From the notebook: Business Training
29Well, since my last FTN item was such a big hit (yikes), here’s another one — a pointless and formless thought for the day.
* * *
I’m never surprised when I see business corruption. To me, it’s pretty simple. We were all raised to be corrupt business moguls. We were all raised playing Monopoly.
There’s nothing discreet about Monopoly. It is called MONOPOLY. The name pretty much gives away the premise. Your singular goal is to destroy other business leaders and build Monopolies so you can erect giant hotels and charge outrageous prices. Monopoly is like a Steve Wynn starter kit. And what about the business lessons it teaches. You don’t want one of the railroads, do you Mr. Vanderbilt?* No sir, one is not enough, you can’t control EVERYTHING if you only have one railroad. You want ALL the railroads so you can price gouge the consumer. You don’t just want to control water or electricity, no, Captain Enron, you want both, you need both, I mean, seriously, it doesn’t make sense to just own one of the utilities when you can have ALL the utilities. A good lesson for children.
*Have you ever noticed that the railroad barons — Vanderbilt, Johns Hopkins, Leland Stanford — all played some sort of role in the building of well-respected Universities and, as such, are generally remembered in positive ways. It seems to me that’s the secret. No matter what you do in life, you can build a college, and your name shall go on forever. Kevorkian U. The University of G. Gordon Liddy. Barrybonds College.
You don’t think this Monopoly thing gets in kids heads? How about the pain of having to pay the income tax when you pass Go. Look: You work hard your whole life, working your way around, avoiding the crime on Baltic and the street vendors in Chinatown (please, it’s called ORIENTAL AVENUE — this is not a subtle game), you work your way around the jail, try to avoid paying your power bill, drive around like mad in search of a decent place to park. You do some construction work in the ever-expanding Marvin Gardens, avoid the cops who might notice that you didn’t put the drain as far from the house as you should have, walk though the ritzy North Carolina Avenue so you can dream a little bit, win $10 for winning second prize in a beauty contest (nobody needs to know about where that money came from), take a chance, use that money to buy something nice for your spouse on Boardwalk (where the luxury taxes are OUTRAGEOUS) and finally the week’s done, it’s payday, finally you get 200 clams, finally you’re flush … and then the MAN comes in and takes your $200.
Is it any wonder that so many young people hitched up to Ron Paul?
It’s just silly, of course, but I was thinking about this. If I’m completely honest, the closest I’ve ever come to running my own business was:
1. Playing Monopoly.
2. This blog (income so far: $0.00).
3. When i would go door to door and sell chocolate bars from schools.*
*Remember that box of long chocolate bars they would give us at school to sell? What were those bars called? World’s Finest Chocolate? Kind of an ironic title, no? I mean, look, a chocolate bar can only be so bad — no matter what you do with it, it won’t be a Bit-o-Honey — but as far as chocolate bars go these were pretty deficient. They had too much air in them or something. Maybe it was this unease I felt about the bar quality that made me such a bad salesman, but I can tell you that I never sold any bars**. More than that I lived on the cheapest and craziest street in all of Cleveland, which is saying something, so in addition to not selling any chocolate bars, I had to go through indignity at every house of listening to some entirely insane and bizarre explanation why the person couldn’t buy a chocolate bar this year.
– “Oh honey, I would buy, but you know, I’m trying to lose weight this year. Can you tell? Yes, I’m losing weight, and I just can’t have a chocolate bar around tempting me, you know, I just can’t. And you know, it’s not really so good. I mean, if I was going to splurge, I wouldn’t eat this chocolate, I would go down to Davis’ Bakery, they have the best pastries there, oy, delicious, like eating a cloud in heaven, I have some in the refrigerator now, well, a half of one …”
– “What, you’re back with the chocolate bars? I still have last year’s chocolate bar around here somewhere; I think I used it to unclog my kitchen drain. I’m going to tell you, sonny, this is not a good chocolate bar. Back in Poland, oh boy, we had the best chocolate, delicious, chocolate that would melt in your mouth, it was like chocolate soup, this chocolate, only better, because chocolate soup really doesn’t sound so appetizing, you know, but it was so good, like chocolate soup, you know, Czekolada we called it, can you speak any Polish? You know what I’m saying when I say Czekolada?”
– How much for the chocolate bar? What? Do I look like I’m made of money? No, really, look at me, do you see any dollar bills on me? I’m asking you, are my ears made of quarters? Do you think I have nickels for toes? Do I have $100 bills up my nose? I’m asking you?“
**I always ended up having to send the box with my Dad to the sweater factory where people would buy the bars by the half dozen. Years later, when I spent the most horrifying summer of my life working in that factory, I found out why. Because when you work in a sweater factory, EVERYTHING tastes like cardboard or yarn. That’s it. If you brought a steak from La Cabrera in Buenos Aires — supposedly the best steak in the world, though I’ve never been — and a Caesar’s salad made fresh in front of your very eyes like they do it at Delmonico in New Orleans and a Montrachet, vintage 1978 … it all would taste like yarn and cardboard. Also cardboard and yarn.
Plus the stuff in the vending machine at the factory was so gamey and gross that you would put in your 80 cents and then leave … the ham sandwich would find you.
In this environment, a mediocre chocolate bar looks about as tempting as the Road Runner looked to Wile. E. Coyote. Dad always came home with an empty box.
ANYWAY, considering everything, I would have to say that Monopoly is my only real business experience. If I was forced tomorrow to try and get a real job, the only way I could be successful would be if I could sit in the office and call clients and say, ”No, you don’t want to buy Water Works. No, I’m telling you, the guy who owns Electric Company’s never going to sell, and now what? You’re getting like $4 over the sum of the dice, I mean that’ s nothing, you’ll never recoup, no way. What’s that? You think the guy at Electric Company’s will sell? Well, I don’t think so, not unless you’re willing to part with St. Charles, I mean, I’ve talked to the guy, he’s not coming down from the asking price …“
And while this makes me embarrassingly dumb when it comes to business, it could be worse*.
*Yes, a lot worse, as you can see here. It’s pretty clear I’m not the single dumbest person on the planet when it comes to business. And is this the single most embarrassing backpedal in the history of the world? I actually like Jim Cramer because I can’t get enough of people yelling at me, but you know, a basic, ”Boy I screwed up that one,“ might have been the better play.
Loading ...
My mom hates Monopoly. I wonder if it’s because winning requires stomping the poo out of 3 poor shmucks.
Only the most shrewd of salesmen can sell a product they don’t like; I’m not one of them. You know when you go to Wal-Mart and there are little old ladies handing out samples of (or exciting information about) new products? I do that as kind of a 3rd-job, cash-on-the-side thing. And it SUCKS to have to promote a product I hate. I feel like a bad person, letting somebody buy this crappy shampoo that is barely fit to wash a cat, much less a stylish 18-20something woman.
Man, this post made me laugh. I had to sell chocolates for little league, calendars for latin club (yes, latin club. make fun) and other things I’ve probably blocked out. Why do they do this to children?
This is the best blog in all of Christendom! Keep it up Joe. Another take on Cramer…
http://www.alleyinsider.com/2008/3/so_cramer_blew_bear_stearns_call_whatever
Yeah, Cramer should’ve just owned up to his terrible call.
Mike S, I can relate:
I had coupon booklets (YUCK) for Little League, Peanuts and cookies at different times of year for Girl Scouts (there ya go, make fun), raffle tickets twice a year for school (gotta love Catholic school fundraising), magazines for school when I was a little older, and I also hated every one of those. It’s terrifying for the kids, and awkward at best, but usually a huge burden of either money or guilt, for the poor adults who are solicited.
This was hysterical, I can only imagine what else is sitting in your notebook.
I’m not sure why every baseball blog (see Tango) is talking about Jim Cramer or why I’m inclined to defend him, but in the original clip from last week, the question he received wasn’t about whether to buy/hold Bear stock; it was from a person with an account at Bear who wanted to know whether they should take their money out. So, Cramer was correct that people with accounts at Bear would be fine.
And even though he sounds insane while saying it, Cramer’s right that if he told people to take their money out of their accounts, it would’ve created a huge panic (like in It’s a Wonderful Life, when everyone wants to take their money out of Jimmy Stewart’s S&L).
If Monopoly had a lot of black helicopters flying around and weirdos yelling that “9/11 was an inside job!” then that would explain all the wackos that gave every dime they had to Ron Paul so that he could get around 4% of the vote.
Good stuff Joe. You should really sell ads or something. Make a buck off this thing. It’s the American way!
I hate to wreck your Chinatown theory, Joe, but all of the streets in Monopoly are named after actual streets in Atlantic City. Oriental Avenue is a real street there, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with Chinatown as far as I can tell. Sorry.
But thanks much for reviving the memory of selling worthless stuff as a fun childhood fundraising activity. I don’t know how many candy bars, raffle tickets and coupon books my poor father had to foist upon his co-workers over the years, but I’m glad he did because I learned all the good swear words by listening to his reaction whenever he would learn that he had to haul yet another box of crap to the office to sell.
Joe, have you ever thought about doing a “viewer’s choice” and answering questions from your commenters? That could be good stuff.
When I was a kid, which wasn’t that long ago, we did fund raisers. Now it seems like they just hang out outside the local grocery store and ask for a donation. If you want me to help support your league, at least sell me a lousy candy bar.
I loved World’s Finest Chocolate and still do!!! Occasionally, I see a kid selling them outside the grocery store and buy a whole box. Then I berate the youngster for not being aggressive enough in selling such a superior product. “Why did I have to approach YOU, you should have approached ME!!!” After the dirty look from the kid’s mother I usually sulk along happy in my purchase.
Now, on to a completely unrelated matter ala yourself. The actor Ivan Dixon passed away yesterday. For those who don’t know he was an African American actor best known as playing the prisoner of war Kinchloe on Hogan’s Heroes. Sometimes Hogan and his band of merry POWs would slip into German Army Uniforms, sneak out of the prison camp, and do some sabotage. What I could never understand is why the writers of that show thought that they could sell an African American dressed up as a German soldier speaking with a German accent. If this was a Mel Brooks movie I would see it as typical Mel “Blazing Saddles” humor. But, this was TV in the 60’s, so I doubt that such sophistication was in vogue.
My brother goes to a private school, and they recently had a catalog to choose from for a fundraiser. Hmmmm…chocolate, tulip bulbs, or magazine subscriptions.
Hello Outdoor World (mind you, I haven’t been fishing/hunting in years).
Reminds me of the Book it! challenge the Nazis, I mean Pizza Hut, put out. Children of the late 80’s will remember reading out of sheer terror because if YOU were the ONE that didn’t make your reading for any given month out of the program, the WHOLE CLASS didn’t get to have a pizza party.
You’ve made me feel guilty again for saying “no” to two kids selling cookie dough for their track team. I really do still have cookie dough in the freezer from the last kids who sold it.
BTW, the best chocolate I ever had was when I was visiting my wife in Poland. It’s called “Milka.” I think their made in Switzerland. Once I have one of those bars, I can’t eat a Hershey’s bar for a year.
Did someone say something about me being sweet? Awww, thank you!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milka_Duno
P.S. I hate Danica Patrick. She is not sweet, but very sour!
Tim, I’ll take some of that cookie dough off your hands, if you really need the help eating it…
Mike S: We just did bake sales for Latin Club.
I hated doing promotional stuff like this. Always seemed worthless, given my usual haul from the neighborhood compared to other kids and their neighborhoods (or parents’ workplaces).
Putting down a box of candy with a cup for money is about how it goes at work around here. I always think bad things of the people who short the cup (and some people do).
My parents always buy at least something from all the neighborhood kids. When my sister still lived there, she would too, but her work schedule was night-shift so the smart kids would end up stopping twice, once at 4pm (for sis) and once at 6pm (for parents).
I’m in for it when all the neighborhoods kids I live around finally get to be school age. We’ve got about 7 preschool aged kids in the next door houses plus whoever else lives down the block. Anyone want to buy some cookie dough futures?
Hey Joe,
It really is funny to think about how we train our kids pretty explicitly to be little capitalists. A little frightening when you think about it. I guess that explains why I could never, in all my childhood, get through an entire game without getting bored. You did slip up a little, though– The Man didn’t *take* anything when you passed GO. You *collected* $200. Remember, “Don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200″?
Don’t forget William Marsh Rice and James B. Duke as other industrialists who used their money to fund universities.
I always find it interesting the opinions people have of Ron Paul.
Joe - I take it you believe most people like him because of the IRS arguement? I dont really think that’s true, although its part of it. He’s bigger than that. He’s against ANYTHING thats unconstitutional. That encompasses so much that it hits many different groups (from 9/11 conspiracy quacks to income tax protestors to military industrial complex opponents to people like me, who voted for him simply because what he says makes more sense that what others were spewing.)
As the dollar nosedives below 70 cents on the dollar of the next few weeks we’ll be in for a lot more problems. The inflationary policies we’ve gotten into are going to have far reaching effects, and any dumb idiot can see it in food/gas/living expenses prices. The price of gold is over $1000, and historically gold is a hedge against inflation, as gold will always hold its value.
How many Americans actually believe we still follow the constitution? probably almost everyone. How many of those same Americans can state even the bill of rights guaranteed there? under 5% I’m guessing. We (as a country) only seem to care about the weekend barbeque, American Idol, and our beloved sports(and I do love them.)
lastly,
“If Monopoly had a lot of black helicopters flying around and weirdos yelling that “9/11 was an inside job!” then that would explain all the wackos that gave every dime they had to Ron Paul so that he could get around 4% of the vote.”
I’m willing to bet you know next to nothing about Ron Paul or his record. The reasons he garnered 4% of the vote are many, from avoidance in the main stream media to voter ignorance, where ignorance is only listening to what people tell you, and not finding the information yourself. Ron Paul does not believe in any 9/11 conspiracies, and voted to go after OBL and the Taliban. Those conspiracy theorists simply support Ron Paul because he recognizes their right to believe and do what the hell they want. It’s their business, and he is a man who respects that, which seems rare to find these days.
also, I’ll rip anybody at Monopoly. I’m like Rockefeller when I get on the board, lol.
Great post, Joaldo. And what an interesting mix of responses! As usual. Is this a great blog, or what?
Sometimes Hogan and his band of merry POWs would slip into German Army Uniforms, sneak out of the prison camp, and do some sabotage. What I could never understand is why the writers of that show thought that they could sell an African American dressed up as a German soldier speaking with a German accent.
Kinch never impersonated a German officer. Once he pretended to be an Ethiopian prince, but that’s it.
Wow, “World’s Finest Chocolate”! Haven’t thought of that in years. To paraphrase the Simpsons, that was one of the most blatant cases of fraudulent advertising since the ‘Neverending Story’.
Back in high school we had to sell the ‘WFC’ in order to finance a trip to Cedar Point (aka the ‘Amazement Park’ or the ‘Roller Coast’ depending on the year). It seems so quaint now but back then nothing was more important than getting to Cedar Point.
There was a guy in our neighborhood who inexplicably believed that WFC was in fact, the World’s Finest Chocolate and bought boxes of that stuff from me.
Then one day he and his family moved away. No more chocolate, no more Cedar Point. No more childhood.
Yeah, Kinch always stayed at home minding the store, coordinating the mission.
Dang, was there ever a better show than Hogan’s Heroes? I don’t think so.
One year, I sold a ton of chocolate bars by going door to door in a horrible snowstorm. I won $25 for being the top salesperson in the school. Sadly, I was a senior in high school before I learned this great sales tactic.
“How about the pain of having to pay the income tax when you pass Go.”
Don’t you COLLECT $200 every time you pass go? One of the cards you pick up says “do not pass go, do NOT collect $200 dollars”
Editor’s note: Apparently, I was unclear here. When you land on the Income Tax spot five spaces after Go, you basically have to give the $200 BACK to the government. That’s what I was referring to here.
Man, Monopoly. No one in my family will play Monopoly with me because I’m such a huge rules lawyer. I grew up with my older cousins cheating me with house rules all the time, so when I finally got my own copy I memorized the rules and would rule the game with an iron fist. The Income Tax spot gives you the option to pay 10% of your assets or $200, so at the beginning of the game it’s cheaper to pay the 10% because you only start with $1500 and no property.
When I was in college I ended up living with a guy who read the Monopoly Companion. He was the only other person I knew that had read it. It’s basically an expansion of the rules with all sorts of statistics in it, for instance the frequency that each property will be landed on.
I don’t play Monopoly any longer. It’s not good for my heart.