Here are a few rhymes as we preview the American League Central. I can tell you already this poetry idea could very well run out of steam before we get to the National League. But that’s part of the beauty of this blog … I have absolutely no qualms about abandoning things in the middle. That’s the freedom of doing something for free. Of course, buying THIS could help keep this thing going. Yes, the Soul of Baseball paperback is out in six days. Be afraid. Be very afraid. A full-blown campaign. Maybe commercials. It’s 3 a.m. and your children are asleep …
* * *
1. Detroit Tigers
Your lineup’s good, take it on faith
When you have Pudge v.2 hitting eighth
The pitching staff has a few unknowns
And they’ll need big leads to give Todd Jones.
2. Cleveland Indians
The best pair of pitchers East of Arizona?
Must be Sabathia and Fausto Carmona
Travis needs to find that home run trot
The slogan this year: Hafner or Have Not
3. Kansas City Royals
Only a local yokel would be absurd
enough to pick the Royals third
No 15 game winners since the buff Paul Byrd
Yes, it’s been forever since a pennant race stirred
But things are different, at least that’s the word
If Zack Greinke is finally cured
If Billy Butller’s as good as we’ve heard
If Alex Gordon is properly spurred
If Gill Meche doesn’t become deterred
If the Royals find a real pitching life saver
(It’s early, but it could be Luke Hochevar)
If Jose Guillen doesn’t act like a nerd
If Joakim Soria remains assured
If Alberto Callaspo has really matured
And Teahen, DeJesus aren’t obscured
If Hillman’s Japanese dreams transferred
(Not bunting in the first would be preferred)
Hey, why not, miracles have occurred
But not in Kansas City. Not for a long time.
4. Chicago White Sox
Ozzie Guillen better learn karate
To better deal with Mariotti
And a team that might crack and fissure
Watching fly balls elude Nick Swisher
5. Minnesota
I actually think the Twins could surprise
With a healthy Liriano and a Livan reprise
Will they score enough? With Craig Monroe?
Maybe yes, maybe Morneau
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25 Comments, Comment or Ping
Dan
I’m a Tigers fan. So I’m assuming you don’t like Pudge hitting at all? Heh, well what can I say, we can’t play cry baby Inge. Me Me Me, what about Me, boo says He (Inge).
The Cleveland rhyme was top notch Joe!
Mar 5th, 2008
Bill
Ouch. If the Twins really are worse than that ugly and horribly mismanaged Sox team, this is going to be one miserable summer for me (a Twins fan in Chicago). But it seems very unlikely, without a huge number of very upsetting injuries. They really should be safely (though distantly) in third.
I love the Royals epic.
Also a little confused about what you said about Pudge–I take it to mean that it means your lineup is GOOD if you bat Pudge 8th, but he can’t hit at all anymore, so…?
Mar 5th, 2008
Fran
I guess the question is, how does an OPS of .714 and an OPS+ 0f 85 compare to other #8 hitters? (Rodriguez can’t hit worse than that this year!)
Mar 5th, 2008
Keith K.
Joe, you may think that KC’s prospects are high
But they’re up against Sizemore, Mauer and Dye,
Even with Monty Burns’ Brain and Nerve Tonic,
You can’t win a pennant with Mark Grudzielanek.
Mar 5th, 2008
Paul White
Why are people convinced that Fausto Carmona is going to remain one of the league’s best pitchers based on just one year? He’s a 24-year old guy who was atrociously bad in 2006, saw his workload more than double last season and looked terrible in the playoffs and so far this Spring. Let’s see him repeat his ‘07 performance before we annoint him and C.C. the best 1-2 punch in the AL this year.
Mar 5th, 2008
Devin McCullen
Is Hochevar actually pronounced like that?
Mar 5th, 2008
Martini Agonistes
All the money in my pockets if you can do the NL Central in villanelle.
Mar 5th, 2008
DMCj
“Maybe yes, maybe Morneau?”
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Mar 5th, 2008
Chris C.
Well done; I’m especially impressed with “Arizona” and “Carmona.”
Keith K., kudos as well.
A division so stacked you can’t help but pity
Those long-suffering fans in quaint Kansas City,
But a focus on pitching and youth soon served,
Will this be the year fans need be less reserved?
Probably not, that’s one tough grouping,
The Tigers alone send playoff hopes drooping,
But this is Spring Praining, everyone’s a contender!
Even the littlest payroll can topple a big spender!
Mar 5th, 2008
Chris C.
Crimminy, that should be “Spring Training,” obviously.
Mar 5th, 2008
Tod
While this entry was great, I’m afraid Keith K steals the show rhyming a Simpsons reference with Mark Grudzielanek.
Mar 5th, 2008
McKingford
Tigers Haiku:
A murderer’s row.
The bullpen’s still a problem.
Need more complete games.
Mar 5th, 2008
Byron
Awesome. Simply awesome.
This is why I click on the Joe Po link.
Mar 5th, 2008
Greg Grant
If Alexander Pope were alive today, he would highly approve of this attempted revival of the rhymed couplet. Then again, if Alexander Pope were alive today, he’d be 319 years old.
Mar 5th, 2008
Ryne
These really gave me a good laugh and brightened my day. Well done, Joe.
I’m also a BIG fan of Keith’s poem. Any time you can work in a Simpsons reference and make something rhyme with Grudzielanek, that’s a pretty impressive feat.
Mar 5th, 2008
Tim Lacy
To Keith K.: The Cubs did it in ‘03.
JoeP, you White Sox one was the best. - TL
Mar 5th, 2008
Terry
Joe, you write so well, who does your promotional stuff for the Soul of Baseball? It reads like generic internet book hawking. Anyone who reads or posts to this site should have at least one copy of Soul of Baseball. Thanks for documenting a life of a Man among men.
Mar 5th, 2008
Bill
The only problem with the “Maybe yes, maybe Morneau” line is it requires you to pronounce his name incorrectly (as everyone already does). It’s MOR-neau, just like “porno.” Or so he says.
I maintain that the KC one is the best. A couple clunky lines in the middle to throw some extra length and names in there (”If Jose Guillen doesn’t act like a nerd”? Really?), but the completely- out of meter and rhyme last line is brilliant and really makes the whole thing.
Mar 5th, 2008
Snowman
I found the blog after reading the book, rather than the other way around. Apparently, I’m a minority in that, huh?
Mar 5th, 2008
Matt
That last line in the KC one is like a dagger. Thanks for the hope and then the reality…it’s not your fault, though. That’s just the way it is.
Mar 5th, 2008
Justyo
Hey Chris C.
Personally I thought “praining” was intentional (and very clever) as in “Pray-ning”. Read that way it works with your idea that everyone’s in contention.
Mar 5th, 2008
Mike
1. Cleveland
The Indians will be the surprise team in first
For they’re far and away the team with most thirst
To make up for last year, which should have ended in cheer
Before the Red Sox turned their champagne into beer
But, oh, how Sabathia will pitch
Just knowing next year he’ll be rich
And Hafner will rise, to help reclaim the prize
Of another A.L. Central surprise
2. Detroit
Ah, how Detroit’s pitching will falter
And let down an offense as strong as Gibralter
Kenny Rogers is old, his jock smells of mold
And Todd Jones can no longer be bold
Of course, there are new guys like Cabrera
Who can hit the ball from here to Canberra
But when it comes to September
The Tigers will once again remember
What it’s like to look up and see Cleveland
3. Kansas City
Holy smokes, are the Royals in third?
Giving the Twins and the White Sox “The Bird”
Dayton Moore’s plan is in place, KC will be in the race
And winning games on behalf of Gil Meche, its ace
Alex and Billy are studs
Long gone is Juan Gone, such a dud
Banny and Zack use their minds, they’re such great finds
And both will fight their way through this year’s grinds
Trey Hillman is the man with the plan
To end KC’s streak as also-rans
The Royals will open some eyes, and end the frustration
Of so many years in last place, son.
4. Minnesota
Oh, Torii and Johan are ghosts
Who ran off for the money on the coasts
Left Twins fans teary-eyed, just like someone died
Instead of coming along for the ride
But Justin and Joe still remain
To help heal some of the pain
Have you been to Francisco, Liriano?
All hope rests on your left elbow
But Minnesota will fall flat in the end.
5. Chicago
Ozzie is Ozzie, and no, not an Aussie
He likes to open his mouth like a Kamikaze
He says what’s on his mind, though it puts him in a bind
And good explanations are sure hard to find
Kenny Williams is an overrated GM
Good trades? It’s damn hard to find them
The Sox were once great, but now find their fate
As the last-place team in the Central race
Mar 5th, 2008
Chris C.
You’re right, that is much better. I’ll try to remember that one for next year’s JoeBlog Couplet Preview Spectacular, presented to you by The Soul of Baseball, of course.
“So I said, ‘Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!’”
“Really? You said that? That’s great!”
“Well no, actually I thought it up on the way over here.”
“Oh. That’s not really the same is it.”
Mar 5th, 2008
Franoscar
Hi Tim Lacy,
not exactly.
Unless they’ve changed the definition of the term. Once they brought in interleague play, anything is possible.
Mar 5th, 2008
Hambone
The witty doggerel I read from you all
Only adds to my joy of baseball.
Mar 6th, 2008
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