From the notebook: Billy Mack Retires

Posted: February 29th, 2008 | Filed under: Pop Culture | 28 Comments »

I have a quite a few pieces in my notebook — doodles, if you will — that are odd and bizarre and have nothing to do with anything. I usually type them up when bored on planes or scratch them out on a legal pad while waiting for a game to start. I never had any intention to share them with anybody. But then I thought, “Are these really any dumber than what I put on my blog now?” The answer is: Yes, they are dumber. And shorter. But what the heck? Might as well post them somewhere.

* * *

EL PASO, Tex. — Billy Mack, a detective down in Texas for more than 40 years, retired on Tuesday and announced in his farewell press conference that despite many celebrated collars he has never quite gotten over a cold case involving a man who was shot and killed while his castle was being robbed.

“The sad thing is I know what the facts is,” Mack told the assembling of reporters, fellow police officers, family members and various dignitaries. “No, let me make that clear, I know just exactly what the facts is. That’s my job. That’s why I made my living for 40 years on the people’s taxes. I even know the perpetrators names. It’s a story about Billy Joe and Bobby Sue.”

”Were they married?“ a reporter asked.

”Negative. They were just two young lovers with nothing better to do,“ Mack replied.

Other detectives were recalling some of Mack’s more famous arrests, including the busting of Billy Bob, Betsy Lou, Billy Ray, Mary Ann, Becky Jo, Bobby Lee and Barbie Jean. Few in the business have forgotten the way he cornered Sally Sue and Ricky Ray in the frozen foods section of a United Supermarket in Lubbock after they robbed a bank — a scene that was recreated on a large cake at the center of the new 7,300 square foot Red Lobster, where the retirement celebration was held.

But Mack, while eating a fried food he said ”might be shrimp or maybe lobster,“ said that a detective does not measure a career on his or her successes. Billy Joe and Bobby Sue still haunt him.

”I studied the crime scene closely,“ he said. ”I opened a file on this case that’s as long as your arm. I can tell you, for instance, that I know it was Billy Joe who shot the man. And Bobby Sue took the money and run.“

”You mean, ‘Took the money and ran?’“ a fellow detective said.

”Don’t correct me,“ Mack said. ”She took the money and run. And it was my job; I wasn’t gonna let those two escape justice. I had Bobby Sue cornered, but she got away. And my suspicion is that Billy Joe caught up with her, um, either the next day or the following day. Best guess, I would say it was the very next day.“

Around him several members of the El Paso police department shook their heads and smirked.

”He’s obsessed about Billy Sue and Bobby Joe,“ one unnamed detective who said he was Mack’s partner at one time said.

”You mean Billy Joe and Bobby Sue?“

”Whatever.Forget about it. They got the money. Hey, you know, they got away. If you ask me, they headed down South and they’re still running today. I mean, what kind of life is that? I wish Billy would just let go.“

Mack explained that he cannot let go. ”It’s not my personality. It just isn’t. An innocent man was killed. A widow was born. It’s the sad tale of my life. I just think about how close I was to catching them. If only I had another chance. But I’m retiring now. It’s over. I’ll never get to say those seven words I wanted to say to Billy Joe and Bobby Sue, the seven words I said every time I arrested anyone.“

”What are those?“ he was asked.

”Abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya,“ he said.

28 Comments on “From the notebook: Billy Mack Retires”

  1. 1: Paul White said at 5:13 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    When asked by friends during the celebration what his plans were, Mack replied, “I’m gonna get on a big ol’ jet airliner, but it won’t carry me too far away. Yo know how it is. I’ve got to go out and make my way . I might get rich. On the other hand, I might get busted . Only the Gangster of Love knows.”

  2. 2: Adam said at 5:30 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    I feel dumber for having read that. And now I can’t get Steve Miller out of my head.

  3. 3: Perry said at 5:32 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    Jesus do I hate Steve Miller. And now I’m going to have that stupid song in my head for who knows how long. Thanks a lot, Joe.

    Amusing, though, in an Onion-y sort of way.

  4. 4: Randy said at 6:12 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    I always figured the flight of the two perpretators ended badly. Running out of money, they tried the same scheme in Bolivia, but wound up trapped with only one out in a nearby village.

  5. 5: Clayton said at 6:58 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    Yeah, well I was gettin’ tarred of supportin’ that Billy Mack with mah taxes anyhoo! If he cain’t even ketch young folks who jest set around smokin’ that smelly ol’ weed an watchin’ the tube, what good is he?! Good riddance, that’s what I say…

  6. 6: Justyo said at 7:24 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    And now I have this image of a 7,300 sq. ft Red Lobster stuck in my head.

    Red Neck Mecca. Hundreds of’em, comin’ from all corners of the globe, walkin’ counterclockwise ’round the central buffet.

  7. 7: El Lay Dave said at 7:36 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    Retiring to his wild mountain honey business? A-Woo-Lord!

  8. 8: Kev said at 11:28 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    Down at the station, everyone called him Maurice.

  9. 9: John said at 11:55 pm on February 29th, 2008:

    Awful. I haven’t been reading this blog long (about 3 months now), but everything up until this point had been, at the least, a decent read. Uggh.

  10. 10: bunyon said at 12:24 am on March 1st, 2008:

    Joe, the league says nothing about reporters not being able to take greenies.

  11. 11: Steve said at 1:41 am on March 1st, 2008:

    Have to say I’m a little surprised at all the negativity…I’m not a Steve Miller fan, nor am I even a member of the generation that would normally have Steve Miller fans, yet I knew what this was right away, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

  12. 12: George said at 1:48 am on March 1st, 2008:

    I’ve got to agree with Steve. This post was positively delightful. Probably wouldn’t fly if it were a KCS or PD or whatever column, but this ain’t that.

    Kudos, Joe.

  13. 13: berkowit28 said at 3:38 am on March 1st, 2008:

    Actually, it’s eight words.

  14. 14: Lance Richardson said at 3:48 am on March 1st, 2008:

    I just returned home from hearing the Raveonettes play at the Casbah here in San Diego, and I have to suffer Steve Miller references?!??

    JoePos, you are a BAAAAD man.

  15. 15: Mauichuck said at 10:09 am on March 1st, 2008:

    Here try this one: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/keen-robert-earl/the-road-goes-on-forever-11766.html

  16. 16: Tom K said at 10:17 am on March 1st, 2008:

    Agree with Steve and I forwarded to all my friends. Just hilarious.

  17. 17: Tom said at 11:46 am on March 1st, 2008:

    I’m with Steve and George — I thought it hilarious.

  18. 18: ASTA DOG said at 12:06 pm on March 1st, 2008:

    Wonderfully bizzare,,,, I hope you keep it up and share some more of your doodle moments. I’m sure this was one of your tamer delusions. I’m fascinated by your thought process during a lull in your day. Does that brain ever shut down for a freckle?

    Just one thing though. Promise you will never do that Meatloaf trash song. When that came out I thought I was gonna lose my mind. Musta been played 3 times an hour and I was stuck in an office with a dude that thought it was funny tormenting me with the tune. I’d get borderline hostile and eventually had to leave the office. Not a great thing when you are trading futures on your own dime.

    Trouble is, now I can’t think of another Steve Miller tune to save my life. Gonna have to slip in the CD I guess.

  19. 19: Melody said at 5:12 pm on March 1st, 2008:

    I really enjoyed that, thanks Joe. I have to admit, you’re more productive than I am when I’m sitting around with nothing to do.
    ;)

  20. 20: Daniel said at 11:10 am on March 2nd, 2008:

    Joe – I’ll read whatever you feel like writing. Seeing a new post on here makes my day that much better. Thanks for the thoughts, even if they are random.

  21. 21: Amy said at 2:16 pm on March 2nd, 2008:

    I have been reading for exactly two weeks, I check it every single day, and this totally cracked my s–t up.

    And why you read these comments is beyond me.

  22. 22: Chris said at 10:02 am on March 3rd, 2008:

    While the couple left traces of their whereabouts on several occasions in Phoenix, AZ, all the way to Tacoma, Philladelphia, Atlanta and LA, detective Mack felt like he was always one step behind.

    Still, he feels confident in the fact that justice will eventually be served, with or without him.

    “Well,” Mack would say, “I ‘ain’t superstitious, and I don’t get suspicious, but I know that it’s true that all the things that we do will come back to us in our sweet time.”

  23. 23: G Young said at 10:07 am on March 3rd, 2008:

    Wow, retired after more than 40 years.

    I guess it’s true what they say. Time keeps on slipping into the future.

  24. 24: Jon said at 11:47 am on March 3rd, 2008:

    You should write more inspirational pieces…not about couples robbing, but about couples living the hard life in the real world. I’ll give you the number of a few of my friends…Jack and Diane(two American kids growin’ up in the heartland), Tommy and Gina (won’t back down), Brenda and Eddie….oops sorry Joe, no Brenda and Eddie.

  25. 25: Hambone said at 2:49 pm on March 4th, 2008:

    I guess we’ve discovered the pompetis of your column!

  26. 26: Jesse said at 3:48 pm on January 6th, 2009:

    Funniest blog post I have ever seen. I still love sharing it with friends. Congrats.

  27. 27: mike said at 2:15 pm on April 16th, 2009:

    Let’s hear it for the random post generator, people.

  28. 28: Rick said at 10:54 am on June 5th, 2009:

    Since retiring, I’ve heard that Billy Mack has all his cows in the barn, his chores are all done, and he is ready to dance, dance, dance.

Leave a Reply