Not only in fucking, but in heavyweight fucking at that. Which, I must say, is a fairly disturbing image. I mean, competitive heavyweight fucking sounds angry, aggressive, and for lack of a better term, fat.

Jordan’s use of cursing seemed more clinical, like he was reporting, and he can get away with using curse words as it was part of the story. I found the story compeling and I wonder how old Jessica is today? I am hoping she can still fill out her Hooter’s t-shirt and needs to find the comfort of a real man.

In short, Raab wins this motherfucker hands down.

The absolute all-time funniest fuckin thing I ever heard was on a drive to work listening to Tom Bernhard on KQ-94 in the Twin Cities tell the David Felcher story from whence the term originated. I went spasmodic and had to pull over on the freeway because I was changing lanes uncontrollably and couln’t see through the tears in my eyes.

This was maybe 20 years ago, but I know they have it in an archive. They replay it almost every year with their other classic pranks and such.

Second funniest was a prank on a dude I worked with at the stockyards that was appropriately nicknamed “Moose”. Now, Moose could give both these fellas a run for their money and doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Moose was a hog drover and once picked a fella up by the ankles and rammed the guys head in a steamy pile of hog shit because he played a prank on him, which was usually once a week.

Anyway, they impersonated a game warden and accused Moose of giving his deer tag to his buddy and they were going to arrest him. Moose was contrite at first, but then blew his lid and started cursing and finally hung up. They must have called him a half dozen times with the rants just building in flavor as he heated up. He finally caught on and sputtered, “BENNY, is that you fuckin with me”. Best part was when he found out it was broadcast to the entire Cities and was now part of the classics.

And that’s giving him EDT credit. Even so, you’d think he could at least make it through to the late Baseball Tonight. It’s Saturday for fuck’s sake. Guess he probably likes to get up extra early so he can check some blogs before he settles in for A&E Sunday with the Arts.

Rod-slurper.

Both Raab and Jordan are undeniably brilliant wordsmiths as well as acomplished profanists (fuck me, is that a word???), and certainly Brett’s mention of the late Hunter Thompson was warranted. And Belth, you greasy rat basturt, yer awright fer a Yankee fan, and perhaps not the pickle-chugging nancy-boy I’d always assumed you to be. But yer all mostly a bunch of baboon-felching dwarf-fuckers. When it comes to profanity, you all can gently cup my wrinkly plum-taters in yer loving hands, place them in yer collective ball-sucking mouths, and do what comes natch’l.

And while yer down there, ya’ll mind liftin’ up the nutsack? I gots somethin’ lumpy growing down there that occasionally excretes sumthin’ that smells like German cheese. You mind tellin’ me if it looks infected, right before you mouth-fuck me?

Atta girl. You’ll make a fine wife.

Not that it makes any fucking difference — because you asslicking buffoons wouldn’t last ten minutes in either place.

(Oh, and Chuck D: Spelling ‘douchebag’ as two words is a sure sign you need to yank the strap-on out of your crack and go fix yourself another estrogen smoothie.)

As for Jordan, I’m a fan. Pat Jordan can write, and Pat Jordan can swear — and he also gets full credit for the seven decades he has spent milking his stunted minor-league career. The pride he takes in having learned to swear before, during, and after showering with other men is well-earned, and I have no doubt that, despite the homoerotic yearning at the heart of his oeuvre, his own sphincter, like the rest of his muscles, is still as supple as his prose.

No need to apologize to the Frans of the world. Clearly, she doesn’t get this whole blogging thing (let alone the subtleties of the English language), so I’m not quite sure why she is reading this anyway…

Signed,

One of your loyal freeloaders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQbsnSVM1zM