Couplets Preview: AL Central

Posted: March 5th, 2008 | Filed under: Baseball | 25 Comments »

Here are a few rhymes as we preview the American League Central. I can tell you already this poetry idea could very well run out of steam before we get to the National League. But that’s part of the beauty of this blog … I have absolutely no qualms about abandoning things in the middle. That’s the freedom of doing something for free. Of course, buying THIS could help keep this thing going. Yes, the Soul of Baseball paperback is out in six days. Be afraid. Be very afraid. A full-blown campaign. Maybe commercials. It’s 3 a.m. and your children are asleep …

* * *

1. Detroit Tigers

Your lineup’s good, take it on faith
When you have Pudge v.2 hitting eighth
The pitching staff has a few unknowns
And they’ll need big leads to give Todd Jones.

2. Cleveland Indians

The best pair of pitchers East of Arizona?
Must be Sabathia and Fausto Carmona
Travis needs to find that home run trot
The slogan this year: Hafner or Have Not

3. Kansas City Royals

Only a local yokel would be absurd
enough to pick the Royals third
No 15 game winners since the buff Paul Byrd
Yes, it’s been forever since a pennant race stirred
But things are different, at least that’s the word
If Zack Greinke is finally cured
If Billy Butller’s as good as we’ve heard
If Alex Gordon is properly spurred
If Gill Meche doesn’t become deterred
If the Royals find a real pitching life saver
(It’s early, but it could be Luke Hochevar)
If Jose Guillen doesn’t act like a nerd
If Joakim Soria remains assured
If Alberto Callaspo has really matured
And Teahen, DeJesus aren’t obscured
If Hillman’s Japanese dreams transferred
(Not bunting in the first would be preferred)
Hey, why not, miracles have occurred
But not in Kansas City. Not for a long time.

4. Chicago White Sox

Ozzie Guillen better learn karate
To better deal with Mariotti
And a team that might crack and fissure
Watching fly balls elude Nick Swisher

5. Minnesota

I actually think the Twins could surprise
With a healthy Liriano and a Livan reprise
Will they score enough? With Craig Monroe?
Maybe yes, maybe Morneau

25 Comments on “Couplets Preview: AL Central”

  1. 1: Dan said at 9:25 am on March 5th, 2008:

    I’m a Tigers fan. So I’m assuming you don’t like Pudge hitting at all? Heh, well what can I say, we can’t play cry baby Inge. Me Me Me, what about Me, boo says He (Inge).

    The Cleveland rhyme was top notch Joe!

  2. 2: Bill said at 9:43 am on March 5th, 2008:

    Ouch. If the Twins really are worse than that ugly and horribly mismanaged Sox team, this is going to be one miserable summer for me (a Twins fan in Chicago). But it seems very unlikely, without a huge number of very upsetting injuries. They really should be safely (though distantly) in third.

    I love the Royals epic.

    Also a little confused about what you said about Pudge–I take it to mean that it means your lineup is GOOD if you bat Pudge 8th, but he can’t hit at all anymore, so…?

  3. 3: Fran said at 9:55 am on March 5th, 2008:

    I guess the question is, how does an OPS of .714 and an OPS+ 0f 85 compare to other #8 hitters? (Rodriguez can’t hit worse than that this year!)

  4. 4: Keith K. said at 10:07 am on March 5th, 2008:

    Joe, you may think that KC’s prospects are high
    But they’re up against Sizemore, Mauer and Dye,
    Even with Monty Burns’ Brain and Nerve Tonic,
    You can’t win a pennant with Mark Grudzielanek.

  5. 5: Paul White said at 10:46 am on March 5th, 2008:

    Why are people convinced that Fausto Carmona is going to remain one of the league’s best pitchers based on just one year? He’s a 24-year old guy who was atrociously bad in 2006, saw his workload more than double last season and looked terrible in the playoffs and so far this Spring. Let’s see him repeat his ‘07 performance before we annoint him and C.C. the best 1-2 punch in the AL this year.

  6. 6: Devin McCullen said at 11:11 am on March 5th, 2008:

    Is Hochevar actually pronounced like that?

  7. 7: Martini Agonistes said at 11:34 am on March 5th, 2008:

    All the money in my pockets if you can do the NL Central in villanelle.

  8. 8: DMCj said at 11:42 am on March 5th, 2008:

    “Maybe yes, maybe Morneau?”

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

  9. 9: Chris C. said at 11:53 am on March 5th, 2008:

    Well done; I’m especially impressed with “Arizona” and “Carmona.”

    Keith K., kudos as well.

    A division so stacked you can’t help but pity
    Those long-suffering fans in quaint Kansas City,
    But a focus on pitching and youth soon served,
    Will this be the year fans need be less reserved?

    Probably not, that’s one tough grouping,
    The Tigers alone send playoff hopes drooping,
    But this is Spring Praining, everyone’s a contender!
    Even the littlest payroll can topple a big spender!

  10. 10: Chris C. said at 11:58 am on March 5th, 2008:

    Crimminy, that should be “Spring Training,” obviously.

  11. 11: Tod said at 11:59 am on March 5th, 2008:

    While this entry was great, I’m afraid Keith K steals the show rhyming a Simpsons reference with Mark Grudzielanek.

  12. 12: McKingford said at 12:19 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    Tigers Haiku:

    A murderer’s row.
    The bullpen’s still a problem.
    Need more complete games.

  13. 13: Byron said at 12:32 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    Awesome. Simply awesome.

    This is why I click on the Joe Po link.

  14. 14: Greg Grant said at 12:45 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    If Alexander Pope were alive today, he would highly approve of this attempted revival of the rhymed couplet. Then again, if Alexander Pope were alive today, he’d be 319 years old.

  15. 15: Ryne said at 12:45 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    These really gave me a good laugh and brightened my day. Well done, Joe.

    I’m also a BIG fan of Keith’s poem. Any time you can work in a Simpsons reference and make something rhyme with Grudzielanek, that’s a pretty impressive feat.

  16. 16: Tim Lacy said at 1:18 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    To Keith K.: The Cubs did it in ‘03.

    JoeP, you White Sox one was the best. – TL

  17. 17: Terry said at 1:25 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    Joe, you write so well, who does your promotional stuff for the Soul of Baseball? It reads like generic internet book hawking. Anyone who reads or posts to this site should have at least one copy of Soul of Baseball. Thanks for documenting a life of a Man among men.

  18. 18: Bill said at 2:28 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    The only problem with the “Maybe yes, maybe Morneau” line is it requires you to pronounce his name incorrectly (as everyone already does). It’s MOR-neau, just like “porno.” Or so he says.

    I maintain that the KC one is the best. A couple clunky lines in the middle to throw some extra length and names in there (“If Jose Guillen doesn’t act like a nerd”? Really?), but the completely- out of meter and rhyme last line is brilliant and really makes the whole thing.

  19. 19: Snowman said at 2:30 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    I found the blog after reading the book, rather than the other way around. Apparently, I’m a minority in that, huh?

  20. 20: Matt said at 3:26 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    That last line in the KC one is like a dagger. Thanks for the hope and then the reality…it’s not your fault, though. That’s just the way it is.

  21. 21: Justyo said at 4:02 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    Hey Chris C.

    Personally I thought “praining” was intentional (and very clever) as in “Pray-ning”. Read that way it works with your idea that everyone’s in contention.

  22. 22: Mike said at 5:42 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    1. Cleveland
    The Indians will be the surprise team in first
    For they’re far and away the team with most thirst
    To make up for last year, which should have ended in cheer
    Before the Red Sox turned their champagne into beer
    But, oh, how Sabathia will pitch
    Just knowing next year he’ll be rich
    And Hafner will rise, to help reclaim the prize
    Of another A.L. Central surprise

    2. Detroit
    Ah, how Detroit’s pitching will falter
    And let down an offense as strong as Gibralter
    Kenny Rogers is old, his jock smells of mold
    And Todd Jones can no longer be bold
    Of course, there are new guys like Cabrera
    Who can hit the ball from here to Canberra
    But when it comes to September
    The Tigers will once again remember
    What it’s like to look up and see Cleveland

    3. Kansas City
    Holy smokes, are the Royals in third?
    Giving the Twins and the White Sox “The Bird”
    Dayton Moore’s plan is in place, KC will be in the race
    And winning games on behalf of Gil Meche, its ace
    Alex and Billy are studs
    Long gone is Juan Gone, such a dud
    Banny and Zack use their minds, they’re such great finds
    And both will fight their way through this year’s grinds
    Trey Hillman is the man with the plan
    To end KC’s streak as also-rans
    The Royals will open some eyes, and end the frustration
    Of so many years in last place, son.

    4. Minnesota
    Oh, Torii and Johan are ghosts
    Who ran off for the money on the coasts
    Left Twins fans teary-eyed, just like someone died
    Instead of coming along for the ride
    But Justin and Joe still remain
    To help heal some of the pain
    Have you been to Francisco, Liriano?
    All hope rests on your left elbow
    But Minnesota will fall flat in the end.

    5. Chicago
    Ozzie is Ozzie, and no, not an Aussie
    He likes to open his mouth like a Kamikaze
    He says what’s on his mind, though it puts him in a bind
    And good explanations are sure hard to find
    Kenny Williams is an overrated GM
    Good trades? It’s damn hard to find them
    The Sox were once great, but now find their fate
    As the last-place team in the Central race

  23. 23: Chris C. said at 7:53 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    You’re right, that is much better. I’ll try to remember that one for next year’s JoeBlog Couplet Preview Spectacular, presented to you by The Soul of Baseball, of course.

    “So I said, ‘Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!’”
    “Really? You said that? That’s great!”
    “Well no, actually I thought it up on the way over here.”
    “Oh. That’s not really the same is it.”

  24. 24: Franoscar said at 8:40 pm on March 5th, 2008:

    Hi Tim Lacy,

    not exactly.

    Unless they’ve changed the definition of the term. Once they brought in interleague play, anything is possible.

  25. 25: Hambone said at 4:44 pm on March 6th, 2008:

    The witty doggerel I read from you all
    Only adds to my joy of baseball.

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