Why I Cannot Stand Aquaman

Posted: June 2nd, 2008 | Filed under: Pop Culture | 75 Comments »

When I was a kid growing up in Cleveland, there used to be this cool Superman cartoon show on Channel 43 (or Channel 61, I can’t remember) every afternoon when I got home from school. Looking back, I can tell you: That cartoon was the most important thing in my life … well, that and Count Chocula (on the occasions my Mom would let me get some). And paper football. And Wacky Packies. And … OK, the point here is that I cannot overstate how much those Superman cartoons meant to me. I never was a comic book fan — all my spare allowance went toward baseball cards and Pop Rocks and the worst candy imaginable and other stuff. I still lived for those Superman cartoons on TV.

Superman was my favorite, but I think back now and realize that all the cartoons of my childhood were important to me in a way that goes beyond any and all proportion. I watch my daughters watch TV now — they don’t watch much, thankfully, but they have their favorite kids shows. And every so often they will be watching something or other and their faces will go blank, their eyes will widen, they look like the girl from Poltergeist. And it scares me a little … it’s almost like they’re IN the TV.

No, the real reason is scares me is: That was me every day. No. I was worse. Every time I run across any of the cheapo afternoon cartoons of my childhood (or some live action Japanese thing like Ultraman* or Johnny Sokko) I feel, for just an instant, that overwhelming sense of joy and cartoon addiction I felt as a kid. And boy were those shows bad. A few months ago, I introduced my daughters to “Mighty Hercules,” which I once thought was just about the coolest TV show ever. I now realize that it was drawn by field mice and every voice in it sounds the same. It isn’t bad enough they could only find one voice guy, but he was like the anti Mel Blanc … no matter what he did it sounded exactly like every other voice, like Goober on the Andy Griffith Show doing impressions.

Mighty Hercules Voice guy (high squeaky voice): “How about now?”
Buddy: “Nope. The same.”
Voice guy (deep voice): “How about now.”
Buddy: “Nope. Still the same.”
Voice guy (Russian accent: “Vell, how ‘bout now?”
Buddy: “Same voice.”

One day, I ran across the staggeringly cheap Batman and Robin cartoon that I used to watch endlessly. The is the one where Robin is constantly throwing his boomerang at the camera. This cartoon was connected in some way to the Batman TV show with Adam West and Burt Ward. Think about that for a minute — they made a cartoon based on Batman, the TV Show. I mean … wasn’t THAT a cartoon? Those guys hit each other and the words “Ooof!” and “Kapow!” appeared on the screen. That’s not cartoonish enough? Was there really someone who said: “You know, I like the Batman TV show, but I think it might be just a little too realistic and fully-developed for children. How about a cartoon version of the same thing?”

The other thing I love about cartoon Batman was the way the show introduced the characters. The title screen looked like this:

-

BATMAN

-
WITH

-
-
-
ROBIN
(The Boy Wonder)

Humiliating. I mean, OK, I get it Robin is clearly not as big or important as Batman … maybe his name really does need to be like 1/10th the size. But seriously, that awful explainer line, is that necessary? You could almost hear Robin saying to the director, “Um, hey, listen, I don’t want to cause any waves or what have you but, um, you know, I’ve been doing this crime bit for a while now, gotten myself hit by any number of henchmen, and, um, hey, maybe we can take the Boy Wonder tagline off my name? I mean, i think they know who I am, you know, Batman and Robin, it kind of rolls of the tongue … they don’t do Simon and Garfunkel (high-pitched songbird), do they? Plus, I mean, Boy Wonder, um, you know, I’d like to be able to get a date before I die and …” Then the director goes, “Sorry son, can’t do it, too confusing, kids today, might confuse you with Robin Hood, eh, or Robin Leach, Robin Roberts, maybe the rockin’ robin, tweet, tweet-a-leet …

*I cannot believe Ultraman is doing so poorly in the poll. Sure, maybe he can’t beat Superman, but I’ve got to believe he kicks Aimee Mann all over the place. I mean, hey, I am way into Aimee Mann all the way back ‘til Tuesday, she’s got a new album coming out, she’s great, love her, dig her, whatever the kids say. But … come on. She can’t beat up Ultraman.

OK, back to my Superman show every afternoon. It was a half hour show, and there would always be three segments.

Segment 1: Was always the New Adventures of Superman. This was a six-minute feature where a cartoon Superman whose main skill was saying “Great Scott” about nine times per episode would battle with a wacky collection of villains* with rather odd goals — they always wanted to steal the power of the wind or invent a ray that melted bricks or destroy the Washington Monument or something else that really did not seem to be worth their criminal time or talent. And, of course, they always wanted to destroy Superman, usually with some form of Kryptonite. They might shine a Krypton ray at him. They might slip him a Kryptonite mickey. The options were endless. The show gave the impression that you could find Kryptonite at any convenience store in Metropolis. Fortunately for Superman, there was usually some sort of lead body armor nearby that he could use to protect himself. I used to wonder … if lead protects him from Kryptonite, why doesn’t he just wear a lead suit all the time? I think Superman was just a bit cocky.

*I remember that one of the villains was “The Toyman,” who — for reasons that were never made entirely clear — liked to make treacherous toys. In a way, I guess, this put him ahead of his time and China. I remember that he wore a sort of bowtie and had a very creepy resemblance to the late Senator from Illinois Paul Simon. I also remember that criminal mastermind Lex Luthor had an odd, undistinguishable accent — could be Russian, could be English, could be Kevin Costner.

Segment 2: This was almost always “The Adventures of Superboy” with the classic opening … “The Adventures of Superboy. Exciting stories of Superman when he was a boy. Who even as an infant demonstrated powers and abilities far beyond the capabilities of earthlings. Superboy, who as Clark Kent, mild-mannered foster son of Martha and Jonathan Kent, preserves the secret of his true identity and devotes his superpowers to the prevention of crime, the preservation of peace and the pursuit of truth.” Superboy was always flying around Smallville with his dog Krypto who, apparently, must have had some sort of super accident in those trying years before Superboy became Superman. Where did he go? I’ve often wondered about Krypto … did he have to be house trained? Could Jon Kent take him out for a walk? How did he know when he was supposed to be a super dog and when he was supposed to be a mild mannered regular dog?

And then, there was Segment 3. This could feature any number of guest star Superheroes … it could be the Green Lantern, Hawkman, the Flash (my favorite … I loved the concept that a guy could be a Superhero just by being really fast — Miguel Dilone, if he had applied himself, could have been a super hero), the Atom, etc. I can remember sitting there in front of the television during those deathless and perpetual aluminum siding commercials (Garfield 1, 23-23, Garfield 1, 23-23), and I would be nervous because I could not wait to see which superhero it would be. Would it be Hawkman? The Flash? Maybe Kid Flash (updated) …

Uh, no. The commercial would end and nine out of 10 times, the “special guest hero” would be: Aquaman.

Man, I hated Aquaman. Still do. That guy was no superhero. Please. Oh, he could swim fast. Great. So could Mark Spitz. He could also talk to fish. Great. So can my father in law. I mean, seriously, you could not have a weaker collection of powers than that.

Plus there was this simple issue: THE GUY WAS UNDERWATER. I mean, seriously, is underwater crime that big a problem in society today? Is there a lot of deep sea bank robbery going on? Saltwater extortion? Marine money laundering? It used to drive me absolutely crazy watching the Superfriends because they always felt like they had to give Aquaman equal time, even though he wasn’t contributing a thing. Superman, you go fly up to the moon and see if you can destroy the anti gravity machine. Wonder Woman you hop into your invisible plane, slip past the hypnotized and undead Mongolian Army and capture the Evil Hypnotist. Aquaman, um, you go gather a school of hammer fish and, uh, go hammer something.

And that’s another thing … as I understand it, Aquaman could only TALK to fish. He had no POWER over the fish. So apparently we are supposed to believe that whenever Aquaman needs help, these fish will drop whatever they’re doing and rush over just because they like him. Sure. My kids like me. I can’t get them to put on their shoes when we’re leaving the house for something THEY WANT TO DO, but this guy can send out a few soundwaves and get swordfish, sharks, blowfish and octopi to swim over from the other side of the ocean and risk their fishy lives. Oh yeah.

So, no, I don’t like Aquaman. That’s why he’s not in the poll.

75 Comments on “Why I Cannot Stand Aquaman”

  1. 1: Grunthos said at 9:13 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    Word.

  2. 2: Mac said at 9:31 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    I am enough of a nerd that I said out loud, “Kid Flash, not Flash Kid”. I need help.

  3. 3: John R said at 9:32 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    Here’s Dave Chappelle on Aquaman from Dr Katz.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8wN_cA-fQg
    Also the first Aquaman movie was good before James Cameron and Vincent Chase left the series.

  4. 4: Captain Tuttle said at 9:51 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    Here is a great song parody about Aquaman.
    http://www.spoil-sports.com/Aquaman.htm

    “I’m not really strong, I’m not really fast, but I can get some dolphins here to kick your ass.”

  5. 5: Mike said at 9:57 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    I think Aimee Mann beating Ultraman is more a function of Superman dominated the real vote while she dominates the joke vote. It’s sort of like how Golden Gloves are awarded in baseball.

  6. 6: Adam said at 10:06 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    Joe, I love your stuff and frankly don’t have much of an opinion on Aquaman, but have to ask: Why vilify Aquaman because swimming fast isn’t impressive, when the Flash was your favorite superhero for the explicit reason that he became a superhero “just by being really fast”?

  7. 7: Minda said at 10:07 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    John R, I was hoping I’d be the first one to pipe in with an Entourage reference. I’m in the Aquaman story arc now, as I decided I couldn’t wait until September for new episodes so I’d watch every episode ever (again) while I wait.

    I agree with Joe, though. Great job, Aquaman, go chat with some minnows. Yawn.

  8. 8: Will said at 10:07 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    But Amiee Man will be performing at a club I can walk to this week while Ultraman. to the best of my knowledge has no club dates in my neighborhood.

    Also, my superhero pet peeve as a kid was that it The Incredible Hulk cartoon his name was Dr. Bruce Banner but on the live action TV show it was David Banner. The cartoon was one of the series of cheap Marvel cartoons produced in the late 60’s (I watched them in the late 70’s) While the stories have left no impression on me the theme music is still in my head 30 years later.

    “When Captain America throws his mighty shield…” go ahead listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpufNT8I-SU

    Finally, you know what was great

  9. 9: Will said at 10:09 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    I forgot to finish that thought…the Spiderman theme http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o29VoxtsFk

  10. 10: Captain Tuttle said at 10:17 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    The Electric Company’s Letterman is also missing from the list. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy97M0YbD6w&NR=1

  11. 11: Captain Tuttle said at 10:41 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    At McSweeney’s, Aquaman responds to his critics. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/10/16weldon.html

    “First off, I don’t talk to them. OK?

    That’s, like, the first thing. Let’s start there.

    It’s not like I’m all, Hey, Peter Pufferfish, what’s up? and he’s all, Yo, nothing much, brah.

    It doesn’t work like that, all right? I mean, most of them don’t even have brains, for one thing. They have maybe a bump at one end of their spinal cord, a pimply little swelling of ganglia, if they’re lucky.

    Language is not a looming issue, is what I’m saying.”

  12. 12: Aaron B. said at 11:43 pm on June 2nd, 2008:

    What would be the baseball equivalent of Aquaman? a LOOGY? Mark Sweeney? Alex Cora? Rajai Davis? Someone help me out here….

  13. 13: Chuck said at 12:17 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    The Hulk was always Bruce Banner in the comics and still is today. I always heard that the TV people had Stan Lee change his name to David because they felt Bruce was too “gay”. It makes me laugh becaue the only guy named Bruce I’ve ever known is gay. Hmmmmm.

    Also, Aquaman is pretty damn powerful. Not only can he have aquatic life do his bidding but he is super fast and super strong. His body has to hold up to the pressure of the ocean floor and for that reason he is super strong. Still, he’s no Namor the Sub-Mariner.*

    *I hope some people here know who that is. Marvel’s first mutant gets no respect.

  14. 14: Scott said at 4:05 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Joe, I would like to thank you for getting that ridiculous Garfield 1-23-23 song stuck in my head at the start of the day. Please make it stop.

  15. 15: JGaryW said at 4:17 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    um, isn’t Aquaman the Duane Kuiper of superheroism?

  16. 16: Bruce K said at 5:09 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Thanks, now I’ll have the “Garfield 1- 23-23″ jingle in my head all day.

  17. 17: Oddibe Kerfeld said at 6:34 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    The only thing worse than Aquaman was the lame Wonder Twins.

    A Marine friend of mine was in Haiti a few years ago during the uprisings down there and got his photo taken in front of a building with a sign out front that read “Hall of Justice.” Who knew the people in Haiti were such fans of the Super Friends?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hall_of_Justice_%28comics%29

  18. 18: John said at 7:03 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Adam West is the real Batman.

    Was this cartoon a Batman knock off?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJxMFtbnlds

    I think a lot of people who made cartoons in the 60’s were into pot smoking. How else do you explain Gumby.

  19. 19: Ted said at 7:10 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    I’m thinking that unless you’re 35+ years old, you may not know about Ultraman or Giant Robot for that matter. The Beta Capsule turned Hayata into Ultraman and he of course saved the earth over and over and over…….

  20. 20: Devin McCullen said at 7:32 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Hang on! You’re complaining about Aimee Mann beating Ultraman? Look up another spot in the poll. Vince Coleman? We’re talking about a guy who lost a fight to a tarp-laying machine. And OK, firecrackers are a possibly dangerous weapon, but now that we know the tactics, we can get out of the way.

    Unless you meant this Vince Coleman: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vince_Coleman_%28train_dispatcher%29

  21. 21: John League said at 7:42 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Aaron B., according to Joe’s definition of Aquaman–a superhero with no real powers who gets equal time from the other superheroes even though he can’t really do anything useful–was, until last week, Corey Patterson.

  22. 22: Craig said at 7:45 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Joe, unrelated (and I’m sorry if someone else has linked this), but Dan Graziano from the Newark Star-Ledger apparently is a Pozcars voter but I don’t see a mention of your name anywhere. Not only does he discuss Jeter’s defense, but he also goes into losing streaks of 8 games or more in the same piece:

    http://www.nj.com/columns/ledger/graziano/index.ssf?/base/columns-0/121229501720430.xml&coll=1

  23. 23: Paul White said at 7:53 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    I hated Aquaman, but I really hated Apache Chief. All he did was say the Apahce phrase (which may have been fake for all the Apache I know) for “Big Man” and he grew to some enormous size.

    That’s it. No other explanation, no other abilities.

    That’s a pretty lame super hero.

  24. 24: Sal said at 8:08 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    For better living now and better value later call Standard (bum bum bum bum b0m) Improvement Company at Westport 1 7100.

  25. 25: Todd said at 8:31 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    And here I figured the Ultraman in the poll was the one from DC Comics, basically an evil Superman
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultraman_(comics)

  26. 26: Tony B said at 8:35 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Devin,

    You forget Vince’s skill in wielding a golf club…

  27. 27: Chuck said at 8:41 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    I always wondered if both The Wonder Twins could take the form of a water buffalo…

  28. 28: Dru said at 8:56 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Joe, those old “guest star” cartoons are coming to DVD this summer: http://www.amazon.com/DC-Super-Heroes-Filmation-Adventures/dp/B0018BDDFE/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1212504915&sr=8-1

    With none of the solo Aquaman adventures! This is right up your alley!

  29. 29: Scott said at 9:06 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Will my voice carry if I give you props on the Aimee Mann line?

  30. 30: Jacob said at 9:14 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    I had a hard time with the superhero poll. Clearly Superman has to win a fight because he’s invincible. Even though I like Batman much more than Superman, the Dark Knight would need a fistful of kryptonite to even come close to winning. I didn’t want to vote for Superman, but logically, he would win a fight with any of the other choices.

  31. 31: KCJoe said at 9:25 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Todd,

    I think you are thinking of Bizarro who had a great Seinfeld episode.

    I’ve never heard of Ultraman except on the Jimmy Neutron cartoons that my son watches. Johnny Socko and Giant Robot, Speed Racer & The Justice League where my mainstays. I kind of remember Mighty Hercules. Did he have a dog that turned into like a lion or something? Sampson comes to mind but I may be confusing the two???? Maybe Sampson was the Christian version?

  32. 32: Other Craig said at 9:41 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Batman has to win because he actually has some mean, twisted emotions inside him. Ol’ Clark Kent is just too nice. Sure he is invincible, but would he kick Batman in the junk if he got the chance in a brawl? I don’t think so. Dirty pool trumps talent.

  33. 33: McKingford said at 9:55 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    OK, but none of this explains why Johnny Sokko’s Flying Robot is not in the poll…

  34. 34: McKingford said at 9:55 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    What would be the baseball equivalent of Aquaman? a LOOGY? Mark Sweeney? Alex Cora? Rajai Davis? Someone help me out here….

    Neifi Perez.

  35. 35: Joe Pel said at 10:24 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    When I think of those old cartoons, I think of the Rhino from the Spiderman cartoon. He used to run around knocking things down with his head.

    My daughter is two. I taught her to do the same thing when I say “rhino.” She, like, charges into things head first. But not real hard — she doesn’t get hurt or anything. She mostly, just, like butts people in the leg.

    Being a dad is sometimes quite awesome.

  36. 36: dlf said at 10:31 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    The lack of Underdog clearly invalidates this poll. Humble shoe shine boy by day, but with help from his secret power pill, able to defeat the nefarious plots of Simon Bar Sinister and save sweet Polly Purebread.

  37. 37: Bellylard said at 10:32 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    It was kind of cool that the Ironman movie used part of the old cartoon theme at certain points. Maybe it’s just Marvel saving money. The theme for the Hulk cartoon in that set was really awful, like Eydie Gorme bad. I hope THAT doesn’t show up in the new Edward Norton film.

    A pitching equivalent of Aquaman is definitely a LOOGY, probably Mike Myers, who has no business even having a scary name like that unless a righty happens to be up for the opposing team and he happens to be pitching for your team.

  38. 38: Bellylard said at 10:34 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Hey Aquaman, can you swim past a DIFFERENT colored reef for a change?

  39. 39: Bellylard said at 10:35 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Also, Joe, the Kinks would say Powerman wins.

  40. 40: sidd finch said at 10:38 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Since you are from Cleveland, why isn’t Mushmouth Pacetti on your list of superheroes? Man, I miss Houlihan and Big Chuck.

  41. 41: Andrew said at 11:14 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    Wait, Aimee Mann is in the poll but not Manfred Mann’s Earth Band? What is wrong with you, Joe??

  42. 42: gogiggs said at 11:14 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    For what it’s worth, in the actual comics, Batman pretty much always beats Superman (when he doesn’t win, it’s a draw or otherwise inconclusive).
    He wins because, from the moment he became aware of the extent of Superman’s powers, Batman recognized the danger to the world if Superman ever went bad and began laying multiple contingency plans to take Superman out if it ever became necessary.

    Of course, he also wins because Superman beats Batman is a very obvious, short and boring story, whereas Batman beating Superman has dramatic irony and makes larger points about the human spirit, the limits of raw power and blah, blah, blah.

  43. 43: phil3154 said at 11:18 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    If Aimee Mann can last long enough, Ultraman’s warning light would start flashing (like it did every episode, just as he was winning), and she could push him around like he was an eight year-old asthmatic.

    And Batman has kicked Superman’s ass. Check out “The Dark Knight Returns.” Whupped him good.

  44. 44: phil3154 said at 11:20 am on June 3rd, 2008:

    What about Manheim Steamroller? Is the ability to annoy a superpower?

  45. 45: Bellylard said at 12:14 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    That one-armed Green Arrow in the Dark Knight series was a very cool idea.

    I would like to see Captain Klutz in this poll. He would trip on a stray bit of kryptonite sending it into Kent’s face, then stop to retie a shoelace just as the batarang came by which would then circuit back to hit Batman in the face. He would defeat the rest as they came at him enmasse by finding a dangerous vial of potassium near his foot, and quickly throwing into a fountain so no one opens it by mistake. Zzzzplookrakfloooom!

  46. 46: JeffSol said at 12:33 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Scott needs to be penalized 5 points for a groan-inducing pun.

    On a separate note, I think the baseball equivalent of Aquaman is Enos Cabell — nice guy, good in the clubhouse, but there’s just not much he can actually DO to help the team win…

    I thought the new Iron Man movie was great, but how excited was Robert Downey Jr. when he got this role…this could end up surpassing Travolta as the largest career revitalization in Hollywood history…

  47. 47: JRM said at 1:13 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Old Clevelander’s, help an old man out here. Was it Ron Penpal that use to play Captn. Penny, and show those old Superman flicks with Chuck Reaves?

    Sidd—Mushmouth talked at a pep ralley at my high school in the late 60’s. Great stuff. Remember when he was beaten by the german shepard?

  48. 48: Josh in DC said at 1:34 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Terrance Mann.

  49. 49: Creston said at 2:05 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    That was one awesome superhero rant.

    And forget Ultraman, how about Spidey getting no love? Seriously people, you don’t think Spidey would beat the snot out of Batman? I think that fight would last all of 2 seconds. One punch.

    (I’m talking comic book Spidey, not the Tobey Maguire weak-ass movie Spiderman).

    And those are some awesome Krypto questions. What DID ever happen to Krypto? Did he decide to fly back to Krypton?

    Also, if Superman flew back to Krypton, as he did in the last movie, wouldn’t his powers desert him? I mean, he was Superman because our sun is different from the one near Krypton. So when he flies into the cold of interstellar space, where are all his powers coming from? There’s no super solar energy for him to recharge with.

  50. 50: Creston said at 2:07 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    “What would be the baseball equivalent of Aquaman? a LOOGY? Mark Sweeney? Alex Cora? Rajai Davis? Someone help me out here….”

    Neifi Perez?

    I think the managerial equivalent is undoubtedly Dusty Baker.

  51. 51: Creston said at 2:13 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    I remember Namor the Sub-Mariner. And his glitzy green, sparkling loincloth. And those stupid little wings he had on his ankles, which supposedly were the reason why he could swim so fast.

    I mean, what?

    Looking back, I think I spent enough on comic books in my youth that had I put that money in a Mutual Fund, ** I ** would now be buying the Chicago Cubs. :(

  52. 52: Noel said at 2:47 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Wow, so many thoughts….

    1) Perhaps you could add “Captain Caveman” to the poll? I don’t know if he could win but a) he’s got that wooden bat and b) he’s getting it done with the ladies!

    2) Joe, thanks for verbalizing why Aquaman sucks. It’s quite simple, but it says a lot that we realized that he was lame as children. Normally things are only that way in retrospect.

    3) “Superfriends” was lame in retrospect. Although when I watch it now, I love how Lex Luthor always insults them by calling them “Super Fools!”. It’s just so campy and rude at the same time.

    4) Paul White – I also didn’t like Apache Chief. A friend once pointed out that he’s basically wearing the equivalent of a skirt so when he grew to giant size he was basically flashing the rest of the Superfriends.

  53. 53: ajnrules said at 3:06 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    I admit, I was never really into the super hero phase. The cartoons that I grew up watching were Garfield & Friends and Pokemon. (Gotta catch ‘em all!)

    But if you have Vince Coleman on that poll, you might as well have Gary Coleman as well. :p

  54. 54: Bellylard said at 3:24 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Cigarette-smokingman from the X-Files would have the secret world government disappear them all quick.

  55. 55: G Young said at 3:34 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    @Tony B – that wasn’t Vince, that was Johnny Drama.

    @Joe Posnanski – you want to know the biggest concern I had with Aquaman? Was Aquaman a salt water breather or a fresh water breather?

    Or was he, like a salmon, able to do both?

    And if he was like a salmon, does that explain why he never went for any of the chicks?

    Because, as soon as Aquaman would spawn… he would die.

  56. 56: will said at 4:30 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    To quote the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons:

    “But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”

  57. 57: Justyo said at 4:31 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    I went with Steve Austin. Quite simply because this opening:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39co0zKbQAQ

    Was absolutely awesome as an 8 year old.

    And if you can say ‘Farrah Fawcett and Lindsey Wagner’ in their prime you are a superhero.

  58. 58: Bruce K said at 4:34 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    JRM-

    It was Ron Penfound
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Penny

  59. 59: Saburo said at 4:40 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Never mind Ultraman: Kamen Rider was better!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kamen_Rider
    http://igadevil.com/kamenridersindex.html

  60. 60: Richard Dansky said at 4:54 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    I highly recommend the Apache Chief episode in season one of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law to all and sundry.

    As for Aquaman, he got screwed in the cartoon, what with the mandatory teenaged sidekick and the idiot water-breathing walrus. The comic book Aquaman, despite the fact that he still dressed up in Fruit Brute colors, grew a ZZ Top beard, then went all Army of Darkness and stuck a sword on his arm when his hand got chopped off. I mean, how metal is that?

  61. 61: Keith H. said at 7:45 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Aquaman had the great power to send out that…bubble stuff, and the fish would all change directions and swim towards him. I went scuba diving when I was 15 and pulled off the same trick with frozen peas.

    Also, I’m a Cardinals fan, and I can’t believe Vince Coleman is beating Ultraman.

  62. 62: Dave B. said at 7:51 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    “…like Peter Pan, or Superman,
    you have come to save me…”

    -Aimee Mann

    So Superman could SAVE Aimee, but he can’t beat her. She has the power of mind bullets…no, wait, that’s Tenacious D. But she can write the hell out of a song. Man, this is my favorite blog in the whole wide world when I come for baseball and end up replying about Aimee Mann.

  63. 63: Jason said at 10:22 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    Joe,
    Loved the post on Aquaman. I think some of your thoughts can be summarized in a song by one of my favorite bands in OKC, Grandpa Griffith. You can listen to their song “Aquaman” on their myspace page:

    http://www.myspace.com/grandpagriffith

    Here are the lyrics:
    The life of a superhero
    Isn’t always a glamorous ride
    It can be quite lonely
    when you’re on the outside
    I’m a member of the Justice League
    But I feel like I don’t belong
    When Batman and the Boys go out for beers
    They never invite me along

    (Chorus)
    I’m Aquaman
    And I’m doing the best that I can
    Standing up for freedom undersea
    I’m Aquaman
    And I’m happy to lend a hand
    Unless you happen to be on dry land

    I’m in love with Wonder Woman
    But she won’t give me the time of day
    Everytime I try to get close to her
    The Boy Wonder gets in the way
    Where’s my adulation? I’ve paid my super-dues
    Never seen my face in film
    Or on a pair of Under-roos

    Some day you’re gonna need me
    I’ve gotta believe

  64. 64: McKingford said at 11:00 pm on June 3rd, 2008:

    I think the managerial equivalent is undoubtedly Dusty Baker.

    Nope – Cito Gaston.

  65. 65: Larry said at 6:43 am on June 4th, 2008:

    Joe, Joe, don’t forget the commercial for Lawsons!
    One Man Sleeps While the Other Man Drives,
    On the Non-stop Lawson Run.
    While the Cold Cold Juice,
    In the Tank Truck caboose,
    Stays as Fresh as the Florida Sun,
    Roll On, Big Ohhhh. Get That Juice Up to Lawsons,
    In Forty Hours!

  66. 66: sidd finch said at 9:15 am on June 4th, 2008:

    The german shepard beating Mushmouth was talked about for weeks at B-W. Classic.

  67. 67: Jason said at 11:37 am on June 4th, 2008:

    There’s an easy solution to find out the answer to the poll….bring back the Laffalympics!!!

  68. 68: David B$ said at 1:48 pm on June 4th, 2008:

    What? No Hong Kong Phooey? (Number One Super Guy?)

  69. 69: Paul said at 2:44 pm on June 4th, 2008:

    No one remembers Seanbaby? No one? The man was inventing the field of Aquaman criticism (and for all of the Superfriends) ten years ago. Some props for the original master, please.

    http://www.seanbaby.com/superfriends/aquaman.htm

  70. 70: Jim Atkins said at 9:01 pm on June 4th, 2008:

    I can’t believe you know about Johnny Sokko. In high school, a bunch of my friends and I went to the drive-in in December for a Godzilla triple feature with Godzilla’s Revenge- that Sokko kid and Baby Godzilla running around the jungle (Minya looked like an animated Tootsie Roll or ET on steroids) with this nylon windbreaker and low-budget stereo headphones on. What a career!

  71. 71: J Lance said at 10:09 pm on June 4th, 2008:

    Easily the clear winner is Vince Coleman…two reasons:
    1.Vince Coleman is REAL…so he would only be able to fight Aimee Mann.

    2. One left hook to Aimee Mann and she is out for the count.

  72. 72: HeyJoe said at 10:49 pm on June 4th, 2008:

    Great post, Joe.

    I too grew up with The Superfriends (and the Legion of DOOM!) I’ve rented many of the Ultraman dvd’s for my kids. I can’t believe how hokey they now look.

    Do you remember Marine Boy, and his electric boomerang? Ah yes, they just don’t make cartoons like they did in my (our) day.

    And you’re right on the money w/Aquaman. I liked him but it was funny how no matter what was going on, there was a need for Aquaman to do SOMETHING. Patrol the coastlines if nothing else.

  73. 73: J Lance said at 9:19 am on June 5th, 2008:

    Does anyone remember the name of the show that had the giant robots?- Goldar(the dad), Silvar(mom) and I can’t remember the kid’s character…just as bad as Ultraman.

  74. 74: Creston said at 2:14 pm on June 5th, 2008:

    “then went all Army of Darkness and stuck a sword on his arm when his hand got chopped off. I mean, how metal is that?”

    That’s a solid 5.86 on the “metal” scale, right there.

  75. 75: Creston said at 2:16 pm on June 5th, 2008:

    “Easily the clear winner is Vince Coleman…two reasons:
    1.Vince Coleman is REAL”

    I find your lack of faith disturbing…

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