The beauty of Jose Canseco.
From Page 169 of the Mitchell Report: “Canseco told members of my investigative staff that he had numerous conversations with Clemens about the benefits of Deca-Durabolin and Winstrol and how to “cycle” and “stack” steroids. Canseco has made similar statements publicly.”
From a sworn affidavit given to Congress (according to the Associated Press): “I (Jose Canseco) have never had a conversation with Clemens in which he expressed any interest in using steroids or human growth hormone. Clemens has never asked me to give him steroids or human growth hormone, and I have never seen Clemens use, possess or ask for steroids or human growth hormone.”
I believe both statements to be 100% true because I believe everything Jose Canseco says.
The conversation:
JC: Roger, how are you?
RC: Good, Jose, how are you doing? You look great.
JC: I feel great. The Deca-Durabolin is really working great.
RC: Don’t start. Not even interested.
JC: No, seriously, Roger, I feel so much stronger. That 40-40 season I had, remember that?
RC: Jose, please, I believe I’ve made my feelings on this Decca Records …
JC: Deca-Durabolin …
RC: Whatever. I am thoroughly uninterested. Let’s talk about something else. How’s the golf game?
JC: But Roger, you just have to hear about the benefits. I feel just like I did during that 40-40 year. I was totally roided up that year. Totally roided up. It was awesome. There are so many benefits.
RC: You got the new Pearl Jam album yet? You know, they just don’t do it for me like they used to. Maybe it’s me.
JC: You know Deca-Durabolin has been used in the treatment of osteoporosis in postmenopausal women, but it’s also has all sorts of super big benefits for a baseball player. I mean I’m talking about major benefits. Benefits galore.
RC: Talk to the hand Jose, because this brain isn’t having any of it. I’m expressing no interest.
JC: None at all. Curiosity?
RC: No.
JC: Fascination?
RC: No.
JC: Inquisitiveness? Repulsion? Concern?
RC: No. No. No. You heard me, Jose. You know I love these conversations, and I hope to have many more. But I must proclaim my apathy.
JC: Well, how about Winstrol? Let met tell you a little bit about the benefits of Winstrol.
RC: I get high on God, my friend.
JC: It’s not about a high. It’s a synthetic anabolic steroid and …
RC: What do you think about Tony Blair being appointed as Prime Minister of the UK?
JC: … there are just so many benefits of Winstrol.
RC: I see Hugo Banzer won the Presidential election in Bolivia. Did you see that Jose?
JC: No, I didn’t.
RC: You know, that the Beatles auditioned for Decca Records, but got turned down. I’ll bet there were a few red faces there …
JC: It’s Deca Durabolin. OK, fine, forget Winstrol benefits. Let me tell you a little bit about cycling.
RC: Absolutely. That’s cool.
JC: You know, the use of steroids for a certain stretch of time in order …
RC: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were talking about actual cycling … I like my bicycle. I had a red one when I was a kid. I think my kid’s bicycle is red too, now that I think of it. Might be blue. Anyway I’m a huge Lance Armstrong fan. What an inspirational guy, no? He’s coming back from that cancer …
JC: Roger, it’s not just about cycling with steroids. You can also stack …
RC: I like to stack.
JC: You do? See, now we’re on the same page …
RC: We’re talking about pancakes right?
JC: No, I’m talking about steroids …
RC: Really? You’re still talking about that stuff? Have you ever stacked like, I don’t know, ten blueberry pancakes one on top of the other …
JC: Roger …
RC: … and then poured like half a bottle of syrup on top so that it jut sogs up the whole pile …
JC: Roger …
RC: … oh my gosh, delicious. Throw some chocolate chips, maybe some raspberries …
JC: OK, fine. Roger, have we covered everything — Deca-Durabolin, Winstrol, benefits, cycling, stacking?
RC: I guess so. I wasn’t really paying attention. My lack of interest overwhelmed me.
JC: We need to have numerous more conversations about this.
RC: Sure, Jose. Whenever you want to talk. I must advise you that I won’t show any interest then either.
JC: I won’t mind. It’s just fun talking with you.
22 Comments, Comment or Ping
Keith K.
With any luck, the congressional hearing will unfold as follows:
McNamee is about to testify in a crowded hearing room when he sees his long-lost brother in the audience, the same brother who used to illicitly provide players with medicine balls and vitamins in the Old Country. Overcome with shame, McNamee recants his prior testimony, denying that Roger Clemens ever even played baseball (he was actually in the olive oil business). Rep. Waxman splutters with indignation while Clemens smiles smugly and Rusty Hardin loudly demands an apology from the committee.
Feb 12th, 2008
Tim
Haha, that was great!
Feb 12th, 2008
MT Head
In a fine Clintonian sense, those statements are not contradictory. Clemens could have discussed steroids
without evincing interest in their consumption.
Feb 13th, 2008
Clayton
Canseco was an incredible disappointment. He coulda been a contendah, not a schmuck. It’s also true that if you consider steroids investigation worthwhile, you probably owe him a lot. Not where I came from, they woulda took him down in the street.
He was the best player in baseball, maybe just after the steroids kicked in, I don’t know. His wife was one of the healthiest women I’ve ever seen, he had a very cool Jaguar. The Rawlings horseshoe glove is both nice looking and utilitarian (like a woman’s breast! quoth Nietzsche).
He decided that spousal abuse might solve some of his problems, and I had to donate my Canseco tshirts to the Salvation Army. I was wrong. I shoulda burned ‘em.
Now there’s just this sense of glue about him. He couldn’ta been Dimaggio, but he coulda dwarfed Ripken. Instead it’s all this look at my softball game thing, I’m a doomed dweezil dork!
He did get blackballed, no question about it. He coulda hit 500 easy, maybe at .260. It’s one of those rare instances where you wonder if justice wasn’t somehow served by such petty manouvreings, I mean, hell, the reality is that on balance maybe he didn’t deserve to play at all.
Is The Show a right based on ability (Cobb, Anson, Jose) or a privilege…big-time companies don’t hire people for all kinds of reasons, does baseball have to? Should it?
A friend of mine who lived in Oakland during the day told me that during batting practice the kids would all stand up when McGwire took his cuts. When Jose took his, they turned their backs to the field, to field bounces back off the upper deck.
Feb 13th, 2008
KJ
mmmmmmmmmmm
…blueberry pancakes…
Feb 13th, 2008
Mitchiapet
Of course, in the minds of some congressmen, the thought of this type conversation would illicit a famed one word response from The Princess Bride.
INCONCEIVABLE!
Be prepared for another episode of Congressional Bandstand with your favorite MLB stars!
Feb 13th, 2008
Micah
I’m an offical internet convert. I bow at the altar of Joe Posnanski.
Feb 13th, 2008
StandingO'Neill
McNamee as he walks into the courtroom: There are more people than a ballgame in here!
Feb 13th, 2008
Justyo
Clemens: Et tu Brute?
Pettitte: (silence)
Good night now Roger. Mr. “I think he misremembers”
Feb 13th, 2008
MonkeyHawk
A decade or so ago, my Halloween costume was a Texas Ranger’s uniform, with a baseball sewn to the cap… in honor of the home run that bounced off Canseco’s head. I won the prize.
There’s this thing about baseball I remember from kibutzing around George Brett in after-game bars on the road. He talked about how the game rewards athletic ability but demands experience and expertise. As a player grows older and physical abilities diminish, knowledge of the game improves. Like two opposing lines on a graph, a player’s peak productivity is that magic conversion of physical ability and knowing the nuances of the game.
I always chuckle at Casey Stengle’s testimony before Congress about his playing career. Somthing like, “I did not succeed, as it is a game of skill.” Still, you kinda wonder what Casey on steroids might have achieved on the ball field. The ol’ guy figured out something about playing the game in the dugout.
I still have difficulty discerning the difference between steroids and crafting a Franken-arm out of Tommy John surgery. Both procedures corrupt the physical limitations of the human body, yet one is praised and accepted and the other is tarnished with the word “DRUGS!!
Guess it’s okay to defy nature with a scalpel but not a needle.
Feb 13th, 2008
Clayton
McNamee and Clemens both look pretty shaky. Secondary evidence: Who wants to take Canseco over Pettitte?
Feb 13th, 2008
Mike
Clemens is now officially throwing his wife under the HGH bus. My coworker and I are trying to re-enact this conversation he claims they had about HGH.
“Honey, I noticed you’ve been fading a little at yoga, and I’ve heard of something that may help…”
Honestly, common sense… in the absence of any other facts… what are the odds that the wife of a professional athlete is taking HGH, and the athlete - at the tail end of his career - never even tried the stuff? I mean the shit’s probably sitting on his kitchen table. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kody or Kasey or Kujo snuck a syringe here or there. Why not? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DAD!
Feb 13th, 2008
Clayton
I’m wondering if anyone else, watching Dan Burton…isn’t he kind of like an artificially-aged Larry Bird castrato raised entirely on small filaments of dried seed since his embryonic birth at the hands of dejected extraterrestrial science drop-outs?
I mean, did anyone else get that out of it?
Feb 13th, 2008
Oddibe Kerfeld
It’s not looking good for Clemens. Look for Rusty Hardin to soon use the Chewbacca Defense that was first pioneered by Johnnie Cochran.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chewbacca_defense
Feb 13th, 2008
Doctor Tom
Wowzers, Clemens insisted on walking into a potential perjury trap. Does anyone think that Dept. of Justice can let him come in and lie blatently and badly and just walk away?
Did anyone keep track of the numbers of possible perjury counts and a tapering with witness charge on top of it.
On the other hand, this episode may ultimately reinforce our cultural belief that celebrities and athletes can get away with anything. Even lieing to the Congress on national TV
Feb 13th, 2008
AK
Anyone else reading Jayson Stark’s blog? The part about Clemens’ ass bleeding through his pants has got to be the low point. Yet still, I can’t stop laughing. I’d like to see Joe do one of his “hypotheticals” with Clemens and Stanton in that situation. “Uh, dude, your ass is bleeding.” “That’s not blood…I just sat on a juicebox…yeah…”
Feb 13th, 2008
Dan
Well, the guy who grilled Clemens, Elijah, was the star of the hearing, and even though he missed two chances to complete his questions to Clemens he still said it all when he said that Pettitte is the tie-breaker.
Burton is truly an embarrassment for the way he went after McNamee and defended Clemens. I mean, if you’re going to use statements to the press to brand a man a serial liar, why not mention some of Clemens’ whoppers:
“I’ll only leave Boston to play closer to my home in Texas”
“I thought it was the ball. No, I thought it was the bat.”
There’s a reason Clemens was dubbed the Texas Con Man.
I’m a little disappointed with Roger Cossack who seemed to be shilling for Clemens’ side. Andy making a contemporaneous statement to his wife and her confirming it in an affidavit isn’t a big deal??? I’d bring perjury charges on his use of HGH alone, and not even bring McNamee’s statement into evidence. Clemens’ explanation - and especially the time line on Debbie’s HGH use and his explanations of his statements were a joke.
Feb 13th, 2008
Dan
And one more thing - I said it to my wife last night but Clemens really confirmed it today. His defense amounts to “Andy Pettitte is notorious for having very poor listening comprehension skills”.
I can imagine Clemens’ attorneys bringing to our attention a long forgotten post-game interview with Andy:
Andy, when Joe came out to remove you in the eighth inning, it looked like you didn’t want to come out. What did you say to him?
Well, I thought my cutter was working really well and that set up my other pitches.
Andy, how were you able to dominate the hitters today?
Well, I thought I still had enough in the tank to get out of the inning, but Mr. Torre is the manager and you have to accept his decision.
Feb 13th, 2008
Walter
Joe! Have you seen Rany’s blog yet?!?! I think he’s threatening your monopoly on the “unreasonably long Royals posts”! What a great day for Royals fans. I can come here and read 5,000 words from Joe and then go read Rany for 4,999 words!
You’re still the champ, that’s why I gave you the last word.
Feb 13th, 2008
Greg P.
I had heard Rany was going to be blogging. Where’s he at? What’s the link, brother?
Feb 14th, 2008
Greg P.
Never mind. I found it.
http://www.ranyontheroyals.com/
Feb 14th, 2008
GOB Bluth
*BLATANT ATTEMPT AT RIPPING OFF JOE POZ*
I can see it now - Roger sitting around the dinner table with KDebby, Korey, Kandy, Kacey, Kimodo Dragon, Konnor and Kangaroo:
Kacy: Dad, did you eat the last biscuit?
Roger: No Kacy, I did not.
Kdebby: Honey, you have biscuit crumbs all over your mouth and shirt.
Roger: That is not true.
Kandy: Dad, you have a shirt on that says “I ate the last biscuit tonight at dinner.”
Roger: I think you misremembered what my shirt says.
Korey: Dad, every single night at dinner you tell us that you love biscuits and try to get the last one at all costs, no matter how much it takes. I actually have the quote of you saying this on tape, DVD, video camera and YouTube.
Roger: I don’t remember ever saying that. You must’ve misgotten the wrong impression.
Konnor: Dad, earlier today you told me you were going to eat the last biscuit.
Roger: You mislistened to what I said.
Kangaroo: Dad, would you say that you love and respect your family and always put faith in them and believe them to be telling the truth?
Roger: Yes - I believe anything you will ever tell me, bar none, no questions asked.
Kangaroo: Then why would we lie now?
Roger: I don’t know. I think you are all giving me bad information. I think Kdebby ate the last biscuit.
Kimodo: Dad, one last question. Did you eat the biscuit?
Roger: I gave my heart and soul to this family. My momma raised me despite having one arm, no legs and a glass eye. My brother did drugs once. The capital of Syria is Damascus. The average life span of a grown polar bear is 15-18 years. “A Man, A Plan, A Canal: Panama” is a palindrome.
Feb 14th, 2008
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