Joe Posnanski

OK, I’m trying something new … well, new for me. I was just doing my next post, and in the middle I wrote this Pozterisk that had absolutely nothing to do with anything. And about halfway through, I thought: “You know, maybe when these have nothing to do with anything, I make them separate, shorter posts.” Genius eh? Just think: I’m only 10 years behind the blog curve. Next thing you know, I’m going to discover that chocolate and peanut butter taste great together.

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This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but I just had on the television, and they were selling this thing called the Infinity Razor. It supposedly is made up of some sort of space-age sharpy composite material thingy and because of this you can use it forever. Really. Forever. It never dulls. Ever. There’s a lifetime warranty on it. Now, I will admit that although I am a complete sucker for all television ads (except for that “ear reinforcer” that apparently allows women to wear earrings that weigh as much as Alec Baldwin) I’m a bit skeptical about being able to use any razor forever, in part because if someone really has invented a metal that stays sharp forever, I’m fairly certain they might put that to better use than an infomercial razor.

More than that, I’m skeptical because the only actual consumer shown in the commercial says he’s been using it “for going on five months.” This, you may note, is slightly less time than forever. This seems to me a bit like guaranteeing a diet pill that will make you lose 50 pounds and then having someone in front of the camera saying, “I’ve taken the pill, and I’ve lost four pounds already!”

Still, this is not my point either. No, my point is that the commercial goes on for a while telling you about how you will be able to use the Infinity Razor forever, how amazing it is, how you can shave a balloon with it and so on … and then it gets to the “But wait!” part that is required in every infomercial. The Infinity Razor is $19.95 BUT WAIT if you order right now, you will get … OK, you ready for this?

You will get a SECOND Infinity Razor for free.

Now, even the commercial announcer realized and appreciated the utter stupidity of this move — this first razor lasts forever, and if you order now they’re giving you a second one? Really? That’s the deal? I mean I appreciate that these infomercials are not necessarily going after the local Mensa chapter — they’re going after dumb people, like me — but even I’m not stupid enough to fall for this gag. And they knew it.

So how do you think they got out of this? I have to admit … it’s genius. They said that you could give the second razor to a friend. And while you’re thinking, as I was, “Do I really have a friend relationship with anyone that makes me want to give him a razor?” they showed a hot woman who, for reasons not made entirely clear by the basic commercial plot, was wearing a bathing suit. She was floating in a pool. And this woman said that she liked her friend’s Infinity Razor so much, that she had to buy one for herself.

To which the announcer said: “Now she won’t have to.” What? Why won’t she have to? Oh, because I’M giving her my backup Infinity Razor. OK, I get it. And in exchange for giving her my second Infinity Razor, this bathing-suited woman will … what? Well, the commercial leaves those possibilities to your own and Eliott Spitzer’s imagination.* Hey, what WOULDN’T a bathing-suited woman do for her own Infinity Razor?

*I love this lede in The Times of South Africa about Ashley Alexandra Dupre … “It’s the sort of telephone call every mother dreads. “Hi Mom, I’m a prostitute …”