Limerick Preview: AL West
Posted: March 5th, 2008 | Filed under: Baseball | 31 Comments »
Five days until the Soul of Baseball paperback hits bookstores, which could also mean that you are running out of time to buy the Soul of Baseball hardcover. Feel free to take it either way. Now we’re on to our third different kind of poem — I wonder if I can enter this in my quest to become America’s poet laureate. Anyway, the National League looks harder.
* * *
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim at Camden Yards
There once was a man named Moreno
Who never quite learned how to say no.
Said, “Let’s go for glory”
90 million for Torri
Some scoffed but, hey, what do they know?
2. Seattle Mariners
This is the ballad of J.J. Putz
Which should rhyme with “yutz” but does rhyme with “toots”
With power and pluck
And the song “Thunderstuck”
He makes batters go join a kibbutz
3. Texas Rangers
The search goes on for a pitch panacea
Chan Ho, Loaiza, now Vincent Padilla
The lineups, quite sadly
even with Milton Bradley
Lose 10-8 and get the idea
4. Oakland Athletics
To the Moneyball man go of all the spoils
The most famous GM on American soil
But this part ain’t funny
He’s still got no money
And a roster that’s filled with ex-Royals
And a bonus:
Here’s the sad tale of Candidate Obama*
He hoped, but he couldn’t prevail without drama
Won Latte and Lexis
But couldn’t take Texas
Now he’s wooing superdelegates’ Mamas.
*One more political thing: You know I did get a letter from President Bush about “The Soul of Baseball.” I mean, seriously, no matter how you may lean politically, that’s really cool. WIth the paperback about to come out, I thought it would be nice to share what the President of the United States had to say:
Dear Joe,
Thank you for the copy of your book, “The Soul of Baseball.” I appreciate your thinking of me and sharing your memories of one of the great legends of America’s pastime.
Buck O’Neil’s commitment to excellence and to preserving the history of the Negro Leagues will stand as a lasting and important legacy in our society. I was honored to recognize his talent and accomplishments with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Best wishes.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush.
P.S. I knew there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq all the time. I mean, don’t tell anybody that, but come on. I knew that. I also knew the Giants were going to win the Super Bowl. That defensive line. I was telling Rove, I told him again and again, I kept saying ‘Watch Strahan.“ Rove doesn’t listen. And Cheney. Sheesh. He’s all “Brady” this and “Brady” that. Well, you know. By the way, why are you doing that blog for free? What’s wrong with you man? Anyway, yeah, best wishes.**
**I am told that numerous people including good friends are now using my little asterisk footnote in their blogs. I’m good with this since I stole the idea entirely from David Foster Wallace, but I’m thinking that it might be nice if people would refer to these as Pozterisks in the future. I’m hoping to trademark it.
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I have a feeling by the time Joe gets to the NL West, he’s either going to have a repeat in the type of poem he uses or he’s just going to use free verse. Though a sonnet series would be interesting
Excellent work. I especially like the Rangers and Angels, those limericks really flow. I dare you to do sonnets of the NL Central. If you did that, I would buy a second copy of your book.
With the paperback coming out, there is no longer an excuse not to buy TSOB. None, whatsoever.
I am guilty of Pozterisking the hell out of my posts, and loving each and every one of them*.
*The Pozterisks, not the posts.
Oh, and the Oakland poem…magical.
Joe, if you really want to trademark Pozterisks, you know where to find me. Does it help if I tell you I just bought a hardcover copy of “The Soul of Baseball”? =)
1. Los Angeles, or is it Anaheim?
The was an outfielder named Vladi
Who smashed every ball that he did see
The Halos were best
In the dreadful A.L. West
Because they spent money on Torii*
(*Yes, Torii is spelled this way, and not Torri)
2. Seattle
‘Tis not a surprise that Bedard
Will help keep the ball in the yard
But it’s sad to report
The M’s will fall short
In spite of the way they play hard
3. Texas
Aye, the marriage of Texas and Bradley
Will falter and go very sadly
Nary a pitcher is good
See, Kevin Millwood
And Milton will hobble on a bad knee
4. Oakland
There was a left fielder named Brown
And K.C. wasn’t his favorite town
The A’s took a glance
And gave him a chance
To start, in another last-place town
If you look at delegate counts, Obama might not have lost Texas after all. Stay tuned.
Hey guys! I’M BACK!!! I WON MY PRIMARY REELECTION CAMPAIGN!! I’M SO GLAD THE MORKS FROM ORK CAME THROUGH!! NOW I CAN NAN-NUU NAN-NUU MY WAY THROUGH ANOTHER 2 YEARS IN D.C.
I would have been more impressed if he had claimed to read it.
I’m waiting for The Soul of Baseball remainders to hit the bins.
Thank God Bush isn’t paying attention to the country any more. Maybe next year he can do color commentary for ESPN.
The USA does have a poet laureate, Joe, so you’ll have to wait until 2009, when the new president or co-presidents can appoint one. The current laureate is Donald Hall, who has done some nice baseball-themed poems, including an entire book called “Fathers Playing Catch with Sons” (which is not about Catholic school).
Thank God the country isn’t paying attention to Bush anymore.
Good stuff Joe. Everytime I check your blog, I find something new and wonderful to brighten my day.
I’m heading to Surprise tomorrow morning!
Post #12 is in error. Donald Hall’s term as poet laureate ended in 2007. The new one is named Simic. The Library of Conress web site lists them all, and it looks like they serve two year terms regardless of the election cycle, so the next opening may not be until 2010. That’s when the new Twins ballpark will open. I think it would be great if Poznanski, newly appointed poet laureate, could write a little ditty about outdoor baseball being played in freezing weather and deliver that poem from home plate at the Twins home opener in 2010. We’ll save a parka for you.
Can you make sure to include Ross Gload in your poem about the Mets? Is he not a great fit for them w/ Alou down and Delgado questionable? Perhaps they have another Bannister to send our way in return.
Joe, with limericks, I believe you’ve found your voice. Particularly liked the one about the Angels.
And geez Louise, Bush supposedly asks why you’re doing the blog for free, but apparently he couldn’t be bothered to go out and buy your book… saying one thing and doing another… * **
* But IIRC, in the early 90’s, the vote among MLB owners was 29-1 in favor of realignment and the wild card. The only owner who voted against it was George W. Bush. Have to admire those conservative principles…
** Adding Pozterisks because, you never know, in the future your writing may be forgotten and you may well be known only as the man who popularized Pozterisks. And we knew you when.
I noticed your lim’rick re: JJ
That scanning won’t earn you a payday
And watch for the M’s
a collection of gems
who’ll surprise with their quality play!
P.S. While I now live in Seattle, I grew up in Cincinnati, and am looking forward to the book on the ‘75 Reds. Cesar Geronimo was the center fielder then– that guy had an amazing cannon. No stick, but who needed it with the rest of that lineup? Anyway, what’s the ETA for that tome?
Okay, Joaldo, I tried it your way.
Peanut butter spread on one side. Jelly on the other.
Spreading the peanut butter was fine, I always start out that way. But putting the jelly separate on the other piece of bread. Whew. It was so different, so disorienting, that it brought me fully into the present.
So I think you’ve come up with a new Buddhist bring-yourself-into-the-present-moment exercise: make your pb&j the opposite way you usually do. I mean, I sure tasted that peanut butter sandwich.
This used to be Gregg Easterbook’s (i.e. Tuesday Morning Quarterback) thing but he only used Haikus. I don’t think he can one up Joe. Though he does have 8 divisions to cover so if he finds 8 (!) different poems then maybe but I find that unlikely.
I really enjoy these a lot. I can’t wait to see what poem comes next. Maybe odes?
@Hambone
March 2009 is when the BRM book should come out.
I was a high school intern on GW Bush’s race for governor in 1994. I know most libs on this board hate him, but he really is a true baseball fan. The first time I met him he was very friendly and took the time to chat with a 17 year old kid about the new Ballpark in Arlington and the Rangers recent signings of Jack Armstrong and Bruce Hurst. Neither one of those pitchers did anything and it was pretty much the end of their careers. Few knew back in April ‘94 that Bush’s political career was just getting started. He was a long shot to beat Ann Richards at the time.
Dear Joe,
I recently sent these to my friend Carol, who is decidedly not a baseball fan. She is however, a writer of limericks. This is what she wrote back to me:
Thanks, Nate. Those are really cute, even though I don’t entirely understand them. The author should see about getting them published (as I have some of mine) on OEDILF (http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php). They’d undoubtedly need a little editing (those guys are tough!), but I’m sure they’d go for ‘em.
And I love the Pozterisk…
Carol
Oddibe,
I’m a conservative and I hate Dubya. Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s brought liberals and conservatives together in mutual hatred. Then again, maybe it’s not.
Regardless, we all love baseball. And that is undoubtedly a good thing.
It the wrong division, but when it comes to limericks it can’t be resisted:
There once was a kid from Pawtucket
And everyone knew he could chuck it
When he no-hit the O’s
The Nation all rose
And screamed to the Yanks, “You can suck it!”
It’s taking a couple of days… I think Joe must have decided to preview the entire NL in one massive post based on Eliot’s The Waste Land.
Royals Home Opener Haikus:
Parking lot is mud.
There’s a crane in “old G.A.”
Welcome to the “K”!
Yankees fans are here,
There’s even more over there,
Must be fair weather!
Butler playing First.
Guillen sitting on the bench.
Will Gordon Strike Out?
New Manager here,
Postgame meeting at home plate?
Konnichiwa, Trey.
Long lines to get beer.
It must be Opening Day.
Should have brought my own!
For future previews, think double dactyl. It’s a form made for occasions like this.
P.S. I knew there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq all the time. I mean, don’t tell anybody that, but come on. I knew that. I also knew the Giants were going to win the Super Bowl.
Going into Iraq was a bad idea. Betting on the Giants was a good idea.
Poz,
Two things:
1. The kibbutz line is absolutely killer. I once went swimming at a kibbutz in Israel.
2. I shook Pres. Bush’s hand on Opening Day two years ago in Cincinnati. Went to get a drink of water on the other side of the press box, and he was coming out the radio booth, doing a spot with Marty and, I guess, Steve Stewart. I walked right up to him and shook his hand. The secret service had held up all the scribes trying to get through that hallway on the other end. As I walked by, Archdeacon asked if I had shook Bush’s hand, I nodded and C. Trent said, ‘Yeah, that’s the second p**** Josh’s hand has touched today.”
‘Course, two weeks later, I shook Screech’s hand, so I completed the doofus duo in less than a month.
i think i used the c word, not the p word