I have a quite a few pieces in my notebook — doodles, if you will — that are odd and bizarre and have nothing to do with anything. I usually type them up when bored on planes or scratch them out on a legal pad while waiting for a game to start. I never had any intention to share them with anybody. But then I thought, “Are these really any dumber than what I put on my blog now?” The answer is: Yes, they are dumber. And shorter. But what the heck? Might as well post them somewhere.
* * *
EL PASO, Tex. — Billy Mack, a detective down in Texas for more than 40 years, retired on Tuesday and announced in his farewell press conference that despite many celebrated collars he has never quite gotten over a cold case involving a man who was shot and killed while his castle was being robbed.
“The sad thing is I know what the facts is,” Mack told the assembling of reporters, fellow police officers, family members and various dignitaries. “No, let me make that clear, I know just exactly what the facts is. That’s my job. That’s why I made my living for 40 years on the people’s taxes. I even know the perpetrators names. It’s a story about Billy Joe and Bobby Sue.”
”Were they married?“ a reporter asked.
”Negative. They were just two young lovers with nothing better to do,“ Mack replied.
Other detectives were recalling some of Mack’s more famous arrests, including the busting of Billy Bob, Betsy Lou, Billy Ray, Mary Ann, Becky Jo, Bobby Lee and Barbie Jean. Few in the business have forgotten the way he cornered Sally Sue and Ricky Ray in the frozen foods section of a United Supermarket in Lubbock after they robbed a bank — a scene that was recreated on a large cake at the center of the new 7,300 square foot Red Lobster, where the retirement celebration was held.
But Mack, while eating a fried food he said ”might be shrimp or maybe lobster,“ said that a detective does not measure a career on his or her successes. Billy Joe and Bobby Sue still haunt him.
”I studied the crime scene closely,“ he said. ”I opened a file on this case that’s as long as your arm. I can tell you, for instance, that I know it was Billy Joe who shot the man. And Bobby Sue took the money and run.“
”You mean, ‘Took the money and ran?’“ a fellow detective said.
”Don’t correct me,“ Mack said. ”She took the money and run. And it was my job; I wasn’t gonna let those two escape justice. I had Bobby Sue cornered, but she got away. And my suspicion is that Billy Joe caught up with her, um, either the next day or the following day. Best guess, I would say it was the very next day.“
Around him several members of the El Paso police department shook their heads and smirked.
”He’s obsessed about Billy Sue and Bobby Joe,“ one unnamed detective who said he was Mack’s partner at one time said.
”You mean Billy Joe and Bobby Sue?“
”Whatever.Forget about it. They got the money. Hey, you know, they got away. If you ask me, they headed down South and they’re still running today. I mean, what kind of life is that? I wish Billy would just let go.“
Mack explained that he cannot let go. ”It’s not my personality. It just isn’t. An innocent man was killed. A widow was born. It’s the sad tale of my life. I just think about how close I was to catching them. If only I had another chance. But I’m retiring now. It’s over. I’ll never get to say those seven words I wanted to say to Billy Joe and Bobby Sue, the seven words I said every time I arrested anyone.“
”What are those?“ he was asked.
”Abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya,“ he said.
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25 Comments, Comment or Ping
Paul White
When asked by friends during the celebration what his plans were, Mack replied, “I’m gonna get on a big ol’ jet airliner, but it won’t carry me too far away. Yo know how it is. I’ve got to go out and make my way . I might get rich. On the other hand, I might get busted . Only the Gangster of Love knows.”
Feb 29th, 2008
Adam
I feel dumber for having read that. And now I can’t get Steve Miller out of my head.
Feb 29th, 2008
Perry
Jesus do I hate Steve Miller. And now I’m going to have that stupid song in my head for who knows how long. Thanks a lot, Joe.
Amusing, though, in an Onion-y sort of way.
Feb 29th, 2008
Randy
I always figured the flight of the two perpretators ended badly. Running out of money, they tried the same scheme in Bolivia, but wound up trapped with only one out in a nearby village.
Feb 29th, 2008
Clayton
Yeah, well I was gettin’ tarred of supportin’ that Billy Mack with mah taxes anyhoo! If he cain’t even ketch young folks who jest set around smokin’ that smelly ol’ weed an watchin’ the tube, what good is he?! Good riddance, that’s what I say…
Feb 29th, 2008
Justyo
And now I have this image of a 7,300 sq. ft Red Lobster stuck in my head.
Red Neck Mecca. Hundreds of’em, comin’ from all corners of the globe, walkin’ counterclockwise ’round the central buffet.
Feb 29th, 2008
El Lay Dave
Retiring to his wild mountain honey business? A-Woo-Lord!
Feb 29th, 2008
Kev
Down at the station, everyone called him Maurice.
Feb 29th, 2008
John
Awful. I haven’t been reading this blog long (about 3 months now), but everything up until this point had been, at the least, a decent read. Uggh.
Feb 29th, 2008
bunyon
Joe, the league says nothing about reporters not being able to take greenies.
Mar 1st, 2008
Steve
Have to say I’m a little surprised at all the negativity…I’m not a Steve Miller fan, nor am I even a member of the generation that would normally have Steve Miller fans, yet I knew what this was right away, and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Mar 1st, 2008
George
I’ve got to agree with Steve. This post was positively delightful. Probably wouldn’t fly if it were a KCS or PD or whatever column, but this ain’t that.
Kudos, Joe.
Mar 1st, 2008
berkowit28
Actually, it’s eight words.
Mar 1st, 2008
Lance Richardson
I just returned home from hearing the Raveonettes play at the Casbah here in San Diego, and I have to suffer Steve Miller references?!??
JoePos, you are a BAAAAD man.
Mar 1st, 2008
Mauichuck
Here try this one: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/keen-robert-earl/the-road-goes-on-forever-11766.html
Mar 1st, 2008
Tom K
Agree with Steve and I forwarded to all my friends. Just hilarious.
Mar 1st, 2008
Tom
I’m with Steve and George — I thought it hilarious.
Mar 1st, 2008
ASTA DOG
Wonderfully bizzare,,,, I hope you keep it up and share some more of your doodle moments. I’m sure this was one of your tamer delusions. I’m fascinated by your thought process during a lull in your day. Does that brain ever shut down for a freckle?
Just one thing though. Promise you will never do that Meatloaf trash song. When that came out I thought I was gonna lose my mind. Musta been played 3 times an hour and I was stuck in an office with a dude that thought it was funny tormenting me with the tune. I’d get borderline hostile and eventually had to leave the office. Not a great thing when you are trading futures on your own dime.
Trouble is, now I can’t think of another Steve Miller tune to save my life. Gonna have to slip in the CD I guess.
Mar 1st, 2008
Melody
I really enjoyed that, thanks Joe. I have to admit, you’re more productive than I am when I’m sitting around with nothing to do.
Mar 1st, 2008
Daniel
Joe - I’ll read whatever you feel like writing. Seeing a new post on here makes my day that much better. Thanks for the thoughts, even if they are random.
Mar 2nd, 2008
Amy
I have been reading for exactly two weeks, I check it every single day, and this totally cracked my s–t up.
And why you read these comments is beyond me.
Mar 2nd, 2008
Chris
While the couple left traces of their whereabouts on several occasions in Phoenix, AZ, all the way to Tacoma, Philladelphia, Atlanta and LA, detective Mack felt like he was always one step behind.
Still, he feels confident in the fact that justice will eventually be served, with or without him.
“Well,” Mack would say, “I ‘ain’t superstitious, and I don’t get suspicious, but I know that it’s true that all the things that we do will come back to us in our sweet time.”
Mar 3rd, 2008
G Young
Wow, retired after more than 40 years.
I guess it’s true what they say. Time keeps on slipping into the future.
Mar 3rd, 2008
Jon
You should write more inspirational pieces…not about couples robbing, but about couples living the hard life in the real world. I’ll give you the number of a few of my friends…Jack and Diane(two American kids growin’ up in the heartland), Tommy and Gina (won’t back down), Brenda and Eddie….oops sorry Joe, no Brenda and Eddie.
Mar 3rd, 2008
Hambone
I guess we’ve discovered the pompetis of your column!
Mar 4th, 2008
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