst #1 song of all time was neither of the ones you have for me to vote amongst. It was “By the Time You Get to Phoenix” by the dead Texan from True Grit. He took a GOOD song, changed the lyrics and melody and made it into a disaster. The good song was “I’m Moving On” by Hank Snow.
“I’ve told you baby, from time to time, but you wouldn’t listen or pay no mind, so I’m moving on.”
Joe, the choices for the current poll question are far, far too limited.
Broken Wings and We Built This City….those are putrid, unlistenable songs, no doubt about it. But there are so many other truly wretched songs that have topped the Hot 100. How can you not provide more choices?
To wit, in reverse chronological order:
“Low” by Flo Rida
“Gettin Jiggy With It” by Will Smith
“I’ll be Missing You” by Puff Daddy
“I Would Do Anything For Love” by Meat Loaf
“Jump” by Kris Kross
“How Do You Talk To An Angel?” by The Heights
“Toy Soldiers” by Martika
“We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel
“Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” by Billy Ocean
Now that’s a murderer’s row. For pure SORS value (Suckage Over Replacement Song) it’s hard to top Martika. And Billy Joel deserves special consideration for trivializing 50 years of history.
But in the end my vote is for the then-Puff Daddy, who managed to take a classic song, destroy it, and then re-wrap it in a trite, self-serving tribute to a great rapper. Many songs are bad, but only a special few are actually offensive. This is one of them.
I was at the game, and in Banny’s defense, everyone was getting hammered. It was about 95 degrees, humid, and it temporarily transformed Yankee Stadium into the Ballpark in Arlington. It was so bad that Mike Aviles got intentionally walked! Mike Aviles! Sure, it was an incredibly dumb move, but Mike Aviles!
I agree that both Broken Wings and We Built this City are deserving of consideration, but here are some others just from the 80’s that I think are in the running as well (yes, all these really did hit the top of the charts).
Kokomo – with Stamos on drums
Sailing
Batdance
Ebony and Ivory/I Just Called to Say I Love You – take your pick
Nothing’s Gonna Stop us Now – love with a mannequin
Does that New Theatre place revolve like Hank Kingsley’s restaurant in “The Larry Sanders Show”?
And that’s why, despite all of the disparaging remarks from anyone who knows what OPS is, I love Darin Erstad. No one flew around the outfield with more reckless abandon or played harder than he did. I understand that he was never the same hitter after that crazy 2000 season, but I would still pay to watch him go 1 for 4 with a single and bust his butt in the outfield or at first base. It’s worth it.
On another note, is it bad that I like both of those songs? And all the songs AzHawk just listed (except for Batdance, you can have that one)? I guess I have a special place in my heart for cheesy 80’s pop. I think the main appeal of those songs are the “it’s fun to sing this as loudly as possible while driving on the freeway with the windows rolled down” factor.
“Does that New Theatre place revolve like Hank Kingsley’s restaurant in “The Larry Sanders Showâ€?”
Um, no. It’s on the back side of a strip mall, next to a retirement home. I know, you’re shocked.
Hey Joe–Speaking of Vegas, we were also there this weekend, and I just have to thank you for writing about Cafe Martorano (as well as the commenter who named it). We went to the one he recently opened in the Rio, and the food was amazing. Not only that, our waiter eagerly pointed out the celebs dining in the room with us, which was, I admit, kind of a cheap thrill, but still neat. I hope you got to go this weekend; if not, you can get in without a recommendation and without tipping Brian.
As a guy who goes on vacation to eat as well, I’d be interested to hear about where you chose to eat in Vegas. There are so many great places to go there, we always have trouble deciding. But Cafe Martorano goes onto the short “must go back to” list.
Guillen’s OPS+ before todays game, in which he hit a game winning homer off of Rivera, was 103 – so there ya go.
One of the funniest SNL lines I’ve ever heard was about Copperfield dating Claudia Schiffer. “One date and he made her taste in men disappear.”
Loved watching Big Brown lose, the comparison to the boxer was spot on.
Aww, Gettin’ Jiggy With It and We Didn’t Start the Fire are two of my favorite songs. That reminds me that earlier today I saw a list of the most annoying songs in music history. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the list anymore.
Anyways, now the Royals have as many 10-run games as the Padres. And they’re not last in runs scored. (Of course, the Nationals have three 10-run games, but they were also shut out 9 times.)
Who the hell is Jamie Farr? I love Catch Me If You Can, I can’t think of who he plays in it?
As for the Hollywood Star, for the love of Everything That’s Holy, Ryan Seacrest has one!!!!!!