Here is the sum total of what I have learned in my first 48 years:
1. It’s “shovel pass” not shuffle and certainly not shuttle.
2. Abracadabra does not rhyme with “reach out and grab ya.”
(And don’t get me started on “Texas” and “Facts is.”)
3. The proper time to go for 2 is almost never.
4. The proper time to intentionally walk someone is almost never.
5. White chocolate is not chocolate.
6. You should never start a funny story by saying, “Here’s a funny story.”
7. You should never alert anyone before doing an impression.
8. And you should never repeat an impression.
9. Meryl Streep will get nominated for an Oscar if she happens to walk through your home movie by mistake.
10. First you pitch high and tight, then you go low and away.
11. You should watch “Princess Bride” every now and again.
12. “Junk of the Heart” is the happiest song ever recorded.
13. Time stops at kids’ swim meets.
14. After a certain point, the best news a doctor can give you at a physical is that things didn’t get a lot worse.
15. Football coaches are rarely idiots and even more rarely geniuses.
16. It’s not the representative’s fault your flight got canceled.
17. You don’t call a fastball a “speed-ball,” even in song lyrics.
18. Vin Scully is better at calling baseball than anyone is at doing anything.
19. The Godfather Part III never happened.
20. Those Jar Jar Binks Star Wars things never happened.
21. Game 7 of the 1997 World Series never happened.
22. You should take the slide if you ever go to the Great Wall of China.
23. “One for my Baby” is the saddest song ever recorded.
24. Sometimes, you really do have to tell your kids “because I said so.”
25. Elvin Hayes is the most underrated sports person ever.
26. Every American Chinese restaurant should have Beef Chow Fun. But they don’t.
27. George Bailey did live a wonderful life.
28. If the 16-0 Patriots could have traveled back in time, they would have beaten the 1972 Dolphins by 50.
29. Some dogs do.
30. You cannot drive more than 20 minutes while listening to any radio station without hearing a Taylor Swift song.
31. This is true even if you’re listening to a talk-radio station.
32. You should shoot 100 free throws every few months, just to get your percentage.
33. Rick and Louis hung out together for two weeks, drove each other nuts and went their separate ways.
34. An acre is 4,840 square yards.
35. Ozzy Osbourne’s real name is John, and Mick Jagger sang backup on “You’re So Vain.”
36. The best barbecue in the world is at Arthur Bryant’s, 1727 Brooklyn Ave., Kansas City, Mo.
37. Roger Maris was intentionally walked zero times the year he hit 61 home runs.
38. Barry Bonds was intentionally walked 120 times in his last MVP season.
39. Wilt Chamberlain averaged 48.5 minutes per game in the 1961-62 season though the regulation NBA game is 48 minutes.
40. If you ask people for help, they will probably help you.
41. Sometimes, you do get lucky in love.
42. You should talk to your dog every now and again, and tell him or her things you don’t tell anyone else.
43. Vitruvius didn’t get to finish what he wanted to tell Emmet … Because he died.
44. A friend offered me advice I’ve never forgotten: “Don’t get indicted.”
45. Someday a football announcer will say during a replay, “See no one was open and … oh wait, I was wrong, receivers were open all over the place.”
46. Someday I will go to the French Open.
47. Someday Cleveland will finally win.
48. When you live a lucky life, you don’t even know who to thank first. So it’s best to just thank everyone and call it a night.