Working on a lot of different things — including the big Pozcars unveiling (we already have more than 200 votes in and counting; get your votes in) — but not sure how/when it will all get posted. In the meantime, here’s a stray thought from the holidays.
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I’ve always wanted to contribute to the “What it is to be a guy” cliche list, maybe because I, as a guy, only moderately fit most of the current cliches. Best I can tell the most common cliches about being a guy are:
1. “Guys never stop to ask for directions.”
Comment: This has to be the single most prominent guy cliche going, other than the “Guys have a problem committing,” that Hollywood has turned into a moving-making industry. I guess there might be some truth in this, I guess. From what I’ve seen in my life, though, women don’t really like stopping and asking for directions either.
The reason is: People are often stupid. And there’s really no point in asking stupid people how to get somewhere when you’re lost. Hey, I include myself in the massive geographical stupidity that’s out there. I can tell you that I’ve probably have people stop their cars and ask me for directions maybe 50 times in my life — I must look like the kind of person who knows how to get places — and I would say the breakdown goes like this:
– Confidently gave them accurate directions: 8%
– Sort of knew how to get there and gave them directions that were probably right: 12%
– Sort of knew how to get there and realized after they had left that I definitely steered them wrong: 18%
– Had no idea how to get there and tried to bluff rather than look stupid: 4%
– Had no idea how to get there and said, “I’m not from here” even though I was: 6%
– Had no idea how to get there because I really wasn’t from there: 38%
– Did not even understand the person who was asking the question: 10%
– Told them that they really didn’t want to go there and instead steered them to someplace I knew: 4%
So, that basically means that in my life, someone asking me directions had about a 20% chance of getting reasonable directions to wherever they were headed. That’s one in five. You’ve got to think just driving around aimlessly you have a better than one-in five chance of happening upon the place you want to go. I see no real advantage in stopping.
Plus, sometimes, you just don’t WANT to know how lost you are. I remember once we were driving from Charlotte to Cleveland as a family, and we came upon a “Welcome to Tennessee” sign, which — as any of you who have made that drive might know — is not a good sign. Tennessee is most definitely not on the AAA ticker to Cleveland. Well, my Dad pulled into the welcome center and asked the woman there, and though I’ve never asked him, I have to believe he was hoping to get one of those, “Oh yeah, you just missed the turn, it happens all the time, it’s only 15 minutes back” type of responses. That was not the response he got however — the response involved sort of suppressed laughter followed by an, “I’m not quite sure how you did that you are WAY off course,” type of response, and who needs that sort of aggravation.
Anyway, I think the whole thing is sort of overblown — people tend to use the “guys don’t ask for directions” cliche to prove that guys are stubborn. Guys are stubborn. But this isn’t a great example. Anyway with GPS systems out there now, it’s time to retire this cliche forever.
2. “Guys love to work on cars.”
Comment: There no doubt is a sort of guy who likes to work on cars. I do not happen to be one of these guys, and I really don’t know too many of those guys either, but I could see the draw. I think this is the point — I think a lot of us mechanically incompetent guys would love to SEE OURSELVES as the kind of people who could work on cars. We can almost visualize ourselves in the driveway, under the car, changing the oil, making adjustments, saying stuff like, “Gotta make a trip to Pep Boys.” Almost.
I know nothing about cars, but I have had enough problems with my own automobiles through the years that I have learned, perhaps, how to sound intelligent about cars. For those of you who know as little about cars as me, I now offer this free, “How to sound reasonably intelligent about cars” primer (if you know a lot about cars, skip this):
– If someone turns the key and it doesn’t start, say, “OK, that’s the battery. Let me see if I have jumper cables in the car (IMPORTANT: Never carry jumper cables, because then you would actually have to try and jump start the car, and you would very likely electrocute yourself or start a fire).
– No matter what the problem, always say: “Yeah, you know what that could be the alternator.” Reason: There’s ALWAYS something screwed up with the alternator. You have a good chance of being right. It’s like whenever you get a trivia question about the Beatles that you don’t know, always guess “George Harrison.”
– If the car’s overheating, always say: “You know, you should turn on the heater, that should cool the engine.” This won’t help but I’ve heard mechanics say this and it sounds car-intelligent.
– Never, ever, ever, ever twist the radiator cap when the car’s hot. It can explode — seen it happen. In fact, never, ever twist the radiator cap, period. In fact, don’t even pop the hood. Who are you Cooter? You have a cell phone, call someone.
– If the car’s making odd sounds, you can say, “Probably needs more power steering fluid” or “Might need new brake pads,” depending on how you happen to be feeling at the moment. Or you can turn up the radio.
Cliche 3: “Guys love tools.”
Comment: I was fairly certain that I was immune to this cliche until an electrician came over and he had one of those screwdrivers that you rotate, you know, like one of those old fashioned drills you see cartoon characters using. And I thought, “I’ve got to get me one of those.” I have absolutely no mechanical ability whatsoever and no particular desire to fix anything. But, I don’t know, it was a cool screwdriver. I could use that. I really need to get one of those. So there might be some truth to this.
Cliche 4: “Guys are afraid to make a commitment.”
Comment: Here’s that Hollywood line again. Think about how many romantic comedies would have never been made if not for this cliche. Answer: Zero.
And I’m sure there’s some truth in this. I’m sure. But, I have to say this: I realize that we all live in our own worlds, and as such are completely unaware of anything outside our circle. For instance, and I believe I’ve mentioned this before, Tim LaHaye has supposedly sold like 65 million books and I do not know a single person who has read one (or at least anyone who has admitted it). So I’m not saying that this is universal. But I am saying that among my own friends and acquaintances, I would say that most guys I know are, if anything, all too willing to commit.
Cliche 5: “Guys don’t listen, and they don’t talk about their feelings.”
Comment: Yeah, I guess.
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So, I really would like to add something to the guy lexicon, but I must admit that I’m not sure if this is Guy Cliche worthy. It’s definitely true for me, and it’s true for friends I’ve checked with, but as already pointed out, we are not necessarily representative of the guy cliche world. Here goes anyway — you can tell me if ‘m wrong:
Cliche nominee: “Guys never want to make an unnecessary trip.”
The other day when we brought home the groceries. There, in the back, were about 75 plastic bags. Yeah, sorry, we didn’t go paper this time, I forgot, please send my apologies to Al. Anyway, there were all these plastic bags, and as ever guy knows, you can carry A LOT of plastic bags at one time, if you set it up right. Honestly, it’s a real ego boost. It’s the one time in your life you can be like a real super hero. You can be like, “Look at me, Lois, I am carrying 60 bags in my left hand.” It’s really quite a powerful thing.
So I stood out there for, I don’t know, 10 minutes, carefully arranging the bags in my left hand. It was quite a procedure. There is absolutely no doubt that if I had just taken a few bags and gone back and forth, I would have been done in half the time (and with a much smaller risk of breaking something). No. I was going to to do it in one trip. Why? I’ll tell you why: Because there’s no better feeling in the world than carrying so many plastic bags that you lose circulation in your fingers and need to clench and unclench your hands for the rest of the day just get the feeling back.
Later that day, I went to get some takeout for the family. I brought it home and there was no doubt that I needed to make two trips. But no, something visceral in me demanded that I do it in one trip. I’m cradling one drink between my arm and chest, holding three other drinks in my right hand like I’m Johnny Bench holding seven baseballs, I’ve got one bag balanced on forearm …
This is also true of taking suitcases out of the trunk of the car.
And when my wife asks me, “Why didn’t you just make two trips?” I could only think, “because guys never want to make an unnecessary trip.”
I hope other guys do this. Because otherwise the answer would have to be, “because I’m an idiot.”
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30 Comments, Comment or Ping
Holly Martins
Well, I’m a woman, and I do that too. I’ll drag five huge bags and my dog three blocks to the car, all at once, rather than make two trips — and even if I seriously pull a muscle and end up in severe pain for a week, I will STILL consider it worth it. So that may just be a human thing, like the directions.
And I don’t know any guys who can fix cars — or anything else really — but I always assumed that was just because I live in New York, where everyone takes the subway and has a superintendent to fix things (at least in theory). But maybe not.
I’m not touching the commitment thing, though.
Dec 28th, 2007
Lou
FWIW, I find that guys who grew up in rural areas are much more likely to love, or at least know how, to fix cars.
Totally agree on point 4. I’m 30 years old and have lived in four distinct geographic parts of this country. In those 30 years, I have made fairly good friends (for at least a few years) of scores of guys. Of all of the guys I’ve been friends with, I can think of 2, count ‘em, 2 who are afraid of commitment. The rest are all too eager to commit. Perhaps this is some sort of selection bias in how I chose my friends, but I think this cliche is total b.s.
Dec 28th, 2007
robustyoungsoul
I take multiple trips. In fact, as many as possible because if I finish hauling stuff too quickly I may get assigned to other chores. Sorry, Joe, not seeing the angle here.
Dec 28th, 2007
Dan
Joe, seriously have you ever thought about stand up comedy?
‘Never, ever, ever, ever twist the radiator cap when the car’s hot. It can explode — seen it happen. In fact, never, ever twist the radiator cap, period. In fact, don’t even pop the hood. Who are you Cooter? You have a cell phone, call someone.
So I stood out there for, I don’t know, 10 minutes, carefully arranging the bags in my left hand. It was quite a procedure. There is absolutely no doubt that if I had just taken a few bags and gone back and forth, I would have been done in half the time (and with a much smaller risk of breaking something). No. I was going to to do it in one trip. Why? I’ll tell you why: Because there’s no better feeling in the world than carrying so many plastic bags that you lose circulation in your fingers and need to clench and unclench your hands for the rest of the day just get the feeling back.’
These 2 paragraphs especially I about busted a gut over. I think people in the office think I’m one of those creepy people that tells themselves jokes cuz I just laughed out loud & no one was talking to me.
OMG was that whole write up wonder, second helping please, cuz I’m feeling ya on all levels of that entire thing. My buddies all can fix cars and all this stuff, I just stand there and make up car parts and as I ramble on. I usually joke and say, ‘Get the hell out of the way I’ll fix that for ya’. Then they all laugh because seriously, I’m a male, I love to have a good time, but theres a reason we make money, pay a professional to fix it, cuz as Ron White has pointed out, ‘You can’t fix Stupid’.
Dec 28th, 2007
Pokey Joe
Hey Joe,
Great stuff, as always. I am one of the 65 million, as are most of my friends. We run in different circles, I’m thinkin’. On the directions front, in 1998 my wife and I were in London, England. That was before 9/11, of course, but not before it was a good idea to not look like one of them there ‘Mericans while overseas. We went to some effort to blend in and were apparently successful, to the point that while we were walking down a sidewalk someone pulled over and asked us for directions. We gave them your 38% answer, all the while feeling pretty good about our blending efforts.
I drive my wife nuts w/my “gotta do it in one trip” mentality. And true, I have broken things on more than one occasion because I tried to haul too much. Since we can’t club and drag home an Iguanadon these days, perhaps we’re overcompensating…
Dec 28th, 2007
Levi Stahl
Joe,
You might like my friend Bob’s motto: One trip at any cost!
The cost is often, as you might imagine, unsupportably high.
Dec 28th, 2007
Mike W
I think men liked to work on cars when 1) They were easier to work on, 2) They had to be tinkered with constantly to make them run.
Here is my favorite quote on the subject, by John Steinbeck in Cannery Row,
“Someone should write an erudite essay on the moral, physical, and esthetic effect of the Model T Ford on the American nation. Two generations of Americans knew more about the Ford coil than the clitoris, about the planetary system of gears than the solar system of stars.”
Dec 28th, 2007
Mills
I make No. 2 for the people that have read a LaHaye book. About 10 or 11 of them infact (whatever the series stops at).
Dec 28th, 2007
Mills
But good stuff, as usual.
Dec 28th, 2007
Jason Anspach
I second the “Guys never want to make an unnecessary trip” cliche nomination. I’ve gone so far as to have bags hanging from my forearms while my hands are doing their best to form a fist despite downward pull of so many grocery bags. Sometimes my wife will have to take the bags off of me one by one because if I were to try to lower such a massive load to the ground, they would no doubt all tumble to the floor and make a spectacular mess. Plus, it rains a lot in Washington.
Dec 28th, 2007
Andy
Two completely random observations:
1) I’m pretty sure turning the heater on actually does cool an overheating engine. Done it myself, in fact. 2) This may be apocryphal, but I remember hearing that plastic bags are better environmentally than paper — has something to do with the amount of energy they take to produce.
Dec 28th, 2007
Langer
Can we retire the stupid, fat, stupid guy with the supermodel looking, smart wife cliche that could then end every single current sitcom? The Simpsons is the the only show to have done it well, but, really, how attractive is Marge anyway? What with that blue hair, and she’s a cartoon ffs.
Dec 28th, 2007
Another Andy
I’m amazed that you live somewhere near the state of Kansas and do not know anyone who has read the Left Behind series.
Dec 28th, 2007
RickMcKC
That was hilarious, especially the unnecessary trip deal.
I would also nominate “guys instinctively know how to pack a car/truck/whatever.” I have four women in my family, and they just can’t seem to do it well. Actually, I read somewhere that research shows that testosterone enables men to visualize quickly where each piece of luggage, etc, fits.
Dec 28th, 2007
Alan in L.A.
A corollary to the maximum bags in one trip rule is that you will invariably load up the hand that is the same side as the pocket where you put your keys, so that you have to do a mid-air switch of all the bags in order to open your front door.
Dec 28th, 2007
antoniomo
1) I had to Google Tim LaHaye to know who he is. I don’t know anyone who’s read his books either (unless I now count the ones on this blog), and I work in Kansas. I guess the subject just hasn’t come up.
2) My 9 year old daughter is worse about trying to make just one trip than I am. So, though I like what you wrote, it doesn’t work as a guy cliche for me.
3) My ex-wife is a marvel at packing a car/truck/whatever, and I am totally worthless at it. We got to the point we didn’t even need to discuss it. I’d help with carrying things, she’d pack them. So RickMcKC’s nomination doesn’t work for me. Admittedly, I’m assuming I have more testosterone then my ex-wife.
Dec 28th, 2007
Paul White
In my case, about half of these are deadly accurate, and the other half are completely off base.
Cliche number 1 is accurate, because I just don’t get lost. I don’t know why it is, but I think I’ve been lost the grand total of three times in my adult life, and every one of them was explained by faulty road signs. In part I think it’s because I can look at a map and it’s stuck in my head permanently. I’ve asked people before if they have maps in their head, and I usually get a blank stare or one of those sideways “I need to watch this guy” glances.
Number 2 is pretty much wrong. I like to work on cars up to my limit of knowledge - change a tail light, use jumper cables, new wiper blades, etc. - but that’s because I’m too cheap to pay for that stuff. On all other automotive issues, I recognize that my limited knowledge will actually cost me money when I break something even worse than it already is, so I just take it to the shop.
Number 3 is spot on. I think I own every tool in Home Depot’s inventory. (Except a mitre saw. Gotta get me one of those.)
Number 4 couldn’t be more wrong. I married the first person who I could con into saying yes and, seventeen-plus years later, have no intention of changing things now.
Number 5….what was that again?
Excellent addition on the unnecessary trips, Joe. I’ve been known to delay trips to the store for days until I have more stuff to buy or more stops I can make.
Dec 28th, 2007
Captain Obvious
The One Trip thing seems to be something that most people agree on. I mean, who actually wants to make an extra trip? But different people have different cutoff points on when they will make that second trip. I think it’s more of a “two kinds of people in the world, those who will try to carry 15 bags in one trip and those who will not” thing than a man vs. woman thing though. Also, men generally tend to have stronger arms than women (not always, yeah yeah yeah) so we’re probably more likely to carry more bags at once.
I expect that most men have no problem committing to a woman, but that it’s also true that many, many women have been hurt by “men who won’t commit.”
It only takes a handful of guys to burn a lot of different women in this way, even though it’s probably not an issue for most men.
Dec 28th, 2007
Minda
In the last year, I’ve had two major injuries that made me make more trips. Both are either healing or healed, so I’ve resumed my proud practice of carrying all manner of bags, plus 12-packs of Dr Pepper, plus my purse (See? It isn’t a guy thing, it’s a stubborn people thing). It’s delightful.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my dad stop and ask for directions, but I know I’ve seen us drive aimlessly around Chicago and other places, and the middle of nowhere, trying to find stuff.
Dec 28th, 2007
Greg
You somehow just made a Dave Barry column that was 50 times funnier than Dave has ever been in 15 years.
Dec 28th, 2007
Butch
Packing a car is easy… if you’ve wasted hours playing Tetris.
Dec 28th, 2007
Old Man Duggan
I will run 15 plastic bags up each arm (well as far up as they go since my biceps are HUGE) and have whatever I can hold in my hands and then bearhug everything else if it means I get out of going back out to my Caddy (which I can’t fix past the rudimentary things).
Dec 28th, 2007
Minda
The idea of always suggesting that “it could be the alternator” hit awfully close to home for me…mine went out a few years ago (Goodbye, $700), and then my brother’s did shortly after that…when I was in the car with him. I think I’m some sort of siren for dying alternators. If it happens one more time, I will never use a car again.
Dec 29th, 2007
Jason W
After I cleaned diet Coke off the screen from you Cooter comment I could completely relate to your unnecessary trips proposal. I have found it essential to insure that you can still turn a door knob with one of your two hands which often means learning to balance 15 bags in one arm with a mere 8-10 in the other.
It takes some practice but is a lot easier than trying to turn a door know with your feet (believe me). It occurs to me that some door knobs might be better suited to opening while my hands are over-burdened.
Now I need one of those fancy screwdrivers too.
Dec 29th, 2007
Jason
the answer on paper vs. plastic bags: none of the above…
http://www.slate.com/id/2177490/
Dec 31st, 2007
Jamie Roth
After watching my dad go through his 3rd back surgery I’ve tried to be smart about minimizing trips vs personal injury thing.
As far as asking for directions, I’m always uneasy if I don’t have directions or know an area or location I’m going. I usually make sure I know how to get there before I leave which drives my wife crazy because even when I make wrong turns it gets me to where I wanted to go faster. Just lucky I guess but it almost seems genetic because my dad has the same luck.
As commitment goes, I didn’t get married until I was 30 but was ready at 22. I finally found a woman I could con into marriage and have been happily married to my young bride for 10 years now.
I would love to be able to work on cars. My dad works on cars. I think I can work on cars, but the dead Scout in my driveway paints a much different picture.
And finally, my wife leaves all the bags by the front door, and I try to carry all of the to the car in one trip and then cram them in the back while keeping them precariously balanced on my knee so they don’t get drenched from our rain soaked ground in the northwest. She doesn’t even try to pack the car any more because she knows I’ll just pull everything out and rearrange it.
Dec 31st, 2007
Cooper
Nothing makes me madder than carrying all those bags and getting to the door only to remember it’s locked and you have to get out the keys to unlock it. But i don’t give in that easily -i fumble for the right key….hoping i have the dexterity needed to get it in the lock while still holding on to the 18 plastic bag wrapped around both arms……..and then it hits me….i got to put everything down to get the key in the door. Putting those bags down makes me feel as if i fumbled the football on a break away run (while showing it to the crowd). I feel pure humiliation -like the neighbors are watching and saying things like “oh man, Cooper just had to put down all his grocery bags to open the door…what a loser”.
I now know how Leon Lett feels.
Jan 1st, 2008
Mark
Two things: first, when you’re talking about Tim LaHaye books, you mostly mean the “Left Behind” series… of which I’ve read several, not that they’re great reads. You ought to note that LaHaye doesn’t really write them; he outlines them, and his ‘co-author’, Jerry Jenkins, does the actual writing.
Also, with respect to the ‘one trip’ postulate — I would suggest a corollary. When I do the ‘one trip’, I always try to fit in several stops… and more importantly, arrange them for the minimum number of left-hand turns.
Jan 2nd, 2008
Rob in CT
The directions thing… well, I have a deep and abiding love of maps and thus find reading them easy. I don’t need to ask for directions because I don’t get lost. I do tend to prepare quasi-obsessively for a trip, though, including printing out multiple maps from google maps and actually, you know, studying them.
I’m so-so at giving directions, mostly because of the time thing. You usually have to fire them off quicky, because the person asking is usually in a car pulled over awkwardly such that it is half-blocking traffic, and looks desperate.
Cars… I know to put gas in them and that they need oil changes and stuff. Once - ONCE - I changed the oil in my car, with a good friend helping. It never would’ve happened had he not pushed me to do it. Overall experience: meh. Worth $15-20 to have someone else do it.
Tools… not really my thing. My wife loves ‘em, though.
Committment - not really an issue for me, though the spectacular implosion of a relationship did leave me somewhat gunshy. I overcame, but I suppose if you met me during a particular 5-year period, you would’ve thought I had a problem with committment.
Listening can be a problem, but usually only if I’m involved in playing a computer game or reading. During those things I’m useless for all other things (includes eating, sleeping, etc.). Catch me not doing either, and you’ve got a pretty good chance of me listening. I talk about my feelings, but not endlessly (luckily, this is also true of my wife).
Unnecessary trips: true for me as well, but as others have noted, this may not really be a guy thing.
Something similar: I absolutely *hate* what I call “going back to go forward.” This is when you can get somewhere faster by briefly going east and then switching back to west (destination is west of you), typically because it’s all highway and the direct route is backroad. I have real trouble overcoming resistance to going the wrong way, even for a little while, and even if I know that it’s going to get me someplace faster (usually an important thing for me). So I often choose the slower, more direct route.
Jan 2nd, 2008
Brian B.
* My wife refuses to ask for directions, which can irritate me (only slightly), because I ask for them eagerly. I’d say people in general are better than you are at giving them — I have about a 40% chance of getting good directions the first request, and an 80% chance of getting good directions before I get bad ones, which is a LOT better than my random figure-it-out-myself form when I’m far from home turf.
* Most of the guys I spend time with aren’t afraid of commitment, true. But many of the gals I spend time with are extremely jump-the-gun eager for commitment and will feel burned if broken up with after two weeks of dating, even if the warning signs that this would happen were blaringly clear. Also, the people I know who still wouldn’t commit even after the gal gets pregnant are all guys. So the stereotype makes sense.
* I live in the south, teach, and know several teachers who love the Left Behind series. This does not reassure me.
* I have the inclination to carry too many boxes or (cloth) bags at once, but I have taught myself to ignore this impulse. I recommend this.
Jan 4th, 2008
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