What, after all, is education about?
Posted: November 20th, 2007 | Filed under: Baseball | 34 Comments »
Normally, I leave the parenting blog stuff to my wife, Margo, who somehow manages to get all sorts of parental thoughts in there and still finds the space to reveal some embarrassing facts about me. You will notice that I don’t put embarrassing items in here about her, like the time that we were in a restaurant and Paul Rudd was sitting a few tables over, and she could barely eat her food.
“That’s Paul Rudd,†she said.
I looked over. “No, it isn’t,†I said, and I went back to my spaghetti because, even though it was Paul Rudd, nothing less than Rachel Weisz is getting between me and pasta.
She could not let go, though. The rest of the evening was like listening to Brent Musburger announcing Paul Rudd’s dinner. She was like, “You are looking live at Jasper’s where Paul Rudd is having his salad, and oh, I’ll bet that’s his brother sitting next to him, they look a lot alike, and oh, I’ll bet that’s his son, there, you know his son is the same age as Katie, he’s very cute and — OH, HE’S LOOKING OVER AT US —
“The son?†I asked, because I had lost her after the waiter brought us more bread.
“No, Paul! He’s looking. Maybe he knows you. You think he knows you? I mean, he’s a big Chiefs fan. He might have read something you wrote. (At this point, I am shaking my head sadly and dipping bread into the sauce — they have great sauce at Jasper’s). You know his parents, I hear they are so classy. They are from England. I would love to meet them, I hear they’re such nice people and — HE’S LOOKING AT US AGAIN — and I hear he’s so great in “Knocked Up,†we should go see that and — OH, HE’S LOOKING, no wait, maybe he isn’t looking, I wonder what he’s doing back in Kansas City, do you think there’s a play or maybe he’s going to the Chiefs game and …â€
MUSBURGER SIDEBAR: I don’t know if you happened to be watching the Oklahoma State-Kansas game a couple of weeks ago — I suspect you weren’t. But if you were then you will know what I’m talking about: In the middle of the game, Musburger brought in T. Boone Pickens, who is one of the 150 or so richest men in the world and a huge Oklahoma State booster. He was on the cover of Time magazine back in the 1980s, you know, when we all thought corporate raiders were super cool. Maybe we still think that.
Anyway, you figured this was going to be just one of those quick special guest interviews that make Monday Night Football such a joy to watch. A quick, “Hi Boone, boy, Oklahoma State needs to get cracking!†“They sure do Brent, heh heh, uh, sorry, I’ve got to go take over a company now.†“Ha ha, always joking Boone! What are you worth now, $2.4 billion?†“Well $2.5 billion Brent, but who’s counting? Go Cowboys!â€
But no. instead, it was a 20-minute interview from bizarro land. They started talking about stuff that was vaguely football related — stadium stuff and things happening on campus — and then, suddenly, inexplicably, Musburger asked Pickens about about peak oil. Seriously. Peak oil. They talked about that for a while, and then they started talking about how to handle water issues in America, Yes. During a college football game, Pickens said, “Well Brent, I’m not really an expert on water in America, I’m an expert on water in Texas. And what I think we need to do is …â€
it was one of the strangest sports-viewing experiences I can ever remember. I mean, the game was just going on — I’m pretty sure Kansas scored a touchdown during the discussion — but those two guys were talking water pipelines and Hugo Chavez like it was C-Span IV. And they would not stop. I mean I tend to exaggerate at times, but I’m pretty sure this thing went on 20 minutes. They just kept on talking about water and oil and Boone Pickens’ extraordinary philanthropy (he’s most definitely one of America’s most charitable men — it’s also worth noting that his corporate raider past and the $3 million he gave to the Swift Vets and POWs for Truth did not come up).
It was just strange — like Musburger (who I actually enjoy as an announcer) lost his mind for a few minutes and decided to live out his fantasy as Charlie Rose.
MUSBURGER SIDEBAR 2: Has anyone noticed, by the way, that suddenly Musburger talks with a Southern accent. Is this a rule in college football? As far as I know, Musburger was born in Montana, grew up in Oregon, went to Northwestern, spent his early career in Chicago and Los Angeles, and then went national. I sort of missed his time in Birmingham and Lubbock. But suddenly he’s talking with that Johnny Cash twang about those big ol’ boys on the line fightin’ for everythin’ they can get and basically sounding as much like Keith Jackson as possible. I’m not complaining — it’s pretty entertaining. I’m just curious where it came from.
KEITH JACKSON SIDEBAR: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but have to say it again: My favorite Keith Jackson moment — and I have many of them — is when he said: “Danny Wuerffel is the kind of guy who will sneak into your house and steal your favorite hat.†I still don’t know what it means, except that it means everything to me.
The only thing I ever heard live that matched it was when the great Larry Munson, voice of the Georgia Bulldogs, was calling a game during a lightning storm and his sideline reporter Loran Smith squeaked, “I’ll tell you what Larry, it’s lightning pretty good out here I’m going to call it a night.†To which Munson said, “I don’t think Loran’s calling it a night. I think Loran is going to a graveyard to find a dead man named Jack Daniels.â€
LARRY MUNSON SIDEBAR: OK, this is getting away from me now, but I realize that, on occasion, I poke fun at some announcers on this site. So to be fair, I must pay homage to one of my all-time heroes, Larry Munson. I actually was on a halftime show with Larry once, and it remains one of the highlights of my professional life. He called Georgia football for 42 years, and for 42 years it was always us (Georgia) vs them (whoever them happened to be that week). Normally that sort of homerism might turn you off, and maybe it does if your heart is in Gainesville or Knoxville or Auburn. But to me Munson was so good, so energetic, so poetic, so over the top joyous … he’s an all-time favorite.
It would be impossible to list off all the incredible lines Munson uttered with that beautiful gravelly cigarette voice of his but here are just a few to enjoy. The first couple I heard live so I may be paraphrasing a bit, but you’ll get the point. The others are more accurate (thanks to ESPN’s Mark Schlabach for those):
When Georgia was trailing in the final seconds against Vanderbilt: “Somebody needs to pour molasses on the clock!â€
To a long field goal attempt: “Go ball! Go ball! Go! Somebody get under the ball blow real hard! Naw, you didn’t blow hard enough.â€
When Georgia beat Auburn to earn a Sugar Bowl Bid: “Sugar is falling from the sky! The air tastes sweeter than cotton candy! Sugar is falling from the sky!â€
Herschel Walker’s first carry at Georgia: “We hand it off to Herschel. There’s a hole. Five, 10, 12. He’s running over people. Oh, you Herschel Walker! My God almighty! He ran right through two men. Herschel ran right over two men. They had him dead away inside the 9. Herschel Walker went 16 yards. He drove right over orange shirts just driving and running with those big thighs. My God, a freshman!”
The famous Lindsay Scott catch to beat Florida: “Belue third down on the 8. In trouble, he got a block behind him. Going to throw on the run, complete on the 25 to the 30. Lindsay Scott 35, 40. Lindsay Scott, 45, 50, 45, 40. Run Lindsay! 25, 20, 15, 10, 5 Lindsay Scott! Lindsay Scott! Lindsay Scott! … (a few seconds of crowd going crazy)… Well, I can’t believe it. 92 yards and Lindsay really got in a foot race. I broke my chair. I came right through a chair. A metal steel chair with about a five-inch cushion. I broke it. The booth came apart. The stadium, well the stadium fell down. Now they do have to renovate this place. They’ll have to rebuild it now. This is incredible. You know this game has always been called the World’s Greatest Cocktail Party. Do you know what’s gonna happen here tonight? And up at Saint Simons and Jekyll Island and all those places where all those Dog people have got those condominiums for four days? Man, is there going to be some property destroyed tonight! 26-21, Dogs on top! We were gone. I gave up, you did too. We were out of it and gone. Miracle!”
And what has become everyone’s favorite call, 2001, Georgia trailing Tennessee 24-20: “Ten seconds. We’re on their 6. Michael Johnson turned around asked the bench something. And now, Greene makes him line up on the right in the slot. We have three receivers. Tennessee playing what amounts to a 4-4. Fake and there’s somebody. Touchdown! My God, a touchdown! We threw it to Haynes. We just stuffed them with five seconds left! My God almighty, did you see what he did? David Greene just straightened up and we snuck the fullback over! Haynes is keeping the ball! Haynes has come running all the way across to the bench. We just dumped it over, 26-24. We just stepped on their face with a hobnailed boot and broke their nose. We just crushed their faces!”
Um, OK, where were we? Let’s see, Paul Rudd, Rachei Weisz (so beautiful), Musburger, Munson, oh yeah — the point is my wife handles the parenting talk, but I have this odd situation now. I have this Texas Hold ‘Em poker game on my computer, and it’s actually somewhat competitive and addictive. But the strange part is that you play against fictional and historical characters. So, for instance, I might start a game up right now (why not?) and I would play against Little Red Riding Hood, Dracula, The Abominable Snowman and Julius Caesar. Nothing wrong with that.
Well, my oldest daughter, Elizabeth, LOVES this game. I mean, it’s scary how much she loves it. She’s 6 now, and she just loves looking at the characters, giving me little facts about them, you know, how Cleopatra was in Egypt and had lots of jewels (she learned this from Scooby Doo) and how Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin and how Robin Hood stole from the rich and so on.
So, you know, I started thinking that, in a weird way, this game was kind of good for her. You know. Educational. Learning about Abe Lincoln. Napoleon. I’m trying to give her all sorts of facts while we’re playing — this is hard because I don’t actually have many facts about these people. Still, so far, I have more than she does. I’m starting to think that this is not just fun time, this is what we call in our house “Learning time.â€
Then today, my daughter — 6 years old — says to me: “Wow, Dad, King-Seven, not-the-same-suit, I would fold. I think the Tooth Fairy has an Ace.â€
And I realized at that moment that I’m actually Oscar Madison They’re going to take my child away from me. I need to spend more time teaching her stuff that matters. Like: What is a hobnailed boot?
Editor’s note.: I almost did a long sidebar on Herschel Walker, who as a freshman was the greatest football player I ever saw. So consider yourself lucky this thing ended when it did.
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This is possibly the best blog post I have ever read anywhere about anything.
I’m not sure if I’d go as far as Dave, but you are definitely one of my daily must-reads. Even though modern-day Joe Morgan has made me pretty much loathe the Big Red Machine, I’ll read your book when it comes out just because it’s your book. And yes, I did buy (and love) TSOB this summer. Who says blogging doesn’t pay?
But Joe, you are teaching her useful stuff. I would argue that a person who knows when to hold em and when to fold em is no gambler, and is learning an important life skill (it is Game Theory). The very fact that she grasps it would be a stretch to play those cards against a lone ace says more for her than all the fish in the world. When I play with people who don’t play much, they don’t seem to even get the concept that their hand has to beat yours at the end, they just call because they think you’re bluffing. You’re raising a smart girl. Just don’t let your wife know that she’s gambling.
Oh man. I guess I missed out on some hum-dinger football calls there in Georgia. That is some funny, funny stuff Joe. Keep it up. I have one question though…did your wife go say “Hello” to Paul Ruud?
P.S. If you ever do see Rachel Weisz in public, you HAVE to call me.
Please do the Herschel Walker post. I used to love watching him on the Eagles right around the same time I started watching football as a lad.
Joe, this is brilliant as usual.
But do you mean Paul Rudd? Paul Ruud is an econometrics professor at Cal.
Joe, if it’s going to lead to more lines like “I think the Tooth Fairy has an Ace.”, feel free to put in all the parenting stuff you want.
I caught that T. Boone Pickens interview. You are exactly right. It was one of the oddest and most bizarre in-game interviews of all time. It was perhaps that game or some other recent OSU game where Pickens did the introductions for the OSU players. Usually its a football player that will do those. He truly does own that university (or at least its sports program.) Maybe all the money he gave them guaranteed a long interview on tv about topics that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the game. He was even talking about how he was going to put a pipeline in the panhandle and move the water down to Dallas-Ft. Worth. Wasn’t there someone talking to Musberger in his ear (like a producer) that could have told him to wrap it up or at least move the conversation back to the game? It might not have been 20 minutes, but I’m sure it went on for at least 10.
Joe–
Don’t worry. Or at least, don’t worry about having your kids taken away. My 7 year old is all about Hold-em (and has now learned Omaha as well), and I had similar fears until I realized that they play poker in freaking school. Seriously, there aren’t enough orphanages for all these kids. I think we’re safe.
Except for me. My son will not lay down a hand.
Not only was the Pickens interview genuinely bizarre for all of the reasons cited, but also because Kirk Herbstreit was standing to the side the entire time, itching to talk about the KU scoring drive that was happening simultaneously, and couldn’t get a word in. He essentially stood there with a grin on his face the entire time while Musburger rambled, and I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his mind.
“What’s this oil and water business? I thought we were here to call a football game. Damn that Musburger, he sandbagged me. I think I’ll wear a funny hat next week to make sure I get all the attention.”
On a different note, I went to high school with Paul Rudd, and he’s pretty much the nicest guy in the world.
Great entry, Joe.
I really like writing like this, stream of conscious stuff. Too few people can do it well, and you’re definately one of them.
You are the anti-Larry King.
Joe,
PLEASE WRITE ABOUT HERSCHEL WALKER!! As a born and bred Dawg, I remember my first UGA football game (1980). I didn’t know until we got to the stadium and saw the players warming up that they were real. I thought it was a tv show up until that point.
I’m reluctant to do “lists,” or to say that anyone was the “best of all time” at any particular craft, but you’d be hard pressed to find a better college football player than Herschel Walker, the Goal Line Stalker. Bo Jackson, maybe, is in the same conversation. But Herschel was a beast. An absolute beast.
Plus, he has the best sports quote of all time. When asked if he was tired after carrying the ball 30 times in the game, he said “No sir, the ball’s not that heavy.”
Nice call on Kirk Herbstreit’s funny hat, Mr. White. We were wondering while watching the Ohio State – Michigan game whether Kirk was moonlighting as a cabbie.
That “the ball’s not that heavy” quote is a good one, but it pre-dates Herschel Walker by quite a bit — John McKay said the same thing in the 60s in response to a question about O. J. Simpson getting a lot of carries: “First of all, the damn ball’s not that heavy; and O. J. doesn’t have a union.” Somebody probably said it before McKay, too.
Speaking of McKay, he had another great quote when coaching the horrible Buccaneers in the 70s. After a game a writer asked him, “What about the execution of the offense?” McKay: “Sounds like a good idea.”
See, Joe, I can do digressions too.
Just what I needed to start the day… Thanks Joe. Great post.
This is the first thing I’ve read today, and I’m pretty sure it will be the best thing I read all day. Great writing.
Of course, you should also explain to your daughter that K7off is playable if you’re limping from a blind. Who knows when the flop will come KK7.
In Auburn/Georgia circles Herschel Walker cannot be mentioned without Bo Jackson also being mentioned(and vice versa). The debate over the greatest will never end. I’m going with Bo.
more herschel! and check out knowshon… oh, knowshon, just a freshman
I can’t think of Herschel Walker without thinking of Adam Vinatieri. HIs rookie year, the Patriots were playing the Cowboys and Vinatieri kicks off. The ball goes to Walker and he shreds the Pats kickoff team, the only thing between him and the end zone is the Pats’ rookie kicker.
Vinatieri sticks him hard and Walker is brought down.
Two things happened that day:
1. Even though he played another season, Herschel Walker’s career was officially over.
2. Adam Vinatieri cemented himself as something other than “just a kicker”.
http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobnail
…hope this answers your question!
Oh, and not surprisingly, a google search for “Hobnail Boots” reveals more Larry Munson hits than hits about WWI military footware.
Thank you Joe, this made my day. It’s so damn good, and so damn real it’s scary.
Joe, awesome post and I concur, please write all you want about Herschel. As a teenager growing up in Pittsburgh I used to scan the highlight shows feverishly to see his amazing runs. Something so different but as amazing as watching Dorsett in his early days.
And, Perry, yes, I think that John McKay line in 1976 about the Bucs offense may be the best ever. But, if I’m not mistaken I think he responded, “I’m in favor of it.”
Is this your version of stream of consciousness? If so, there’s no wonder why you’re one of the best columnists out there. Coherent, full of humor, and most of all informative. And it’s a good thing you held off on the sidebar on Herschel Walker, because now you can do an entire entry on him.
Joe, if you are going to write about Walker you have to start here:
http://espn.go.com/abcsports/bcs/sugar/s/1981.html
Nowadays I’m just a now-and-then football guy, but that was some game and glad to have watched it.
Re your daughter. Back in the old, less sophisticated days, of computers my son loved a blackjack game. It taught him how to add in his head and was a marvelous early math tutor. Sometimes gambling games are unintentionally educational.
Walker was a bust for the Vikings, but many of us remember his first carry, in which he lost a shoe and still ran about 60 yards. We got all excited, thinking that maybe acquiring Walker wasn’t such a boneheaded move after all. Then reality set in. That’s been pretty much the story of the Vikings ever since.
Well that and beating my Saints any time an important game comes up Jim.
I generally don’t like to give effusive praise in blog comments (I’d rather, you know, add something of substance to the mix), but this absolutely is the best blog on the web. You are now on the Bill James level of “I’ll read anything this man writes.” Love the baseball posts, love the general life-related posts, love the tangents. Keep doing you what you do, Joe. Your writing is funny, smart, and always good-hearted.
Joe:
Funny and touching. On a trip through Iowa, I saw a highway exit sign that listed the nearby towns along with this:”Learning Area – 3 mi” I thought, “Do they prohibit learning outside the designated area? ” Turns out it was some kind of environmental education site, part of a state park. Point is, learning can and should happen anywhere. Poker = probabilities+psychology. Cooking = chemistry. Travel = history+sociology. Sports = [your favorite subjects here].
For what it’s worth, my husband is a poker player, and some friends of ours came over for dinner on Thanksgiving. While waiting for dinner, our friend decided to start using our playing cards as “flash cards” for our 3 year old son. He would hold up a 7-2 off suit and say “FOLD” or A-K suited and say “RAISE” or two Aces, “ALL-IN” after a while of this, I kid you not, my son got the hang of it and you could easily quiz him and he would pass with flying colors!!!! I told my husband that he could never play poker with our son on his lap again or he would end up losing the house!!!
Nice cameo on the Missouri-Kansas football game Joe
Awesome post. Paul Rudd, hobnailed boots and playing poker with the Tooth Fairy. That was hilarious.
Joe,
What you need is an honest-to-god Harvard Law School professor to justify your gambling problem…
http://www.boston.com/business/articles/2007/11/05/high_stakes/